BPD and ACOA together?

[Nwish]

Hi Everyone,
I’m not new to this forum, but new to the detaching board.
I have a long story under the reversal board about how my undiagnosed BPD Ex suddenly left and jumped into a relationship that made him miserable. He cried over me and kept engaging me, but wouldn’t break it off with her.

Well, it turns out that he moved into an office with an attractive, diagnosed, Classic BPD female. He is also an ACOA and shows most traits very clearly. He left right when things were smooth and going to work. He gets very uncomfortable with me accepting and loving him, and he has very low self esteem. In his marriage he was always trying to feel worthy and prove love bc his wife was critical and rejecting and he didn’t feel good enough,but is comfortable in chaos and push/pull even though he says it’s not what he wants.

Well now I’m thinking if he is with this girl with BPD who leaves him and blows up every 4 days, it could last forever because he will keep chasing and staying busy “proving”. Does anyone have any thought so on this?
She is awful to him and he says he’s never been in love with her and that I brought so much to his life, and was his “calm”.  Yet, he’s not choosing me after all we went through to be together.

Can this last forever? This dynamic? His therapist told him that the girl will never be able to sustain a relationship. He’s so unhappy but won’t leave. Addicted to her and her games I think. It makes me so sad.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Nwish,

I'm sorry that you've found yourself on the Detaching board.  How long ago did he leave and what was the situation surrounding that?  How are you doing?

Can I just ask, is he in the ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) 12 step programme?

Love and light x 

[Nwish]

Hi Harley Quinn - thanks for answering.

He left last August but said it was “unintentional”. Things were getting close to what we planned (blending a family, living together) and I could see him getting wirhdrawn even though it’s all he wanted for 18 months (got divorced for it). There was no chaos with me. He was looking around and talking to other women. He wanted to marry me so badly and then got nervous when I mentioned a break up (once in two years). Or did he just meet a pretty girl? Who knows. Hard to believe he could talk so wonderfully about me and then skip out so easily. He never devalued me and urged me to keep in touch... .called crying a few times even while with the other women. Even now if I see him he has to drink and will still Be touchy feely.

Anyway - he tried to kill himself about a month after he left and then was in therapy and quit. That was in the fall 2017. Now he is in therapy again but not a 12-step program. I think he is twirling his thumbs trying to change his behavior from a point of comfort. His therapist told him he has a hard time with healthy relationships and to break the pattern he must make a decision

I don’t think he can get away from the girl - it’s a continual chase and he keeps saying he’s never good enough. Uhg. They have broken up about 30 times since August and every time is “the last”. His therapist called her a siren.

[Harley Quinn]

How often do you see or speak to him?  Is he sharing all the details of his current r/s with you?  How do you feel about that?  What are your feelings about your r/s now? 

Love and light x

[Nwish]

In the fall I talked to him about 1-2 times per month and playing on a soccer team with him. He stopped playing and I last saw him Christmas Eve (until last week). At Christmas he said they were “never, ever, ever” getting back together and it was a distraction for him. He loved me and was tired of hurting me and wanted to be friends. We hung out over Christmas talking about what happened. Then I really didn’t talk to him until May! Found out they were still in and out but he calls it a “situation”.

He does tell me about his r/s and it was so soon thatbhe was into it that it made me realize how emotionally immature he is (some of things he talked about were very child like).

This last time I went to see his new place and he made hints that he was single and wanted to tell me how he was making a fresh start. Then he broke into the weepy news about how awful she is.

I started to become his sounding board/therapist which I don’t like. I’ll never reason with him anyway. I offered to attend therapy with him if he was serious about wanting a healthy r/s and he said yes bc I am “good for him” and the only one who gets him. I sent a few text for the next couple of days and he thanked me, but I don’t think I’ll hear from him again. I’m sure they are in a short period of bliss. Until next time.

I think I need to get mean. I feel like I don’t have a r/s with him- I’m not what’s comfortable and easy right now. I’m not what he wants. But he does continue to ask to come play soccer again with our Sunday team (his nephews play too). He will always answer/communicate if I reach out.  We are in our 40’s by the way!

[Harley Quinn]

I'm sorry you found yourself in the position of being his sounding board/therapist regards his current r/s.  I can imagine how painful and frustrating it must be to be given the details of him going through an unhealthy cycle of behaviour with the new gf.  That has to be hard.  Stop me if I'm wrong, but do I detect the desire to reconnect romantically if possible? 

I offered to attend therapy with him if he was serious about wanting a healthy r/s and he said yes bc I am “good for him” and the only one who gets him. I sent a few text for the next couple of days and he thanked me, but I don’t think I’ll hear from him again. I’m sure they are in a short period of bliss. Until next time.

Were you referring to a healthy r/s with her or with yourself?  I'm wondering if you held out hope that going to the therapy with him might make him realise it's you that he ought to be with?

Given the opportunity, would you want to recycle the relationship?

Love and light x   

[Nwish]

Yes - I would definitely still work on/recycle a relationship with him. We went through a lot. I offered to go to therapy for me and him to work on a relationship. I only asked bc he mentioned that he was trying to break the cycle of choosing toxic partners. His therapist said he has to do the work. Also, in the past when he cried over leaving, I was swallowing my pride and maybe gave him the impression that I would not go back with him. At least now he knows where I stand.

He wants me in his life (so he says), but in what capacity? I also think he says things people want to hear... .there was a point where he couldn’t go without talking to me and now he doesn’t seem to care at all. I thought maybe he really was working on himself, scared bc he didn’t think he could offer as much as my previous partner. At this point if he wanted to share his time with me, he would. At Christmas he said he didn’t love me romantically and we could never be again. He loves me as a solid friend. He said that right after I might have said something negative, like “I’m done, we don’t have anything together”. So could have been a defense mech. But I don’t want to be in denial.

I think he realizes that he wants a healthy r/s. He calls me his calm and says I brought so much to his life. Therapy won’t change that but it will allow him to maybe disengage from her and not be so devastated.

[once removed]

I think I need to get mean.

i think its more a matter of determining your priorities here.

if your priority is to get back together, there arent a lot of cards to play. you can work on yourself and learn the tools (which will benefit you regardless) but hes in a relationship and that will have to play out, and if you are part of the picture, that could strain things for both of you.

if you want to be friends, no, i would not be a sounding board for his relationship. i wouldnt have any discussions of a relationship between the two of you, or either of you improving for the other. it sounds like you want more, and that may be complicating things.

if you want to completely detach, it looks a lot different. i think it would involve giving up hope or pursuing in any way, and grieving the relationship.

right now things are kind of stuck in place, and it sounds like the dynamics are increasingly frustrating you.