Ghosted 3 months ago - now we shall meet and talk - help

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been an emotional wreck since my boyfriend ghosted me 3 months ago without explanation.
Finally he replied to my Contact efforts, very short talk but we are going to meet tomorrow for a short talk irl.
Now I am scared. I know I will fall as soon as I see him. But it was supposed to be closure. And he will probably not want me anymore, so is this to hurt me or to be fair and give me my closure? Or is there a possibility that we go back together that probably will ruin my Life. all self esteem is gone with the wind.

Relationship 3 years
We both have a kid from earlier relation and we dont live together

Problems during the relation: he was afraid to be betrayed: not much anger, no violence but manipulation by adding guilt and playing victim, extreme jealousy, emotion storms. He had other problems as stress, insomnia, ocd too.
Fantastic: the talks, the intimacy, the feeling of us being soul mates and very romantic perfect pure magic, could just sit and look at him for ever and smile, the attraction, the sex, the teenage feeling of love, the love, the Dreams... you know.

He had lot of trust issues with me. Every time we had an argument he brought up Everything he thougt I have done during our relationship against him as having lunch with male colleagues, acting flirty in bars, touching men, but these was through his eyes, the reality was very different.  These things he discussed over and over again. In the last weeks he talked more than ever about them.  So I Think that was the main thing behind the discard or ghosting.

The thing is, we have talked about never breaking the communicaiton and he knew I really suffered if he used silence treatment which happened... .when he was a bit angry with me. Ghosting is the worst thing anyone had done to me. It is torture.

So. He felt hurt and I was a wreck from the roller coaster as well. And he talked about this roller coaster, that he did not Think he could take it much more. '(Well why do you Always start talking about these things AGAIN when we are fine I thought)
 I tried to prove my love and loyalty.  He started to withdraw a Little bit. Said he had to get better and we should taking it easy.
During this time I had a personal loss, a closed one died. After the funeral, he was upset for I did not text him that day. But he did not text me neither and I was sad for that too- Anyway he wrote something angry about now I must take the consequences of my behaviour.  And then he was like gone. He wrote we could have a talk later, but when I asked when or if this was a break up he did not answer. I phoned, visited, wrote but he was silent. From everyday Contact to no Contact.
I was crushed. Cried and panicked. Talked to close one ones that said I had to accept and leave and never look back because the years had been toxic with manipulaiton.I was also in sorrow.
 
I wondered if I was crazy. I felt so much guilt. For he had talked for year about what I did and I just thought he over reacted.
Was I  a narcissist or a an emotional abuser as he has hinted? Did I never listen, did I never respect him? Was I not to trust? did I do wrong? I never should have had that work dinner and so on. I should not have talked to that man. And so on. And if we were so magic and right, how could he suddenly not Contact me at all? From being so worried after hours of silence, or being jealous, how could he not care anymore? I even called my ex. And said please, what was my worst traits, and he did not mention these. And I asked him and my best friends if I could be said to be flirty, ego, unreliable and so on. And they wondered what I was talking about cause I am the totally different person, the helping maybe eager to please and would never hurt anyone and so on. And I knew that but still, I was desperate searching for reasons why he did this.

I stalked social, looked at photos, Went to therapy, could not stop thinking about him for more then a few minutes. I could not listen to Music without Crying. I tried to move on. Think its for the best. Why destroy myself over someone that dont bother to break up with me at least? But I could not get closure. I understood that maybe we were not perfect, cause how many times did I actually locked myself in the office rest rooms to write and cry when he was jealous and I thought he was leaving me.
How many nights did we write and discuss and I was Always the bad person that hurt him´.

I could just not get over it. I wanted closure or an explanation. I was equally sad every week. First it got a bit better but when he suddenly appeared on social media as happy and got Contact with new Girls, I was crusched again. It all started over.

anyway. We live so close so it felt impossible not to get any answers.
So when a social event is coming closer where we might meet, I wrote again, for like 7 or 8;th time, that I was sorry for Everything that happened and asked if we could talk. And now he finally answered. He said he felt so ill so he had to break all Contact to get well.
He said we could meet for a quick talk and we are supposed to meet tomorrow for a short moment. But he did not want any discussions and arguments, just calm talk.

