Backlash / Testing was expected, but not like this

[Depression = 72% of members]

I posted previously about issues in my relationship and trying to decide if it is worth working on and continuing, not because I didnt want the relationship anymore but have been so burnt out and at the end of my rope physically, mentally and emotionally, I dont know if I have the energy to continue to weather the bad storms and enjoy the good days. After a number of fights and daily I left for a few days to get my head together and catch up on some rest.

I expected some sort of backlash or revenge for hurting her which was always inevitable. But things were relatively calm, she bought a new puppy which was very expensive but I let it go because it made her and our daughter happy and I wanted to show support. This morning though, I arrived to work with a barrage of text, how I havent stopped smoking after years of demanding and that "this is an ultimatum" basically to stop smoking and show support to her when she needs to vent (which usually involves an attack or rejection of me) and somehow a supportive husband is supposed to agree and be emotionally available to support all the personal constant attacks, put downs and blame directly at me for anything ever that has gone wrong. And because I didnt immedately support that view and suggested I see my counsellor today to talk about her concerns and how I can fix them.

Since then I have been sent lists of every single thing that has gone wrong and that I have not been there for or somehow the cause of and how selfish I am and never there for her. But the behaviour over the last few months has directly caused me to distance myself physically and emotionally. Its a self fulfilling prophecy. My counsellor and I got into an argument over todays session but I am admittedly pretty shut down right now and there is no current solution or things I can do that I havent already done many times before. I guess I can try and weather this again and wait it out until it splits back. I have never felt more alone to be honest, nothing I do for anyone helps, if I try and do anything for myself I feel punished for it and I constantly am so beat down I  just want to be alone most of the time. I am tired of never knowing when I will wake up and she sees me as the Devil-piece-of-___-loser-unsupportive-huband or the Hero-amazing-husband-partner-support. If its the former I could spend every waking hour doing what she wants and be put down or insulted for it or if its the latter I can be the most amazing person in the world for doing what I normally do every day of my life. If I leave all I see is a depressing lonely existence because of the level of walls I will need to put up if that ever happens. But I am losing every ounce of energy to stay. Does it ever get easier?

[BurntOutFromBPD]

I posted previously about issues in my relationship and trying to decide if it is worth working on and continuing, not because I didnt want the relationship anymore but have been so burnt out and at the end of my rope physically, mentally and emotionally, I dont know if I have the energy to continue to weather the bad storms and enjoy the good days. After a number of fights and daily I left for a few days to get my head together and catch up on some rest.

I expected some sort of backlash or revenge for hurting her which was always inevitable. But things were relatively calm, she bought a new puppy which was very expensive but I let it go because it made her and our daughter happy and I wanted to show support. This morning though, I arrived to work with a barrage of text, how I havent stopped smoking after years of demanding and that "this is an ultimatum" basically to stop smoking and show support to her when she needs to vent (which usually involves an attack or rejection of me) and somehow a supportive husband is supposed to agree and be emotionally available to support all the personal constant attacks, put downs and blame directly at me for anything ever that has gone wrong. And because I didnt immedately support that view and suggested I see my counsellor today to talk about her concerns and how I can fix them.

Since then I have been sent lists of every single thing that has gone wrong and that I have not been there for or somehow the cause of and how selfish I am and never there for her. But the behaviour over the last few months has directly caused me to distance myself physically and emotionally. Its a self fulfilling prophecy. My counsellor and I got into an argument over todays session but I am admittedly pretty shut down right now and there is no current solution or things I can do that I havent already done many times before. I guess I can try and weather this again and wait it out until it splits back. I have never felt more alone to be honest, nothing I do for anyone helps, if I try and do anything for myself I feel punished for it and I constantly am so beat down I  just want to be alone most of the time. I am tired of never knowing when I will wake up and she sees me as the Devil-piece-of-___-loser-unsupportive-huband or the Hero-amazing-husband-partner-support. If its the former I could spend every waking hour doing what she wants and be put down or insulted for it or if its the latter I can be the most amazing person in the world for doing what I normally do every day of my life. If I leave all I see is a depressing lonely existence because of the level of walls I will need to put up if that ever happens. But I am losing every ounce of energy to stay. Does it ever get easier?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi BurntOutFromBPD,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad! You are not alone though! There are many of us here facing these same struggles... .so this is a good place to come and vent, or learn new techniques to try to improve communication, or ask questions... .as you need.

I can relate to being idealized/devalued. It is extremely painful and confusing. My brain can't quite wrap itself the idea that this may go on and on and on for as long as I can bear it... .I know how hard it is to figure this all out and make decisions about what to do.

May I ask, what were you arguing with your therapist about? What's wrong on that front?

Forgive me for not knowing your story better, how long have been together? How long have you recognized she has some serious issues?

with compassion, pearl.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Hi Pearl,

My therapist and I have been struggling to find a mutual ground recently. Because of past experiences where a previous therapist convinced me that my partner was a pwDBP, it changed my whole perspective. He told me everything that she would do before she did it and was almost always right, and very assertively pushed me into separation and divorce proceedings. I never felt comfortable with it and ended up attempting suicide and had to cut off the therapy.
My new therapist was suggesting from the very first session about leaving the relationship. I had a talk with what I wanted and what I didnt from the therapy, mainly that I didnt want any pressure to leave my relationship (if I did I wanted it to be my decision and be 100% ok with it). And that I wasnt looking for quick fixes or life solutions but wanted help with getting back to myself healthier happier and more confident to deal with the things I am dealing with. He cut me off telling me that I talked too much and needed to listen to his suggestions more. I shut down after that and he said he didnt know if he could help me anymore. This was the afternoon of the day my wife went on the out of the blue barrage of threats, ultimatums, accusations of being a bad husband and demands to immediately provide emotional support. I was not in a good headspace and still am not.

We have been together for almost 20 years, I always knew there were issues that would pass after a time but not until I saw the previously mentioned psychologist did I even learn what BPD was let alone suspect it. I have also suspected it in myself as I met a lot of the criteria and past childhood trauma issues. I told my new therapist that while I thought about leaving many times, the alternative to being alone and having to cut of ties in my life is even more depressing. But I dont want to continue to be treated like this. I just have no energy or drive to be able to continue to weather the storm. I dont discount my own mental health and past issues impacting the relationship and her behaviour. But its just such a huge mess. Thank you for responding.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

So I have now been blamed for every single thing wrong over the last 17 years, for every bad decision, for every problem she has ever had, she told me she has held onto all the feelings for this entire almost 20 year period and regrets ever staying with me on moral grounds. I have been called selfish, lying, immature, immoral, toxic, uncaring and unsupportive and that I need to support her emotionally in understanding and fixing all of the long list of things that I have or haven't done under threat of leaving immediately if I dont immediately stop everything (I dont know what everything is, seems to be just being myself, I have to stop being myself I guess).

I have gone back and read chapters of "Loving Someone with Personality Disorder". It keeps things in context when I am emotionally detached from the drama, but when I am inside of it I am finding it impossible to stay calm and weather the storm and constant loyalty tests. I dont think this is the right place for this post and I dont even know what I am trying to get out of it. Maybe just a sense that there is at least SOME people out there that get what I am going through. No one else in the world seems to understand what its like loving someone through these challenges. Even my counsellor dismissed what I said about possible BPD, said I talked to much about whats going through in my head, and if I am suicidal he cant really help with that. Sometimes that option is more and more enticing on days where I cant get through, or get out. I talk myself out of that headspace all the time, but cant seem to be able to seriously consider separation or divorce.

If this post is more appropriate in another board please move.