Hi Gifthorse
I'm totally new in here - registered just now, May 12. 2018 - I thought your post was so interesting that I wanted to answer.
First thing I don't understand in here is: Where can I see when you have posted this? (bc if you posted this i 2013, I guess you aren't interested in my answer. I can only see when people were online the latest.
Well, I take the chance and hope your post is new.
Btw, my first language isn't english, I'm from Europe, so I hope you'll forgive my poor english, spelling and grammar
Hi everyone! Was wondering if someone here could help me to understand BPD a little better.
Hello
I really understand.
I'm 99.9% sure my sister has BPD, but she thinks everybody else has a mental diagnosis. I also have struggled the last 10-15 years with her. We're in our 40s now, I am the little brother and sometimes I really feel our troubles are so childish, because normally we're well spoken in our family, and I think we're OK clever and therefore should be able to steer around minor obstacles and solve small conflicts before they grow bigger. Non the less, we are not!
About a year ago my psychologist mentioned that my sister sounded like BPD and that I could read a bit about the diagnosis on the net. I did, and I was really chocked when I read 'Stop walking on eggshells' by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. I recognized almost everything in the book. But after working with all the info for about 18 month, I guess I don't really understand BPD, I can just admit that it is soo hard to understand, because I haven't found a system in her reactions, they can change from day to day, from hour to hour. When I expect her to explode, she sometimes seems cool and OK with everything, almost calm. But then again she can suddenly explode, even at first entrance for e.g. Christmas, because of 1 sentence I said to her almost a year ago. So unpredictable. And I feel anxious every time I have to see her. But right now it all ended in no contact (NC). Not because I wanted to talk a lot about myself, but just so you maybe and hopefully understand my answers better.
About 10 years ago I unintensionly triggered something in my sister when we were discussing our childhood. It was something mean our father had done which she totally took the wrong way and has ruined our relationship.
At first when I read this, I thought. Exactly like in my family. Family matters from her childhood are the most explosive subjects to her. And at first I also (like you?) thought we had almost the same feelings about our childhood, since there were no abuse. But we really didn't. I know my sister looked pretty happy until she was about 16, and then something happened.
She kind of quit on her super good girl friends from high school and began attending a really religious community, not just ordinary Christians like my parents and me. But really extreme, trying to tell people that if they didn't read the Bible and prayed as much as her, they would for sure go to hell.
Everything she said was so extreme black or white, like splitting (30 years before I even heard of BPD splitting). My parents actually have been so sad about her development, because they didn't understand why she changed into this extreme way.
She complained a lot about everything had been wrong in her childhood, but I was pretty glad about my childhood and we've lived in the same house, been on the same vacations and my parents were 100% fair. If I got something, she also got something at the same value. It was so fair that even the chips were counted before
Saturday nights movie on TV, so me and my sister got the same amount
and so we couldn't complain over the other.
So I couldn't recognize anything in my 16 yo sisters mind. It was scaring and I was sad, but I kept it inside, because my parents were even more sad, so I wouldn't bother them.
But after a lot of research I now feel I can assemble the puzzle a little better, because I've read that many personality disorders begin when kids became teenagers/young adults. That's a match for my sister. And from that time she has always been totally black and white about everything.
If I had known better I would never have said anything but I had no knowledge of BPD at the time and was only trying to clear something up (stupid I know).
No, actually I don't agree. It wasn't stupid! It was normal. It's normal to discuss our childhood when we become adults. Usually siblings share fun-facts about their childhood. What wasn't normal was your sisters reaction. In my mind it sounds like BPD. And you should know how many hundred times me and my parents have said "Oh, why did we mention that, when we know she doesn't react normally. Then we could have had a family dinner that wasn't ruined." I think it's so healthy to think that way. Why should we ruin dinners or birthdays were we should have fun and celebrate, when we can talk problems all the other time we see or call each other? But my psychologist always says to me: It truly sound like BPD traits, and if you can avoid your sister exploding at a dinner, she will just explode another time. You can't hold her back. It's her personality traits. Maybe you can please her for the moment (and that really unhealthy for any relatives in the long run), but then she sure will explode at another occasion. So don't blame yourself. If she's BPD it would have happened maybe a week or a month later.
You're absolutely not to blame.
We went very low contact after this episode but every now and then she would contact me and tell me what was up with her... .The problem was I don´t think she contacted me so as to become friends again but to try to put me down (never returning calls, cancelling dates in the last minute) Wanting some kind of contact just so she could mess with me so to speak... .