And now I am really nervous about it-
My heart wants him, I have strong feelings and attraction and feel like my Life is worthless without him.
But I know I shoudl not get in the relationship again. This is my closure talk.
But when I Heard his voice . It felt like Before.
My god how will this end.

I want to know what happened. I need to hear that he does not love me. I need to know there is no future. I need to tell him I can not be with anyone that does not talk to me, in a relationship you should solve things together. He maybe has met somebody else.
But my heart wants to hold him, to be with him.
I dont Think thats what he wants. If so, he could have answered Before.
So I am going to get closure but still hoping to get something else.

Is it possilbe that this is a game for him? That he wants to see how hurt I am because I deserve it.
Could it be that he will draw me back just to later discard me again?
Or is he being human and giving me my closure now?
What should I do, should I back out or go with a strong mindset of NOT trying to get him back?
Will I feel bad again after meeting him. Just talking over phone made me cry after him afterwards but still I was calmer today, cause the ghosting is horrible.
Is it a bad idea?

Someone told me to see an ex Before you got over him is like smoking Another cigarette when quit smoking. It all starts over.

I have never been this caught up in anyone Before, and I do not trust myself. I am scared to be more hurt. But I really need this closure. 

[WomanSweptAway]

I have been an emotional wreck since my boyfriend ghosted me 3 months ago without explanation.
Finally he replied to my Contact efforts, very short talk but we are going to meet tomorrow for a short talk irl.
Now I am scared. I know I will fall as soon as I see him. But it was supposed to be closure. And he will probably not want me anymore, so is this to hurt me or to be fair and give me my closure? Or is there a possibility that we go back together that probably will ruin my Life. all self esteem is gone with the wind.

Relationship 3 years
We both have a kid from earlier relation and we dont live together

Problems during the relation: he was afraid to be betrayed: not much anger, no violence but manipulation by adding guilt and playing victim, extreme jealousy, emotion storms. He had other problems as stress, insomnia, ocd too.
Fantastic: the talks, the intimacy, the feeling of us being soul mates and very romantic perfect pure magic, could just sit and look at him for ever and smile, the attraction, the sex, the teenage feeling of love, the love, the Dreams... you know.

He had lot of trust issues with me. Every time we had an argument he brought up Everything he thougt I have done during our relationship against him as having lunch with male colleagues, acting flirty in bars, touching men, but these was through his eyes, the reality was very different.  These things he discussed over and over again. In the last weeks he talked more than ever about them.  So I Think that was the main thing behind the discard or ghosting.

The thing is, we have talked about never breaking the communicaiton and he knew I really suffered if he used silence treatment which happened... .when he was a bit angry with me. Ghosting is the worst thing anyone had done to me. It is torture.

So. He felt hurt and I was a wreck from the roller coaster as well. And he talked about this roller coaster, that he did not Think he could take it much more. '(Well why do you Always start talking about these things AGAIN when we are fine I thought)
 I tried to prove my love and loyalty.  He started to withdraw a Little bit. Said he had to get better and we should taking it easy.
During this time I had a personal loss, a closed one died. After the funeral, he was upset for I did not text him that day. But he did not text me neither and I was sad for that too- Anyway he wrote something angry about now I must take the consequences of my behaviour.  And then he was like gone. He wrote we could have a talk later, but when I asked when or if this was a break up he did not answer. I phoned, visited, wrote but he was silent. From everyday Contact to no Contact.
I was crushed. Cried and panicked. Talked to close one ones that said I had to accept and leave and never look back because the years had been toxic with manipulaiton.I was also in sorrow.
 
I wondered if I was crazy. I felt so much guilt. For he had talked for year about what I did and I just thought he over reacted.
Was I  a narcissist or a an emotional abuser as he has hinted? Did I never listen, did I never respect him? Was I not to trust? did I do wrong? I never should have had that work dinner and so on. I should not have talked to that man. And so on. And if we were so magic and right, how could he suddenly not Contact me at all? From being so worried after hours of silence, or being jealous, how could he not care anymore? I even called my ex. And said please, what was my worst traits, and he did not mention these. And I asked him and my best friends if I could be said to be flirty, ego, unreliable and so on. And they wondered what I was talking about cause I am the totally different person, the helping maybe eager to please and would never hurt anyone and so on. And I knew that but still, I was desperate searching for reasons why he did this.

