Way forward after affairs? Wife w/ BPD, two stepdaughters; what to do?

[cj2018]

My wife with BPD and I are now dealing with her third affair in eight years. I'm ready to leave, but she has two daughters, now 15 and 12, and the oldest in particular had an awfully hard time with her first divorce. Wondering if there's a way forward - wife isn't violent, but don't see how we get out of these same patterns. I can see the road ahead, and it looks like a steady cycle of hurt for me.

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[pearlsw]

My wife with BPD and I are now dealing with her third affair in eight years. I'm ready to leave, but she has two daughters, now 15 and 12, and the oldest in particular had an awfully hard time with her first divorce. Wondering if there's a way forward - wife isn't violent, but don't see how we get out of these same patterns. I can see the road ahead, and it looks like a steady cycle of hurt for me.

Hi cj2018,

I know this must be very painful! Can you please tell us more about the patterns you mention here? Have you been able to talk about the patterns with her?

You wish there was a way to make it work, and are uncertain you can stick around for more of this?

with compassion, pearl.

[cj2018]

From what I'm reading around this site, it's similar patterns to what others experience. She'll go a long stretch where she needs me/wants me around for everything. Parts of this time, she'll be very low, near suicidal (talking about dying a lot, pointlessness of life, etc.). It's included times when I run home in the middle of the day after she's called me in shambles. After a while, her mood will change, and she'll seemingly forget about the earlier times. She'll want to do more things, often on her own, will start talking about how she feels trapped, or not satisfied, or I'm not giving her what she needs; and this has, at least three times, come along with a secret affair, sometimes emotional, sometimes physical.

Through it all, she bristles at every limit I set, denies her behavior, alternately blames me for seemingly all of her problems or wants to solve them for her. (One stupid example: she got into a habit of grabbing my crotch out of nowhere - say, while cooking. I told her she's super sexy, I like when she touches me, but don't just grab my crotch. This became that I don't find her desirable, or I have a problem because other guys would like this; and sometimes when I'll reach out to her physically, she'll say something like "no, you don't like that," and perhaps use a male voice and mock me.) Working through conflict is hell - the target always changes, she'll yell and berate me, if I raise my voice she'll shut down and say she can't talk to me when I'm like that, etc.

We've talked about her patterns - mostly, that she's feels very strong, sometimes inconsistent feelings; that she wants both unlimited freedom and reliable support; etc. She has a high degree of insight, and she's super intelligent, but she reconciles it all as, "this is just who I am," sometimes in a beating-her-self-up way, sometimes in a take-it-or-leave-it way. She's done a fair amount of counseling, but isn't presently.

I'm pretty much at wit's end. Your summary is right on - wishing there was a way to make it work (mostly for the kids, at this point), but uncertain I can stick around for more.

[pearlsw]

I'm pretty much at wit's end. Your summary is right on - wishing there was a way to make it work (mostly for the kids, at this point), but uncertain I can stick around for more.

Hi cj2018,

Thanks for sharing!

Have the affairs damaged things completely? Have you lost all trust? Do you still have any feelings for her? Feel in love? What would it take for you to feel you wanted to stay, not for others, but for you?

Does she show any interest in changing things, or want the status quo?

Ouch. I can relate having a partner who does not show respect for my body at times!

take care, pearl.

[cj2018]

I still have feelings for her and love her deeply. Just might need to do it from further away.

I’ve lost all trust, at least for now. I’ve asked for her to make an extra effort to rebuild it, including a few specifics. She tells me it makes her feel trapped, and she wants her own life (but with me around for whenever she wants this life, too).

What I’d need for me, at minimum, is a genuine interest in trying to work together, putting us before everything else. Don’t see any real hope for that. She wants the status quo, is upset that I even want to talk about how to deal with our situation. Said last night that she’s done with it all, but I can’t even trust that that’s real.

Also, she’s been in AA for over ten years, recently stopped going and started smoking pot. She has occasional  suicidal ideations (not recent). It’s a mess, can’t see how to navigate positively in any direction.

[cj2018]

Update: she’s been slightly nicer over the past week, and has agreed to do marriage counseling, but there’s nothing beyond that. She’s distant, uninterested, not reaching out or repairing. I’m the only one who initiates talking about the situation, and she says she’s tired of talking about it. I expect more, but I guess I should know better. If not for the girls, it would 100% be time to leave. Maybe it is anyway.

[pearlsw]

Hi cj2018,

Thanks for the update. I hope others will drop in and share their thoughts with us as well! We all deserve some support!

So will you be doing the marriage counseling together? I know it's hard if she is distant, uninterested, not reaching out, etc. Have you done counseling before? Are you solely in this for the kids at this point?

I did some relationship counseling with a partner many years ago. I'm a "try anything once" kinda gal and truly believe in giving a relationship my all so I gave it a shot. It was pretty hard though, because at that point, when you get to counseling, things are so low.

I remember reading books and trying to get the concept of how even one person can make a relationship better. I know that does not sound appealing on the face of it, but in the case of my current situation it was also true. All the self-work I did, all the tools I tried and tried again to work with, it made a difference, if only in that I felt better and knew if I ever did the leave the relationship I could be at peace knowing I "gave it my all.  Meditation also helps, a lot!

If you have the energy and the time I'd keep studying here and asking questions. I'd really consider this idea I've mentioned about putting your focus completely on changing yourself because that is where you have the control, and you (all of us) need help learning how to communicate with a very unique individual.

In fact, just to add, the fact that I'd done counseling before and read books actually was a bit of a hindrance as my current problems arose. I thought a little too highly of myself! "I've made an effort in this area of life, he never has, therefore the problem is all him, or at least more him". But it wasn't. I didn't mean to be, at all, but I was invalidating at times, expecting him to just get over his feelings. (I could never handle the intensity of his feelings.) What a bad example I was! Especially when I wanted him to care about my feelings. Instead I had to reteach myself and in turn I could model good behavior for him. In some ways it worked.

I'm not saying any of what I did would work with a hard case, but... .it at least could give you some inner peace.

How are you feeling now?

wishing you the best, pearl.