BPD-Ex keeps attacking me emotionally, I want to make things work, Please.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone, my name is nparis and I am a teenager who 4 months ago had their first breakup with someone with BPD. We had dated for near 8 months and had become extremely close and honestly I saw a lot in her that was very special and she had seen a lot in me. Earlier, I had thought about trying to fix the relationship and attempt to go back to the way we were by easing into a friendship, then not pushing it either way and letting things happen as they had before if she wanted them to. This past week had filled me with a lot of hope and a lot of resentment from my ex. My ex, S (F/NB), and I had begun to be a bit less cold to each other and during the week hung out for a bit alone on Wednesday at a mutual event of sorts, and Thursday at an after school club with a ton of our very close friends. On Friday, we decided to go to a restaurant with a few others, and as soon as S got there we hit it off extremely well with no reliance on past memories. Flawlessly we talked for 50 minutes only to each other, just like old times. However, when we got back to my house things began to change. We smoked a bit and as they got high and just remained alongside me longer at my house I saw them change. At one point even, they leaned their head against my shoulder for a bit, and it seemed like we were good friends once again. However, after the high set in, as I lay comfortably on the couch with my feet on the table, they laid curled next to the armrest of the other end of the couch with their back turned to me. In contrast, with my friends B (M) and C (F/NB) they were much more relaxed and comfortable and on top of them or leaning on their shoulders and digging the friendly vibe. They started insulting being high and acted as if it was overrated and they were better than it. Then came the comments of "I was going to say something mean about you but now I'm not going to" they started talking about how they "want to roast everyone in the room except for like B" except the only person besides him was me and C and they held no resentment towards C as they are a quirky yet amazingly sweet person. Soon it became whatever I talked about they decided was bad. I listen to music alone, they saw it's weird and insult our similar music taste. I talk about a fun game, they call it repetitive and dumb. I add to the discussion on an opinion they mention and I agree with them and want to add support to their argument, and they say " Stop talking before I say something to you that I'm going to regret." I have two regrets from that night, when they talked about how they were a b**** when they were high extensively, I was like yeah no offense but you're kind of being a c*** and then I repeatedly apologized 10x but they didn't care about what I said. The only thing I said that actually annoyed them was that they said "Remember how I used to have filter, yeah that's gone now" I responded ":)id you ever really have a filter?" They responded "OK" in a very offended and annoyed tone. The most insulting thing they did to me was that I had asked them for a hug, cause I was high and I love hugs with friends and those close to me and she said No. I totally respected her boundaries and was like ok that's cool, but I feel like a lot of that was out of spite and a lot was to make me feel uncomfortable and make it seem like we can't be friends, like a lot of the other things she pulled to push me away. The next day, I randomly got invited by my other friend A to come hang out with C and B so she wouldn't third wheel, on a whim I agreed and our friend A showed up, we had a nice time and hung out and it was great, we even livestreamed a bit of it for fun, which S tuned in to. This morning she msged me asking why I had not even thought about inviting her. I told her that I was only invited last minute so A2 wouldn't third wheel. S then responded saying that she shouldn't have asked me and that she would just forget it. For some reason, instead of going after my friends for not inviting her, she immediately blames me even though she could see we were at C's house. Tonight, she got together B, C, and A and then invited A3 and sent a picture of them all hanging out to me, which A agreed seemed very spiteful and mean, In return I sent a picture of A and I. I saw a video of her on someones story with all my friends and her bragging about a scholarship contest in the area she had one and for some reason it made me very angry and I don't know why, originally she hadn't gotten to me and I hadn't cared. Now I realized she really was trying to hurt me and is trying basically to win over my friends on purpose. I don't get why she can't allow us to all be friends. I love and care about her as a person and as a friend. Earlier this week I was asking on this forum about how I could possibly be in a close possibly romantic relationship far in the future, but it seems like S wants to make this a war between us. I don't want to fight her for control of our friends, I want to help and support her and be kind and be there for her. I don't get why S will never accept one of the many chance I have given her, despite my parents, brother, friends, and adults labeling the relationship as emotional abusive and toxic. I still want to help her and I still see the good in her that she had provided me. I want to be her friend and to help her, because she's posted about how she has been crying so much so often and about how as summer is approaching she's about to see a return of her intrusive anxieties and summertime depression. I don't think all of this is because of me, but last summer she had overcame these problems and forgotten them as we were growing closer as friends and a bit into the summer even started dating. I see hope in her and God knows I would be willing to do whatever it takes to make things work. I don't care that I am basically a man returning to the whipping post. The good that we provided each other through a relationship was amazing and so special and it worked so well for so long. We had showed each other parts of ourselves we'd never shown anybody else. Instead this summer now she just worries I'm trying to take our mutual friends and she harbors greater and greater resentment for me. I want to love her and be her friend and to try to help her. Please, if anybody knows how I can make her see that I'm not an evil manipulative jerk please tell me. At the very least I want to be friends again and I would love to be close or even get things back to how they were. I miss what I saw in her and what she had seen in me. I need help because everyone tells me she's now toxic and awful, but I'm willing to forget her mistakes and to see her for who she was and who she can be. I hope it makes sense why I still care and want to go back. Please, I'm begging you, help me. She's torn my heart apart both knowingly and unknowingly and I can't take seeing either of us like this. Please give me advice on what to do, I want to spend time with her but she keeps trying to hurt me and I don't know why. Please.