I stalked social, looked at photos, Went to therapy, could not stop thinking about him for more then a few minutes. I could not listen to Music without Crying. I tried to move on. Think its for the best. Why destroy myself over someone that dont bother to break up with me at least? But I could not get closure. I understood that maybe we were not perfect, cause how many times did I actually locked myself in the office rest rooms to write and cry when he was jealous and I thought he was leaving me.
How many nights did we write and discuss and I was Always the bad person that hurt him´.

I could just not get over it. I wanted closure or an explanation. I was equally sad every week. First it got a bit better but when he suddenly appeared on social media as happy and got Contact with new Girls, I was crusched again. It all started over.

anyway. We live so close so it felt impossible not to get any answers.
So when a social event is coming closer where we might meet, I wrote again, for like 7 or 8;th time, that I was sorry for Everything that happened and asked if we could talk. And now he finally answered. He said he felt so ill so he had to break all Contact to get well.
He said we could meet for a quick talk and we are supposed to meet tomorrow for a short moment. But he did not want any discussions and arguments, just calm talk.

And now I am really nervous about it-
My heart wants him, I have strong feelings and attraction and feel like my Life is worthless without him.
But I know I shoudl not get in the relationship again. This is my closure talk.
But when I Heard his voice . It felt like Before.
My god how will this end.

I want to know what happened. I need to hear that he does not love me. I need to know there is no future. I need to tell him I can not be with anyone that does not talk to me, in a relationship you should solve things together. He maybe has met somebody else.
But my heart wants to hold him, to be with him.
I dont Think thats what he wants. If so, he could have answered Before.
So I am going to get closure but still hoping to get something else.

Is it possilbe that this is a game for him? That he wants to see how hurt I am because I deserve it.
Could it be that he will draw me back just to later discard me again?
Or is he being human and giving me my closure now?
What should I do, should I back out or go with a strong mindset of NOT trying to get him back?
Will I feel bad again after meeting him. Just talking over phone made me cry after him afterwards but still I was calmer today, cause the ghosting is horrible.
Is it a bad idea?

Someone told me to see an ex Before you got over him is like smoking Another cigarette when quit smoking. It all starts over.

I have never been this caught up in anyone Before, and I do not trust myself. I am scared to be more hurt. But I really need this closure. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi WomanSweptAway,

Welcome to the site  

I'm sorry to hear of the turmoil you're going through right now.  I am glad you found us.  We can understand how you are feeling here, as many of us have felt (or still feel) this way about our ex partner.  It's so difficult feeling torn by the love for the person we know yet also not wanting any further repeats of the dysfunction in the r/s.  I'm able to relate to a lot of your story, as will others I'm sure.    

The behaviour around discard is extremely painful to deal with and so many come here feeling desperate for closure.  Unfortunately, this is not the same as a regular breakup, and hoping to get closure from meeting with him when you feel as strongly as you do is unlikely to make you feel any better in that respect.  I'd urge you to think carefully about what you hope to achieve from meeting with him before you commit to doing so.  It's important that you set yourself a clear expectation.  

It's widely shared here that if it is closure we seek it's advisable to reach a point of acceptance that this is going to have to come from ourselves.  I know this may not be what you want to hear, but feel it is only fair to give it to you straight, as the proximity of this meet up is so close and if you go ahead it is wise to do so with your eyes open.  You've been through a lot of pain and the call was very upsetting for you, so be sure you want to put yourself through this.  If it is healing you seek, do you believe this will help or hinder that?  Maybe you could postpone the meeting for another day, so that you can take some time to read the reliable articles here, and involve yourself in other threads to gain some further information before reaching a decision.

Something to think about for you.  If he is willing to rekindle the relationship, knowing what you do about the impact on you of his behaviour towards you during the r/s and the ghosting as he left you, would you want to give the r/s another try?

We are here for you whatever you decide    

Love and light x  

[Skip]

So when a social event is coming closer where we might meet, I wrote again, for like 7 or 8;th time, that I was sorry for Everything that happened and asked if we could talk. And now he finally answered. He said he felt so ill so he had to break all Contact to get well.
He said we could meet for a quick talk and we are supposed to meet tomorrow for a short moment. But he did not want any discussions and arguments, just calm talk.

