I am traumatized. My best friend/love of my life raged and cut me out

[AlwaysWish]

Hello, Everyone

Here's part 1 of my post  


I never thought I would find myself on this site, as I'm sure many of you can attest to finding yourself saying the same thing.

I am reeling from the cutthroat treatment I just received, mere weeks ago from my best friend, and the one I thought was the love of my life, and who said I was his.

Let me preface the above by sharing a background.

My now exbbf and I met online, 4 years ago. I was in an abusive marriage and had few true connections. We bonded over the fact that we loved the same band, and were empaths, who we would refer to as " wounded healers."

He was upfront with me that, it took him a lot to trust anyone, and I respected that. We developed a deep friendship, as deep as anyone could , having yet to meet in person. I sent him a handmade journal, and he sent me things that we were so me; we supported each other. We would talk for hours on the phone, and he was a huge support system to me, and I, him.

During our friendship, and before I left my abusive marriage, he would always refer to colliding with his " dearest darkest friend." and this friend seemed to torment him. He'd go off for periods of time, and then come back. He said he thought he had Bipolar 2. I reasoned his behavior was caused by that and deep depression.

On one terrifying occasion, after a couple of months of receiving startling pictures of him very emaciated,I received a text message that he wanted to remove himself from society, and go starve up in the mountains, and let himself die. My heart was so broken. I stayed with him on the phone, and held on with him. I was so caught up in my abusive home at the time, and thought his depression had just taken root, that I could not understand what was causing this kind of deterioration.

Two years into our friendship, I was able to escape my abusive marriage with my little girl, and found freedom, although I was still healing from grievous abuse. He and I were finally able to take our connection to another level and began skyping more regularly. We bonded even  more.

During the duration of our communication, he had a couple of outbursts, but none that traumatized me, at the time. I knew he had been sent  to numerous foster homes as a child, and his birth mother, drifted in and out of his life, making promises she'd never keep, and each time she'd reach out and let him down again, he'd be severely triggered and pull away from people.

He asked me, actually had, for years, to come down to see him in person. Due to extenuating circumstances beyond my control, I was unable to for some time. On one occasion we planned a visit, I ended up being unable to go and he lashed out at me, and later reached out and asked for my forgiveness, saying that even though it was circumstantial, it still hurt him deeply, hence the silence and withdrawal. He reasoned it had to do with his mother wound.

Fast forward... The last year before we met up in person, he confessed that he had been hiding an addiction from me- alcohol and drugs, but that he was now in a sober living home, and hadn't brought up the addiction before, because he was worried he would lose me. I assured him, we had been there for each other for years, and that addiction did not change that. We got closer and for the first time in a long time, when we would skype, he was filled with laughter and hope, and after almost a year of sobriety, we agreed it was time to meet up.

Meeting up was so effortless. I was meeting one of my best friends, as if we were meeting for the second time, and had never been apart physically. We bonded even more on every single level imaginable and he genuinely accepted me, and I, him, warts and all. We already knew each other's light and dark ( though I would come to find my knowledge of his dark was yet to be fully known).

He expressed to me his deep affections, and we spent more time together, and began to fall in love. I told him I loved him, and he was taken aback and said, " No matter how someone means it, on any level, I am very careful about saying it as it is an unspoken contract, a commitment to love that person til I cease to exist. I hope you understand." But he overcame that, and we came together, his hands cupping my face, and he told me how much he loved me, tears ran down both our faces. I was in love with my best friend. I'm crying as I write this.

He explained to me that he had actually wanted me for years, and had obsessively listened to a song for a year and a half, which rendered the lyrics " Yes, it's true you love me, too, but not the way that I do... ." He had yearned for me, he said, and most guys wouldn't take the time to actually get to know someone or build a friendship, but he did, because he hoped he'd have a chance, and relationships built off of friendship first are healthier and longer lasting. It sounded great. Healthy! I agreed! I couldn't believe how everything seemed to be falling into place!

We lived long distance, which was a draw back, but it was definitely doable. He was rebuilding his life, as was I, but we had this beautiful relationship we were looking forward to building, and within 5-6 months, we were so deeply in love and integrated that, we were talking about being a family. This was huge for both of us as he had never had a home, and I had to leave everything behind, when I left my abusive marriage. It was like life was giving us both a second chance.

