Just lost: My undiagnosed Aspergers and her BPD.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am literally just lost and confused. Sorry this will get a little detailed and I’m a poor writer to top it off. I’m kind of stuck on how to proceed from here.  First off I’ve been married to my wife with BPD for about 5 years dated before that so have known her for a total of about 7 years. We have two childeren together. When we first met everything was great maybe even too good, obviously in hindsight I was in idealization phase. This phase lasted a good year or so, she became pregnant and this is when the stuff started to hit the fan. She had been diagnosed with depression and I was aware of that.  Of course me knowing nothing about BPD and her to my assumption not even aware of the diagnosis herself yet, she got away with blaming her erratic behavior on the pregnancy hormones this of course seemed believable as they always say pregnancy and the additional hormones can create imbalances and effects everyone different. We proceeded to get married and the erratic behavior continued, and was blamed on post pardum depression.

This behavior varies sometimes it’s a month or more between episodes sometimes it’s a every couple days for a few weeks, then returns to erratic occasions once every few months that last a week or two overall again. In general though a lot of our issues go unresolved and I feel this complicates things, it seems solutions to our problems can’t be resolved because it becomes a blame game and trying to come up with real resolutions and clarity on the issues never happens.  Obviously the common problems exist here, never taking responsibility for actions, always blaming others, threats of suicide, threats of divorce it’s basically when we have certain issues there’s a lot of stubbornness and inflexible happens initially on her part. It’s as I’m suppose to take it as is and what is, I really do feel as if I’m arguing or trying to problem solve with a child sometimes. I do understand that emotional immaturity is part of the diagnosis. It’s sort of weird though because I feel like my wife is rigid and a lot of things go unresolved, but if I’m really rigid on something it does seem like even though it’s going to be hell for a bit she’ll usually compromise and make sure that I guess she’s technically not crossing my boundaries.

So a little about me, I was raised on high morals and standards. So high in fact that I don’t follow all of them. Of course family is always a high priority and some people may see my stances on certain issues as old school but I’ll perhaps get into some of that later. I’ve also never really had a normal romantic relationship either. Usually ends badly with me taken advantage of then if course it ends. I suppose I’ve always had a lack of confidence and the last relationships have made me somewhat insecure. Truth is I also probably have undiagnosed aspegers. Basically I suck at body language and communicating with people, also makes me narrow focused but highly into my focus. Probably why I’m not good at writing but can do ridiculous math in my head. Her she basically had a screwed up childhood, parents didn’t really care for her and became other families responsibility. She talks about being abused but really never opens up to what actually happened. I feel because of both of our issues we both can have problems communicating. I mean obviously I’m usually the flexible one, and the caretaker in the relationship but if boundaries get pushed I do become inflexible.

So let’s get into some more specifics and examples. For example she exhibits characteristics of selfishness and inconsideration, really she can’t be inconvenienced at all or is erratic if asked to do anything other than exist sometimes. Scenario so we can be driving somewhere and wife can be on phone playing games then I ask her to GPS something, she gets all erratic because she can’t continue to play games. She usually says well I have a headache, and I’d point out she was just in her phone and I need it cause I’m driving. This of course flips her out more and is basically WW3 stuff. I’ll literally have to pull over and do it myself. To me this is straight ridiculous we have two kids in the car and she simply can’t just help out the family? And it leads to at least a day of fighting. However when we get where we were going there’s a good chance that her actress mode is turned on and she’s all bubly and charismatic around other people even though it was rage mode right before, the rage mode once we leave again. Like dang thought you were better but guess not. Similar situations have ocurred over U turns this becomes means for a huge argument and rage because the wasted 10seconds of wrong direction travel and the 10 second U turn. Accusations of screwing up the whole day are made and such.

Other scenarios such as I could be working at home on a project all day wake to sleep. Anyways lunch will come around and mind you there’s childeren in the House, she’ll get hungry at lunch time normal. But then she’ll cook lunch for herself a one person meal. Of course When I ask if she can cook something for everyone WW3 again. Of course initially I didn’t understand her disease, but to me it’s just common sense two adults in the house, one is working his butt off, the other well just sitting around doing leisure things you would think they’d cook for everyone. It’s been other scenarios like this too, when we moved there where things she couldn’t handle physically so you think she would take care of the easy work that she’s capable of. So when I’m busy with the stuff that’s more heavy duty and ask her to the stuff she can handle it’s rage mode.