All complexities aside, the goal of this meeting should be to be fun and have a light catch-up on interesting things and leave on a positive note. You can call a few days later have a short phone call.

If you try to accomplish closure, or a reason why he left, or does he love you, or anything complicated, this will not go well.

First meet-up after a break need to be light, short, cute.

Be the best you can be.   

[WomanSweptAway]

Yes I believe it will be painful. But as we really did not break up, he just disappeared I seem to return to that awful ending, if it was an ending.

I think the right thing would be to agree on break-up but I also need to hear why he want it, and say why I think relationship is not working. But we live close and Will meet, and if he kept ghosting and change direction if we meet it would be so hard. So I think a talk is necessary.

But true-the problem is my strong feelings for him.
I will have hope... but I dont think he has.

And I Will feel loss and grief after, but maybe not the panic and confusion caused by silent treatment/ghosting.

Should I confess my feelings? I do have strong feelings for you and I really wished this would have worked out, but it did not.

We were friends first. How I want to keep him as a friend but how can I with all my feelings.
If he has a new girlfriend. How to handle that. Well at least I for sure Will know that big soul mate love was an illusion. Cause now I still have a small gut feeling he is the one. But on the other hand. How can anyone break all contact with your meant-to-be person.
So I sort of have my answer.

[pearlsw]

Hi WomanSweptAway,

Take a look again at the advice Skip is giving you here.

If you try to have a BIG talk, and I know how hard it is to fight the urge to do that, you will likely not get the results you are looking for. The emotions will be too much for him.

Again, as he suggests, "light, short, cute." If you can do that, then perhaps you'll get to those other conversations and have a chance to solve the mysteries. I know how painful it is when someone is suddenly gone and you have no idea why or what to do.

with compassion, pearl.

[WomanSweptAway]

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it and I can feel that you know what you are talking about... .I am glad I found this site.

I will take it easy. I will listen and just be friendly, make sure we can meet and talk about peaceful things.
This will make me calmer also, just to have a calm and friendly conversation. Instead of ghosting. Yes maybe the conversation will continue another day.

I hope he can open up and break up if that is what he wants. I hope I can say that sadly it was not working but I really really liked him and wished it would have worked. But I wont bring those things up. But as I said. I still have deep feelings for him.

Well he postponed the talk but I just said it was OK and I will not try to speed up things.

   

[Skip]

Perfect response!

[WomanSweptAway]

Perfect response!

Well... .I got a text later. He wrote he could not cope with a turbulent relation now, else he could not get well/healthy.  He was sad about it and maybe we could be friends later on, but not now.

I cried but wrote that I understood and accepted. That I also was sad and hoped for us to be friends.

But inside me. I dont want this to happen. I dont want this to be true. This is pure heartbreak. I dont want to spend my Life without him. I dont like myself anymore and I am feeling such guilt for Everything that has caused this. Even if I know much of the things were in his mind. But oh how i wished I could turn back time and do it all again but different.

He is so wise. He leaves a relationship despite feelings cause he has to. I could never have done that.
Now I have lost him. Now I can not be angry with him or blame the circumstances. The ghosting was horrible yes.  But this was just honest.

This is the first time someone has had this effect on me. It felt from the start that I could not be happy without him, I needed him to feel calm and want to do things. When we were having downs I could not function.

So this is heartbreak.
How can I stop myself from texting and begging him for a second chance?

Thanks for being out there.

[Sirnut]

Hello Womansweptaway

Thanks for posting your story. I was touched by it because I’ve been ghosted too not long ago. I know how much it hurts and I reacted in a similar way as you did, and I asked the same questions.

You are getting some good advice here from people who are wiser and more experienced than I am, so I don’t want to say anything to complicate that. You’ve come to the right place.

When this happened to me I didn’t know about BPD, but the best advice I received was to be patient, to say as little as needed to keep the communication lines open, and don’t pressure the other person. Sadly I failed to follow that advice, I couldn’t resist the urge to seek resolution, and it turned out to be counterproductive. These things are hard but maybe there’s a lesson there.

On the plus side for you, at least your partner showed you enough respect to give a reason for what happened. That’s something, and it’s more than I ever got. If I were you I would value that and give it some time.

