When you really realize.

[TStar]

Grappling with the recent revelation that my mother was uBPD. She was obviously angry and alcoholic, but ther was just more to it than that. That there is a language and a set of tools available has been a profound wake up and a relief.
I've never felt able to articulate it properly. Even to the supportive family members who helped me escape it, and maintained a life line my whole life (40 now FYI, but not surprisingly feeling 4 sometimes).
I've tried to name or quantify the negative experiences that I had growing up with a few specific stories to friends my whole life, which people can understand are terrible, but felt as though they were really relatively empty. Compounded by the intentional gaslighting of these personalities, it is a very effective multi -edged sword.
Realizing the patterns and linguistics of this abuse has been both empowering and lowering at the same time.
I finally have validation, understanding, and language.
And I know how big the mountain is. I'm not making a mountain out of a mole hill. The suffering is real.
It's being minimized and dismissed by society has helped / caused me to minimize and dismiss it to myself. The lie is easy to buy, its all we've ever been sold. The joy and release of realization is mitigated by the view of how steep the hill to climb is.
I've created a beautiful life, if an underachieving one, and have managed to build myself a lovely relationship. I am a part of a deeply beautiful community of loving people, and am so grateful.
I, not surprisingly, struggle to feel worthy, give too much, apologize often, have a hard time asking for help, but give no matter what.
Right now, in this deepest moment of surrender and crisis to this realization, I FEEL LIKE I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO ASK FOR HELP. Every part of this is so hard to describe. Only people who've dealt with BPD or NPD, have any understanding of it at all. It is impossible to describe. It usually only makes one look crazy or unreasonable. The fact that we are emotional about it discredits its believability, it exhibits behind closed doors, it makes you doubt yourself and so others doubt you. It's crazy making.
My  beloved closest family would be broken hearted. And they are struggling to live and deal with rheumatoid arthritis, heart problems and old age. I don't know how to fathom asking them for help, not to mention how much of my reselient, amazing, wonderful construct of reality I'd have to surrender. Or they'd have to surrender.
How does one become completely vulnerable to those who need you to be the strongest?
I have an extensive and deeply commited and loving community of friends too. We are all helping a member of our community pass away from a brain tumor. It's all hands on deck with meals and love and massage and... .
It's that intense because he left his BPD partner of 10 years only a few weeks after his diagnosis. She is BPD too, which opened up a whole can of worms and spilled the beans for me in regards to my mothers BPD. I don't really feel that I can reach out to a community dealing with life and death issues right now (hosting his whole family, hospicing, cooking, cleaning, handling legal paperwork), for what most might percieve as a barely valid,  BPD mommy issue.
I am just trying to keep my head above water, but I keep realizing that the water keeps getting deeper!
Struggling to keep it together, move forward, cook, clean, shower. Crying often, mildly obsessively watching you tube videos about it, and continuing to hug and laugh.
I'm interested in actionable suggestions and stories about when you realized, deeply, what was going on and how you got through that.
Thank you!

[Panda39]

Hi TStar,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm coming at BPD from a different angle my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) but I can totally relate to not having the language to describe what I was seeing regarding her behaviors particularly how she treated her daughters.

Some of the behaviors can blatant but others are subtle and hard to explain to others.

Not getting her daughter with a toothache to the dentist for 3 months! I just kept asking why would she do that?  Who puts there kid through 3 months of pain!... .the word for this was "neglect".

Who has their children go through their father's things, phone text messages, even the contents of the refrigerator, and report that back to them? ... .the word for this "parental alienation"

What mother uses FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) on their children to get them to do what they want?... .the word for this "emotional blackmail"

I had never seen anything like I was seeing so I had a learning curve and you have seen it, lived it but it was most likely presented to you as normal behaviors... .it is a twisting of things, manipulation, dysfunction.  It sounds like your gut had it right, but it is so hard to talk about something that is so subtle or that others haven't experienced so don't understand.

I'm here to tell you that what you experienced was real and you aren't alone, everyone here will relate to your experience.  That was something that surprised me when I first arrived here... .how much we all have in common.

You've landed in a great place for support, tools, and ideas to improve things, everyone "gets it".

I'm so glad you have joined us, it's always good to add a new voice into the mix. 

Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome TStar! 

Sounds like you may be in step #1 to the right hand side of our board. ------>> >>  Anything you click on will open up into a larger window. What do you think about step 1? Hang in there! We are all here for you and will support you and be great listeners. Others who do not come from a family with a BPD parent may try to understand, but unless you've been there, no one has a clue of all that we've gone through. My mom was also an uBPD. I think the first discoveries can bring huge relief but also an overwhelming sense of the impact upon your life.

The best suggestion I can give you is that this isn't a race to try and recover from. It is a journey, and perfection isn't the outcome. Each step of discovery for you is a step to healing. How often I've mentioned to my safe group of support people that I've had to go back before I could go forward. It's okay. It's hard, it's healing and it is worth it to become more free from the way we learned to believe.

I have two great books that I highly recommend for you:

Surviving a Borderline Parent

Missing: Coming to Terms with a Borderline Mother

The first one is very helpful to show you some of the effects of having a pwBPD. The second book will probably help you with the process. It's written by a daughter of a BPDm.

 
Wools

[lovelyj]

I just wanted to say thank you for your post... It helps so much having ones to relate to and see that others suffer with a similar pain. I feel so alienated at times because it’s hard to explain how complex it’s been growing up with an uBPD mother.

6 years ago when my now husband and I started dating he brought to my attention some disturbing behaviors of my mother. He suggested I get into therapy because of my struggling and through many times talking it over with my therapist I finally started seeing clarity of how my mom really was. I went through a lot of emotions and it was difficult but I started to feel like I could take care of myself and I felt a little better.

Today I feel as if I’m experiencing the pain and realization all over again as I have a new baby and it’s triggering painful memories from childhood. It’s been difficult as I feel all my progress has been erased and I feel I’m relearning everything all over again.

I remember being 5 years old riding my bike and I fell into some kind of thorn bush and my entire leg was cut and bleeding badly. I raced home went into the house crying and went up to my mom. She screamed at me to get away from her because she couldn’t stand the sight of blood she would pass out. I went on to try as best as I could to clean it up myself. These kinds of things happened all the time and so now as an adult I feel it’s so difficult to ask for help. I’m new to this site and it’s even difficult for me to post on here as I feel I am being overly sensitive and just need to take care of things myself. But now with a 9 month old I see just how helpess children are and it Wasn’t right for my mom to treat me as she did. I’m slowly trying to learn it’s ok to take care of myself.

[Woolspinner2000]

lovelyj,

I think it's so great that you were encouraged by your DH to start T. Are you still going? Don't be afraid to pop back in for a while. New experiences in life such as having a baby will often trigger some things that we haven't dealt with yet. Remember it's a journey with new things along the way. I'm so thankful that you are able to comprehend

it Wasn’t right for my mom to treat me as she did

For me to have reached that place took me quite a bit of time in T as well. It's a huge realization and another layer to your healing.

 
Wools