Lots of nice friendly texts, they now start leading me into meeting up.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ok I feel a bit bad about calling her Medusa, but it was necessary for that time.

Lots of nice friendly texts, they now start leading me into meeting up. I want to, I have that impusivness to be the one to initiate it (she never puts herself vulnerable to actually make the plans but says everything to line it up and ive got to suggest it). Reason being I believe is the fear of me cancelling and making her feel abandoned or not showing up, all those scenarios, I could elaborate but thats basically it. No doubt on high alert since the fact I did ghost and go NC (which was completely out of character).

It is already difficult that I dont text her at all, regardless if a few days go by, I only reply and sometimes intentionally wait a few hours, despite knowing she knows I receive her text. A huge contrast to the times in the r/s where I had to be punctual beyond German standards, once I was 3 minutes late and she kept me waiting an hour outside. As soon as I left I got phonecalls bombing my phone, voicemails. begging me to come back.

Its safe to say that being with her kept me on "point" and thats all part of that andrenaline fix every day, when I say the r/s was overall great, Its because I kept to her rules, hard work.

I dont know yet where I want to go, conflicted is the perfect word, but at the moment I feel what im doing isnt manipulation as much as it is a subtle form of reprogramming, I want her to realise that she cant anymore press button A in me and get the same response she got historically.

Im hopeful that this behaviour might just be building towards the closure I was looking for, having this arms length contact that it is a walk in the park for me to manage in comparison to before. I can handle this, I havent emotionally involved myself at all and havent made any move to show too much interest. It has actually healed a lot in a small space of time, I dont have those strong feelings for her or feel obliged to meet her needs as I did, and im proving that to myself, something I couldnt do with complete no contact.

I have this urge to try and make her feel guilt or shame though even doing it as subtle as Ive already taken the opportunity. I find guilt and shame she can feel, even if momentarily, not love. Yet I havent found it that effective yet, she isnt one to ever display it to me so I would at least feel she had any recognition, she wont respond with a text, she may punch some walls instead and then wait for an opportunity to give double back in the future. Thats how it worked during the r/s and all of that processing now makes me realise that I can forgive her myself, write it off and look foward to moving on to what I wanted originally and what I still do, a quiet life. If she is trying the "hard to get" game she must be realising that its not going to work and it wont, because the more I come to terms with it all the more I realise I actually dont want anything much to do with her. Like I said, differentiating myself from the types of r/s she has had former to me. A huge contrast in the person she thought she knew so well, I feel that element is becoming the biggest benefit of this in showing her that I made exceptions for her to the very limit of my ability, and then some, but she took it for granted.

I have no idea if she can actually rationalise any of that, but regardless,

it somehow makes me feel better about it all anyway.

[Cromwell]

Ok I feel a bit bad about calling her Medusa, but it was necessary for that time.

Lots of nice friendly texts, they now start leading me into meeting up. I want to, I have that impusivness to be the one to initiate it (she never puts herself vulnerable to actually make the plans but says everything to line it up and ive got to suggest it). Reason being I believe is the fear of me cancelling and making her feel abandoned or not showing up, all those scenarios, I could elaborate but thats basically it. No doubt on high alert since the fact I did ghost and go NC (which was completely out of character).

It is already difficult that I dont text her at all, regardless if a few days go by, I only reply and sometimes intentionally wait a few hours, despite knowing she knows I receive her text. A huge contrast to the times in the r/s where I had to be punctual beyond German standards, once I was 3 minutes late and she kept me waiting an hour outside. As soon as I left I got phonecalls bombing my phone, voicemails. begging me to come back.

Its safe to say that being with her kept me on "point" and thats all part of that andrenaline fix every day, when I say the r/s was overall great, Its because I kept to her rules, hard work.

I dont know yet where I want to go, conflicted is the perfect word, but at the moment I feel what im doing isnt manipulation as much as it is a subtle form of reprogramming, I want her to realise that she cant anymore press button A in me and get the same response she got historically.

Im hopeful that this behaviour might just be building towards the closure I was looking for, having this arms length contact that it is a walk in the park for me to manage in comparison to before. I can handle this, I havent emotionally involved myself at all and havent made any move to show too much interest. It has actually healed a lot in a small space of time, I dont have those strong feelings for her or feel obliged to meet her needs as I did, and im proving that to myself, something I couldnt do with complete no contact.

