Mother's Day

[Sadnhurt]

Hi to all the Mom's (and Dad's) following Mother's Day

Mother's Day, marked as being a special day for Mom's everywhere, except for some of us who have a child (my daughter is 28 and not diagnosed) with BPD.  I spent the past couple of weeks dreading the day knowing that I would not hear from her.  And so the day came and went and I didn't hear from her, the first Mother's Day that I have not heard from her since she stopped communicating with me over 7 months ago.

My husband says I struggle with this more because I don't talk about it, I keep everything inside, no one at work knows that we do not communicate, I stay away from the coffee break room because I just don't want people to ask me about her for fear that the tears will start flowing yet again.  I'm ashamed and embarrassed that my daughter doesn't speak to me, yet has a relationship with my Mom.  Yet I know I was a good mom so why does this happen.

So I will again go back into counselling, not because I think it will stop me from crying but because I need to talk about it more.  She lives 4 provinces away from me, she's been back twice (to stay with my Mom and sort through her belongings that she moved there) and I have not seen her or heard from her.

So many emotions, so many tears, I wish I could just stop crying and live and accept  my new reality.

SadnHurt

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Sadnhurt

Phewwwww!   I made it through another Mothers' Day... .and you did, too! 

My daughter and I have been estranged so many times.  This time it has been for the better part 6 years.   I don't have the comfort of having her live at a distance.  We live in a smaller community and there have been many times when our paths have collided... .her turning from me.

I so relate to your post.  I so understand your hurt.  This has been a 40-year run for me, trying to love a daughter who has problems loving me in return... .unless she was in need of help.

You differ from me, though, in that you say you don't talk about it.  I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve.  I would "blubber" to anyone who listened.  That is not good, either. 

Good that you say you will go back to counselling again.  Having a sounding board is important, especially one who is a trained sounding board.  With that said... .hope you stay here, too.  There are more than me who will stand up and let you know that you are not alone in what is happening to you.

Over the years I have seen my daughter "triangulate" when she was targetting someone (see to the right "Know Good vs Bad Triangulation" and I would shake my head at her intensity to get that job done.  It was hard to believe that she could turn on me like that, her Mom.   What a feather in your daughter's cap to feel she has swayed your own mother to her side. 

I'm curious... .do you and your mother ever have conversations about what is happening?

Well, Sadnhurt, I have cried buckets over the years.  There was a time when I would wake in the middle of the night, the moment my eyes opened, tears would fall.  I had handed over total control of my happiness... .my well-being... .to my daughter.  It was ME who gave her control of MY life... .My happiness.  Sadly, you are doing the same with your daughter. 

Sadnhurt, I hope you get to that counsellor as soon as possible.  Change is needed and it has to start with you.  I have accepted the fact that any kind of relationship I will ever have with my daughter will not be a relationship I envisioned.  The key word is "accept" because once you accept something, you deal with it better.

I don't want to mislead you in thinking my heart never hurts.  I am a Mom and will always be her Mom.  It has helped me to think back on when she was little, throwing a tantrum.  I look at it like she is doing the same now... .will sometimes think of her and then say to myself... ."Oh, brother, get over it!"  Believe it or not, that gives me a feeling of empowerment... .a little kick-in-the-pants to get me refocusing on something other than her. 

Hope to hear more from you, Sadnhurt, as you work your way towards better tomorrows.  We'll help you along.  Know that your posts about your journey are important for others to read.

Huat

[Feeling Better]

Hello Sadnhurt,

I’m so sorry that you didn’t hear from your daughter for Mother’s Day, I also know how heartbreaking that can be. I knew that I wouldn’t hear from my son when it was Mother’s Day earlier this year here in the UK, it didn’t stop me having a glimmer of hope though and wishing that things were different.

I also tend to keep everything inside and I really struggled when I first found this site, it seemed so alien to me to be writing my feelings down, not knowing whether I would receive a response or even what that response would be. I am now so glad that I came here, I have learned so much and I am much more at ease getting my thoughts and feelings out there. Your husband is so right, talking does help. I never thought that I would ever go for counselling, but go, I did. I went for talking therapy, it really helped me to know that I was being heard and understood and above all else, to have my feelings validated. I am so glad that you have decided to go back into counselling, don’t forget, you are doing that for you and for your own well being, so I would like to wish you lots of success with that.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed that my daughter doesn't speak to me, yet has a relationship with my Mom.  Yet I know I was a good mom so why does this happen.

My son doesn’t speak to me, yet has a relationship with my mum (with my blessing) and I so wish that it wasn’t so. I was happy for him to have that relationship with my mum but it has totally backfired on me to such an extent that my own relationship with my mum is no longer what it was.
So, how do you feel about the relationship that your mom and your daughter have?
 Like Huat, I too wonder whether you and your mom have conversations about what is happening.

Hope to hear some more from you Sadnhurt, keep posting, it really does help x 

[Suzin]

To SadnHurt,
I also got through mother's day without hearing from my BPDD. The good news is I did not get a hateful text or call (which has happened in the past). I spent the day keeping busy and decided it was just like any other day, nothing special. I decided not to focus on her, not to let her hurt me.

My advise is to keep going to counseling and read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"

[Merlot]

Hi SadnHurt

I can soo relate. I have the same story; cut off 3 months ago from my DD27 and GD1 and no word for mothers day. I travelled back to my home town for work on Mothers day where she is currently living, which made it harder.  It is incredibly painful and hurtful.

