Newly Diagnosed: He's threatening to disappear with our son, I'm so lost

[JennyG]

My husband has just recently been diagnosed.  I have been suspecting for sometime, but unfortunately the diagnose did not come as a relief.  We have been together for almost 7 years and have a 4 year old together.  
Bout 4.5 years ago, my husband got himself into trouble and was looking at service some serious time.  While I was 9 month pregnant, he decided we needed to move right that moment to a whole other state and start over.  I was not on board but I had no other options and no other support.  He got off lucky with being about to be around for the birth and first three months and then he spend 45 days in jail.  After that it was a 3 year sober sentence and probation.  We have been living in washington, where marijuana is legal, but he was to be clean entirely.  The three years were not without their ups and downs but for the most part we created a decent lift together with out son.  Last June, he was released from probation and free to do as he pleases.  He started smoking pot straight out the gate, and not just a little here and there, but there was a constant stream of smoke coming from out apartment, while our some is in the residence.  This has been a constant battle because I believe that marijuana can do good things for a lot of people, but just not him.  I feel like it really messes with his ability to function and control his emotions.  I also see his motivation decline.  The fights got more intense, things started to get broken again, and he has no regard for the fact that out 4 year old is watching it all. I was being accused of cheating and the accusations have only gotten worse.  He goes through my phone and makes situations out of nothing.  He has me isolated who I talk to and I have deleted a couple of conversations out of fear that its going to send him into a tailspin. At the end of may, my husband broke his toe and was unable to wear his work boots... .which i guess constituted him to get short-term disability, for a whole month!  When that month was up he asked for it to be extended because of his mental health.  I was shocked!  This is a huge financial strain as he makes a significant amount more than I do.  He was not motivated at all to make sure all his short-term disability paper work which secures our insurance and the 60% pay that he would get.  Things have only gotten worse.  A couple of weeks ago I broke.  I can only do so much but seeing him do absolutely nothing and then still not spend anytime with out son, its driving me crazy!  I finally said what I had to say, after holding it in and walking on egg-shells for months.  Now I'm a pretty rational person, so when I loose my cool its a pretty big deal.  A few weeks ago, he went through my phone an read messages from a mutual friend about how frustrated I am and that I didn't know if I could continue this life.  This set him off.  My clothes were out on the porch, my one personal belonging that he knew how important is is, is now broken.  At that time i thought, hes not going to leave, and hes not going to let me leave with my son peacefully.  So I called the police for some assistance.  I didn't want him in trouble, but I did need to be able to get some things and leave since my things were the one on the outside porch.  I had every intention of not going back.  He went from screaming, to begging, to threatening to kill himself.  The next day I told him if he wanted to do dinner with our son fine but i think we need a few days.  That didn't fly... .it was back to yelling, threatening and then crying and the i'm sorrys.  I ended up going back, but its not the same.  I see him still not doing anything to help his situation and the way he expresses his frustrations go from A-Z before I even know what triggered it.  Today seem to be the last straw.  Our bedroom life has severely been lacking.  This has not gone unnoticed on my part and I get a reminder quite frequently from him.  I;m just having a hard time, the physical is connected to the emotional for me and I just can turn it on or off.  He was enraged this morning about it, now he doesn't love me, he hates me, he wouldn't care if i died, i'm disgusting, you name it, he probably said it to me.  The worst part is I have to work, because I am the only one supporting my family right now.  So he is at home with my son, saying all these things to me, while my son is seeing and hearing everything, and how hes threatening to disappear with out son.  I am so lost, heartbroken, and afraid, I don't know where to go from here... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi JennyG,



Glad that you found us, though sorry you have had to weather such storms in your life! There is a lot of information here that can provide you support during tough times and as you get a handle on just what you are dealing with. It helps to read various parts of the site, there is a lot here to learn, and to engage the community by also offering support to others when you can!

The story you mention about having to move so late in your pregnancy sounded especially tough! I am sorry you had to do that!

That's interesting that you say the fights were more intense because of the marijuana. I had a boyfriend who smoked pot daily and that was not easy to be around, but he was never angry while using it! Wow!

Given all you've described it is very concerning that he is threatening to disappear with your son. Often our partners say things that are outrageous and they would not carry through on, but I'd be concerned about this nevertheless. What did he say exactly that he would do?

I know what it is like to get raged at and I am sorry you had to hear such things. It's too bad too about your personal item that meant a lot to you was destroyed - so much going here!

I've also been there on the sex problems! Yikes! Someone treats you horribly, then wants sex, now, with no concern for your feelings and that just doesn't work.

Are you safe now? What happened after the police came?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi JennyG,

Welcome. I’m glad you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. You are in the right place. Many of our members have had similar experiences. We’re here to listen and support you. Having a relationship with someone with BPD comes with lots of difficult challenges that most people don’t understand. I assure you, we do understand.

Have you gone home from work yet? Was your husband and son still there? Are you and your son safe? Safety has to be the first concern. Please let us know how you are doing when you’re able.

  L2T