Why did my BP Dad do this?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Brief background:

My stepmom really strained the relationship between my sister and I with her tactics that can probably fall under the "divide and conquer" traits of BPD. After 10 years of a very strained RShip with my sis, we caught on this year to what happened and we are slowly becoming friends again. Yay!

I visited my BP dad/ Stepmom for the first time in years this past Feb. I was hoping for an apology about a couple of things that happened 3 years ago  or at least an explanation, but that didn't happen. But what did happen was their smear campaigns about my sister, her son 11 and their only grandchild. In fact, what really set the radar off in my head about their mental health was when they said that they are not going to call my nephew anymore because he said he was "bored" at their house last Christmas and "that didn't sit well with us."  My nephew is an amazing athlete for age 11 and he gets straight A's,but yet they were bashing my sisters parenting style. Lol.

This past Mother's Day, I wanted to send a message to the community. We live in a smallish town and my dad/step are pretty popular. They have smeared my sister and I for years, I'd hear about it. So my message to the community was in the form of a Mother's Day ad to my sister, from me. I posted a pic of her holding my nephew when he was a baby and I wrote about what a wonderful mom she is and how is success in sports and academics has a lot to do with her. It was written very well. And everything that I said is true and how I felt. I wanted to place an ad for my own mom as welll, but I thought that would seem spiteful so I did not.
A week after the ad for my sister... .

My dad places an ad twice as big for my stepmom for their 37th anniversary. It was the first time he's done it. He thanked her for marrying him, etc. and signed it "love you babe" and then his name.

Maybe this was just a nice thing he wanted to do for her. Or maybe it was a jab to me and sis?  He didn't say anything passive aggressive towards my sister and I in his ad but I just find it strange that he'd place an ad after 37 years, a week after mine, and twice as big.

[Jennylove]

Brief background:

My stepmom really strained the relationship between my sister and I with her tactics that can probably fall under the "divide and conquer" traits of BPD. After 10 years of a very strained RShip with my sis, we caught on this year to what happened and we are slowly becoming friends again. Yay!

I visited my BP dad/ Stepmom for the first time in years this past Feb. I was hoping for an apology about a couple of things that happened 3 years ago  or at least an explanation, but that didn't happen. But what did happen was their smear campaigns about my sister, her son 11 and their only grandchild. In fact, what really set the radar off in my head about their mental health was when they said that they are not going to call my nephew anymore because he said he was "bored" at their house last Christmas and "that didn't sit well with us."  My nephew is an amazing athlete for age 11 and he gets straight A's,but yet they were bashing my sisters parenting style. Lol.

This past Mother's Day, I wanted to send a message to the community. We live in a smallish town and my dad/step are pretty popular. They have smeared my sister and I for years, I'd hear about it. So my message to the community was in the form of a Mother's Day ad to my sister, from me. I posted a pic of her holding my nephew when he was a baby and I wrote about what a wonderful mom she is and how is success in sports and academics has a lot to do with her. It was written very well. And everything that I said is true and how I felt. I wanted to place an ad for my own mom as welll, but I thought that would seem spiteful so I did not.
A week after the ad for my sister... .

My dad places an ad twice as big for my stepmom for their 37th anniversary. It was the first time he's done it. He thanked her for marrying him, etc. and signed it "love you babe" and then his name.

Maybe this was just a nice thing he wanted to do for her. Or maybe it was a jab to me and sis?  He didn't say anything passive aggressive towards my sister and I in his ad but I just find it strange that he'd place an ad after 37 years, a week after mine, and twice as big.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Jennylove,

Great news that you and your sister have figured out the divide and conquer thing. What lead to that discovery ?

People with BPD get jealous, they covert. So it would seem very likely that the bigger ad was in response to your ad. More importantly, what is it that bothers you about this ?

[Notwendy]

Your ad challenged their narrative about your sister. I think your ad was done with good intent, but was any of your motivation in response to their narrative? If so, then you stepped on to the drama triangle with them.