I kind of recognize that. We got No Contact (NC) after trying again for 1 year after 5 years NC. I have to say to myself: It's not your fault. Remember your psychologist: If she's BPD it will happen sooner or later. And it always happen to people close to her, like family or colleagues - never to her high school friends she maybe sees once a year. My sister can also be like that, just in another way. She can send me a mail telling me that she doesn't want any contact with me anymore, not now, not in the future. And a month later she sends me a big birthday present and a really pretty 3D card full of nice words. And that part I can't stand, because I become so confused 'You don't wanna see me or talk to me anymore, but you're sending me presents and cards. How am I supposed to interpret this? I feel she hates me, but she wants to stay in contact on birthday (but not when I'm in hospital e.g. Not a card or phone call at that time, even though I wrote it to her in a mail and our mother told her).
I can only guess. I think there is some kind of regretting, but again she would NEVER apologize to me, so maybe her mood changes and she suddenly wanna send me something. In that situation your sister reminds me a bit of a BPD friend I also had (And why did I suddenly have two BPD-persons among the people I see - I actually don't know - yet), she was soo afraid of everyone abandoning her, so she checked on people sometimes every hour in texts, and if I or her boyfriend didn't answer, she would already believe that we abandoned her both. I can only say it became a self-fulfilling prophecy, because it's really tough to be checked on every hour and assure someone that won't leave them. After doing that for the 120 time, you actually begin playing with the thought of leaving her.
.After several years of this, I had enough and called the whole thing off because it was getting to me emotionally( whole point I suppose) and now she has sent me another text message... .Is there a way of knowing if she genuinely wants to make up or does she just miss messing with my head?
I truly understand. It's soo exhausting! I tend to break down too when I can't have anymore scheming, if you can called it that, because I'm not sure how aware they are of their behavior.
I don't think there is a way of knowing if she genuinely wants to make up. Or said in another way: If it was my sister or my late BPD-friend, yes, you could actually be sure that they wanted to make up. Right in that moment the texted me, I know it is genuine. But I also know that in that moment they're typing the text or e-mail, they're not aware how much energy and effort they have to put into changing behavior to get the relationship to work for both. My late BPD friend actually just wanted her boyfriend to please her, when they had a confrontation, so she kind of wanted him to be better to accepting her to get the relationship to work. And that was a pretty bad deal to him, because he already suffered so much when she got mad or jealous. And with my sister, she also suggests from time to time that we meet and solve every problem and talk about we expect from each other. The peculiar thing about that agreement is, that the few times, I've showed up to do exactly that. She gets furious with minutes when I mention just the slightest things about how she has treated me, and how I've chosen to shut up to keep the good relation to her. Now I now there isn't anything like making up, because she actually expect me to say I'm sorry for 20-30 episodes I've said to her in my childhood more than 25 years ago. And she can't get really mad and tell me that she won't see me anymore if I don't apologize to her right now. That time she also tried to get her husband against me (that was before he also got tired and divorced her) and that made me really uneasy. She could invite me for Christmas coffee and cake in december, and when I arrived with bells on, pretty happy, I soon understood that this wasn't a showdown but a duel (like in the Wild West). In her mind apparently only one could survive. And that's her black and white / splitting mind again. She hold grudges about almost everything about me and other people who doesn't think the exact same as her. And she will only let go when people fall to their knees and apologizes. I've done that too many times, and would really warn anyone to do that with BPDs because it's a never ending story, and you will feel more and more humiliated and sad. I did. I even had anxiety attacks before seeing her years after that "Christmas Coffee". I don't think I did it because I'm weak (though my sister will always love to call me weak, because I'm not stubborn like her), but I did it - And I know my mom and dad did it, because we were afraid of losing contact with her.
Now I realize that it's never worth it loosing yourself "just" to keep in touch with a sibling. I still it's so important making up as siblings. But we have to meet in middle. It's not about one falling to his or her knees apologizing and pleasing at every occasion afterwards.
So, I will just say to you. I don't think your sister knows if she wanna make up. But surely she's in doubt about it. It's really important before you decide if you should meet with her and try again, that you define for yourself on what permissions are you willing to do this on. I guess I have tried 5 times with my sister. Result: Crash'n'burn every time. Sometimes after 6 months with me pleasing. Sometimes just after a "wrong word" from me in the phone. And then she hangs up or leaves if we're meeting in person.
I think this situation is soo hard. Because I want a good relationship with my sister soo soo bad. But I have to admit, that I get anxiety and feel humiliated almost every time we try to make up. I'm really used to talk to my psychologist, and I've used Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for more than a decade now, and that have helped me very, very much. My sister, nope, hasn't tried to get any help at all, because nothing is wrong with her. It's all the people around her who has mental diagnosis' and who need to change. That's her opinion.
So first of all. Take care of yourself in the first place. If you're have extra energy you can try to respond, try to make up, but set limits and conditions from the beginning before you get sucked into a never ending BPD black hole.
All the best wishes from me to you
Thanks in advance... .