Worst thing about all of this, everytime she gets a job her employers think she’s such a great worker and helpful, charismatic basically model employee. But it’s like living heck to get her to participate at home and if it’s suggested that we double team an effort to get it done it’s really less effort to do it all myself than deal with the chaos that will ensue. Granted I don’t want to totally pin her to the wall here she has gotten a lot better about it and does take care of quite a few chores. Just examples of things that cause her to rage.  Cooking is still really not common for her. But I’ll cook any day if she does the dishes, and I’m not preoccupied.

To further on I feel like her morals standards can be really situational. Of course in the beginning she mirrored my morals and standards back to me. But I’ve noticed they seem to change depending on who she’s around. It makes it seem like there’s a lot of hypocrisy involved.  For example before we were married I had a female friend who was in a relationship, invite us out to the bar as a couple as they were going as a couple. My wife/gf at the time didn’t want to go and told me I can go and not to worry. So I went out with this couple on a weekend night to the bar about an hr in I started getting all kinds of txts and calls. Obviously me being at the bar without her made her uncomfortable. One she was invited but still I decided it’s fair. The old school higher moral part of me realized you know what I might be uncomfortable if my GF was out late on a weekend night drinking at the bar. Granted she was invited but out of respect for her I went home earlier than the rest that went out. So for years it seems that this is a fair and respectable thing we don’t go out late into the night drinking without each other. I know some ppl disagree and agree with this concept but for us seemed to be something that was more bencial not to push the boundaries of our relationship. So fast forward years later she’s in her 30s and now married. She gets a job working with a bunch of 20 year olds who like to party. Basically they’re all sleeping with each other and on the prawl hardcore. Some are single some are married some in relationships but doesn’t seem to stop any of them I’m sure none of them would’ve had relationships if their partners knew what was happening. So she starts getting invited out to house parties and stuff so it’s like she knows that it’s inappropriate for a wife with kids to go out and party all night and neglect the family initially she just ignores it.  So eventually she starts asking to go out to these house parties, and of course when I ask if she likes the idea of me going out to house parties in a similar situation and if she’s ok introducing that kind of behavior to our relationship and it’s reciprocal she can make the decision. Of course she’s not ok with me doing it so it turns into WW3 again. It’s stuff like this that kind of sets off my alarms. Of course she didn’t go in the end. I just don’t understand why things like this can’t be a respect thing. I suppose I don’t understand why she doesn’t think you do respect me by not going out in those situations, I think it’s fair that I don’t subject myself to the same. Why the arguments? Of course I get accused of ruining her social life etc. but it’s like you’re invited to do things with married woman in similar situations but don’t take their invitations. So why the ignore married women and fight to do questionable things?  I know self destructive behavior is part of the diagnosis.

There’s were issues with money, with time they’ve got better.  Issues with her raging and being unrealistic in expectations with not only me but the kids. Of course when I stand up for them ya another big long story.
She’s just not very reciprocal, seems entertained by the idea of waking a fine line in our relationship these things put me on edge and at wits end sometimes. Sometimes I  feel she’s only motivated by self interests, of course set the BPD aside and if I only look at her actions I’d have to say sometimes she’s selfish, rude, stubborn, inconsiderate, hypocritical, etc. I really have no knowledge of infedelity or anything but given my background just her choices and fighting to do things based on changing morals like this sets of my red flags, like there’s  higher potential for bad things to happen. Really things so simple to solve turn into major fights leading to divorce threats, wanting to hurt herself, I’m not good enough etc. basically arguments that turn to the point where the real issue takes a back seat and become immature, therfore  goes unresolved.

