Estranged from adult daughters family for 8 months

[hope2015]

My daughter is married 31 with 2 children ages 3 and 1. We have had a difficult relationship. There have been times when she does not speak to me for months but this is the first time since she had her children. Her father and I divorced in 1992. She was used by her father to try to put the family back together. He is still hoping for that to happen even though I have been remarried for 22 years. He has been married 3 times since our divorce. I had both of my children in counseling for years. My son 33, made his own mind up about his fathers character when he was 16 and is doing well today. My daughter would show signs of eating disorders and cut herself when she was a teenager. She was finally diagnosed with BPD in 2012 after a suicide attempt. She spent 2 months at a rehab for addiction to prescription drugs and alcohol. When she had her first child she let me back in her life full time. I formed a very close attachment to my granddaughter. She would often call me when she was stressed and I would go to get the baby for the day or overnight to give her a break. I was happy to help her. I was walking on eggshells with her always. Her 2nd child was born in 2017 and I was there to help, keeping both kids 2 or 3 times a month whenever she needed a break. In January this year, I was at her house and out of nowhere she started verbally attacking me about things that happened years ago mostly regarding her father. He is still hurt and she is his advocate. She has not responded to me or my husband and her husband will not talk to us either. I am concerned about her lack of coping skills and worried about her kids. The pain of losing contact with my grandchildren is hard to deal with daily.  My house was a safe secure place for them to come and rest and play. I still see their huge smiles whenever they would hear they were going with Nana. Trying to accept this reality.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Hope2015 and welcome.

Posts like yours resonate with me.  Many times over the years, we have been estranged from our daughter.  She first ran away when she was 12 and when she got too old for that, she started cutting us out of her life.  The pain was great but when the estrangements happened after the grandchildren arrived, the pain was so much greater.

Oh, by-the-way, our uBPD daughter is 52 now and our grandchildren are 26/28 and we are estranged yet again.  This time, though, it is us who are making sure it continues... .until she agrees to joint counselling.  Her verbal abuse was escalating to the point where a counsellor told us to be aware that verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse and us coming to the point where we are less and less able to protect ourselves.  Sad, huh?

Saying words like "if only" are a waste of time.  With that said... .if only I had known earlier of the "tools" to use with someone who exhibits BPD behaviours... .maybe... .just maybe... .our relationship with her would not be what it is today.

Of course, all of us here have different stories but there are some links.

I, myself, come from a broken home and I remember wanting my parents to reconcile.  My mother, like you, was able to move on... .my father, like your ex, was not.   Before I became an adult and reflected on the dysfunction that was our family, my sympathies were with my father.  Seems your daughter is stuck in that mode.

I urge you, Hope2015, to do your homework.  Read "Tools" to the right and work on putting them into practice.  Change does not happen overnight so don't get discouraged as you work on making changes.  Stay as calm as you can.  YOU are the only one you can change but any shift you make is felt by others... .and they have to re-adjust.  Your daughter is wanting you to hurt and all the better for her if you react.

Welcoming you again, Hope2015.  Hope you find this forum as being a continued support in the journey you are on with your daughter.   You are certainly not alone in your troubles.  It is so good for others to read your posts and it is good for you to reach out and give support to those in need.

((HUGS)  from one grandmother to another.

Huat

[Feeling Better]

Hello hope2015

I would like to join Huat in welcoming you here and to say how sorry I am to hear that you have been cut off from your grandchildren, how devastating that must be for you. My uBPD son cut me off about eighteen months ago and I am still coming to terms with it. I know how painful this can be, I suppose in some ways I am lucky that there are no grandchildren involved. Yet. It must be so distressing for your grandchildren wondering where their Nana is. My heart goes out to you 

You say that there have been other times before she had the children when she did not speak to you for months, is this the longest that she has gone without speaking?

I agree with what Huat has written... .“if only”. Yes, if only I too had realised sooner what tools are available to help communicate with someone who has BPD, then maybe I would be telling a different tale right now, but sadly I hadn’t even heard of BPD until it was too late. Huat has guided you to the right place, TOOLS and LESSONS to the right 
and also she has pointed out the benefits of reading and participating in other members’ threads. We all support each other here.

