Suddenly had to leave country for Visa run.

[MontieCat59]

Hi all!

I have been in a relationship with my wonderful BPD partner for almost a year now.

We basically fell in love last summer, moved in a few months later, went through Christmas and New Year with her family, went to NZ to meet my family and now we live in a temp lease home together in the countryside. We are both extremely healthy, no smoking, drugs, drinking - We practice yoga, hike, dance etc.

Two weeks ago I had to make a very last minute trip to Australia (We live in USA) as I got booked with a large client of mine in Sydney, this also coincided with the renewal dates of my visa as well. (By last minute, I mean I found out on the Thursday, made a decision on the Friday and flew out on the Saturday.)

The day before I left was very hard. Lots of mixed emotions, but I thought we came to a very good meeting point - I needed to do this job to make money for our trip over summer / to put a deposit on a permanent place when we got back, and the visa renewal was obvious. I need that to stay in the country to be with her!

The two and a half weeks is almost up and I will be heading back to the states after having had a very turbulent time with family, deaths, visa issues etc... .

My partner over this period has also had an extremely turbulent time. The past three days seem to have been the toughest. Isolation, main text messages, not answering my calls... .etc.

- Angry with me
- "Cant do this any more"
- "I would never have agreed to move in together if I had known you were going to do this"
- Blaming me for the way she is feeling via my friends who allegedly brought "addictive energy" into our home 3wks ago

Literally 600 different things.

HELP

I know on some level that if I were in her situation I would be pretty sad about my partner leaving for three-ish weeks, and perhaps mad about how quickly it came about - But this seems to be a bit different and this "episode" per se has been going on for days now. I cannot read it!

Has anyone had any similar experiences? When we are together its not as difficult, but it is so difficult to gauge the situation from 9000 miles away!

I have had extreme anxiety, shaking the past couple of days, I have never had this before. Every time she messages me my heart starts POUNDING.

I am reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' at the moment which is clearing a lot up for me, as I really only just started looking into what Borderline actually is when I first left. She told me a couple of months in that she was diagnosed with it. She does a lot of spiritual work, reiki, healing, kundalini - all holistic stuff and this honestly seems to work very well for her compared to what her sister has told me about before she stopped seeing therapists.

Much love to you all

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi MontieCat59,

Love back to you from all of us! How nice to have you here with us!

Well, I tell ya, I'm in an international relationship too and I know those can be extra hard!

I'm gonna suggest you take a look around this very informative site and read up very carefully on abandonment fears. I'm guessing here, but my instincts tell me that could be what has triggered her reactions.

My SO with BPD traits is stressed out because I'm taking a trip at the start of next month - he does not deal well with being apart.

Is this something you know much about yet - abandonment and BPD?

with compassion, pearl.  

[MontieCat59]

She often tells me about her fears of abandonment. In fact she is very open about her fears.

This is definitely a trigger for her. She feels like I abandoned her

[pearlsw]

Hi MontieCat59,

I can't read that so well, looks tiny! Do you want to just type it out please? It might be better that way so we don't see any identifying information. It is very important to maintain our and our partner's privacy.

take care, pearl.

[engineer]

I'm still working through understanding this so what I have to say may or may not be helpful... .it's more of a snapshot of how I am interpreting things right now.  There are much more helpful people around here who can offer more experienced opinions.

Oh boy do I understand what you are going through... . 

My wife and I are on the exact opposite sides... .she is from Australia and we now live in the US.  She had to make a visa run about a year ago, and let me tell you... .it was exactly the same stuff, the same kind of communication, but somehow I had to convince her to push through her dysregulation to get on the plane back to the US.

Ha, I'm not trying to say "it could be harder" but, geez.  Be very happy she is not the one out of country at the moment.

All of it, everything you said, sounds really typical and familiar to me.  The text messages (right click and open image in new window to read it) were very familiar to me.  The way of seeing the world from the BPD point of view still doesn't make *any* sense to me, but it is becoming a familiar pattern.

And, if she follows the same pattern my wife does, this one will blow over when you get back to the US like it never happened, except that she will rewrite history and hit you over the head with her interpretation of it from time to time.  I still get to hear about how hard I allegedly made her trip to Oz.

Unfortunately it makes your visa run very stressful, and moreover makes it frustrating because it is *completely* unnecessary for it to be so stressful.

Some of the specifics I read in the messages... .
"We are so different" -- yep, we are, so, fine.
"Things are different now" -- my wife says that all the time and yet nothing ever seems to be different
"I am in hell" -- yeah, I hear that all the time too, and then the next day I hear how she is happier than she has ever been.

I think those extreme statements are just her way of saying "I am mildly inconvenienced and I'm unhappy that you're away from me right now, come back safely please" but every emotion they feel is 10x stronger than ours so everything gets communicated as absolute doom.

Example:  This morning I got up to put my dishes in the sink while my wife was talking to me.  I know she likes me to sit still while she is talking, but she had been talking for three hours straight at this point and I needed to move.  Well, based on her reaction you would think I'd twisted the head off of a kitten in front of her.  But I managed to not justify, argue, defend or explain (I really hate jargon, sorry everyone) and instead just sat and listened with a caring look in my eye while she told me I was obviously raised by wolves and could barely function as a human being, let alone as an adult.  And just like that, it was done and my smiley, happy, yakkity Aussie came back and told me what a beautiful man I am. 

I just went on and typed a while lot more about that, but I think that's a digression for my own thread. 

Anyway, good luck with your visa run and sorry you're having to deal with dysregulation while you're away.  That makes it no fun at all.

[MontieCat59]

@engineer

Thank you for sharing.

I'm new to all this - It really does feel so much better to hear that other people go through the same thing!

My partner and I facetimed this morning and everything was all good again. What a rough few days!

I broke out in tears after all the anxiety that had been building up in me and not having been released. Kundalini really helped let it all out.

M

[engineer]

My wife has mentioned reiki and yoga before as well.  As is her pattern, she suggested them as something *I* might need, when in fact I think it's probably something she needs.

I think I will look into those a bit more. (Heh, I just looked it up and they do Kundalini downstairs in my office building).

[MontieCat59]

@Engineer

I highly recommend Kundalini for anyone! It's incredible, albeit a bit strange... .Maybe it comes across a bit cult-y which turns people away, but once you get over that its actually really powerful and healing.

Reiki and other forms of energy medicine is also great, although I have only had Reiki done once. Very interesting part of medicine which is overlooked (and considered pseudoscience) yet has incredible effect.

M