She sees a therapist but one that’s probably not familiar with BPD and goes along with her and just validates her I’m always the victim. Just all of these issues make me feel like it’s hard to legitametely grow a relationship. I basically feel our relationship peaked at 6 months or so and will always be stunted from growing. Before I knew she was BPD a always tried to approach things as we’re two healthy adults. I few years in I knew she was off and had just figured she has some form of narcissism. Came to this by researching her actions and how she acts, has more traights than not of narcissism, but apparently there’s a lot of overlap between the two and sometimes they exist at the same time. For now I’m just going to say BPD since that’s what a professional diagnosed her with. I just wonder why I subject myself to this, but of course I love her and my family. Seems like she always tests my boundaries but has never officially crossed them or is good at hiding she has. She was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist that recommended therapy but never followed through. It’s just hard to go through weeks of erratic behavior followed by months of decent behavior then followed by erratic behavior. There dozens of more examples than above obviously.  There’s no doubt that the fights and constant divorce threats, and unresolved issues have had an effect on our relationship. I just feel like I’m waiting for the day she does cross my boundaries or she does really follow through on the divorce.  I feel I’m already so flexible I’m not really flexing anymore, plus I feel more like I’m a convinience for my wife than her actual life partner. I see other posts here and realize I don’t have it as bad as others but still I want to grow a relationship and be able to act like a mature adult even though the healthy adult approach to problems isn’t really what works with pwBPD. I think my wife is interested in seeing a psychiatrist and I’m thinking about starting myself. Just confused now I suppose.

[Ltahoe]

I am literally just lost and confused. Sorry this will get a little detailed and I’m a poor writer to top it off. I’m kind of stuck on how to proceed from here.  First off I’ve been married to my wife with BPD for about 5 years dated before that so have known her for a total of about 7 years. We have two childeren together. When we first met everything was great maybe even too good, obviously in hindsight I was in idealization phase. This phase lasted a good year or so, she became pregnant and this is when the stuff started to hit the fan. She had been diagnosed with depression and I was aware of that.  Of course me knowing nothing about BPD and her to my assumption not even aware of the diagnosis herself yet, she got away with blaming her erratic behavior on the pregnancy hormones this of course seemed believable as they always say pregnancy and the additional hormones can create imbalances and effects everyone different. We proceeded to get married and the erratic behavior continued, and was blamed on post pardum depression.

This behavior varies sometimes it’s a month or more between episodes sometimes it’s a every couple days for a few weeks, then returns to erratic occasions once every few months that last a week or two overall again. In general though a lot of our issues go unresolved and I feel this complicates things, it seems solutions to our problems can’t be resolved because it becomes a blame game and trying to come up with real resolutions and clarity on the issues never happens.  Obviously the common problems exist here, never taking responsibility for actions, always blaming others, threats of suicide, threats of divorce it’s basically when we have certain issues there’s a lot of stubbornness and inflexible happens initially on her part. It’s as I’m suppose to take it as is and what is, I really do feel as if I’m arguing or trying to problem solve with a child sometimes. I do understand that emotional immaturity is part of the diagnosis. It’s sort of weird though because I feel like my wife is rigid and a lot of things go unresolved, but if I’m really rigid on something it does seem like even though it’s going to be hell for a bit she’ll usually compromise and make sure that I guess she’s technically not crossing my boundaries.

So a little about me, I was raised on high morals and standards. So high in fact that I don’t follow all of them. Of course family is always a high priority and some people may see my stances on certain issues as old school but I’ll perhaps get into some of that later. I’ve also never really had a normal romantic relationship either. Usually ends badly with me taken advantage of then if course it ends. I suppose I’ve always had a lack of confidence and the last relationships have made me somewhat insecure. Truth is I also probably have undiagnosed aspegers. Basically I suck at body language and communicating with people, also makes me narrow focused but highly into my focus. Probably why I’m not good at writing but can do ridiculous math in my head. Her she basically had a screwed up childhood, parents didn’t really care for her and became other families responsibility. She talks about being abused but really never opens up to what actually happened. I feel because of both of our issues we both can have problems communicating. I mean obviously I’m usually the flexible one, and the caretaker in the relationship but if boundaries get pushed I do become inflexible.

So let’s get into some more specifics and examples. For example she exhibits characteristics of selfishness and inconsideration, really she can’t be inconvenienced at all or is erratic if asked to do anything other than exist sometimes. Scenario so we can be driving somewhere and wife can be on phone playing games then I ask her to GPS something, she gets all erratic because she can’t continue to play games. She usually says well I have a headache, and I’d point out she was just in her phone and I need it cause I’m driving. This of course flips her out more and is basically WW3 stuff. I’ll literally have to pull over and do it myself. To me this is straight ridiculous we have two kids in the car and she simply can’t just help out the family? And it leads to at least a day of fighting. However when we get where we were going there’s a good chance that her actress mode is turned on and she’s all bubly and charismatic around other people even though it was rage mode right before, the rage mode once we leave again. Like dang thought you were better but guess not. Similar situations have ocurred over U turns this becomes means for a huge argument and rage because the wasted 10seconds of wrong direction travel and the 10 second U turn. Accusations of screwing up the whole day are made and such.