[nparis17]

Hello everyone, my name is nparis and I am a teenager who 4 months ago had their first breakup with someone with BPD. We had dated for near 8 months and had become extremely close and honestly I saw a lot in her that was very special and she had seen a lot in me. Earlier, I had thought about trying to fix the relationship and attempt to go back to the way we were by easing into a friendship, then not pushing it either way and letting things happen as they had before if she wanted them to. This past week had filled me with a lot of hope and a lot of resentment from my ex. My ex, S (F/NB), and I had begun to be a bit less cold to each other and during the week hung out for a bit alone on Wednesday at a mutual event of sorts, and Thursday at an after school club with a ton of our very close friends. On Friday, we decided to go to a restaurant with a few others, and as soon as S got there we hit it off extremely well with no reliance on past memories. Flawlessly we talked for 50 minutes only to each other, just like old times. However, when we got back to my house things began to change. We smoked a bit and as they got high and just remained alongside me longer at my house I saw them change. At one point even, they leaned their head against my shoulder for a bit, and it seemed like we were good friends once again. However, after the high set in, as I lay comfortably on the couch with my feet on the table, they laid curled next to the armrest of the other end of the couch with their back turned to me. In contrast, with my friends B (M) and C (F/NB) they were much more relaxed and comfortable and on top of them or leaning on their shoulders and digging the friendly vibe. They started insulting being high and acted as if it was overrated and they were better than it. Then came the comments of "I was going to say something mean about you but now I'm not going to" they started talking about how they "want to roast everyone in the room except for like B" except the only person besides him was me and C and they held no resentment towards C as they are a quirky yet amazingly sweet person. Soon it became whatever I talked about they decided was bad. I listen to music alone, they saw it's weird and insult our similar music taste. I talk about a fun game, they call it repetitive and dumb. I add to the discussion on an opinion they mention and I agree with them and want to add support to their argument, and they say " Stop talking before I say something to you that I'm going to regret." I have two regrets from that night, when they talked about how they were a b**** when they were high extensively, I was like yeah no offense but you're kind of being a c*** and then I repeatedly apologized 10x but they didn't care about what I said. The only thing I said that actually annoyed them was that they said "Remember how I used to have filter, yeah that's gone now" I responded ":)id you ever really have a filter?" They responded "OK" in a very offended and annoyed tone. The most insulting thing they did to me was that I had asked them for a hug, cause I was high and I love hugs with friends and those close to me and she said No. I totally respected her boundaries and was like ok that's cool, but I feel like a lot of that was out of spite and a lot was to make me feel uncomfortable and make it seem like we can't be friends, like a lot of the other things she pulled to push me away. The next day, I randomly got invited by my other friend A to come hang out with C and B so she wouldn't third wheel, on a whim I agreed and our friend A showed up, we had a nice time and hung out and it was great, we even livestreamed a bit of it for fun, which S tuned in to. This morning she msged me asking why I had not even thought about inviting her. I told her that I was only invited last minute so A2 wouldn't third wheel. S then responded saying that she shouldn't have asked me and that she would just forget it. For some reason, instead of going after my friends for not inviting her, she immediately blames me even though she could see we were at C's house. Tonight, she got together B, C, and A and then invited A3 and sent a picture of them all hanging out to me, which A agreed seemed very spiteful and mean, In return I sent a picture of A and I. I saw a video of her on someones story with all my friends and her bragging about a scholarship contest in the area she had one and for some reason it made me very angry and I don't know why, originally she hadn't gotten to me and I hadn't cared. Now I realized she really was trying to hurt me and is trying basically to win over my friends on purpose. I don't get why she can't allow us to all be friends. I love and care about her as a person and as a friend. Earlier this week I was asking on this forum about how I could possibly be in a close possibly romantic relationship far in the future, but it seems like S wants to make this a war between us. I don't want to fight her for control of our friends, I want to help and support her and be kind and be there for her. I don't get why S will never accept one of the many chance I have given her, despite my parents, brother, friends, and adults labeling the relationship as emotional abusive and toxic. I still want to help her and I still see the good in her that she had provided me. I want to be her friend and to help her, because she's posted about how she has been crying so much so often and about how as summer is approaching she's about to see a return of her intrusive anxieties and summertime depression. I don't think all of this is because of me, but last summer she had overcame these problems and forgotten them as we were growing closer as friends and a bit into the summer even started dating. I see hope in her and God knows I would be willing to do whatever it takes to make things work. I don't care that I am basically a man returning to the whipping post. The good that we provided each other through a relationship was amazing and so special and it worked so well for so long. We had showed each other parts of ourselves we'd never shown anybody else. Instead this summer now she just worries I'm trying to take our mutual friends and she harbors greater and greater resentment for me. I want to love her and be her friend and to try to help her. Please, if anybody knows how I can make her see that I'm not an evil manipulative jerk please tell me. At the very least I want to be friends again and I would love to be close or even get things back to how they were. I miss what I saw in her and what she had seen in me. I need help because everyone tells me she's now toxic and awful, but I'm willing to forget her mistakes and to see her for who she was and who she can be. I hope it makes sense why I still care and want to go back. Please, I'm begging you, help me. She's torn my heart apart both knowingly and unknowingly and I can't take seeing either of us like this. Please give me advice on what to do, I want to spend time with her but she keeps trying to hurt me and I don't know why. Please.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi again nparis17,