I have this urge to try and make her feel guilt or shame though even doing it as subtle as Ive already taken the opportunity. I find guilt and shame she can feel, even if momentarily, not love. Yet I havent found it that effective yet, she isnt one to ever display it to me so I would at least feel she had any recognition, she wont respond with a text, she may punch some walls instead and then wait for an opportunity to give double back in the future. Thats how it worked during the r/s and all of that processing now makes me realise that I can forgive her myself, write it off and look foward to moving on to what I wanted originally and what I still do, a quiet life. If she is trying the "hard to get" game she must be realising that its not going to work and it wont, because the more I come to terms with it all the more I realise I actually dont want anything much to do with her. Like I said, differentiating myself from the types of r/s she has had former to me. A huge contrast in the person she thought she knew so well, I feel that element is becoming the biggest benefit of this in showing her that I made exceptions for her to the very limit of my ability, and then some, but she took it for granted.

I have no idea if she can actually rationalise any of that, but regardless,

it somehow makes me feel better about it all anyway.

[Skip]

Chrom, in a word, let go of the idea that revenge and "teaching her a lesson" is going to bring you closure or peace or happiness.

This underlying premise has been driving you for some time in this relationship. You messed with her before and thought you found some satisfaction and closure in it (read your old posts). You ghosted her and thought you found some satisfaction and closure in it.

It wasn't enough.

You are still thinking how to get back at her - 18 months after ghosting her and after reaching out to her to reconnect.

A lot of times when I read your threads I think I'm reading ":)exter".  I don't know if you are really living in dark thoughts or if this is a backdoor to making you feel safe by not being vulnerable - maybe bits of both. "She can't hurt me because I am one step ahead an hurting her" - You can't fire me, because I quit kind of thing.

Look, if you are fearful of being hurt to the level that you need these "protections", it's much healthier to walk away and heal. The "revenge", "social experiment" and "exigent decisions" are all masks... .



If the game is structured so that someone has to get hurt, don't play.

I think your choice is to either

1. step back in and be cautious (and tell her so, so there you are together on this) or
2. recognize that the wound you have is too great to do this. Take her out to a fun place, give her her healing on the ghosting, and make a second date for a month from now so you can sort yourself out.

Can you share what your wound is all about?

[Shawnlam]

Crom , you seem to be in a very similar position to me minus the revenge this which I don’t have .As much as it hurts to say , you still in love with her man? If so just say it,get it out... .We all know your hurt that clear but call it as it is ,you will feel much better typing it... .she isn’t gonna read it here anyways and nobody is gonna laugh at you for it either.I too am upset,confused,mad,sad, and I don’t know what to do either ,but then only thing I can say with any certainty is I love that little 5,4 blonde 108lb woman and the worst part for my vulnerability issues is she knows it.

[Cromwell]

It isnt so much revenge as I feel that there was never a chance to express properly to her in a way that I felt made her "get it" what she had done. Yet actually this is wrong, I did tell her, I believe it shamed her, but what I just couldnt get is closure on it. She made amends as best she could, but its all been done without the confrontation of shame on her part. Maybe my grudges are even deeper than hers, or at about the same level and I have to face that and accept it. Its how she built me up, put me in a position where she made out I meant "everything" to her, and at that peak came a complete betrayal nose dive. I think what hit me worst is the shock of it all. Made little difference that a few days later everything on the surface was "back to normal" or should I say, maybe just an oscar award winning stage play again. I dont know. She knew I was hurt and turned into my "rescuer", and did a great job of it.(to keep me hooked in).

Anyway I dont want to ramble on it was, let me think, 3years 6 months ago, I got my revenge in more ways than one, I shouldnt feel that way anymore. but all the revenge doesnt take away that deep betrayal, disillusionment, its not that I dont forgive its that I cant forget, which I had just managed to do 8months into NC until we have started talking again.

Its the cloud that hangs over whatever good times she can provide in the future, it sullies all her sweet words in my ear that I wanted to hear and she knows exactly what buttons to press with me.

however great the conversation or meet up over coffee will go (which I wont be paying for). I try to compartmentalise that betrayal away, and I manage, yet it then later just creeps back out over and over again. I need to get over this because it is like feeling a victim on repeat  shuffle song mode. Its complete disenchantment but the worst of it all is that I have actually felt I overcome all that, its just that this contact with her forces me to remember it all, yet at the same time, I feel happier that we speak rather than the NC outcasting I did.

Skip, Shawnlam, I actually am clueless of whats going on it is the most confusing thing ive ever had to unravel. I have no idea why she is even in my phonebook or why im in hers. I think deep down I have some sympathy? or compassion to think that somewhere down the line, she has feelings for me that I just havent been able to fully ascertain and perhaps this is just curiosity at thinking I might ever will find out.

There were times we were together that she made me feel that she was so lucid that she knew how I felt about her, that she dropped her facade completely and I saw the person I fell in love with. Yet they didnt last long but I encapsulated them. To think that with her condition I managed that, would have made me feel "that time together for that alone, was worth it".

Yet my feelings do not necessarily equal reality and this new-era is probably just trying hard to get the chance to validate it.

its crazy, unproductive use of my time and energy, yet I just dont have the capacity to let go of it. I think ive been brainwashed by her.