Other scenarios such as I could be working at home on a project all day wake to sleep. Anyways lunch will come around and mind you there’s childeren in the House, she’ll get hungry at lunch time normal. But then she’ll cook lunch for herself a one person meal. Of course When I ask if she can cook something for everyone WW3 again. Of course initially I didn’t understand her disease, but to me it’s just common sense two adults in the house, one is working his butt off, the other well just sitting around doing leisure things you would think they’d cook for everyone. It’s been other scenarios like this too, when we moved there where things she couldn’t handle physically so you think she would take care of the easy work that she’s capable of. So when I’m busy with the stuff that’s more heavy duty and ask her to the stuff she can handle it’s rage mode.

Worst thing about all of this, everytime she gets a job her employers think she’s such a great worker and helpful, charismatic basically model employee. But it’s like living heck to get her to participate at home and if it’s suggested that we double team an effort to get it done it’s really less effort to do it all myself than deal with the chaos that will ensue. Granted I don’t want to totally pin her to the wall here she has gotten a lot better about it and does take care of quite a few chores. Just examples of things that cause her to rage.  Cooking is still really not common for her. But I’ll cook any day if she does the dishes, and I’m not preoccupied.

To further on I feel like her morals standards can be really situational. Of course in the beginning she mirrored my morals and standards back to me. But I’ve noticed they seem to change depending on who she’s around. It makes it seem like there’s a lot of hypocrisy involved.  For example before we were married I had a female friend who was in a relationship, invite us out to the bar as a couple as they were going as a couple. My wife/gf at the time didn’t want to go and told me I can go and not to worry. So I went out with this couple on a weekend night to the bar about an hr in I started getting all kinds of txts and calls. Obviously me being at the bar without her made her uncomfortable. One she was invited but still I decided it’s fair. The old school higher moral part of me realized you know what I might be uncomfortable if my GF was out late on a weekend night drinking at the bar. Granted she was invited but out of respect for her I went home earlier than the rest that went out. So for years it seems that this is a fair and respectable thing we don’t go out late into the night drinking without each other. I know some ppl disagree and agree with this concept but for us seemed to be something that was more bencial not to push the boundaries of our relationship. So fast forward years later she’s in her 30s and now married. She gets a job working with a bunch of 20 year olds who like to party. Basically they’re all sleeping with each other and on the prawl hardcore. Some are single some are married some in relationships but doesn’t seem to stop any of them I’m sure none of them would’ve had relationships if their partners knew what was happening. So she starts getting invited out to house parties and stuff so it’s like she knows that it’s inappropriate for a wife with kids to go out and party all night and neglect the family initially she just ignores it.  So eventually she starts asking to go out to these house parties, and of course when I ask if she likes the idea of me going out to house parties in a similar situation and if she’s ok introducing that kind of behavior to our relationship and it’s reciprocal she can make the decision. Of course she’s not ok with me doing it so it turns into WW3 again. It’s stuff like this that kind of sets off my alarms. Of course she didn’t go in the end. I just don’t understand why things like this can’t be a respect thing. I suppose I don’t understand why she doesn’t think you do respect me by not going out in those situations, I think it’s fair that I don’t subject myself to the same. Why the arguments? Of course I get accused of ruining her social life etc. but it’s like you’re invited to do things with married woman in similar situations but don’t take their invitations. So why the ignore married women and fight to do questionable things?  I know self destructive behavior is part of the diagnosis.

There’s were issues with money, with time they’ve got better.  Issues with her raging and being unrealistic in expectations with not only me but the kids. Of course when I stand up for them ya another big long story.
She’s just not very reciprocal, seems entertained by the idea of waking a fine line in our relationship these things put me on edge and at wits end sometimes. Sometimes I  feel she’s only motivated by self interests, of course set the BPD aside and if I only look at her actions I’d have to say sometimes she’s selfish, rude, stubborn, inconsiderate, hypocritical, etc. I really have no knowledge of infedelity or anything but given my background just her choices and fighting to do things based on changing morals like this sets of my red flags, like there’s  higher potential for bad things to happen. Really things so simple to solve turn into major fights leading to divorce threats, wanting to hurt herself, I’m not good enough etc. basically arguments that turn to the point where the real issue takes a back seat and become immature, therfore  goes unresolved.

