Hi Kermit and
I believe that my mother has an undiagnosed BPD. I have acted like her best friend my whole life. I need her approval for everything.
I doubt your mother has treated you like a "best friend", or even like a friend. You have served as her emotional crutch all your life. And she needs you to continue to function as you have, this is why she demands your obedience and seeks to control you.
There are too many issues to write about, but my major upset is when she 'goes off on me' then 'cuts me off' until I basically beg for her forgiveness and agree that I am a major problem in her life.
You see, people with BPD (pwBPD) are unable to regulate (moderate) their own emotions. And on top of that, they have dysfunctional emotions to boot. So whenever your mother is feeling badly about something (perhaps of her own doing), she *projects* these deficiencies onto a willing participant. She "goes off" on whomever she projects on and demands that the other person seeks her "forgiveness" for what is essentially her own problem. Her imagining that you are the "major problem in her life" is just another example of this kind of delusional thinking. She does have a problem in her life, she just chooses to believe other people are the source of it.
This situation happens about twice a year and can last for about 2-4 months. During this time my siblings stay away from me or 'don't want to get in the middle of the drama' (because when I'm on the outs they are on the ins) and my dad avoids me because I am causing conflict with my mom (which is bad for him too).
All family members of pwBPD learn through trial and error what is the path of least resistance or least pain. Obsequiousness and avoidance are tried and true coping methods. If the "black sheep" of the family becomes unavailable then someone else will be appointed the "black sheep." This motivates everyone in the dysfunction family to pressure the "black sheep" into maintaining the order of things. Everyone, is in effect, requiring the "black sheep" to be their emotional sacrificial scapegoat.
Basically I become isolated from everyone and I spend most of my time worrying, wondering, ruminating over the situation. I hate this because it makes me less present with my children, makes me more short tempered, messes with my marriage because I just can't seem to get over it.
This family dynamic is difficult to get over because you have been conditioned to accept it most of your life. In some ways you have tried to avoid it perhaps by some of the choices you have made in your immediate family. In other ways, unconscious ways, you still carry the wounds of past wrongs that persist in how you continue interacting with your extended family, perhaps to this day.
It is not easy to antidote decades of emotional conditioning. But it is worth while because eventually you can be free to have the kind of family you choose for yourself.
... .and have been working on boundaries. Which included:
-less contact (I decided 1 phone call weekly and 1 on weekend-- used to be everyday multiple times a day)
-Visiting every couple of weeks, She wants every week... .
-not over sharing or asking for too much advice without being prepare for negatives and criticisms.
But this has not worked yet. She harasses me almost every conversation.
You cannot control what your mother does or does not do. You cannot make her choose to stop harassing you. You can, however, choose to what behaviors you do or do not expose yourself. For example, if she chooses to harass you. You do not have to maintain contact. You do NOT have to visit at all. You do not have to share ANYTHING you do not wish to share. If she offers unsolicited advice or criticisms, you can hang up the phone or walk away from the conversation.
This may mean that you have to do things that you have been conditioned to feel guilty about. You may need to be "rude" or "inconsiderate" but you are only doing this in order to be considerate and protective of yourself. You may need to learn how to cope with your own feelings of guilt, fear or obligation in order to cultivate your own good mental health.
Where am I? Why am I doing this too her? What's wrong with me? Not so much in a 'I care about you' way but more of a 'pissed off because your not doing what I want you too way'
It is hard to hear from someone you love that they feel as though you are hurting them. You will need to consider that how she feels is more a product of her own disorder which she chooses not to address, than anything to do with how you are treating her. You must put your own emotional needs ahead of your mothers; I have no doubt your priorities have been the reverse for almost all of your life.
When she cuts me off I can't cope with it. It seems like the meanest thing. I have been the perfect child for her, but it don't matter how good I am I still get the wrath.
When she cuts you off, she is hurting you. It does not "seem" like the meanest thing, it IS the meanest thing she could do at that time. In the past you have done your best to be the perfect child for her, because before it was a matter of surviving in your family that you maintain this illusion that her feelings where within your control. It is common, for children, to believe that horrible situations outside of their control are own their fault because, in a child's mind, it is better to believe something is their fault than to face the horror that they are in a situation that is wholly beyond their control. It was better then to believe that you were not being a sufficiently "perfect child" than to cope with the reality that your mother is mentally ill.
For some of your family members, they choose to continue to believe this nonsense and will defend to the death their matriarch's delusions than to face the reality that mom is terribly sick in the head.
Fortunately, you are no longer a child. But you still need to deal with the wounds that you suffered as a child. And it will be helpful to limit your exposure to the kinds of antics that continue add salt to those wounds.
You cannot avoid your mother's wrath because she has chosen to make you the receptacle of her disordered emotions which she does not know how to deal with herself.
Lately she says:
"you have a mental illness and always have had something wrong about you... "
"how could you do this to your sweet little kids. Keeping them from their grandmother. I have rights to them."
"You are never happy unless everyone's life is upside down."
Basically this is her admission that she is *projecting* her own (unconscious) fears about herself onto you. She is the one who has a mental illness. And she should be ashamed at how she has treated (and continues to treat) her sweet little kids all their lives. She no more owns you than she owns her own grandchildren -- unless you willingly give them to her as you give yourself.
Whenever she is unhappy, she turns everyone's lives upside down.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes,
Schwing