A couple of months into the relationship, I was forced to go through an agonizing domestic violence trial, and after some days in trial, I drove down to be with him. I needed his support and comfort. He took me in his arms and held me closely. But within a day of being together, I noticed something had shifted. He was highly irritable, lashing out, pacing. I was so drained from trial, and his behavior was triggering me. I mumbled under my breath, " I need a vacation." He looked over with the craziest look on his face, " What was that you just said?" as if I was being accused of a heinous deed. He demanded I tell him. I tried remain quiet, because he was honestly setting me off, and it seemed to make him even more upset, to the point that he got up and began acting like a teenager throwing a temper tantrum. I was shocked. He became accusatory, as well during this time, and I finally left the hotel room to go outside to get a breather. I get an immediate text message, " That's it! RUN!" I felt trapped. I hadn't a clue what was happening to my boyfriend. I ended up going upstairs and he was in a dark place. Now, he was upset I had gone outside, where he had warned it was dangerous, and I broke down in tears, and said, " maybe we should take a break." After I said that, some kind of explosion happened, and he said, " Everyone I love leaves me or I had to leave them to survive," and he locked himself in the bathroom, and wouldn't come out. It took some time to calm him down. He finally came out and I said to him, " You worry more about me being safe out on the streets than safe with you. I came down here to be with you and you're lashing out at me. I don't feel safe with you right now." " So, I guess I'm an ass, " he ended up saying. I assured him that I didn't want to lose him, and us, but was feeling triggered around him. He ended up apologizing, and then brought up that he was also craving alcohol. The next few days were good, but they had an undertone of discord, disconnectedness from him, even after it seemed we had come to a rational understanding that we didn't want to lose the other.

As the relationship progressed, the good outweighed these seemingly minor explosions. I honestly thought he was working out his abandonment issues due to being a foster child, and that this was part of relational healing. I bent over backward to be patient, kind, reassuring, and so often, he would cry at my gestures of love toward him. It seemed to intensify his devotion to me. He was a huge support to me, and so thoughtful. He truly wanted to listen and get to know more about what my needs were, and said he always wanted to protect me.

He took a new job and told me how he felt he had a new lease on life and that this job would help him rebuild his resume, afford him new job opportunities, including the ability to relocate to me, if need be. We both knew we had to end up being in the same place, and we certain that this was it.

I noticed a pattern over time, that was not apparent in the moments... but he began to have triggers go off, that I could not understand. The closer we got, the more he wanted me around. I would spend 4-5 days with him, and go home, and he would shut down for a couple of days, and tell me that being apart was killing him. It was flattering. at first. I missed him, too. But I figured being practical and taking steps could help ease our time apart. He became more unwound over time, with each trigger, not taking the course of action I had expected he would to deal with the separation anxiety, such as picking up the phone, skyping me, etc. No, in fact, he began shutting down. He would tell me he had just gone off in his head, and was sorry, and would come back. Every time he left, I felt emotionally abandoned.

As we awaited word through the courts about if I had any opportunity at all to relocate, he became even more triggered and regularly began saying things, between our heightened times of intimacy, " I don't know how much longer it's going to be, and I don't know how much longer I can wait... " then, he'd also say things like, " I'm trying hard to let go." Of course, hearing these things was absolutely baffling and frightening, because I loved him, and I, too, have abandonment trauma.

The only time he would be relieved out of these feelings is if I saw him in person, and we would get closer again. But after word came that I most likely wasn't going to be able to relocate ( back in January), He completely shut down and nearly locked me out of his life for a month, with little contact, except to reply with one word answers. " Are you ok, love?" " nope."  " You want to talk, babe?" " nope." I felt literally shut out. He began getting into a darker place, as was reminiscent of times during our friendship. He began posting songs on his facebook about the inevitable happening, and posted songs with lyrics such as " I never wanted you to be a sailor's girl, to be a trucker's wife, to be left behind. Will you leave me, like I've left you over and over and over? Will you be there when I get back?"