She sees a therapist but one that’s probably not familiar with BPD and goes along with her and just validates her I’m always the victim. Just all of these issues make me feel like it’s hard to legitametely grow a relationship. I basically feel our relationship peaked at 6 months or so and will always be stunted from growing. Before I knew she was BPD a always tried to approach things as we’re two healthy adults. I few years in I knew she was off and had just figured she has some form of narcissism. Came to this by researching her actions and how she acts, has more traights than not of narcissism, but apparently there’s a lot of overlap between the two and sometimes they exist at the same time. For now I’m just going to say BPD since that’s what a professional diagnosed her with. I just wonder why I subject myself to this, but of course I love her and my family. Seems like she always tests my boundaries but has never officially crossed them or is good at hiding she has. She was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist that recommended therapy but never followed through. It’s just hard to go through weeks of erratic behavior followed by months of decent behavior then followed by erratic behavior. There dozens of more examples than above obviously.  There’s no doubt that the fights and constant divorce threats, and unresolved issues have had an effect on our relationship. I just feel like I’m waiting for the day she does cross my boundaries or she does really follow through on the divorce.  I feel I’m already so flexible I’m not really flexing anymore, plus I feel more like I’m a convinience for my wife than her actual life partner. I see other posts here and realize I don’t have it as bad as others but still I want to grow a relationship and be able to act like a mature adult even though the healthy adult approach to problems isn’t really what works with pwBPD. I think my wife is interested in seeing a psychiatrist and I’m thinking about starting myself. Just confused now I suppose.

[BeagleGirl]

Ltahoe,
It sounds like you have a lot to be confused about.  I can relate to much of it.  

While this board is an amazing resource, I definitely recommend also taking advantage of therapy for both you and your wife, which sounds like an option you have open to you.  It can be very helpful in parallel with the tools you'll find on this site, as well as the support and encouragement on these message boards.

Reading through your post, it sounds like getting her to respect your boundaries (without WW3) is a common theme.  Would you say that's the biggest challenge you're facing right now?  

Have you had the opportunity to look at some of the Tools available on this site?  :)id any of them resonate with you?

Please let us know how we can help.

BeagleGirl

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Ltahoe,
You are in the right place! We understand what you're going through.  

You've given a great description of your relationship and I can see how troubling it is.  I understand, having been in a similar place a couple of years ago when I landed here.

Like you, I'm Asperger-ish. I certainly fit that description when I was in high school, but thanks to what I've learned here and in therapy, I'm much better at reading people and understanding body language. You sound like a very logically-minded person and I am too. The problem is, what we do so well, doesn't at all work with our BPD spouses. I kept thinking if I could only explain things better, then he'd finally understand.

Also like you, my spouse is not at the extreme end of the BPD spectrum, so it's easy to assume that he could be logical at times when he's not. The thing is with people with BPD (pwBPD), when they're upset (dysregulated), then Feelings = Facts. For example, asking your wife to help you with GPS when she's playing games on her phone probably means to her something like "I'm busy and he doesn't care that he's asking me to stop doing this." As ridiculous as this might sound to you, since you're only asking for a quick interruption for assistance, to her, it might mean that you're thoughtless and uncaring about what she's doing. Hence, to her, those feelings =  the facts of the situation.

I used to fall into this trap over and over and try to explain my side, such as the fact that you are the one doing the driving and asking for a momentary bit of help is not a big deal. But as you can see, not understanding how this might play out to her can cause her to dysregulate and you two then end up in a big argument.

Something that's helped me a lot is remembering not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). I've had the hardest time letting go of explaining. Being so logical myself, it seems that if I can just find the right words, the lightbulb will go on in his mind and he'll understand the way I'm thinking. But no. As you've said, it's easy to start WW3.

Another thing you've mentioned is how she can easily go from bubbly and charismatic with other people, then return to rage mode around you. Yep. I've seen that time and time again. My mother was an expert at that. BPD is a disorder that manifests with those people who are closest to the individual--their loved ones and often is invisible to acquaintances and strangers.

You also mention her lack of reciprocity and fair play--yep! Again, this can be described by Feelings = Facts. What she feels in the moment makes sense to her--that she shouldn't have to make lunch for others because she needs to make lunch for herself right now. Or that it's OK to party with young coworkers because it would be fun.