[WomanSweptAway]

Hello Womansweptaway

Thanks for posting your story. I was touched by it because I’ve been ghosted too not long ago. I know how much it hurts and I reacted in a similar way as you did, and I asked the same questions.

You are getting some good advice here from people who are wiser and more experienced than I am, so I don’t want to say anything to complicate that. You’ve come to the right place.

When this happened to me I didn’t know about BPD, but the best advice I received was to be patient, to say as little as needed to keep the communication lines open, and don’t pressure the other person. Sadly I failed to follow that advice, I couldn’t resist the urge to seek resolution, and it turned out to be counterproductive. These things are hard but maybe there’s a lesson there.

On the plus side for you, at least your partner showed you enough respect to give a reason for what happened. That’s something, and it’s more than I ever got. If I were you I would value that and give it some time.

Thanks. I am sorry for you too. Yes love can hurt sometimes.
As I wrote he broke up yesterday, so I have to respect it but it feels impossible. I just want to make sure at least he knows I have feelings and want to solve things, but it will be up to him in that case.
But maybe that is to go to far.

I try to Think as someone said, about the ghosting for several months, just because someone is sitting in a wheelchair it is not ok to drive over you on the road.
I know maybe he could not do anything else, and I could forgive that perhaps, but would I not Always be scared that it would happen again? That is the thing I cling on to, to be able to moving on. But truth? I would do what ever it takes to be with him.

[Skip]

Ghosting is brutal. It really messes with our minds. It is becoming more and more popular in society.

As for your relationship, in some ways, things have progressed. He communicated with you. It was respectful both ways. You are in a much better position today then last week.

Is it over? It's hard to say... .I always like to put this things in percentages as it keeps me from being black and white. Last week it was 1%:99% likelihood of recovery. After your communication, its probably 15%:85%.

I don't know if that helps. It does help me. 

[WomanSweptAway]

Ghosting is brutal. It really messes with our minds. It is becoming more and more popular in society.

As for your relationship, in some ways, things have progressed. He communicated with you. It was respectful both ways. You are in a much better position today then last week.

Is it over? It's hard to say... .I always like to put this things in percentages as it keeps me from being black and white. Last week it was 1%:99% likelihood of recovery. After your communication, its probably 15%:85%.

I don't know if that helps. It does help me. 

Thanks! Is it good to keep hope? I dont know. I search for hope. But could it be that I will get stuck in this anxiety and waiting? If he is clear on breaking up, what happens to me if I keep hoping and he has already moved forward? I am scared that I destroy myself.

Right now everything he said I did wrong is sweeping over me and because I feel this anxiety I feel what I Think he felt and I feel like I wanna puke... .for what I have done to destroy the relationship. But I have been talking to therapist and friends and they say these are not bad things I did, but if someone has those glasses on to search for evidence for your illoyalty Everything can be perceived as evidence. And I never had bad intentions.  But now I like regret Everything I did. I should not have talked to these persons etc. I feel like I have ruined my relationship.

So I will maybe ask him about chances or should I be silent now and see if he writes more?

He dont Think he can handle seeing me. Maybe one day we can be friends, but not the nearest months he wrote.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi WSA,

My advice would be not to ask anything.  He has stated what he wants, which is to focus on himself, and what that means for you is that you find yourself further forwards in your understanding and free to focus on yourself also.  Whether you become friends again in the future or not, putting the emphasis on you now will pay dividends. 

I Will feel loss and grief after, but maybe not the panic and confusion caused by silent treatment/ghosting.

How do you feel now about being without him in your life for the immediate future?  What emotions are coming up for you?

Love and light x

[Orange94]

