What do you expect from your T?

[Depression = 72% of members]

As the title suggests, I think it could be useful to pool experiences for finding a good T.

What are you looking for in a T? What do you expect to get from a session with a T?

How long did it take you to find a T that suits you?

What signals made you decide a T is or is not right for you?

Many of us on here are struggling with reading our own needs and feelings correctly.
How can we avoid that these struggles interfere with our search for a good T?

[Libra]

As the title suggests, I think it could be useful to pool experiences for finding a good T.

What are you looking for in a T? What do you expect to get from a session with a T?

How long did it take you to find a T that suits you?

What signals made you decide a T is or is not right for you?

Many of us on here are struggling with reading our own needs and feelings correctly.
How can we avoid that these struggles interfere with our search for a good T?

[Snoopy737]

Hi Libra, I actually took 1½ hour of my time giving you my view on a great deal of those questions, and you didn't even reply, so I don't understand why you open a new post? all best Snoopy

[Libra]

Hi Snoopy,

I am very sorry, I should have specified: it is exactly your response that got me thinking.   
As my previous post was very long and emotional and touched on many different subjects, I thought it might be useful to start a new thread focusing solely on choosing a T.

You made some very good points: A T should make you feel good about yourself, and it shouldn’t have to feel like a mind game. A T should also be someone you like.

My current T also works with pwBPD who have been been admitted, so he should know how to communicate with them. His approach is very rational, whilst my own responses are mainly emotionally-driven. But maybe this is good, because he can teach me new tools and approaches?

As for trying a different T – it is not so easy to find a licensed T with spare time on his/her hands for new clients. Also, I would prefer not to have to start explaining everything from scratch again with a new T.

I will certainly reply to your previous post, but I need some time to churn it over first. It’s not something I like doing during a break at work (which is where I am at the moment).

Thank you,
Libra.

[Harri]

Hi Libra.  It is good to see you back here. 

What are you looking for in a T? What do you expect to get from a session with a T?

I look for honesty and someone who is capable of seeing me without their own biases getting in the way.  I want someone with a direct manner but who can also be compassionate while smacking me upside the head with the truth.  I expect to be pushed outside of my comfort zone and to have help looking at certain things with new eyes, a different perspective and hopefully, walk out (eventually) with new and improved coping and communication skills.

I do not expect to walk out of a therapy session feeling better.  Rather, I expect the opposite if I am doing this correctly and if my T is working in my best interests.  If I wanted a feel good counselor where I walk out of a session feeling better I would get a life coach or a counselor rather than a therapist.  The fact is, my issues, both my own and those of my FOO require more and are not the kind of problems that the bandaid from a cheerleading session is going to help.  The wounds are deep and painful.  It is going to hurt and be hard.

I read your other thread and I can understand your confusion and frustration when you say you walk out feeling worse about yourself.  Do you speak up and tell him what you are feeling?  I don't think your T is trying to make you feel bad about yourself.  Rather, it sounds like he is challenging you and in the process he is pushing some buttons and getting into territories that scare you.  That is what a T is supposed to do while providing a safe and supportive environment.  From my perspective, pushing you is a good thing.  No one expects you to start setting boundaries and feel good about it right off the bat.  No one expects you to feel comfortable acting in new ways with a person you have usually done your best to avoid pissing off all your life (and BTW, how well does *that* work?   ).  Certainly not in 5 sessions. 

Therapy is a long game.  Just like anything else, you will feel off kilter, unstable and maybe even more upset with things when you start **but over time** things get better as you learn to look at things with new eyes, as you begin to feel empowered and as you begin to shed useless self-limiting beliefs and behaviors.

That is what therapy is all about.   From what you wrote on your other thread, I like what your T is saying and working on with you.  I am not you though and I am not in the room.  So next session?  Tell him you feel uncomfortable with some of what he is recommending.  Tell him how you feel at the thought of establishing boundaries and how the thought of saying certain things makes you feel.  This is very important stuff so ee where it goes.

Therapy is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  The pay off is long term.   
 

[sklamath]

I look for honesty and someone who is capable of seeing me without their own biases getting in the way.  I want someone with a direct manner but who can also be compassionate while smacking me upside the head with the truth.  I expect to be pushed outside of my comfort zone and to have help looking at certain things with new eyes, a different perspective and hopefully, walk out (eventually) with new and improved coping and communication skills.

This summarizes well what my expectations of therapy are. I expect it to be uncomfortable in ways that promote self-discovery and growth.

I hope I’m not hijacking this thread, but I have been thinking about reasonable expectations regarding the structure, time management, and professionalism of a T during a therapy session.

