Peace over Police are here, Trashed house again

[Parents! Get help here!]

Blah! I’m sitting waiting for an assessment team while the police sit with my disregualted DD20. She doesn’t work, she doesn’t go to school, she goes out with friends, leaves a trail of mess where ever she goes in our home. We’ve asked her to clean the sink out for 3 days.

She went out last night till 3 a.m. and didn’t take her evening meds nor had she had her morning meds. When she’s off them, things like trashing the House happens.

So my husband woke up to a sink full of dirty dishes and he decided to take her phone. Then he left to go off to work- leaving me with the heavy lifting.

Well she woke in a horrid mood only to discover that her phone had been taken away. I shout have used set instead of reason with her. DD began trashing the side bedroom. She threw the computer at me and cracked up a huge mirror among other things. So when she threw the computer at me, I called the police. They don’t want us pressing charges. They’ve called in a team of social workers to assess whether DD needs hospitalization or not.

In the meanwhile, I’m just sitting here calming down. My knee is in terrible pain as she threw a desktop computer at my leg.

The good news is - the police got her to take her meds. She’s not suicidal and there’s a lull in our home as we all wait for the social workers to arrive.

DD is barely clothed hiding under the covers in the middle of all the mess. Blah!

I’m not giving DD her cell phone and my husband wants to hold it till she does something like get treatment or get a job. She’s been laying around for 2 years doing nothing but going out with her friends, smoking weed and a chore here or there- usually takes her several days or weeks to complete.

What do I do?

[Daisy123]

Blah! I’m sitting waiting for an assessment team while the police sit with my disregualted DD20. She doesn’t work, she doesn’t go to school, she goes out with friends, leaves a trail of mess where ever she goes in our home. We’ve asked her to clean the sink out for 3 days.

She went out last night till 3 a.m. and didn’t take her evening meds nor had she had her morning meds. When she’s off them, things like trashing the House happens.

So my husband woke up to a sink full of dirty dishes and he decided to take her phone. Then he left to go off to work- leaving me with the heavy lifting.

Well she woke in a horrid mood only to discover that her phone had been taken away. I shout have used set instead of reason with her. DD began trashing the side bedroom. She threw the computer at me and cracked up a huge mirror among other things. So when she threw the computer at me, I called the police. They don’t want us pressing charges. They’ve called in a team of social workers to assess whether DD needs hospitalization or not.

In the meanwhile, I’m just sitting here calming down. My knee is in terrible pain as she threw a desktop computer at my leg.

The good news is - the police got her to take her meds. She’s not suicidal and there’s a lull in our home as we all wait for the social workers to arrive.

DD is barely clothed hiding under the covers in the middle of all the mess. Blah!

I’m not giving DD her cell phone and my husband wants to hold it till she does something like get treatment or get a job. She’s been laying around for 2 years doing nothing but going out with her friends, smoking weed and a chore here or there- usually takes her several days or weeks to complete.

What do I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Oh my gosh Daisy, I'm so sorry. You were already really stressed, this is the last thing you need. I really feel for you.

I think I asked before but are you in financial position to help her with rent? Having some physical distance between you might really help you and especially your husband. I knew my daughter wasn't doing anything and living in a pig sty but not having to see it constantly really helped my mental health. But of course then she likely would stop taking her meds so it's a really hard trade off.

I'm glad the police called in social workers. Not all states handle those situations well.

How is your husband holding up?

[Huat]

Aw, Daisy123, I'm giving you a ((HUG)! 

I wish there was more that could be done at this moment but hope you feel this hug and the ones that are coming from so many of us here.         

Keep using this as your life-line, Daisy123.  You need to be heard as you go forward and we are listening.

Stay strong!

Huat

[MomMae]

Daisy, just wanted to say how sorry I am that this is happening to you and your family.  I'm glad that the police in your area seem to be trained in mental health issues... .so often, too often, not the case.

I wish there was something I could say to help... .please just know that there are people out there who "get it" and who are understanding your pain.  You are not alone, Daisy123.  I hope you feel that, and the empathy that comes along with it.    MomMae

[bluek9]

Daisy123,

            How awful to have this kind of stress going on right now.     . I agree with HB, what a great thing the police did in calming her down, getting her to take meds and then getting a social worker. That would never happen in my state. And I'm with Huat    , hugs and hugs. And MomMae, we are here for you, glad you have a safe place to come to for venting. Seems like when the bottom falls out, it goes all he way. Your question "what do I do?"  Well breath! Sometimes for me all I can do walk away, take a break even if only for a moment. And you know what you DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS RIGHT NOW. There are occasions when silence is great. I hope for you wisdom, peace and more strength. I'm glad you have a spouse to lean on.