Wow please please email me. Your story sounds so similar to mine. Mine would literally punish me with the silent treatment which he knew I hated. Looking back, my now ex and I went on one date and then he ghosted me for 3 months and god I wish I wouldn't have given him a second chance. He started stalking me on social and reached out apologetically, but didn't have much of a legit explanation. We started dating, he swept me off my feet, texted me everyday, sent me messages on instagram, sent me selfies, sent me songs... .everything. I became addicted to that level of communication even though before this relationship I would find that excessive and annoying. We were together for about a year, he started becoming distant and I tried to fix it, but he had his own issues. I also had mine, I became clingy because I was addicted to the excessive compliments/bombardment of communication he gave me at the start (during the idealization phase). He eventually broke up with me, super traumatically, and cut off all contact. Before this he called me abusive... .which I internalized and started wondering if I was or if I somehow was a narcissist, but no... .BPD people project. My now ex has a lot of personal growth to do and for him its easier to just block me out of his life. He's blocked me on all social media and haven't heard from him in 2 months. I wanted so badly to contact him and apologize for anything I've done wrong, I wanted closure so badly but any closure this man would give me and that your ex will give you will only hurt you more. Don't blame yourself for his flaws, even if he projects them onto you. Work on yourself and your own personal growth, be compassionate to yourself and love yourself. With these guys they like control and don't really feel remorse. They control when you will talk, how much, and so on... .even if you think its requited because you're texting them a lot it's because THEY allow you to do that. It's all about control. I don't think meeting him will help at all. He has work he needs to do on himself, so does my ex.

[Orange94]

Don't be with someone who can literally walk away with no remorse. Mine did it to me twice, ghosting is a horrible horrible way to deal with issues and shows a serious lack of respect for you as a human being. Yes, intense emotions from questions are probably a lot for some people with BPD to handle, but its part of adulthood. They are unable to give you an adult conversation, they flee. Then they do it again and again when they get stressed and you're so trained to avoid this you walk on eggshells. It's no fun and its devetating.

[WomanSweptAway]

Don't be with someone who can literally walk away with no remorse. Mine did it to me twice, ghosting is a horrible horrible way to deal with issues and shows a serious lack of respect for you as a human being. Yes, intense emotions from questions are probably a lot for some people with BPD to handle, but its part of adulthood. They are unable to give you an adult conversation, they flee. Then they do it again and again when they get stressed and you're so trained to avoid this you walk on eggshells. It's no fun and its devetating.

Thanks.

My mind goes between thinking that he had a lot of problems to fix so it was almost impossible to have a relationship for him and that is why he never trusted me and got so jealous so he needed to ghost me... .but then my mind desperate tries to find WhAT could I have done, WHY did I do this and that, did I destroy the best man I ever met and how on Earth did I not see I did it? Was it my fault, then I actually was as bad person as he said, have I denied that to myself?
But no matter what.
If you have promised each other not to break Contact, how angry you are and so on, because he asked me to promise that, we must never ever cut the Communication... .and then he does it. For almost 3 months. Reading my desperate messages but still does not answer. Then they probably either dont care and want to punish the other person, or they are struggling with their emotions so they must save themself.
But if so. when they feel better and show it in social media, would they not start answering you then?

I may not understand how troubled they can feel, so no judging here, but I know how the torture in the other end feels. And I will never do this to anyone myself. And I could probably not ever feel safe with him again. It was too long time.
 
At least I got an answer now.Panic is gone. sorrow is awful. I just want to be able to love him, to see him and hold him,  It feels hard to go from a loved person to a person of no value or no interest - when my own heart is overflowing with love and appreciation and hope. I saw my future with this person. I was sad about that I had not shared his past. I would have wanted to see him as a Child, teenager, I wanted to be that first wife, I wanted to have the history, and the future.
But I  also start sensing a feeling of have beeing treated bad. Not for being left. You cant control anyones feelings, But for the way things happened.

 

[gilac]

If you have promised each other not to break Contact, how angry you are and so on, because he asked me to promise that, we must never ever cut the Communication... .and then he does it.
 

same old story... ."you are my friend before anything", "we will remain friends", "promise me you don't break any contact ever", "no matter what will happen, I will always be there for you"... .aaaaaaand they break everything and are gone for good.

once you're painted black, they become cold blooded, and it's always the same: you're always guilty that you will cheat, break contact and similar... .yet, they always do that and jump directly into another relationship

the whole relationship with a BPD is a big lie, I don't get how we end attached to them after all the things they do to us overnight

[WomanSweptAway]

same old story... .

the whole relationship with a BPD is a big lie, I don't get how we end attached to them after all the things they do to us overnight

Ah... maybe because we cant change feelings/quit loving so quickly?
Because we have more time with good stuff than bad?
Or because trauma Bond?
I dont know. I Still am in denial maybe.