I was a mess that entire month, and bawled my brains out. I was officially being traumatized, and I didn't know it. I tried to make multiple attempts to reach him throughout the month, and even comfort him, and reminded him that I had sent him a box of handmade cards to open when he was missing me. All the sudden, this disrespectful and punishing attitude emerged and I was told he will do things on his own accord, and no one is going to force him to do anything. I was shocked. I said, " I wish you would've received my heart in the way I intended it." to which he replied, " well, wishes sometimes come back as black boomerangs." That entire month was hell.

He opened up and told me that he wanted me, trusted me, and couldn't imagine but me. and " how do you not know that I NEED you by now?" I cried. I was still trying to handle having gone through a domestic violence trial, and hearing I couldn't relocate any time soon. Instead, the topic turned to his suffering, " I'm crying today because after years, I still don't have the person I love. The rest of me is still waiting for the rest of you." " You have all of me, " I said. " But I don't. we don't live together and have our family. that's what I want and where this is going, and now I don't know how it's going to happen. I love you, and want to be there for all the good and bad with you and B*** ( my daughter." I loved him even more, and just figured we were both traumatized by the court process and being apart.

We finally got to talking regularly again, after that month apart, and I opened up to him and said that whole month I cried, and felt helpless, as he shut me out, and all I could do was essentially watch him self sabotage. " Don't tell me that, that just makes me feel bad." he said. I told him he wanted the good and the bad, and he had to know. He then, self directed, " Well, I could you how bad it's been for me, and tell you some things but it would hurt you." That send a chill down my spine. I wanted to know, but he wouldn't tell me.

We followed through on our valentine's plans and he went all out for me. He thanked me for my gratitude and for not even mentioning v-day but rather that what mattered was that I just wanted to be with him. He gave me perfume, anti-inflammatory bottle of herbs to help with my recovering body from the past abuse, and at one point, when he saw I was triggered by something, he held me in his arms and rocked me, while I cried. I buried my face into him, and he stroked my face and was loving to me. I loved him so much.

He handed me the most beautiful card which Read on the outside “ I like who you are.” In the inside it read “ How I joyfully weep. Am I worthy enough to wash your dewy feet?
signs in your eyes mirror questions in me. Without you am I half of what I could be?
Distance between you and I is it equal to the fear in me? Will the same story play itself out?
Will I make it to you before you make it to me?”

 I held him in my arms at one point, as he held me, and we opened up more about our childhoods. He told me how he was left alone by his mother from ages 2-5, passed between babysitters, and learned to enjoy being alone, a lot, or got used to it. He had an Aunt who took him in and who he bonded with, and she had bathed him, provided food and made sure he was cared for, before he was thrust into the foster care system, bouncing from home to home.

He admitted that he had had a serious mother wound, but said that he had since forgiven her and never really knew her; she was like a stranger. But, in the past, he was known for being verbally vicious to women because of this wound. I was taken aback. I said to him, “ It’s funny, you mention that, I’ve noticed a bit of that residual  behavior sometimes; you can act like an ass.” “ No, not  now... I’m not like that anymore. I’m just cheeky now.” I felt a knot in my stomach. He further explained, “ When I did it  before, it temporarily took away the pain from the mother wound, but then after, it just made the hole bigger.” After that conversation, things went back to lighter subjects...

We had an amazing next couple of days, talking for hours and hours, laughing and had the most incredible lovemaking session I had ever experienced with him.

In the beginning of the relationship, he literally was physically incapable of it, and said it's because he had never had sex sober. So, by this point, we had bonded so much that we were tearing down barriers, I didn't think possible. We were actually able to consummate our love, and he held me, looked in my eyes, and told me how much he loved me. We both cried at how beautiful it was. I kissed him all over his face, and he said, " You're so good to me."

Everything was going well again. He said he knew he had a pattern of push and pull and would start working on it, especially after I told him that it was hurting the relationship and there were times, esp after being shut out for long periods, where I almost had enough, but my love and commitment kept me, and I tenderly and firmly challenged him to fight for this relationship with me. And, for awhile he did.

