Does BPD help explain my ex’s behavior?

[Emily303]

I’m trying to decide if a recent heartbreak in my life is related to BPD and how that might help me understand and accept it.

I met a man last June. From the beginning, it was the most exciting and fast-paced relationship I’ve ever had. He was very eager for intimacy, and so was I. He had a terrible track record in relationships, however. He said his relationships lasted several months to a year or two, on average, and only one had been longer (six years), but three of those years were as a friendship.  He told be he tended to “get ahead of himself” in relationships and that his therapist had warned him that he made his intimate others into anchors. He also told he that he was terrified of abandonment and desperately needed to feel loved.  And that he had been seeing a therapist because he so wanted his next relationship to work. He felt that by seeing the therapist every week he could learn to check the feelings that caused him to bolt from relationships. OK, maybe a lot of red flags, but I have my issues too and we were being honest with each other. In addition, he was so fantastically positive and romantic. But by the third month he wanted us to buy a house together and began to talk about spending the rest of our lives together. Add to this the fact that it was a long distance relationship, so it was only on our second visit that he started to talk about buying a house!  But what woman wouldn’t be flattered by a man falling in love with her and wanting to buy a house to live in with her? Or at least I was. Very much so at first, but as his efforts to buy a house became more serious I started trying to slow things down. I felt worried that he was making such a big financial investment in a relationship that was still so young. In addition, I felt that his the energy he spent on planning the future was getting in the way of our ability to enjoy the present and get to know one another better.   OK, I’m going to leave some things out here, but by month four he was acting extremely needy and sometimes jealous. He needed to have several communications with me a day, mostly by text, since we lived far apart.   If I didn’t respond to a text fairly quickly, he would get upset. We had several visits together over the course of the next six months and we spent a month together at Christmas. It was all quite wonderful the way that he pulled me into his family, introduced me to everyone, and wasn’t afraid to tell people how happy he was. But pretty soon I was feeling engulfed and worried because I couldn’t slow things down. Anytime I mention a problem with the relationship he would start crying.   The situation got worse, and my job was suffering, and I felt like I needed a break to sort out my own feelings and readjust to this unusual person that I had fallen in love with. So I told him I was taking a break and I did. About a month. During this time, we communicated very little. When we did he would cry profusely and become extremely upset. This just made me more desirous to take a break and get some distance on the situation.   I always told him I still loved him and I didn’t want to break up, I just needed a little time out, in large part because of my own emotional issues, which I tried to explain.  He never believed to my explanations and seemed to think I must be having an affair. Anyway, after a few weeks I was feeling a little more calm about the situation and missing him terribly and thinking that I could adjust and understand his personality.  When I contacted him he was angry and mean. (Okay, fair enough, I had checked out.) He also told me he didn’t have feelings for me anymore because he couldn’t trust me and I hurt him and he couldn’t afford the risk of another breakdown.   I was stunned and completely thrown off balance. I told him I still loved him and that if we wanted to have a real relationship we need to work through the difficulties as well as enjoying the honeymoon periods.  I know this story is getting very long so I’ll try to cut it short. For the last couple of months we have continued to FaceTime but for the most part he is cold and aloof and frighteningly dissociated from me.  I honestly keep thinking that if you had any feelings for me at all I must be able to persuade him to come back and give it another go. Recently he’s made it perfectly clear that our love is all in the past and he has no interest in rekindling the relationship. He has ‘moved on.’ I am reeling from the fact that a man who appeared to love me more intensely and enthusiastically there anyone I’ve ever met in a very short period of time has become completely cold and indifferent. He seems like a completely different person.  It’s actually terrifying how different he seems. Does any of this makes sense from a borderline personality point of view ? And, if so, well, what should I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi Emily303,

It certainly sounds possible! That was an interesting read, nuggets of it reminded me of things I’ve dealt with.

I think, when you boil it down, he felt intense rejection and abandonment. But it makes sense you had to take a step back because there were alarm bells going off!

If he is very black and white in his thinking…well, you can never be sure someone will want you again once a break has occurred.

In the meantime, I’d suggest reading, studying, and engaging with us here so you can be ready if things do restart!

What would you want to do differently if things restart? Are you willing to change your own communication style?

with compassion, pearl.

[spero]

Hi Emily303, i join pearlsw in welcoming you to the boards. I send you greetings and 

I won't be accurately say that he has BPD, it is unfortunately difficult to ascertain with pinpoint accuracy. If he indeed has BPD.
I'm sorry that this has left you feeling confused and even perhaps shocked to see him have a 180 deg change in heart or personality.

Having said that, you've mentioned the following which are perhaps a concern to me, these may possibly be symptomatic of a person with BPD.
However, it usually takes time to observe a person until repeated patterns and responses can be observed, not so much "one off" instances.

1. Fast-paced relationship
2. Terrible track record on relationships.
3. Terrified of abandonment and desperately needed to feel loved.
4. Seemly wanting to run too far ahead with plans, as you said without knowing a person well enough.
5. The need to have constant communication ( or rather constant attention )
6. Extreme reaction to having be away from you as a result of you need space to process
7. Trust issues
8. Sudden and extreme change in what the relationship means to him. (Being hot and cold suddenly)

Has this been recent? I echo pearlsw that some of these concerns bear similarities with my own past relationship. Though i can't be fully certain either.

Do continue sharing with us your experience and keep us updated if he happens to re-engage you.

Yours,
Spero

[Turkish]

 The feature articles at the very top of the site are a good place to start here.  From the Diagnosis + Treatment pull down:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder