Trying to Overcome the Feeling of Hopelessness

[roughrider]

My adult daughter has many traits of BPD although she is missing some of the significant ones. We're struggling with trying to help her. More importantly, we're now struggling with helping ourselves. We're at the point in life where we wanted to slow down and enjoy it, but we're living in pure hell. We are hopeful that we can find some suggestions here for taking our lives back.

We read Setting Boundaries for Your Adult Child by Allison Bottke and discovered that we're terrible enablers, but we're having trouble adjusting to the concept that we have to be ready to let her to die. She's also an alcoholic and maybe even a drug addict.

Wish us luck.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[1hope]

Rough rider,
You've come to the right place!  We're all in the same boat here.  What are you going through right now?  What are you seeing in your daughter?  Is she seeing a professional? 

Share when you feel ready.   We're all here for you.  You're not alone!

1hope

[Merlot]

Hi roughrider

Along with 1hope, I welcome you to the bpdfamily.  It sounds like you're really going through a tough time and have been for quite some time.  I really understand how exhausting this is for you and I hope you get some much needed respite.

I've also been a terrible enabler, and changing patterns has been easy and still isn't but I think the initial pain may eventually lead to healthier outcomes for both me and my DD27.  I'm sorry your feel that stepping away for a little while and setting some limits may mean your daughter will die.  Thsi must be an utterly terrible thing to have to reconcile.  Are you able to engage with a professional to work through your limit setting and how this gradual change could possible lead to a better rather than adverse outcome?

There are many parents here who share your concerns and feeling that if they let go their child may die.  There is much learning here.  Have been able to work on some of the lessons to the right 

When and if you're able we would love to hear more from you and provide another avenue of support as you work through your issues.  Hugs to you.

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hello roughrider

I would like to join 1hope and Merlot in welcoming you here and to say how sorry I am to hear of what you are going through.

You say that you want suggestions for taking your lives back, that is great that you recognise that you have your own lives to lead.
 So, what is your current situation, how old is your daughter, has she been diagnosed and does she live with you? Sorry to bombard you with so many questions but it would be good to know a little more about your situation.

We read Setting Boundaries for Your Adult Child by Allison Bottke and discovered that we're terrible enablers, but we're having trouble adjusting to the concept that we have to be ready to let her to die.

Well, I think that anyone would have trouble adjusting to the concept that you have to be ready to let your child die, it’s something that no one would want to face. Having said that, does she give you any reason to think that that might happen?

Is your daughter currently getting any help, and you too, are you getting any help for yourself?

I do wish you luck roughrider, lots of it, please let us know how best we can support you 

[roughrider]

Thanks for the welcomes. My daughter is 34 and divorced. In February 2016, we moved her into our home to get her away from an abusive boyfriend. Law enforcement was involved on several occasions before the move. She got a DUI in 2013 and another one in 2016. The charges for the second one were dismissed, thankfully.

For the last two years, we've been handling her like an alcoholic. She certainly cannot control her drinking. However, my wife's employer provides a Employee Assistance benefit that allows us to see a counselor. So, we made an appointment. At the first meeting, she heard what we were saying, and she recommended that we read  "Stop Walking on Egg Shells." Well, it became somewhat obvious to my wife and me that we've been treating the wrong problem. She has most of the symptoms of BPD. We met with the counselor again yesterday and told her our "diagnosis." She agree with us. Now we're looking at things in a whole new light.

I'm at the hopeless stage because I don't know what treatment there is for the disorder. Moreover, how do you treat someone who doesn't believe she has the problem? She's lost just about every relationship in her life, and it tears our hearts out to watch her struggle with the problems she's created for us and for herself. For the last few days, she's either been staying out all night or coming in a 2:00 in the morning. I'm a light sleeper. When she comes in, the alarm alerts us (door chimes) causes me to lie awake for a long time.

The one BPD trait she is NOT exhibiting is suicidal tendencies. In that regard, she's more of a narcissist. Maybe he's more of an NPD than a BPD. Those characterizations are over my pay grade. In any case, she went on a date Sunday night. Her date got up from the table to go to the restroom and took off. You'd think she'd get the message, at some point.

What we have learned from the counselor is that we need to start setting boundaries. I'm a pretty tough disciplinarian, but with her disorder, she ignores a lot of things. It's getting to the point where there's going to be a event where she gets kicked out of the house again. I'm trying to balance love, enablement, common sense, and support, but I'm very new to BPD.

Enough rambling. Take your best shots. I'm anxious to hear any observations you may have. We're learning and possibly hoping against hope.

[Merlot]

Hi Roughrider

Glad you came back to share.
I can relate to your comments about being a disciplinarian. I have always had a strong value proposition which has been at odds with my daughter's behaviours. We have clashed many times even before her diagnosis. Having been cut off 4 months ago, Ive been able to reflect on what I might have done diffetently and how i will engage if reconciliation occurs. Im still learning, however, I think de-escalation and validating is a good start. I would encourage you to consider small limits and ones that she is likely to achieve if shes engaged in their consideration. Not necessarily everything on her terms but a negotiated position you can live with.

I have also read "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning. I found this nook to provide a deeper dive into BPD and considered strategies. Above all, look after yourself, its a long journey.

Keep talking to us
Merlot