Our last visit, I was shocked to see him... He had dropped again... a tremendous amount of weight. I had assumed it was due to the back breaking labor at his job , putting him through 13-15 hours days, and him not eating enough or getting enough sleep. He was more paranoid now. Now, I was on eggshells again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[AlwaysWish]

Part 2

He brought up an entire list of things I had supposedly done to, in his words, " Play games with my heart, mess with my head, etc." I was shocked. I asked to please give me examples so we could resolve things. He brought up the time I suggested we should take a break, the time early on in the relationship when I suggested maybe we were better off as friends ( as he had lashed out at me again and I didn't want to lose our friendship if it wasn't going to work out romantically), and my last words when he had dropped off for a long period of time, ignoring texts and phone calls, and said maybe casual dating would work better for him. He was deeply triggered and insulted that I brought up any of these things to him at any time, when in actuality, I was trying to set healthy boundaries. I explained to him that I wasn't trying to play games with his heart, that I was risking my heart especially after everything I had gone through, and why would I share my broken body or even try to integrate my little girl into his life, if I was there to play games... He calmed down after that point, but still seemed somewhat agitated and felt slighted over everything... " Are you mocking me?" " I can't take you anywhere without guys staring at you." I felt the tightening in my stomach, and felt like I was being persecuted and it hurt and scared me deeply. It seemed the closer we got, the more focus he lost of me.

After this last visit, I sent him a birthday card made by my daughter and I. I wrote him out how much I loved and valued what made him, who he was. My daughter drew a picture of all three of us.

He got back to me and told me our card made him cry. His words were “ When one is truly ready to see you, one becomes aware of their contributions or lack thereof to the ever emanating scenery. When everything is cold, you make it warm. I love you, and this is all still surreal to me.”

A few days later, I got official word from the courts that I didn’t definitely couldn’t move, but figured our original plan for him to relocate was still on the table.

After receiving word about this, he told me I wasn’t going to like the conversation, and got on the phone with me in a sheer panic. He resounded over and over that he had to stop the pain of being apart, and that he had to let me go. Over and over he said this. I could not get through to him. I brought up maintaining long distance until he could move. Now, that was off the table. Then, I said if he couldn’t wait, then relocate now. Now, that was off the table.  He was beyond all reason and kept telling me he was breaking things off and letting me go. Now, however, he expected things to be on his terms... we were going to go back to being friends and when I could move in like 5 years, then, and only then, could we be together. I felt completely and utterly rejected, and could not believe he was unwilling to compromise for our current situation as my best friend and love of my life, where we had been in the process of planning a future. He abruptly gets off the phone with me.

I noticed he immediately went on Facebook and left me in a relationship alone. I was officially triggered into the worst abandonment pain ever, feeling as though he ripped my beating heart out of my chest, and all of the months when he kept freaking out about letting go, amounted to this... It was so painful, I had to unfriend him on facebook, so I wouldn’t have to see his posts. I kept him on every other form of social media.

Within a few hours, I get a very upset message via facebook, “ I take it you don’t want to be in contact or even be friends? Is that what you really want?” I thought it was insane he would proposition I held his hand through he breaking things off with me, and could not bring myself to reply, then, and needed some space to cope. I sent him a message via Instagram which read “ I respect your need to take a breather. I love you and am not turning my back on you as a person but I am also in love with you and we were planning on being a family. For this reason, I cannot be in contact right now. but I hope we can work things out at some point.”

I got another message the next day, “ I saw you unfriended me, and saw I unfriended you on everything and blocked you all social media.” I was beyond horrified at his extreme reactions, esp since he is the one who broke things off. “ I don’t understand how you don’t see where I am coming from. I don’t see how it can work now. I am trying to save us both the pain of the inevitable.” He made absolutely no sense to me. The inevitable, in my mind, did not need to be... all he needed to do was be a partner, and help me follow through on our goals. I felt left alone again…

I finally got another message, this time on Instagram. He said now we had to live with the choice I made, to be silent, and he wasn’t anywhere near done with the conversation we had, had on the phone. I was confused. He was the victim, apparently. He told me to enjoy the silence.

Days went by, and I felt great unease and reached out to him. I told him I respected his choice to let me go, even though it wasn’t what I wanted. He was now in a darker place. He said “ Things may have been different. I was just looking to put things on hold for now. But you unfriended me, and you know how much breaks hurt me.” I admit, I was scared. I thought… wow... It’s back to the break thing again?