I look forward to hearing more from you hope2015 x 

[hope2015]

Thank you both for your responses and understanding. There have been longer times that I have not heard from my daughter before she had her children. After not hearing from her for about a year she had a friend call me that she had been arrested when pulled over for a broken tail light. There had been a warrant for her arrest from assaulting a girl in a physical fight. I paid her legal fees to take care of that. A year later, when she told me she was getting married and begged me to plan her wedding with her I was so naive and hopeful that this would be our chance to finally get to the mother daughter relationship I prayed for. We planned for a year and whatever she wanted I paid for it, over 8k, and one month before the wedding after the invitations were mailed out we had a blowup. She said her dad refused to come to the wedding if I was there. He and his then wife were invited. I had no problems whatsoever with them being there and in all the pictures but he refused to come. All the plans we made together we canceled. He took over and she had a little wedding with about 40 people, none of her family was there on my side or her dads side except for his oldest daughter from a previous marriage. After her wedding she did not speak to me for about 3 years. I was texted by her father that she had overdosed and that's how she ended up in the rehab for 2 months in 2012. I went to her and helped her through that. She told the therapist there that she would agree to counseling with me but I was never invited. This verbal attack on me at her house in January in front of her 3 yr old daughter was over the fact that ... .I did not attend her wedding. None of us went to her wedding because we were not invited and no one knew where it was until after it was over. Its been a no win situation with her for years and now I have to look after myself and my husband. We have both been depressed over this estrangement from the grandchildren but its out of our control.  I will look at the tools for coping better. Thank you again. I feel this is the best place to be for a better understanding of the situation.

[Feeling Better]

hope2015, we all reach a point where we say “enough is enough” and I think it sounds like you and your husband have reached that point. It took me a long, long time to reach that point and I am still work in progress on it. One of the hardest things is recognising when there is no more that we can do, it goes against the grain to let go of our children like this when all we want to do is love them and be there for them.

It is no wonder that both you and your husband are feeling depressed over this recent estrangement, these things do take their toll on us as I very well know.

Keep sharing hope2015, things do get better x 

[Huat]

Hello again, Hope2015.

It is posts like yours that keep me putting my fingers on the keyboard, reaching out to give a hug.

I echo all of what Feeling Better writes.  The part where she writes... ."One of the hardest things is recognizing when there is no more that we can do, it goes against the grain to let go of our children ... ."  ... .I will add to that... .it was so liberating for me when I did.  That is not to say it happened over night... .nor is it to say I gave up being my daughter's Mother.  Even at my ripe old age of 75, I have lessons to teach my 52-year-old daughter and one of the most important is that you never let yourself succumb to bullying.  I was her victim for so long, reacted to each and every hurtful barb she found in her arsenal and then threw in my direction.

It was a long time in coming for me to realize that, for the most part, there is no reasoning with someone who exhibits BPD behaviours.  It is a waste of time to try.  In other words, don't JADE... .don't Justify, Argue, Defend, nor Explain.  Work, instead, on putting into practice Tools (as seen on the right) .  It is much more constructive and empowering for... .you.

Oh yes, the estrangements hurt, a raw hurt... .especially when those innocent grandchildren are used as pawns, trump cards against us.  My grandchildren are now 26/28... .both have different fathers.  Because of the "magic" my daughter was able to pull off with them, neither has/wants contact with their fathers... .nor those families... .nor us, the grandparents who were called upon time and time again to be their surrogate parents because our daughter became a single parent.  As a matter of fact, seems they don't even like each other.  How sad is all that, huh?

Well, Hope2015, I hear you and I do recognize your pain.  I do not mean to sound flippant when I say you can rise above it... .and there can be better tomorrows.   I speak from my experience.   Participating on this forum has helped in my healing.  As Feeling Better puts it... ."I am still a work in progress... ."... .but the key word is "progress".

Once again I direct your attention to the right  ... .Lesson 2... ."If your current approach is not working, change it."  You can't change your daughter... .nor your ex... .nor anyone... .but you can change you.  The change in your script causes them to alter theirs.

I, too, hope you keep sharing Hope2015.  We will help walk you through this and, in turn, you are going to be able to help others.

Huat