I also understand the issues with your mother as Im in the same boat. I approached this by talking through how I was feeling. Im not sure she totally understands the BPD but she does understand why it is difficult for me, ven though I want them to have their special relationship. I have been reading a wonderful book called Done with the Cring by Sheri McGregor. It is about estrangement and reconciliation: a fab book which has helped a lot. Its made me think about things in a more constructive way and helped me to really understand my worth in very difficult circumstances.

Take care

Hugs Merlot

[Cynthia3]

Hi Sadnhurt,

Your post title caught my eye.  I too had a difficult Mother's Day.  My 18-year-old BPD son is still at home with his sister and me.  She is 15, and although he is capable of handling Mother's Day on his own, she used her own money last week to buy him a card to give me, because she was afraid he would do nothing for me and I'd be hurt by it.  His response to her was, "Oh, great! F-ing Mother's Day." Later, we found the card thrown across the room on the floor.  She quietly put it away, thinking he might ask her for it later, in a better mood.  A week went by, and he did not. On Mother's Day, my daughter made me breakfast in bed, gave me a card and a photo book she'd had made online, and I then took my mother out to lunch.  As I was leaving, my son asked if we were doing anything for Mother's Day.  I told him that his sister had made me breakfast, I was taking his grandmother out to lunch and would be back by 3:00.  :)id he say, "Ok, Happy Mother's Day"? Nope.  He said, "I won't be here."  While I was with my mom, he told his sister she was making him look bad.  She tried to put him in his place, telling him to do something about it because him doing nothing for me is his fault, not hers. He said no, because he doesn't care.  Later he sent me a text saying no one had asked him if he wanted to do something for Mother's Day, and I had left to go to my Mom's so... .basically blamed us for his behavior.  His sister was/is disgusted, but I had expected as much, prepared myself for it, and focused on my daughter and my mom.

Sorry for all the details of my day, but I want you to know that you're not the only one who had a difficult day and I understand how hard it is not to be upset by it, no matter how well you know it isn't your fault.

From everything I've learned, it seems that BPDs need to have an enemy... .someone to blame all their struggles on.  While my son knows there is "something wrong" with him, he is also so frightened by that and desperate not to be damaged or at fault for his life problems, that he MUST blame me in order to preserve what's left of himself.  If it's my fault, it can't be his fault.  If there's something wrong with me, than there's nothing wrong with him. Making excuses with that text actually shows me that he did feel bad about his behavior, but he was still incapable of taking responsibility for it, or doing something to fix it, because that would be admitting that it's him, not someone else.  I simply told him that his behaviors leading up to the day (he also curses, at me and calls me names, and tells me I make him feel terrible almost daily) made it impossible for me to know he would have wanted to participate in Mother's Day.  I told him I'm not upset with him, but simply felt it best not to force anything on him by approaching him about it.  I figured that was the best way I could come up with to help him see that this was his doing, without making him feel that he had upset me or that I thought he'd been intentionally nasty, because he won't accept that anyway and it just makes him act out towards even more.

It hurts when the people we love the most, seem to hate us, or perceive us to be terrible people. DEFINITELY, read Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. I think these are the best resources to help parents understand that our children's hateful behavior towards us is NOT a reflection of us... .but a projection of themselves!  And, believe it or not, it's not even intended to hurt us, but to protect themselves.  I think we are simply caught in the crossfire of their internal struggles.  I'm learning how to dodge the bullets, and I hope that you can too.

[Jnel921]

SadnHurt and Cynthia,

I am sorry your Mother's days wasn't the best. You are not alone, you can add me to the list as well. My D invited me out on Mother's day and said she had a gift card for me which surprised me as she never invites me anywhere or has bothered with gifts. She even made plans for lunch for my Birthday which was today.

On Mother's day I picked her up and as we were driving to the restaurant we both decided to go to the conversation started going south real fast. She told me she wanted to come home and I told her that as long as she is with someone who is violent towards her and can possibly be violent towards me there was no way. She asked why she couldn't have that relationship and live in my home. I told her because you want to use my car to drive him around. You want my money to pay for your education and you would make it a point not to be here. I don't want to be used.

Long story short she had a tantrum in the car. Walked out the car, was crying and pacing the parking lot. She kept threatening to kill herself and didn't want to listen to a word I said. She eventually asked me to drive her back to the BF's mother's apt. The day was ruined. When I got to the building she tossed the card in the car, opened the car door and walked away. She later sent a text saying that she would still have lunch today but we would go our separate ways thereafter. I truly didn't understand her point. It just sounded crazy. I just told her to forget it, that I wasn't going to put us both in a forced situation and then another fight.

Its sad to be blamed for everything she says she is going through, although I know there is no truth to what she says. She has caused all of this. She allowed the hurt and pain of her relationship and choices to interfere with both our lives. She thinks I should provide for her no matter where she is and she is wrong. I was clear that she had to earn and deserve all that I give her. But she hasn't. The no boyfriend is a condition, not a threat. But she doesn't see it that way.

I spent a good deal of time crying on Sunday and my H took me to dinner when the lunch with my D didn't work out. She texted me this morning to wish me a happy birthday. I told her that I bought a fragrance with the gift card and she just said your welcome.

I don't really want to say anything else to her. I want her to come to her senses eventually. I am trying not to let her take away all of the happy's in my holidays so I made other plans today. I can't say I don't think of her, and I think like Huat the only healthy, happy relationship and interactions I have with her are what I envision as well. Its tough when your child lacks insight and doesn't feel and understand your pain.

I pray that they all mature soon and grow out of this.