I rationally explained that I had not purposely tried to hurt him and that I need some space to cope with him abruptly breaking his commitment off to me. and I even provided him proof of the Instagram message I had sent him, telling him, I never cut him off. I asked him to let me know he had seen this “ proof.” He was now back to one word answers, “ I saw.” Apparently, he had been so triggered by my unfriending him, and in subsequently blocking me, prevented himself from receiving that instagram message until that night, which was a week later.

He then began blaming me and said  I never listened to him when he told how much it killed him to be apart... and then, he dropped off the radar again. I was on a rollercoaster!

Left in limbo, I made two attempts to reach him and sent him two powerful and beautiful emails. I told him that I loved him unconditionally and that he had told me when falling for me that he was being healed and maimed at the same time, but whatever maiming he was feeling, could be an opportunity to heal, if he let it be. I said I couldn’t change the past he had before me, or his life now, to stop him from running from real love. I said I wanted his happiness, even if that wasn’t me. And, left him with a question. “ You always said everyone you love leaves you or you left them to survive. My question to you would be, do you want to live or just survive?”

Then, My second email was an article on attachment trauma and I reassured him I loved him and supported him.

Four long excruciating days ago by, and I finally get a message... They’re coming in like wildfire, and this time, he is in some sort of rage. Now, I am to blame because I cut him deeply by unfriending him and delaying my response to his messages after he broke things off ( albeit I had just shown him proof of my instagram message) and he blows my world apart “  I realize for the most part, I’m the one who shut you out, but every time YOU shut me out, I end up drinking and using. This time it’s bad. I didn’t want to tell you but I think you should know. And, now I can’t stop!”

I was terrified for him. I admit, I pleaded out of honest fear to please give me an example of how he feels I shut him out, as I don’t remember any time I did, and in fact, it was I who was left waiting for him for long periods of time, while he went off the radar.

He screamed in caps, “ I already told you, when you unfriended me and delayed your response to my messages.” I tried to reason with him that I didn’t do it to hurt him, and that seeing him break his commitment off to me on facebook, was so painful, I had to temporarily unfriend him. He responded to me, “ f*** off!” I was blindsided, eviscerated by his cruelty.

I told him I knew he was still in love with me, and he replied, “ It doesn’t matter. I wanted this to be my last romance. I don’t know if I can ever trust anyone ever again... ”

I told him I would’ve stayed with him even through his relapse, as I had with his first one, and had even had a book about partners with addiction. He became even more vicious, “ You don’t know jack S*** about addicts!”

I said, “ This isn’t the man I love, who would rock me in his arms when I would cry and let me hold him.” “ You don’t know me at all!” He screamed in caps.

I told him I loved him and even his dearest dark friend wouldn’t change that. He replies, “ I’m deleting your number.”

Then, he says, “ You unfriended me and stopped communication and purposely tried to hurt me, so now I’m cutting you out. DO NOT CONTACT ME OR TRY TO THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE. goodbye.”

I was left severely shaken. Not understanding how he could literally not be reasoned with. I scoured over every thought about what I could’ve done differently or if I had really messed things up. But I couldn’t see anything that would illicit this kind of reaction.

Ironically, he always told me one of his greatest fears was losing me. Now, I have somehow  been demonized and he can’t be reasoned with.

I saw he went on my Instagram and out of our four years of knowing each other, went and unliked every single pictures out of hundreds, like he was trying to hurt me. The shaking and trauma from these continued gestures, esp in comparison to the man who was so kind and gentle, truly had me on my knees in disbelief and fear.

This all happened weeks ago. I went to my therapist who confirmed the pattern fits BPD, and she is trying to tell me this isn’t my fault.

I’m so scared right now. I can’t torment myself looking at pictures. I’ve had to put everything away. I saw I was still subscribed to his Youtube channel and he had a song on it about “ the story of a man who let it all slip away... and how he wishes he could win back her heart... and step outside of the dark and now it’s just he and the bottle alone.”

I have no idea if my exBbf will be back. He doesn’t bond with people easily; he is not one to jump around and go off and find replacements. He was single for 5 years before he met me, waiting till he made a real connection and came to trust someone, who wanted to know him for him. I did all that. We had so much!