My stomach aches when you write they go into new relationships immediately. That was one of the things I noticed when we first were just friends, he told some of his pass, and I thought oh he goes from one relationship straight to another... .lucky me not to be with him... .
Well one year later I was...

Oh how can I see him with a new without breaking?

[Harley Quinn]

Whilst it's true that this can be a common occurrence, not all pwBPD go straight into other r/s's.  BPD is a spectrum disorder and all sufferers are unique individuals.  Don't torture yourself with something you aren't aware has happened, or will happen.  You're hurting enough already. 

Right now, it's vital that you are kind to yourself and tend to those wounds.  As you said, you are no longer panicked.  Now you can attend to the process of detaching and healing.  This takes time and isn't easy.  We are here for you along the way.  I'd encourage you to involve yourself in other discussions and to take a look at the Lessons and Articles, as I found that learning all I could helped me to gain perspective.  There is a lot of support here and others who understand what you're going through.  You're in good company, so keep posting. 

Love and light x

[gilac]

My stomach aches when you write they go into new relationships immediately. That was one of the things I noticed when we first were just friends, he told some of his pass, and I thought oh he goes from one relationship straight to another... .lucky me not to be with him... .
Well one year later I was...

Same here... .Same here... .

Reality always hits me whenever I read some words here that were exactly what I went trough, every single word.

[WomanSweptAway]

Whilst it's true that this can be a common occurrence, not all pwBPD go straight into other r/s's.  BPD is a spectrum disorder and all sufferers are unique individuals.  Don't torture yourself with something you aren't aware has happened, or will happen.  You're hurting enough already. 

Right now, it's vital that you are kind to yourself and tend to those wounds.  As you said, you are no longer panicked.  Now you can attend to the process of detaching and healing.  This takes time and isn't easy.  We are here for you along the way.  I'd encourage you to involve yourself in other discussions and to take a look at the Lessons and Articles, as I found that learning all I could helped me to gain perspective.  There is a lot of support here and others who understand what you're going through.  You're in good company, so keep posting. 

Love and light x

Thanks❤️I have read a lot here.
It is helping. Really.
Painful but no panic. I can still not believe how someone ao close, your closest person, could do it.
First I tried to think he loved me a lot and could not cope with the jealousy but that was not helpful for me. It was just bitter sweet and SAS and I wanted to change the outcome.
Now I realise he did not love as I did. I think he needed my love for him. And this could not or did not want to have my best in mind. Indtead of being happy for me when something Good happened, he saw it did not happen to him and saw it as a threat, that he could be seem as leas or be abandoned. Not that he was mean but he jus TV-pjäs bot in the end. Why else not support me in my other grief.

So this wonderful man could not be wonderful to me. And I could love him to the Moon and back but it did not help. I am really hurt and in pain and life is not fun, it is Boring without that edge of difficult love. Nothing else seemed important. Our love was the only thing, and I could not understand how people could spend Time on everyday life useless things as gardening, the meaning was intense love (after many years in my previois dead relationship ).
I hope I learn to appreciate harmony. I try mindfulness.
But I miss that feeling, the edge, the ache. You do not have energy to be upmin the blue every day.

So, the acceptance That he abandoned me, his feelings changed quick and I am out of his mind- it is hurtful but I have no hope left. And that may be my way forward. I Will mourn now.
I Will try to forgice myself and try to see all things he Said about me is not truw.  The lies he think I told when I Said the truth-is my evidence for it.

I Will continue here too, learning and understanding more and then helping others can help.
Noone deserves to be abandoned without answers, noone deserves to loose love in a week.

I have one struggle ... .we live too close. He must drive pass my garden every Time he leaves his home.
Should i love?
It is difficult not to look at social media also but he is seldom posting stuff.
To be remindes brings a lot of feelings back.
I heard his voice and Flashback hit me and it was crying Time again.

[WomanSweptAway]

Same here... .Same here... .

Reality always hits me whenever I read some words here that were exactly what I went trough, every single word.

Do you feel guilt or regret sometimes of things you did, even if they were just normal things, just because if not... they maybe would not have suspected you to do things and you might would have been together still?

I struggle with some regets but as Time goes by I see more and more clear that What I did was not the problem, it was the glasses he used to look at me through.
But still - The guilt is still here and that is like a wet heavy blanket on me.
One day at the time!