You've found some success with setting boundaries. Here's a good article on that: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

There's a lot to learn about making our relationships better with our BPD spouses and for those of us who are very logically-minded, much can be counterintuitive. Please keep reading and posting more about your story.

 
Cat

[Enabler]

Hey Ltahoe,

Thanks for all the info, I don’t know where you got the impression you couldn’t write... .maybe from your wife!

As beaglegirl has mentioned, it seems like you can assert yourself but it takes soo much energy and conflict bout virtually everything it’s physically and mentally draining. Many members struggle with saying something well and then not engaging, allowing their partner to ‘work it out’ (whilst they grind teeth and endure the pain and anguish of not justifying arguing denying and explaining (JADEing). The battle is what sucks the joy out of life.

I think we can help her have her WW3 on her own whilst you find better things to focus on.

Would you like that?

Enabler

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Ltahoe,
Here's a couple of videos that have helped me to understand my high functioning BPD husband a bit more. They focus on therapeutic approaches to treatment, but what was valuable to me was how the clinician pointed out common patterns in patients with BPD.

Also useful in the second video was the idea of not talking about relationship issues any time drugs or alcohol are consumed, as well as no relationship talk from 10 p.m. until after 8 a.m. Definitely abiding by these rules improves sleep for the Non partner!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302605

Hope it's helpful.
Cat

[Red5]

Hello Ltahoe and welcome!,

This a fantastic website, and it has helped me in my own journey immensely!, this a good and safe place to come to and learn about this pbd phenomena, and as well a place to vent it all out, write it al out, and have the positive feedback from others, good medicine !

*In general though a lot of our issues go unresolved and I feel this complicates things,

This a constant in my own relationship (r/s), seems as soon as one fire goes out (so to speak), she lights up another, before I can figure out the one before that, the word “rollercoaster’ comes to mind.

*I really do feel as if I’m arguing or trying to problem solve with a child sometimes.

This is discussed many times over here, yes, I have come to understand that BPD is born of, caused by trauma, many times in the pw/BPD’s childhood, so that when they dysregulate, then yes, the inner child is who you are now dealing with, makes a lot of sense to me.

*She talks about being abused but really never opens up to what actually happened

.

Again, I have read time and again, that BPD can be caused by trauma in childhood, or else maybe adult hood, ie’ PTSD/CPTSD… so the abuse you speak of, that may be it (cause?), but be careful about getting your pw/BPD to open up about it, that can be very risky.

*I mean obviously I’m usually the flexible one, and the caretaker in the relationship but if boundaries get pushed I do become inflexible.

The term “caretaker” describes many of us here…

*She exhibits characteristics of selfishness and inconsideration,

A lot of pw/BPD are lacking many aspects of “empathy”… this is a marker behavior in pw/BPD.

*In the beginning she mirrored my morals and standards back to me,

Another BPD marker behavior, “mirroring”… when you first met, this was the ideation stage, .and pw/BPD will use the “mirroring” to gain your favor, and attention, and this is how it begins, then next is the devaluing…

*I’ve noticed they (morals and standards) seem to change depending on who she’s around,

Again, more “mirroring”.

*Wanting to hurt herself,

One of the behavior markers of pbd.

*Basically feel our relationship peaked at 6 months or so and will always be stunted from growing.

This is common, remember that your pw/BPD may have a very different life view, due to upbringing/trauma, of love and relationships, my first wife was like this, but what did I know about anything at age eighteen!

*A few years in I knew she was off and had just figured she has some form of narcissism.

I have read that in a lot of cases, that npd (narcissistic personality disorder) and BPD are presented (traits of) together, very interesting, albeit extremely difficult when having to deal with this in a r/s partner.

*She was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist

,

Wow, that’s something to have happen, as most pw/npd never accept it, or try to seek counseling of any type,

*There’s no doubt that the fights and constant divorce threats, and unresolved issues have had an effect on our relationship.

I call this “getting lost” in the r/s, due the constant dysregulations, fights and negative destructive behaviors brought on by the pw/BPD at the non.

*I think my wife is interested in seeing a psychiatrist and I’m thinking about starting myself.

Awesome!… do it… but I would caution against you both going together at the onset… yes, be careful with that one.

*Just confused now I suppose.

But you are here now!, and there is a wealth of knowledge to soak up here, read read read, and read some more… learn all you can about personality disorders… and most important, learn the coping mechanism/tools that are presented here, the do work, but it takes a lot of practice.