I have seen several different Ts over the years for depression, anxiety, and sports performance, and this is the first time I’ve had cause for concern. Punctuality is important to me, and I expect the session to start and end on time, with a minimal amount of small talk when each session begins before we get into the hard stuff. Instead, current T (who works from a home office), is still fishing for files in the next room when I arrive, then stays on small talk/tangential questions around small talk too long before we really get going. T is easy to talk to and knowledgable about BPD, but talks a lot, doesn’t watch the clock, sometimes steps out to tend to something on the stove in the kitchen (what the heck?), lets the session run over (though I have said multiple times I want to end on time), and then I am charged for the overage. I had even paid in advance of the session to be really clear about my intention to end on time, only to get told at the end, “We went 15 minutes over, so that will be another $X.” I told T that I was very frustrated with the poor time management of our sessions when I have indicated before that I want our sessions to end on time, and T said “it’s a shared responsibility” to end on time. Does this sound right? Is simply letting the clock run without a heads up (and no clock in the room that I can see) even ethical?

This is very different from any T I have seen in the past, where I have been discouraged from watching the clock and the T takes the lead in giving cues that we are nearing the end, summarizing the work of that day, and ending on time. I don’t want to end therapy altogether, and it sucks to think about starting over with someone new, but I’m feeling that I need to terminate this particular relationship.

[Harri]

Hi.

I would be frustrated to have to deal with my T not keeping track of time (totally *her* responsibility) waiting while she tended to dinner (what?) chatting about inane stuff (*I* do it all the time, but my T only lets me get away with it for about a minute, if that.  We do have 'wind down' after a particularly intense session so she can assess how I am doing but that it different).  I don't mind starting late (unless I have to be somewhere right after) *as long as the time is made up at the end*, but that is me. 

I drew in a sharp breath when I read that she said time management is a shared responsibility and that she actually charged you for the overtime.  No.  Just No.  Every time I ask how much time we have left my T will tell me, but then says it is for her to worry about not me.

Your T seems to have some warped ideas on what being a T means.  I know finding a new one is a drag but maybe in this case it is worth it?

I'm so sorry she is doing this.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think what one person needs in a therapist can be a personal matter. 

There have been times in my life where I did need more hand holding support because I was in such crisis and not strong enough to withstand much and needed to build my ego strength. 

I have had many types of therapists over the years.  Some were more helpful than others.  Some were helpful for a moment in time but not going to get me to the other side of my deeper issues.

Lately I am doing very well and delving deep with one proficient in trauma and modalities for trauma such as EMDR, brainspotting, etc.

Personality wise I am particular.  What I like is not for everyone.  I prefer someone to be professional and keep their opinions to themself good and bad... .and not validate me.  I don’t want a buddy in life or an ally or a friend.  I want to self reflect, not be provided solutions but challenged on my thinking and provide me suggestions for alternative ways of looking at something.

I personally respect more direct communications and getting quicker to the point as fast as my mind will allow but not slowing me down with their own stuff... .and good boundaries.

I also tend to be more logical minded/left brained and get on with men better than women.

[sklamath]

Thanks, Harri. when T first said time management was a shared responsibility, I thought... .um, I suppose? But the more I thought about how every other T has managed the time... .or massage therapists, personal trainers, coaches, or anyone else billing for a predetermined amont of time? No, this is kinda weird.

I will post back on how it goes ending the T relationship—and finding a new one.

[Libra]

Sklamath, how will you go about ending the T relationship? I wish you good luck in finding a new T that suits you.

Sunflower, yes, I can imagine different phases of processing require different kinds of T. I keep wondering though, how do you discern what is the right kind of T for any phase? Since what you need to work on is not you field of expertise, how can one judge if a T is good at/with it?

Harri, I think you described my T almost to a tee The only thing he is lacking of - in my experience - is compassion. But I think you are right: T is supposed to make you feel uncomfortable and make you think about yourself and your interactions with others. And you are also right that I need to speak up more during T. Mostly though I can only verbalize these feelings and thoughts after a lot of post-session thinking. I will try to write them down before my next session, or they will be drowned out by new thoughts and feelings.

I am going to quote notwendy from another thread, because I think it sums up my current state of mind far better than I could ever put in words:

I understand how you are feeling- as if you are not supported. I went to counseling to learn to deal with my parents, and then also to 12 step co-dependency groups. I had hoped to feel supported, after all, I was the "victim" of abuse on the part of my parents. However, instead of consoling me, both the counselor and my 12 step sponsor and the group turned the mirror on me. They pointed out my role in the dysfunction and how I was interacting on the drama triangle with my parents and adding to the dysfunction by my own reactions.
I felt hurt and angry and not supported. It didn't seem fair. My mother's behaviors were over the top and I am a nice person. I don't behave like her.

Thank you again for reading and sharing,
Libra.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sunflower, yes, I can imagine different phases of processing require different kinds of T. I keep wondering though, how do you discern what is the right kind of T for any phase? Since what you need to work on is not you field of expertise, how can one judge if a T is good at/with it?

