Who is the real pwBPD?

[pav_bhaji_bun]

Last Thursday, I triggered my partner by dismissing her last name - I didn't realize it was such a sore point because of family history, etc. She chewed me out in the work parking lot, giving me the middle finger, saying 'f you' and bringing up personal details about my sexual preferences. I was mortified.

I didn't take it well and made up my mind to go NC yesterday. I stopped responding to her calls... .for a solid 5 minutes. We then had a 3 hour conversation and have reconciled.

But in the mean time she threatened to hurt herself, and so I pulled in two of her friends. Now I feel like I was over dramatic. I feel crazy. Did I break up with someone because of one incident? Did I pull in all of those friends just for nothing? I feel like ___. I have been apologizing for hurting her. I feel confused.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Don't be hard on yourself.  These are tough situations.  Anything you've done, I can tell you I've probably done dozens of times.  You're here, asking for help.  You should be proud of yourself for taking that huge step.  It shows that you are deliberate and thoughtful about doing as well as possible in this relationship.

How long have you been together?
Has anything like this happened before?
Can you tell us the details about her threatening to hurt herself?

When our pwBPD threaten to hurt themselves, it can be very scary for us.  Asking others for help is a reasonable, responsible thing to do.  Many of us have done the exact same thing, then been made to feel guilty about it by our persons with BPD (pwBPD).  They can feel intense shame, and this inclusion of others can feel shaming, but that doesn't mean that you reaching out to others in the name of safety was wrong.

WW

[pav_bhaji_bun]

- We've been together 18 months
- She has hit herself and threatened to cut herself before

I know that her fear of abandonment is huge for her, and I used it against her - by saying we'll go No Contact since she violated my boundary so much. I was furious at myself and wanted to defend myself, and ended up hurting her. I feel like I've just manipulated her. If what she wants out of a relationship is to be able to yell at each other, then who am I to say no to that? She can go have that with someone else, no?

[Radcliff]

It's helpful to fill in the details so we can better understand the situation.  Are you saying that in the parking lot you said you'd go "no contact?"  How much later after that did she start calling you?  I'm now re-reading and wonder if there was a few days between the parking lot argument and the NC decision.  Can you spell out the timeline of the last name thing, the parking lot, the NC decision and when you communicated it, and when after that she started calling?

We can walk you through what you might have done if you were a total wizard, and what you can do next.

May I ask, how old is each of you?

WW