Theres not many options for me but to just meet her and hope somehow I will eventually detach, which is deep down what I think I want, for her I dont know her motive in all this but so far she is leaving enough time (waiting for me to show an interest) until it gets to the stage where her hand is forced to check-in on me. she is testing the waters now and hopefully a few weeks of this will realise ive just became a very very limited source of emotional supply. Thats fine with me, doesnt cost me anything to throw her a few scraps if she really is that needy for it. I dont want to take advantage, use her for sex and "staged entertainment" to give her a false impression. I have no clue what she is thinking and it doesnt matter actually, she can stay on the back burner on a very low heat and ill see what happens, lets see how brave she is to work for getting me back, even if it means making the offer to meet up rather than setting the pieces up for me. If there is any lesson learned it is that she can work for her food for a change if she wants it enough. Its no loss to me either way.

[blooming]

Hey Cromwell, maybe read back some of your own replies. The things you said to me. You were so certain of never wanting to go back to her. Is this really the path you want to take? After all that has happened? Try to list all the things she's done to you, all the times she's hurt you and made you feel bad. Try to look at that list whenever she texts you. Take your own advice. You deserve so much better.

[Cromwell]

Hey Cromwell, maybe read back some of your own replies. The things you said to me. You were so certain of never wanting to go back to her. Is this really the path you want to take? After all that has happened? Try to list all the things she's done to you, all the times she's hurt you and made you feel bad. Try to look at that list whenever she texts you. Take your own advice. You deserve so much better.

Thank you Blooming, I needed to hear that.

Well she texted today, im starting to see her cycle. She is mirroring the pattern of length it takes me to reply. it was almost 2 days and to the hour. When she does text it is upbeat, laughing at my jokes saying how happy I make her along with words like "honestly" which are a   straight away.

Blooming dont worry about the "getting back to her part", im not in the place I was when I was with her and I think I will be in a r/s soon with someone else anyway. I want to see how long it takes her to actually invite me to meet up, not saying I will even go, but I might, just to follow Skips advice and blame Skip if it goes disastarously wrong (just kidding Skip), no I think I would go because of the reasons given, I can make amends to her face to face and I think there is no harm in that.

at the moment we are on a 1 to 2 day text r/s, not even the dignity of an actual phone call.

[Cromwell]

Ok shes texted me late at night telling me how happy she has been, sorry to reply late as she was working and that she is working this weekend. Then she typed some stuff of the good things she remembered in our time together (just an event).

I have to think with different caps here;

the investigator cap: She said in a previous text she isnt working until Friday, Yet this text came Thursday night. Its possible her work called her in. Its possible she was just confused, or a mistake in the autotype function. Did someone else text? Does she even have a job?

the emotional cap: Hearing about the event she remembered made me reminisce about it, therefore, not concentrating on the emotions of the here and now or what had recently happened. All of a sudden there is the impulse to become immersed in those good feelings, lulled into a false state of security and reciprocate happy texts in return, which I did.

In the past her text would have been written more towards the angle of, ive just finished work can you pick me up. Now she probably was finished work, got a chance to text me as she takes the bus home, using me to "fill in the gaps" of loneliness.

People might read the investigator cap and think "oh, how distrustful bordering on paranoid".

No, unfortunatly this is the amount of processing required to do when you are up against a manipulative person. and that is just one text, not a phone call that can be qualitatively processed unless I record it and do so later.

Thats why there cant be a new r/s, despite how much I like her for what I believe she has otherwise amazing attributes. The amount of processing you have to do, and ensure you dont drop your guard, with someone that has broken your trust and betrayed you is a hallmark that there is very little point of being together. Its why her texts cant trigger that emotional response that I used to get so happy from and embrace, because over every word is a big question mark, nothing is believed unless it has been verified by fact.

Its good that I got to experience this, its helping me more to draw a line under it and one plus point of breaking the NC. She is the least significant person in my phone book, where before she was the top. Not out of love/hate, because trust is like porcelain, easily damaged impossible to fix back to what it was originally.

The Queen probably wanted to see if the chaffeur from the old days would offer to rescue her. Again, it is the "i need something right now" complex kicking in. The (diagnosed PD) people ive came across all had an attitude of trying where most would feel embarrased to, its as if shame and embarrasment are amputated, a notion of "well if you dont ask you dont get", makes me think of what the childhood must have been, the wisdom that a quiet child gets the less sweets.

Thats my biggest problem on all of this, im just too smart.

If I didnt see it for what it is, I would have just daydreamed through the r/s until I was either bankrupt, dead, or as good as dead. I told her that she was the biggest weakness I had, that I felt wrapped around her little finger, yet with very little rationale of why she had this power.

I sort of miss it in a way.