Borderline personality disorder, like all the others, are presented on a “spectrum”… severity less to the left, more severe to “malignant” to the right… there is so much to learn Ltahoe, and there are many here who can help you as you go, please keep posting, and tell us more as you can, and by the way, you can write fabulously!

Best wishes,

Red5

[eeps]

i agree, you're a very good writer! i can relate to so many things you've mentioned, and this one really stuck out to me right now:

I feel more like I’m a convinience for my wife than her actual life partner.

i'm very very new to understanding BPD. i have been reading these boards a ton in the past couple of weeks and just trying to sort things out. it is a lot to take in, and can be overwhelming, but i have been starting to use validating tools and they do help. it's hard, and i need more practice, but there is a lot of great information here.

[Ltahoe]

Thanks for the replies, and thoughts. I’ve been reading them as they come in.  I haven’t fully gone through the site yet, but have poked around especially in some of the forums.  Interesting to see what others are going through. Two books have provided the basis for my understanding. “Stop caretaking the borderline narcissist” and “stop walking on eggshells”. I read both of those through, but have thought about revisiting those works since it’s been close to a couple years since I read them. Not just read them this time but go through them and  implement action.

 I would have to say that the biggest problem for me is the rage, often times I can mostly ignore it but other times it does get to me. Especially when it comes to seemingly simple things that ordinary people would just do, and yes if it’s testing the boundaries it can become more emotional for me. As Cat touched on though it’s hard for me to tell when my wife is dysregulating because she is a hBPD. So she can seem so normal most of the time and I never know when she’s explosive until I unknowingly test the waters. As already stated I’m not the best at body language either both ways reading and expressing it, sometimes I’m not around enough or attentive enough to have picked up on the signals such as when driving or working on something my focus isn’t directed on her so I might just walk into it blindly.

 It also helps to know as someone who’s mostly a logical thinker that that or JADE doesn’t work during dysregulation. I would have to say in hindsight I do that. I feel like logic and reasoning would be the best way for us to work through things, but apparently not and so far it has not worked. I did get a chance to watch the videos posted too.

It would be nice to learn not to get involved in her dysregulation periods, I feel like I don’t get involved in every one and she does work through some on her own. I also kind of wonder how it would work if I’m no longer her source of lashing out. Would one of the kids take over or her impulses? I know she likes to toy with the idea of pushing boundaries to the max. I still don’t know why for sure, sometimes I feel like she’s testing me or trying to get me to react. Often times she comes up with ludicrous ideas but comes to her senses even if I never say anything, sometimes it’s actually best not saying anything. Usually if I don’t say anything I realize it’s lidicrous but not really a threat to our relationship.  It mostly seems her impulses are under control.  To be honest I don’t know exactly which impulsivity applies to her, I see the overeating and the over spending. She’s lucky for now cause she has a high metabolism, but I do see her fighting her spending impulses regularly. She usually does pretty good even though it gets scary sometimes watching her do it. In the end though It took us years to create a budget that we both can stick too she knows when I’ll flip or our relationship will be in jeopardy in certain instances, such as if she went and maxed out a card on a shopping spree. I feel like she knows exactly where I’ll stand my ground often times stays away from it sometimes like to push it haven’t figured out why. Idk if leaving her to deal with herself will lead to increased impulsivity to let it out. Suppose this is where counseling will help.

It was also interesting that the situational morals was just idealizing with the current people she’s with. I really never thought of it that way. She is really good at making people like her initially, in fact almost every new job she gets she knows how to impress the bosses, in hindsight my guess is she does idealize her boss. This is her 2nd job in a row where the boss is interested in promoting her fairly fast. I always thought she was just idealizing things too, such as the job. She does tend to really like a job then a flip switches where the job is no longer worth having and sometimes quits spontaneously. For this reason I’ve  had to set our budget on my income alone. Never even occurred to me that it’s possible that she idealizes non romantic or non family relationships. It’s actually really interesting to thing about. It is also crazy to think about because I feel that I should have seen the signals in the beginning, but apparently others don’t either.

I feel like she’s going to go through with setting up a new psychiatrist. I know she initially set up with a psychiatrist becaus her therapist isn’t authorized to prescribe medications. However she didn’t like him for some reason or another, says she prefers a woman or something.  Idk if she was also uncomfortable with having to do therapy or setting realistic expectations. I probably will set up my self with someone to work on myself too, and how I feel about the relationship. Hopefully when she’s ready we can do some joint sessions.