I Know this has been a long read. If we can’t romantically be together, I just want closure or to even know we we amicable, instead of being left painted black and all alone. I miss the person I knew so much. I am traumatized and devastated and feel I will never recover fully from this.

There is a possibility he may try to contact me again, but I’m so scared to have any false hope. He is highly reactionary and impulsive and cycles through so many emotions, I cannot keep up. It’s “ I love you, I’m cutting you out, go away, I miss you” repeated over and over, now that I look at the pattern. I just need the pain to stop.

Any feedback at all would be helpful.

I'm guessing all I can do is work on healing and to "wait" to see if he cycles out of this? I have never been split like this before. I feel sick. Thank you so much everyone!

[pearlsw]

Hi AlwaysWish,

Whew! I made it through your post! That would have been quite the story to hear over some tea!

I am gonna be very direct. The best thing you could do right now is to toss all you think you know, seriously, and read about BPD and BPD traits on this site. You need to reconsider all your expectations about relationships.

Although you did not intend it, you did cause him emotional pain. How do I know this? I’ve made some of the same mistakes in my current relationship. You simply cannot interact with someone with these kinds of issues of emotional sensitivity in the same way you would with someone who does not have them, and I hear you doing that a lot in your story.  

I know what might be hard to hear, but I really think it’s best to lose to the ego and start fresh in terms of what you think you know about relationships and communication. You may not get him back, we all wish we’d found this site sooner, but you can learn the tools here, and whether you are with him or not it will help in your healing.

I know he said horrible things to you at times, and pushed you, but the pain he was in…while it cannot be eliminated, it can be approached in other ways that *might* have made a difference. It takes a lot of discipline.

I come to the site, and stay on the site, because I want/have to learn and relearn the tools - they can get rusty if you aren’t disciplined about using them.

What do you think of these ideas?

with deep compassion, pearl.

[AlwaysWish]

Hi AlwaysWish,

Whew! I made it through your post! That would have quite the story to hear over some tea!

I am gonna be very direct. The best thing you could do right now is to toss all you think you know, seriously, and read about BPD and BPD traits on this site. You need to reconsider all your expectations about relationships.

Although you did not intend it, you did cause him emotional pain. How do I know this? I’ve made some of the same mistakes in my current relationship. You simply cannot interact with someone with these kinds of issues of emotional sensitivity in the same way you would with someone who does not have them, and I hear you doing that a lot in your story.  

I know what might be hard to hear, but I really think it’s best to lose to the ego and start fresh in terms of what you think you know about relationships and communication. You may not get him back, we all wish we’d found this site sooner, but you can learn the tools here, and whether you are with him or not it will help in your healing.

I know he said horrible things to you at times, and pushed you, but the pain he was in…while it cannot be eliminated, it can be approached in other ways that *might* have made a difference. It takes a lot of discipline.

I come to the site, and stay on the site, because I want/have to learn and relearn the tools - they can get rusty if you aren’t disciplined about using them.

What do you think of these ideas?

with deep compassion, pearl.

Pearl,

Thank you so much for getting back to me. I know I made quite a novella. I wasn't able to describe everything that happened in our interactions, but I will say that, yes, he pushed me over and over, and I always stayed and reassured him. I never made any threats, though he obviously mistook my setting boundaries, such as him lashing out at me ( verbal abusiveness, disrespect on a worsening basis) when I told him that these things were destructive to the relationship and that I wanted healthy communication and wanted him to have all he deserved. I always loved him unconditionally, even though many times during his lashing out and pushing me, he caused me great pain and often times, took no responsibility. I had no idea he even had BPD.

He also told me that he didn't care about abandonment issues, and was repeatedly disrespectful to me, going off for long periods of time, purposely refusing to even give me a phone call during the month, because he was upset we were apart, due to circumstances outside of my control. So, I was inadvertently being punished for things beyond my control, because he wasn't getting his way. I was shut out repeatedly for long periods of time.

I would literally cry, not knowing how to get through to him. I told him how this pattern was hurting me, and it was pushing me to my limit, of what I could emotionally bear, because I felt so alone in the relationship and that I was fighting for it by myself. He could be reasoned with briefly, but then had a cycle of reverting. I became more and more worn out.

