BPD mother with cancer

[iris519]

I am new to the site and was hoping to not feel so alone and to also gain advice and insight. I have suspected for a long time that my mother has BPD. After recently beginning counseling, I began doing research and I am now positive. We have had a difficult relationship since I married (really all of my life) and have gone for several months (on and off after her rages and telling me off) without speaking and/or a distant/strained relationship. She called me in November to tell me she has colon cancer. She has been receiving chemotherapy and July will be the end of it. She has other complications as well and has said that she will not pursue more treatment if the prognosis is not better then. I have so many mixed emotions and I don't know what the right thing to do is. She lives 4 hours away and I can't bear the thought of going up there to be with her. It would mean leaving my 3 children and husband to go walk on eggshells. My uncle has been checking on her, taking her to appts, etc. I'm sure he thinks I am such an ungrateful child, but I just can't make myself be around her. Any advice, suggestions? Am I a horrible human being?

[todayistheday]

You are not horrible at all.  You need to take care of yourself and your family.

My Mom has been having more and more medical issues the last few years.  She lives next door to sister.  I live 2 hours away.  We both work full-time.  When she's "sick", she wants help, but not from sister.  I feel like she is trying to manipulate me into going to look after her, but she does not succeed. 

For example, she tells me that she needs help. She doesn't think Dad or Sis can do it.  She tells me she needs someone there who can do some things.  She tell sis next door she doesn't need anything.  I don't fall for it.  I have a life here to live. She's never treated me in a way to make me want to go out of my way to be nice for me.

[iris519]

Thank you! I battle my feelings of guilt all the time. I really never saw myself as "abused" until after I began psychology classes in college. I was never physically or sexually abused. I feel like my mother loves me, but she isn't really capable of a healthy relationship with anyone. I guess that's why I feel so guilty. I think she really did/does love me, but she is so hurtful and spiteful. I just couldn't take it anymore. After her last rage episode, I told her that she could have a relationship with my children, but I did not want a relationship with her anymore. We communicate for the sake of my children and she will update me on her health if I ask, but I only call her on holidays and we have only visited once since Nov. 2015. I don't know how to stop feeling like a horrible, disappointment of a daughter. She has let me know more than once how I am not the person she thinks I should be. It was this way my whole life growing up. I constantly feel like I'm still that little girl in trouble for something I don't understand or didn't mean to do. I'm constantly scared she is mad at me about something. I cringe whenever my phone rings and I see her number! I never know what will happen when I answer the phone. Is she calling to rage at me about something? Is she just asking about the kids? Is she going to be paranoid and accusatory? I feel crazy! She could also be calling to tell me how much she loves me and misses me and thinks I'm so wonderful! I never know!

[JNChell]

Hello, iris519. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so torn between what you think you should do. Just do what is best for you. My adoptive mother died of cancer. I know how hard it is to make decisions at times like these. Right now, I believe that it’s best for you to ask yourself what is best for you. This is important.

I have so many mixed emotions and I don't know what the right thing to do is. She lives 4 hours away and I can't bear the thought of going up there to be with her.

You don’t have to. Simple as that. I know that it’s easier said than done, but it’s your decision. If your emotions are mixed, and you’re trying to decide whether or not to go, just step back from it all emotionally and look at it. The pros and cons of taking an uncomfortable trip.

It would mean leaving my 3 children and husband to go walk on eggshells

This statement speaks volumes. Would you rather stay where you feel true love?

Regardless of your decision, you don’t owe anybody anything unless they are your children. Don’t put yourself out for someone that can’t reciprocate.

[iris519]

todayistheday and JNChell, thank you both! I have plunged into reading others' discussions and I feel like I have found people who can understand. Did either of you grow up with people telling you how much you were loved and adored? I felt like no one ever saw my mother for who she really was. Everyone else just kept telling me how lucky I was to be loved so much. But no one saw her screaming and raging at me when the batteries didn't work in the remote or I didn't do well in the spelling bee. I'm sure my uncle thinks I am a terrible child for not just dealing with her because of "all she's done for me" and how much she's always loved me. Nobody ever saw the gaslighting, the rage, and the insecurity. I felt so alone!

[JNChell]

iris519

But no one saw her screaming and raging at me when the batteries didn't work in the remote

You’re right. No one saw her behind closed doors. I know exactly what you’re talking about. Although I wasn’t there in your moments of pain, I know what you’re describing. I know the raging over petty and unpredictable things. I also know this. We made it here to have this conversation. You’re resilient. You’re a survivor. 

I grew up under terrible abuse. Just like you. Just like so many here. We’re here for you. This is a support group. It’s peer based. We’re all here for similar reasons. Would you like to tell us more about what’s going on?

[iris519]

iris519

But no one saw her screaming and raging at me when the batteries didn't work in the remote

You’re right. No one saw her behind closed doors. I know exactly what you’re talking about. Although I wasn’t there in your moments of pain, I know what you’re describing. I know the raging over petty and unpredictable things. I also know this. We made it here to have this conversation. You’re resilient. You’re a survivor. 

I grew up under terrible abuse. Just like you. Just like so many here. We’re here for you. This is a support group. It’s peer based. We’re all here for similar reasons. Would you like to tell us more about what’s going on?

