Daughter-in-law with personality disorder traits

[roberta lynn]

My daughter in law may has displayed traits of one with a personality disorder.  We go in and out of good and bad seasons.  She is now giving me the cold shoulder for no apparent reason.  Ignoring messages, etc.
Should I just 'lovingly' ignore her silent treatment, making no attempts to find out what is bothering her?  If and when she contacts me I'll be calm and loving.  Don't understand whats going on, other than there always needs to be some drama with her... .  perhaps it's just my time for her to be mad at.  Any suggestions would be helpful.  Thank you

[once removed]

hi roberta lynn and

how old is your daughter in law?

was there anything in particular that led to this bad season?

what are the primary sources of conflict between the two of you?

[formflier]

I want to join once removed in welcoming you to these boards.

Certainly we'll have many more questions to help guide you with your difficult relationship, but as a general statement, if someone has decided it's better to not speak to you... ."believe them".  Pushing for answers often will drive them further away.

How long do the "seasons" last.  When they are over... is there ever a reason or explanation?  (even if it doesn't make sense)

What is your "best guess" about what she is mad about?  Does the same issue come up again and again?

Look to the right of your screen at "BPD family connections"... click on that and do some reading.  If you come across stuff that doesn't make sense... or perhaps seems counter-intuitive... .please post your questions here.

Looking forward to hearing from you again... .I'm sure we can help!   

FF

[Turkish]

Should I just 'lovingly' ignore her silent treatment, making no attempts to find out what is bothering her?

This is the catch-22 for people with traits of BPD.  If you ignore too much,  then she may feel like you don't care.  If you "pursue" her too much,  it might trigger her shame, and pwBPD people with BPD at their core feel worthless and undeserving of love. It's counter intuitive, but that might be invalidating to her.  I saw it with my ex and also my mother.  While they pushed me away,  they at the same time desperately wanted attention.  This is an enigma of BPD. 

I'm also curious if you have any idea of what triggered this,  or any,  episode. 

One of the most basic tools here is SET (Support, Empathy, Truth):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I believe you when you say that you are loving. My view is that most of us here are exactly that.  When dealing with a person who is emotionally raw to the extent that they exhibit BPD behaviors,  the tools we know and are familiar with may not work in all cases to the extent to which is familiar.  Take a look and tell us what you think.

Where is your son in all of this?

Your thread was moved from the child board to here.  The Family Connections link which formflier mentioned is in the right margin here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211514.0

Most of the info dealing with pwBPD is common in the lessons and suggested reading (at the top of this board) on most of the boards. 

Turkish