He lost a lot of empathy for me, and the more I loved this man, the more I was actually punished and shut out.

During the middle of the domestic violence trial, I came down to be with him, and comfort him during an alcoholic relapse he had, and I took him in my arms, and comforted him, while I was going through hell. I see him sit in filthy clothes, due to lack of self care, and heard him cry that he felt like trash and didn't want the world to see him. I sat with him in the car, my hand on his dirty pants, and I had tears streaming down my face, as I told him that I saw him and still loved him, and that I would go to the store and get him a new pair of pants. He told he was too ashamed to be seen in public, so I told him, " tell me your size, and I'll go get the pants for you." This is the kind of devotional love I had for him. I'm not perfect, by any means, but I gave him my all.

He was emotionally hurt over everything, almost like a double standard. He continued to make threats to me, over everything that he needed to take a break, but if I asked for one because he was lashing out, I was blacklisted as untrustworthy. When I said early on maybe we should try to be friends instead, when he continued to lash out and disrespect me, he took that as an offense, too, even though he would later demand I be friends with him after he broke up with me, in order for me to continue to meet his needs; after awhile, everything was on his terms. It was all about his feelings and needs, and I gave until there was little left of me.

I hung in there and endured both his active addiction and what I now know is BPD, plus, the fact that he was actually withholding the fact that he had been using drugs behind my back for months, and hadn't told me.

At one point, some months ago, he actually tried to get me to do ecstasy with him, and used the excuse that it was really to help me cure my PTSD, and that he hadn't brought it up before, because he didn't want me to think he had gone back to using drugs. So, he was lying to me for months, living a double life.

I endured a lot for this man, and I'm not saying I'm some martyr, but I went through a lot and hung in there beyond most people's ability because I truly loved him.

He is also aware that I am trauma survivor and I specifically told him that his constant telling me he was going to let me go, was triggering my abandonment trauma, and he continued to do it.

So, while, in his mind, I created pain; they were actually mostly responses to being lashed out at, and given no empathy. When I loved him, I was punished. When he pushed me away, I was punished. When I gave him space, I was punished. Push pull push pull. When I set boundaries and told him how his actions were affecting me and how I wanted to preserve the relationship? That was taken as a threat. Having boundaries and taking care of my own needs over his? I was punished.

I had never realized BPD was one of the issues here until recently. I had literally zero clue.

He essentially imploded on himself because he was hiding a double life of drug abuse, and I was blamed for that too, as well me not wanting to take the terms and conditions and be put into que for a romantic relationship later. So, I was expected to stuff the agony of being dumped, and continue to meet his needs, as always. In the midst of breaking up with me, he actually told me, he realized he was being selfish, but had to do this to stop the pain from being apart. He refused to take any practical steps to fight for our relationship, and I had no idea how to process this as anything more than pure rejection by a man who had promised me a family. I was headed for a breakdown at this point, and had to take a break to preserve myself, esp with my PTSD. I explained my need for a break, and it didn't matter to him. I was still told to " f*** off."

Unfortunately, I'm reading how they get into their cycles, and your needs cease to exist, and holding them accountable can make things worse.

I'm not quite sure what to do. No matter what I've done, he has sabotaged it, in one way or another. I have the distinct feeling an untreated BPD will do that unless they get help. Unfortunately, I had no idea I was dealing with a disordered person. I was trying to relate as a normal human being, even in the face of my own trauma, but this BPD world has flipped everything upside down, where up is down and down is up... I don't even know how I lasted as long as I did in the relationship.

I wish I could have the opportunity to talk with him and share about BPD so he can get the help he needs. I've always loved him and he knows this. In the end, I was gracious and kind as I've always tried to be, even in the face of terrible verbal abuse, and said he was the one walking away, and I had never abandoned him, to which he replied, " If that makes you feel better... " He refused all accountability

Your thoughts are genuinely appreciated, Pearl. ((hugs)

And, thank you for reading my novella

[pearlsw]

Hi AlwaysWish,

Pouring us some more tea here and asking…What do you know so far about BPD and how to interact with someone who has it?  

wishing you peace, pearl.