I just really don't know how I got to be this age and didn't ever seek help until now! Nobody ever called my attention to it and everyone just kept telling me how much she loved me, so I was sure I was the crazy one. I started going to counseling and the light has come on. Now my mom has cancer and may not live much longer. I just feel like I have no idea what to do about her. I don't want her to die alone or feeling unloved, but I swear I cannot bring myself to drive up there and be around her. I just feel lost and confused. I've always loved her. I was just hoping she would live long enough to find happiness and contentment. I want those things for her. She has been through 3 husbands. She is now alone. It breaks my heart every day. She came and spent 3 weeks with me when I was pregnant with #3 and had HG. (I also couldn't wait for her to leave!) I mean, she took leave from work and everything. I feel like I am abandoning her. At the same time, I know I will have to walk on eggshells, deal with her paranoia, and listen to her negativity and be completely alone and I can't face that. But wouldn't I do it if I really loved her?

[JNChell]

Do you love her?

[iris519]

Do you love her?

Yes! I do. It probably doesn't sound like it, but I really do.

[JNChell]

If you decide to go to her, the first thing you need to do is put personal boundaries in place. These are for you, and there can be no exceptions to them. What types of boundaries do you think you should place for your own self care?

I also wonder how I got to my age before realizing what the hell was really going on with me. I’m 41 with a 3 year old child. My eyes are wide open now.

The most important thing that you need to know right now is that what you described is abuse. What you described isn’t your fault. The things that you’re feeling from what you’ve described are normal in association to abuse. Be gentle with yourself.

Maybe try to love yourself first.

[iris519]

If you decide to go to her, the first thing you need to do is put personal boundaries in place. These are for you, and there can be no exceptions to them. What types of boundaries do you think you should place for your own self care?

I also wonder how I got to my age before realizing what the hell was really going on with me. I’m 41 with a 3 year old child. My eyes are wide open now.

The most important thing that you need to know right now is that what you described is abuse. What you described isn’t your fault. The things that you’re feeling from what you’ve described are normal in association to abuse. Be gentle with yourself.

Maybe try to love yourself first.

Thank you. I am working on it. I know you are right about the boundaries and that is exactly what my therapist would say  Maybe one day we'll all figure this out! 

[JNChell]

Keep us posted iris519.

[Panda39]

Hi iris519,

So hypothetically... .I'm not saying go and I'm not saying not go. I thought maybe we could think about some boundaries that might make it easier for you to go if you decide to and it again it is also just fine to decide not to go.  Just think of this as an exercise. I think it really helps to have a plan, so what could the "iris plan" be?  What are some boundaries we could set?

What is it that you are most afraid will happen if you go see your mom?

Panda39

[Inner Child]

My BPD mother survived 4th stage cancer 13 years ago. It was hell trying to be the good daughter and supporting her. There were times when she was so verbally abusive that I wish she would die. I took several long weekends off to make the drive and support her. Whatever I did was never enough for her. I would come back home exhausted with nothing left to give my students or husband often getting sick as a result and missing more work. She even blamed her cancer on me! My advice after years of therapy and more years to come:decide and be clear about what you can do for her, Write her a loving letter emphasizing what you are willing to do (implicit is what you can't do), Prioritize your health and your family, if you decide to visit her make sure you have margin and self care set-up for yourself upon your return if this is impossible then think twice about going at all, remember that what you would do for a non BPD mom is different than what you can do for a BPD mother so be clear with yourself about what you can do for the mother you have, remember that whatever you do it will not ever be enough for her. BPD mom's will go to the grave thinking their daughter's have wronged them and are ungrateful. BTW, I am 46 years old and after years of suffering through my mom. I called my uncle  and told him I think she is BPD... .I am not close to him so had no idea what he thought of my mom. Well, he called her a ":)rama queen, control freak, loose canon with unchecked thinking." I felt so affirmed and no longer alone... .In other words, I think your extended family will understand limited visits or no visits. You can support her with cards and phone calls or a visit with plenty of down time and self care built in... .stay in a hotel not her home!. Remember that you are her daughter with 3 kids to care for. You are not her caregiver. You get to define what "daughter" means in the context of having a BPD mom. She does not get to define what it means to be a daughter because she will never understand her disordered thinking and distorted view of reality.

[Inner Child]

My 85 year old mentor wisely said, "Your responsibility as a daughter of a BPD mom is to make sure she is safe." I liked that limit. I can live with that. My mom is miserable, alone and safe in her mobile home at age 75. Is your mom safe? Having her physical medical needs met? If you answered "yes" think about letting go and letting that be enough as your responsibility as her daughter because you will never be able to keep her emotionally safe from her own self defeating thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

[Penny123]

Hello iris, I understand your dilemma. My 73 BPDMom has had health problems (one time it was kidney renal failure) and been hospitalized at times and I traveled 7 hours to be help her during those times these last two years. She treats me not good at times but at least I can say I did something and had no regrets. For me, I think that's how I make a decision about visiting my Mom. Will I have any regrets if she died and if the answer is yes, I go. This year, it's not so much the physical problem, it's her financial problem. She didn't take advice from me/my brother on financial decisions and she is pretty much in a good amount of debt compared to her income.  She wants me to co-sign on a debt consolidation loan and if I don't she says she will commit suicide by the end of the week (she tells me this often though).  I don't want to co-sign on a loan.  I may not be able to give into her demands but maybe I can take over her car payment. I have to be able to live with my decisions that I make on her health and finances. I hope my experience helps in some way. I have a feeling it's not going to end well with my Mom's life and I've come to grips with that at least for now. I've even tried to get her to move closer to me but she refuses. She has no family where she lives but a few friends.