The Karpman Triangle helped me to understand the dynamics in my family and also my BPD mother's tactics of divide and conquer. In my family I am the black child. This is an emotional designation. Facts like what you see your sister accomplish don't factor in to the designation. I think the most common configuration in the triangle is that the pwBPD takes on "victim" and their partner takes on "rescuer". Someone else is the "persecutor". This bond helps stabilize their relationship as their focus is outward- on someone else as the problem, and takes the focus off their own problems together. My mother is severely BPD but by blaming her issues on me ( or someone else) she is able to convince others that she isn't the one with issues.

Your ad disrupted this pattern. I can't know for sure, but my guess as to why your father did this is that BPD mother saw the ad, her narrative was threatened ,she went into "victim" mode and your father "rescued" her by placing the larger one.

The best way I know to stay off the triangle is to have a one on one relationship with someone that does not include my mother. The ad was nice but perhaps a way to show your sister how much you care is to take her to lunch, go get a pedicure together, something just the two of you. Having been the one who is smeared, I can tell you it feels hurtful but the people in my mother's life have a choice. To believe her, or to see with their own eyes. I feel that my own behavior is the best testament to who I am. If they choose to go along with her narrative, there isn't much I can do about it, but I can focus on being the best person I can be and connect with people who do care about me. Knowing someone doesn't believe what she says about me means a lot. I imagine your sister appreciates that.

[Jennylove]

Thank you both soo much for reading my post and responding!

I am not really bothered by it, but I do think it was immature.

Perhaps I did get tangled up in the triangle web. My main motive for posting my ad was to help clear my sister's name since she is so badly smeared by them and to put the message  out there that my sister and I are in unity and close. The reason I wanted to show ppl our unity is because my SM did everything in her manipulative ways to make sister and I enemies. And it worked for 10 years. And my SM loved telling other people " *sigh* well the girls don't get along *sigh*" when she was the instigator.  I don't have any regrets about my ad. My sister said she felt like a queen because she got a lot of Facebook messages from people telling her how nice the Ad was and asking about her son.

I think you are right about me ruining their narrative about my sister and possibly their script about our relationship as sisters. My SM probably got jealous which is typical of her and my dad then wanted her to feel special? Or maybe my dad was fuming over my ad for whatever reason, he does have rage issues. And then wanted to put a message out there that his wife is amazing, etc? My SM has always been his top priority. I was 3 when they got married and I had to take the backseat in his life because she was his number 1 and she wouldn't have it any other way.

Im just trying to figure them out. Trying to figure out what triggers them and then trying to figure out "why"

[HappyChappy]

Im just trying to figure them out. Trying to figure out what triggers them and then trying to figure out "why"

People with BPD are more predictable than nones. In that a lot of their  behaviour is almost systematic, such as triangulation and gas lighting etc... .So they share similar triggers. One trigger is if anyone takes the limelight away from them - such as your ad. Two being, if anyone conflicts with their inner script i.e. they want you two sisters not to get on, so you are more dependant on the mother, so you are less likely to leave. It is often documented that if a scapegoat fails, they tend to get a better reaction from their BPD mom, than if they succeed. Because the latter doesn't fit with the BPD inner dialogue.

BPD biggest trigger tends to be abandonment. So Wendy's excellent point about drama triangles, again is A typical behaviour to get attention back, to split people apart. A BPD is in their element when there's drama.

Out of interest, why are you so interested in their triggers ?

[Jennylove]

People with BPD are more predictable than nones. In that a lot of their  behaviour is almost systematic, such as triangulation and gas lighting etc... .So they share similar triggers. One trigger is if anyone takes the limelight away from them - such as your ad. Two being, if anyone conflicts with their inner script i.e. they want you two sisters not to get on, so you are more dependant on the mother, so you are less likely to leave. It is often documented that if a scapegoat fails, they tend to get a better reaction from their BPD mom, than if they succeed. Because the latter doesn't fit with the BPD inner dialogue.

BPD biggest trigger tends to be abandonment. So Wendy's excellent point about drama triangles, again is A typical behaviour to get attention back, to split people apart. A BPD is in their element when there's drama.

Out of interest, why are you so interested in their triggers ?

They definetely react with failures. Anytime I succeed or get a promotion,  and if I talk about it to them, I can feel the tension coming from them to the point where I stop talking. I never understood this because most parents are thrilled to see their offspring do well in life.

