Almost 20 years of this has taken its toll

[shipyard]

I have been with my husband, who's pretty clearly BPD, for 19 years, married for 17. I've been dealing with the rages and attacks on my self-esteem and self-worth for years. I was able to deflect it for a long time, but the years have taken their toll. I am just so tired of the dance. I can't even get my thoughts together to properly introduce myself, but . . . I am reaching out as a first step. Just trying to connect with others who get it, who have been through it, and hopefully those who have made it through to a much better place.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

 

Hello shipyard,

22 years in myself, here, married only 2 (we're pretty backwards).

I know the years can take their toll, it's been a rough spring for us in my r/s.  I find this to be a good place to "talk" to others who are in similar situations and to simply not be judged for things like staying with a person I love, instead of leaving the minute BPD reared its ugly head.

Feel free to expand on your story, to lurk, and to comment as you like - your input is valuable, no matter who new you may feel. 

I will state that about 10 years back, things were really bad for my and my then-boyfriend-now-husband, and I found this site, and as I slowly made use of the tools, it really DID help.  I worked on me, my reactions to him, and on ways to do more than swallow all my own feelings, and things DID improve.  It will never erase BPD, but we can all help deal with it.

 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi shipyard, let me join isilme in welcoming you! Those of us here definitely get it. You are safe.

I think we as humans all at some time point reach our capacity. Coming here and sharing your story is a huge first step. More will follow.

And I'll second isilme in saying that posting on other threads is a fantastic way to gain context and build a support community. New members like yourself arrive almost every day.

Please share more details of your story with us. Is anyone in your life aware of the situation? Who can you go to for support?

~ROE

[snowglobe]

@shipyard,
Along with other members I want to welcome you to BPD family. 19 years is a long time for any couple to be together, with BPD in the mix it can feel longer and more strenuous. I encourage you to share with us, even in a short bullet form point, in case you feel overwhelmed. The reason I say it, in time will find it gets easier to share, all of the members here are struggling with someone BPD in their lives. I’ve been married for 15 years, 17 years together and it’s an up- heel battle all the way. I hope you will be able to take advantage of the amazing resources and the support of the seasoned member of the forum.

[rj47]

I was able to deflect it for a long time, but the years have taken their toll. I am just so tired of the dance. I can't even get my thoughts together to properly introduce myself, but . . . I am reaching out as a first step.

It gives me a heavy heart to read what you’ve written shipyard. I’ve been there as have so many others here. I imagine it’s incredibly difficult to put your situation into a context and meaning for people that can’t begin to understand the depths of the grief. Its almost inexplicable. Frustrating. Maddening even. Many of us internalized the fear and confusion and simply learned to suffer silently for years. The problem is we slowly lose our own minds over time trying to manage life in the eye of the hurricane. I went over twenty years almost believing I was the devil. The harder I tried to be a better man, the worse it got. I finally found my way to this community through the gentle suggestion of a marital counselor. The problems didn’t go away but at least I was no longer alone. There were others (a lot of others!) that understood, empathized, and engaged in the battle daily trying to be their best and learning from their mistakes. And, yes I think it’s a battle; not just for our partners but for ourselves. You made an important first step. Stick around, interact with others, and learn all you can. The information and tools offered here can be very useful. But, it was the shared experience of others here that provided the most value for me.

[shipyard]

What were some of the tools that were most effective for you?

I think my main issues right now are: (1) I become silent/withdraw when he starts attacking me because  if I try to assert myself/set boundaries he will just lash out more, and (2) when he gives me the silent treatment, I don't know if it's better to pretend he's not there (basically give him the silent treatment back), or to try to engage him. The latter option also scares me because he will also just take that as an opportunity to lash out at me.

So basically I suffer in silence until he breaks out of this phase (which he always does) and "comes back" to treating me like a normal human being. When we're in the negative cycle, I feel like I've lost all self-respect and feelings of self-worth.

Hello shipyard,

22 years in myself, here, married only 2 (we're pretty backwards).

I know the years can take their toll, it's been a rough spring for us in my r/s.  I find this to be a good place to "talk" to others who are in similar situations and to simply not be judged for things like staying with a person I love, instead of leaving the minute BPD reared its ugly head.

Feel free to expand on your story, to lurk, and to comment as you like - your input is valuable, no matter who new you may feel. 

I will state that about 10 years back, things were really bad for my and my then-boyfriend-now-husband, and I found this site, and as I slowly made use of the tools, it really DID help.  I worked on me, my reactions to him, and on ways to do more than swallow all my own feelings, and things DID improve.  It will never erase BPD, but we can all help deal with it.

 

[braveSun]

Hey shipyard   

I would like to join the others and welcome you too. I do tend to suffer in silence like you do, until my spouse comes back to treat me 'like a human' again. It's a tough place to be in.

The idea of withdrawal is that while you cannot control what your husband does, you can control what you expose your ears to. It's a way to take better care of yourself.

Can you share a bit on how it is an issue for you?

[Radcliff]

Welcome, shipyard!  You've come to just the right place to get help.  The tools you learn here can help make things better.  I've got you beat on years married and years together, by the way

Like you, I figured out some coping approaches on my own, but reading a couple of books on BPD and finding this site really opened a new world for me as I saw how some of the things I'd figured out and the new tools all fit together.  You said you've figured out that it doesn't work to fight back.  We call that 'justify, argue, defend, or explain”(JADE).  Avoiding JADE is the first beginner skill I like to encourage.

Withdrawing can be good, and can be bad.  If we withdraw to punish, or for an excessive period of time, it can be bad.  If we withdraw for a short period of time, in order to shield ourselves from harsh words that can be a good use of the boundaries tool.  An artful way to do this can be to say, "I'm finding myself feeling upset, I need to take a break.  I'm going to go on a short walk and will be back in twenty minutes."  Telling our pwBPD the amount of time we will be gone is intended to avoid triggering their abandonment fear, and we are making it seem like something we need for ourselves, not as punishment.  To learn more about boundaries as we teach them, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries.

Here's my response to the silent treatment.  If my wife is sitting in a certain room in the house, I'll leave her alone initially, especially if she has just lashed out.  I will find things to keep me busy in the house that give me an excuse to be in a variety of rooms, closer or farther away (picking up the house, putting away laundry, or other chores, for example).  Periodically I'll range closer to where she is, sometimes walking by her or saying something completely noncontroversial.  If she snaps, I let my chores take me farther away (so it appears like I'm busy and not emotionally hung up on what she's doing).  Eventually, she often will make a bid for my attention, and I can successfully engage.  Sometimes this pattern plays out over a couple of hours, sometimes a couple of days.  Her bid for attention is often not picture perfect.  It may come as a complaint, like "Why are you ignoring me" or an attack, but one that is much much milder than what she'd earlier been dishing out.  I won't apologize for ignoring her or disagree with her, but will answer with something like, "I'd be happy to sit with you," or "How about if I make chicken and broccoli for dinner?" to get things started.  The things I like about this approach are that I'm not letting myself be held hostage to her silent treatment, I'm living my life and getting things done, but I'm setting it up so that she has regular opportunities to end the silent treatment without losing face -- I'm not burdened with figuring out how to end it, or when.

How do you think these approaches might work for you?

WW