I'm reading this pretty quickly, but my first thought is to consider letting go of the idea that you have any control over what another person thinks of you. Be yourself, be kind, be fair, be a force for good in the world, be all you can be, but don't hang any part of your self on what others think. She may like you one day, and not the next. You need to be strong, stable and secure no matter what anyone else does or does not do. I know this because I have had to do this. I sometimes hear pretty awful things from my SO, it is not common, but when it came recently it was an avalanche. I can like at that pile and shrug it off because I know none of it is true. The only part that matters is how I respond to it. I will not accept being verbally abused. I don't have all the answers or solutions in life, but I will not be abused.

So, you want to maintain a friendship with someone who has strong emotional issues? The best thing I can advise is start with the basics, but work with some of the communication tools here. It will serve you well for the rest of your life if you make this a disciplined practice. This is not about pleasing anyone else though, okay? This is about you looking at yourself, holding yourself to high personal standards, learning from your mistakes as they happen, and trying again. But this is for you. It has to be for you. It is nice to have compassion and support others, but it is very true that not all people can be in our life, not matter how much we may love them. They are on their own path. We can support, but not at such a great cost to ourselves that we are martyrs. Okay?

with the warmest wishes to you today! and some extra hugs too:  

~pearl.

p.s. Hopefully others will join us here also and share their thoughts and insights!

p.s.s. putting paragraphs in your post could make it a bit easier to process/follow what you are saying friend!

[pearlsw]

Hi nparis17,

Wanted to check in and see how you are doing?

take care, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Hey I would like to echo Pearl, and mention that spacing out your paragraphs will help tremendously. Sadly I kept getting lost trying to follow the story.