Thanks for all the offers of support. I know I’ve had issues facing her diagnosis myself and before that even. I have a hard time accepting that logical thinking doesn’t work and feel that I’m not really interested in conforming to what I call delusional thinking. Idk it just drives me nuts sometimes.  I’m not condoning my acts or anything but for several years I started self medicating or let’s be honest just getting high so I was numb and able to just deal with it and except what is. I didn’t even really realize that’s what I was doing until I quit. Now that I don’t do that and I’ve had some time to really see things the way are again and know something should be done to correct our relationship.

[Cat Familiar]

I would have to say that the biggest problem for me is the rage, often times I can mostly ignore it but other times it does get to me. Especially when it comes to seemingly simple things that ordinary people would just do, and yes if it’s testing the boundaries it can become more emotional for me.

Yes, we all have problems with the rage. Once it gets to that stage, there's little we can do, other than exit stage left--but that isn't an option when we're trapped in a car with them.

As someone who also has trouble picking up on body language, I've become a bit more aware of my husband's facial expressions when he's starting to become dysregulated. One thing I notice is that the skin around his eyes starts tightening and his lips press together so the space between them flattens out. It's a bit easier for me to notice the change in his voice tones than body language and facial expressions.

When I notice these signals, I immediately re-focus what I'm saying and doing, so I'm not JADEing and I use Validation. https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

What I found helpful was to study my husband's face, as if I was a primate researcher, and notice the changes in muscle tension and skin color. I was a reporter for a few years, so I put on my "reporter's hat" and just try and observe as much as possible. This can be a useful strategy for those of us who are adept at using our thinking skills, and it will help focus us and keep us centered when our beloved primate flings the proverbial crap in our direction.

Of course you cannot do this when you're driving, but you could pull over at the nearest opportunity and exit the car and ask your wife to speak with you away from the children. This would probably shock her, but you could say something like, "I couldn't give you my full attention when I was driving and now I can. I'd like to hear what you have to say."

It definitely takes practice noticing the minimal cues--the voice tone, facial expression and body language changes--but once you start doing this, you will pick up on dysregulation sooner and often be able to nip it in the bud because your words and behavior no longer feed it.

It would be nice to learn not to get involved in her dysregulation periods, I feel like I don’t get involved in every one and she does work through some on her own. I also kind of wonder how it would work if I’m no longer her source of lashing out. Would one of the kids take over or her impulses? I know she likes to toy with the idea of pushing boundaries to the max. I still don’t know why for sure, sometimes I feel like she’s testing me or trying to get me to react.

Good that you let her work this out herself! Lots of members here with children are concerned about them becoming punching bags and try to take the brunt of their partner's dysregulations. Best if she doesn't dysregulate--it can certainly be minimized with what you learn here, but the tendency will remain. And yes, they're often fishing for a reaction from you.

Often times she comes up with ludicrous ideas but comes to her senses even if I never say anything, sometimes it’s actually best not saying anything. Usually if I don’t say anything I realize it’s lidicrous but not really a threat to our relationship. 

Good work! You're on the right track. Lots of times those nutty ideas just burn themselves out on their own. No action required of us. If asked, you could say, "Interesting... .tell me more."

Regarding overspending, you might put a limit on her credit card purchases--maybe a dollar limit on individual purchases or a monthly limit--and once that's spent, she has no more mad money. It sounds like the boundaries you've put in place are working. 

Counseling is great for both of you. Even therapists often seek counseling when they have BPD clients--it's a lot of work and they need support too!

PwBPD can be incredibly charming and easily impress people at the beginning of relationships, whether work or personal. Remember what drew you to her in the beginning? It's just that they have a hard time sustaining those wonderful first impressions. Of course you didn't see the signs at the beginning. I would wager that none of us here did. But in retrospect, when it seems too good to be true... .

Lots of times pwBPD quit therapy when they begin to realize that their therapist is seeing through the illusion they present and getting to the hard truths they will need to confront. Far better to shed this one and find a new one to try and impress.

You don't need to "conform to delusional thinking". Here we call that "validating the invalid." Also you don't need to "correct" delusional thinking--you can just hear it and let it go. The more you try and bring her back to consensual reality, the more she will cling to those delusions.

Yes, re-read those books with what you know now and keep posting and reading here.