Why am I trying to figure out their triggers? It's certainly not to trigger them more. In fact, our relationship is toast without any chance of recovery. I'm trying to put the pieces of my life together that they took away. And if I understand why or what always triggered them, maybe it'll help me move forward more.

[Jennylove]

I'm also trying to figure out which one is BP or if they both are. My SM is a jealous type and often she acts like she's better than people. She's also very superficial and places too much emphasis on looks. Let's just say she body shames me at every chance, usually passive-aggressively. It's always about her, her needs, her wants. She's whiny, too. In fact, her nickname as a child was "W. Wah Wah."  And apparently her 1st grade teacher used to give her detentions even if she wasn't doing anything wrong, the teachers rationale  was, "W. was the ring leader."  I'm telling you these things because I think it's significant info about her character  even though she was only a kid.

My dad is always offended and quick to rage. He likes being in control and he doesn't fight fair. He used to hit my mom in their marriage, but he's always treated my SM like she's gold.

I can't figure them out.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Jennylove,

Have you ever read the book Understanding the Borderline Mother? I know it's about a mom, but just as easily you can substitute Dad for Mom in the book. There's a whole section about the type of spouses that the BPD typically marries. I thought you might find some increased understanding in that section in particular to answer your thought:

My dad is always offended and quick to rage. He likes being in control and he doesn't fight fair. He used to hit my mom in their marriage, but he's always treated my SM like she's gold.
I can't figure them out. 

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

I found it helpful to try to figure my parents out for a couple of reasons. One is that it helped to figure myself out- what behaviors did I grow up with that felt "normal" in context of my FOO that were actually dysfunctional? This helped me to identify behaviors I wanted to change.

I also looked at the whole family in context of the family dynamics. This helped to not take their behaviors as personally. I used to feel hurt by them, but often I realize their behaviors reflected their own issues and were not likely to be personal to me.

My mother has BPD, so her behaviors had an explanation. I often wondered "why did my father do that?". I saw him as the "normal" one compared to my mother, but learning more about romantic relationships I realized he too had to have learned or acquired dysfunction in order to choose/stay with her and participate in their dynamics.

Beyond this - the information gained from looking at my parents and extended family was mainly useful when applying it to what I could do. They will do what they do and I can't control them. I can only control myself and my reactions. The drama triangle was a very helpful model. Before, I would jump into the drama without knowing it. I would eventually feel hurt " how could he do this to me?" . It wasn't about me but the drama between them.

I don't think we can fully understand a relationship between two people from the outside. Some of that will always be a mystery and not our business to know, but knowing the patterns of dysfunction in our families can help us learn to change our patterns.

[HappyChappy]

Anytime I succeed or get a promotion,  and if I talk about it to them, I can feel the tension coming from them to the point where I stop talking. I never understood this because most parents are thrilled to see their offspring do well in life.

Sounds like you were the scapegoat and your sister was the golden child (GC), in what is termed triangulation. This is simply done as a means of control. So with the scapegoat its "treat them mean and keep them keen.". If a child has a Personality disorder (PD) they are more likely to be the GC. So its nothing personal and nothing you could have done anything about, the BPD puts these labels on us from birth. A GC is encouraged to have a sense of entitlement and jealousy is encouraged between the two, divide and conquer style.

In terms of figuring out who has a PD in your family, probably the strongest trait is a lack of empathy, in that very few other conditions have this. Someone with ADHD or Autism may have week empathy, but they also have other strong traites, so its  hard to confuse. Someone with a PD has none. C-PTSD and Bi-polar share some attributes with BPD (Mood swings etc) but importantly empathy is present. The other big attribute is acceptance. The only one of the afore mentioned conditions where the sufferer is extremely likely to deny anything is wrong with themselves, is a PD. Just to confuse matters, BPD is often co-morbid with some other mental health issue and with most mental health issues its on a spectrum. So I expect that clears everything up. The behaviour you mention sounds very BPD, and dealing with the behaviour is what matters, and better coping with it yourself. You don't need a diagnosis for that.