[Daisy123]

Hi folks,
Thanks for being there. DD just finished cleaning up the broken glass and trashed room. Loads of broken glass!

HB- if we had the funds, my husband would have moved her out himself! But as of right now, she have to stay put. I’m glad he was at work when DD lost it. It would have been WWIII. I’ve got that going for me.

MM and Haut-
You both bring up something that I am grateful for. The police actually know us pretty well. They’ve been here close to a dozen times. And I am really glad that the PD are sensitive to mental health issues. I told them my husband was texting me and wanted to press charges and the officer said, ‘Not a good idea, she has mental health issues’

Can you believe that?

He said he wanted to get the social worker in to assess possible next steps because I didn’t feel safe- that she’d continue trashing our home after they’d left.

I was downstairs listening to the officers interview her. She said she’d blacked out and didn’t remember much of the morning. That’d she’d woken from a nightmare (she has them quite often) and remembers getting really mad when I had told her we’d taken her phone. And that’s about it.

In my Family Connections group, some members say their loved ones black out in traumatic events such as this one.
Has anyone out there have similar experiences?

The social worker came in and she was lovely. She modeled SET like you wouldn’t believe. She got my daughter to open up- which is huge. And my DD went on about how her dad is pushing her to her wits end and when she’d heard it was her dad that had taken her phone, she became
enraged. He took her phone while she was still sleeping.And like I said, left for work and let me tell her no phone till chores were done.

The social worker got DD to think about what she wants to do with her future and went on to say that the symptoms of BPD make it difficult for her to move forward and possibly move out of her father’s home.

Anyway- the conversation she had with the social worker was eye opening. DD is furious with her father’s treatment and said she’d not go into a PHP till he got help because she’s working on trying to change and he isn’t.

The social worker SW said that DD couldn’t force her dad to get treatment and that DD has the opportunity to get help-
That she was 20 and young enough to make meaningful changes so that she could live independently.

I added that I wanted DD to get help while still on my insurance and that she has only a handful of years left with that kind of help.
The SW added in the sweetest way that she’s been to the state run institutions and that they are really tough- she’s better off getting treatment with the help of insurance.
Well the SW got DD to consider taking a session or two with her dad and therapist. The SW asked if DD would consider higher level of treatment- that there was definitely treatment for people with BPD.
My DD said yes.
She’d make the call to set up an appt with the PHP that has DBT.

I’m not holding my breath. I will believe it when I see it.

After they all left my DD broke down in tears and apologized and said that what really scares her is that she can’t remember the whole morning and that she is so out of control.

Baby steps.
Thanks again for the support. It really has helped me tremendously.
I’m so grateful for this board.

[Yepanotherone]

Oh Daisy I’m so sorry  what a horrific morning for you , big huge hugs to you xxx it sounds like the social worker did an excellent job communicating with your DD and if DD could find a therapist like her , it would be a great help . It also sounds like a good idea for DD and her dad to have sone therapy sessions together. My fingers and toes are crossed that he agrees .
Maybe tell your husband that the only way you can have a future as a family is if he takes these steps to work with his DD . Really lay it on thick ; “nothing will change , things wil only get worse , he can throw his DD out into the street and detach himself from her if he really wanted but would that REALLY bring him happiness ? This is not going to go away and he can’t bully your DD into changing .  She needs to see him making the effort too , things can and do get better but he HAS to work with the process and be open to changing himself for his DD’s sake as well as for his own sake “ etc etc . These are the types of things I would say to him . I feel he is key to helping your DD move forward and wanting to change . 

In my PM to you this morning , I told you my husband was like a broken man in court on Wednesday and my DD saw him like that in tears . The fact that he was open and showed his vulnerability , in addition to his very presence in court to support her meant the world to her . When 18 months ago my husband was literally ready to throttle her ! He once lost his temper so much I thought he was going to hit her ( he never ... but he was so enraged he could easily have !)

Try to persuade him that he might actually hold the key to your DD taking responsibility to accept help and to heal xxxx

[once removed]

hi Daisy123,

it sounds like things with the social worker went about as well as could be imagined. is there any update?