Been in therapy on/off since I was 5. 
So... .

You don’t know exactly.

Sometimes you interview a therapist, or several and pick who is the best fit of them all.  It is somewhat chance and discernment mixed.

Sometimes you get a referral that T4 has done great things with your bff anxiety issues so you take a referral... .and hope for the best.

You do not sit down and imagine for yourself the “perfect” therapist that you need and go hunting for it.  You will end up hugely disappointed.

My thought process to find my last therapist was... .
1. I needed a male, no compromise about this.
2. I heard about the benefits of EMDR and wanted this

After that... .
It was a vibe I got from the mans website and upon a 15 min interview.

Nothing was certain.

I was gonna have to simply trust after that.

I can always fire him if things don’t go well.
I can ask him for a referral.  Sometimes referrals after you already started with someone are very good because they may know of a colleague who deals well with your issues... .or they may refer you to who their fav T is who they would send their own family to.

Often... .
A T I found was mediocre, however, if I was in crisis... .was not time to be picky.  I stayed until I felt they had nothing left to offer me, then moved on.

[Sunfl0wer]

Are you stuck in a place of paralysis of analysis?

What options have you persued so far?

Share with us their “resumes” so we can help guid you.

[Harri]

Hi again.  Compassion is an important part of therapy.  My T does not show a whole lot as I have made it clear that it does not help me... .I would get too worried about making other people worry or upsetting them or making them feel uncomfortable.  I always knew she cared though and she was willing to put in the work with me.  I asked her outright when we first began if she wanted to work with me or felt she had to (prior to seeing her, I was seen by a -doc student doing a fellowship there.  My current T was his supervisor so there was a pretty big history for her to fall back on with me).

I think writing notes down after your sessions and then talking about them the following session is a great idea.  You might see a different sort of response from your T when you do review previous sessions without dealing with the immediate emotions related to the topic.  Try it out and see what happens.  I also found it helpful because I would forget what we talked about or I would block out some of the big stuff, so writing it down helped with that too.

RE: what you quoted from Notwendy, I understand.  It is not easy and does not seem fair to be sitting in the chair talking to a T when the real problem is our family member.  Here I am going to remind you of what you wrote in your second response in this thread:

His approach is very rational, whilst my own responses are mainly emotionally-driven. But maybe this is good, because he can teach me new tools and approaches?

Yes.  It is good to have a different way of thinking presented to balance out yours (ours). 

Another aspect of notwendy's posts talks about feeling supported.  My idea of what support in therapy or here on the boards is has changed over the years.  I've come to see it as accepting me while calling me on my own stuff.  I expect it in therapy.  Okay, now I am just repeating myself.

 

[Libra]

Are you stuck in a place of paralysis of analysis?
What options have you persued so far?
Share with us their “resumes” so we can help guid you.

Sunfl0wer, paralysis of analysis could be my middle name.   I can easily get stuck in an endless loop of if – then – else logic (maybe my IT-background is working against me here).
I think I simply have to give it some time. I will have to come to accept that my mother is who she is, and if I want to keep contact with her, it will take a lot of effort from my side. It still amazes me that any relationship should take so much effort, and that makes me question whether it is actually worth the effort. But that effort will also teach me new things about myself. In the long run, it will enable me to positively reinforce my interactions with others as well, so I should approach this positively and embrace the effort it will take…. I’m still  working on that 

My idea of what support in therapy or here on the boards is has changed over the years. I've come to see it as accepting me while calling me on my own stuff. I expect it in therapy. Okay, now I am just repeating myself.

Harri, yes. I understand this (yay!). My first post was pure venting. And then waiting for comfort and validation. I needed to hear that I was right, not what I could possibly be doing to improve the situation. I have now come to understand that this board offers much more. It guides you to essential tools you should/could be using to better your own situation, whilst also showing you that many are going through the same struggles. We are not alone, and we are not going crazy. That means a lot. And indeed, the same goes for therapy.

Repetition is often a good thing. Some of us are hard of hearing. 

[Sunfl0wer]

At work so fast reply... .

There is more to therapy then simply “behaving better.”

Personally I have unwired lots of faulty wiring of past trauma via EMDR and similar modalities.

With my trauma therapist I have covered way more in terms of healing in the past year than I did in the collective years since 5yrs old -40yrs old.

EMDR is awesome!  Having a therapist who trains it even more awesome... .I got lucky that my guy actually is proficient with my rare mental illness.  Not sure what I did in life to deserve that... but I gotta relax/work to accept that... and accept the ok-ness of it.

So I began my search for this guy asking around when it occurred to me... .
Happened to ask at my primary doc office and found him on a list of providers for referral from them.