How to get my fiance back and help her with her BPD

[John Lobb]

Hello,
Thank you for reading this. I am new to this world but will tell you what I think will be helpful information.
The love of my life ghost texted me a breakup a couple of weeks ago, almost out of the blue and wont speak with me or any of my family or friends and has surrounded her self with a pit of vipers that she had finally escaped after a lifetime of abuse at there hands. When we were together, we manage to shake them.
We had for 19 years been crazy about each other and finally realized we both felt that way. We started an amazing relationship and fell madly in love. Neither of us had ever been so happy. I had saved her from an abusive husband who did the most horrible things to her and she is terrified of him but was finally safe with me. For 7 months, we had next to no arguments but about a month ago she began to seem distant and say things like she didn't deserve me and wasn't good enough for me or my family and friends, that she was not deserving of being loved and that she was all manner of terrible things. I reassured her always that she was beyond my wildest dreams and that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I would always be at her side, no matter. She spoke to my Aunt who was close to her and told us both several times that she was in love with me, wanted to marry me and I made her feel like a princess and was very happy with me. A few nights later after an amazing weekend, she reconnected with a very destructive friend and started to freeze me out again. Next day she texted me she needed a few days alone and we would talk soon, then the following day she texted me It wont work, please let me know when you can get your things when the kids are not hear. I asked her if we could talk and she said she'd call soon. we had for months had the best and most open communication, I had ever known and had always said we would get counseling if we could not sort something. So i drove to what had been our home for almost 8 months and it looked like a tomb and was freezing in side. I let myself in and entered where just the night before she said she loved me with all her heart. I announced myself and entered our room, which had already been stripped of all of our photos and my things. I spoke passionately but sweetly for some time, telling all I loved about her and my devotions and asked many questions which she would not answer. She simply stared at me with this look of complete disconnect and cold that I could not fathom. She finally stood, I rose from my knees and she held out her hand so I went to hug her and she coldly said, I'm not going to hug you. She escorted me down the stairs and said in a monotone voice. You have entered my house unannounced at 9 P.M. Please give me my key. As I fumbled to do so I pleaded that less than 24 hours ago, she stated it was always our home and that she still loved me and wanted to marry me ect. she just ignored it all. I asked how have I failed or upset you. She said I had not , in any way but it was all about her now but would not explain no matter how I pleaded. She gave me the coldest hug and said in a monotone voice. "A tree branch almost fell on one of your cars today". I asked her to look at our lovely photos I had brought and she just closed the door. Until that night I NEVER thought she would turn on me. I still cant believe it. She never called and was absent when I was told to remove my things. Without me, all of our plans and her finances will crumble, and she will be at the mercy of her soon to be ex-husband, who won't finalize the divorce unless he is made to do so, by the court. I was paying for the divorce, with no strings attached. Worse still I had all but adopted her children and she and every one said I was the best father figure they had ever had and we all love eachother very much. I was not even allowed to say goodby. I was devastated more than words can say and still am and so full of loss and fear for her and her children. Many people she knows through me and are most found of her tried to contact her but she cut them all out and soon texted me to not allow anyone to try to get a hold of her. In almost 3 weeks, I gave her space and tried to phone only twice and left kind voicemails and texted on 3 sepparate occasions all at decent hours, pledging my love and any help she would still accept from me and that many people cherished her and just wanted to know she was ok. The following morning from her office she emaild me. No more texts. If you want to pay my Mum 3k I owe her that would be appreciated but no rush. You can mail a check to my house. I think you know the address. Thank you for the time. I dont know if I have ever felt lower. I had faith she would miss me and our life and snap out of this but no one that is good to her can get any where near her. Even her childcare provider she is friends with cant get any thing from her. In any event a very good friend of mine who adores her spoke to a psychiatrist friend who listened in great detail about what happened and she suggests she may have BPD. We read up on it and there are so many similarities, I was stunned and horrified at the same time. Yes, it could explain why she is acting like this and treatment seems good and possible but we cant even speak with her. we feel regardless of how she is treating me she is making some very bad choices and the results of which will start to be very damaging soon. Personally, I am terrified to think based on what Ive read, I have no chance to win her back and she is the love of my life, I am sure of this. Ive had many girlfriends and never wanted to marry , or grow old with any of them and thought of her for years as she did me.What I have read, seems to indicate that, No matter how kind and stable and generous I am it will be taken as aggressive, or weak but out of sight is out of mind if she has BPD and so I am doomed there as well. Please help me find a possible solution or some advice on how to deal with this. She is an amazing woman and I will do whatever it takes to help her through this darkest of times and hopefully bring us back together. Thank you for any advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tired_Dad]

The only advice I can give you is for you to ask yourself what you really want out of this.

You cannot rescue or fix them. They have to want and seek that out for themselves. It is possible to get them back, but there is a danger in having be a "wash, rinse repeat" situation.

Know your limits, know your needs and be true to yourself. Only then can you be a real partner in any relationship.

[pearlsw]

Hi John,

   Welcome to the community! Sorry to hear about what has brought you here, I know this can be so incredibly painful, but glad to have you with us.

So, she's been away for two weeks so far? How long is typical for her if she splits you black like this?

My SO has broken with me many times over the years and I know it is very painful and very confusing and spins you all around inside! It is so hard not to know if someone will come back or not, and even if they do... .that has elements that are hard as well.

There are others more experienced than I who I hope will come by and share their insights and support with us. What I can suggest is that you read a lot on the site - in the workshops. Many people have been in this same situation. Frankly, I probably spent more time handling this kind of thing in the wrong way, instead of in the right ways, and either way was very painful I must say.

I do know that is important not to chase the person. I understand that urge, I've been there, thinking that if I could just speak to the person I could make it better. But I think you really have to let the other person recognize that they want to talk to you. It is not easy. I waited over a month once and finally gave up on my long-distance SO and then poof, he was back, flying overseas to spend time with me and mend things. One never knows how things will go.

In the past year my SO has made suicide threats. I had to learn, even as dire as that is, there is not much I can do about it. Ouch. That is really hard. So, again, read here, talk to us, with time you may become more comfortable with the idea that she has to talk responsibility for her, bad choices and all.

What can do in this time frame, while we wait to see what develops, that would make you feel better?

with compassion, pearl.

[pearlsw]

If you look at the top of this post, just scroll up and you'll see a green tab on the right hand side, just above the dark green bar that says Author and has the post's title.

Select reply and you can let us know more about how you are feeling.

I know very well how painful it is when someone leaves you, especially so suddenly.  

[Tired_Dad]

John,

I'm going to answer you here as the group nature of the conversation is much more supportive and individual PMs.

Your intent seems to be good for what you want for her. However, she has to want to get better before any of that matters. Remember also that your relationship with her is not isolated, it is informed by all of her and yours past experiences. If you have had a pattern of being a "rescuer" or the "chivalrous gentlemen" and you see yourself as a benign caretaker that is a perfect storm to get sucked completely in and consumed by a BPD. I have been there, and it has taken years for me to establish effective barriers to ensure that I can be happy too, not just constantly sacrificing myself for her.

Remember also, most of what they do is not calculated for effect. It is on some level instinctual reactions to their current environment. They often are aware of the pain they are causing others, but their pain and emptiness are too great for them to easily get past.

If you go down this path with her you need to have a strong support system not only for her, but for you. Eventually you will need to make a decision about how you want to proceed and that is only for you to decide.

Please look closer at the patterns of BPD behavior in some of the resources available here (not just the forum) and evaluate if this is the path you want to be on for you, not if you want to be on it for her.