Made himself sick by getting angry

[isilme]

Well, instincts were good that last night was going to be bad, just had no idea of the catalyst.

We got through the day okay.  Not too much, just him letting me know he was feeling easily triggered, having a hard time no focusing on things that make him angry.  Ok, I'm warned, try to make sure about no JADEing, lots of validation, think we were doing okay.  We were going to offload a desk that was taking up space and adding to clutter, things were looking ok for a walk, and had dinner planned out.

Get home - front doorknob won't turn.  Keys worked.  :)eadbolt unlocked.  :)oorknob unlocked.  It just will not turn.

Try my keys, try his keys, can't force it, the bolt part of the knob is just not moving.

Call the first locksmith google can give me, only works on cars.  several other numbers are no longer in service.  Call the police, hoping they can share a house-type locksmith's number.  They are snarky instead, 'It's not like we have keys to the whole town."  "Sir, I HAVE my key, the lock is just stuck.  "Well, we can break the door down if you like."  

H is just barely holding it together because he is outside and he manages to not lose it (usually) in public.  He finally goes around back, a struggled to get into the back door(thank goodness I have been cleaning - usually that door has a lot more crap piled against it since we don't use it.).  He confirms the lock is unlocked but the know won't turn.  I ask if he can remove the knob - he tries, but the anger has started so he is no longer rational.  It does not come off like it should - I've taken plenty of doorknobs off doors, and put in new ones, and know that you should be able to remove the handles and use a screwdriver to pull the bolt in, so the door can open.  If it's not jammed/stuck.  Which it was.  He resorts to beating it with a hammer (not going to help ) and not talking to me about what is going on.

I can't hear him, he's not communicating what is going on, I ask if he needs me outside to help somehow pulling on the knob from outside (it did not come out like it should once unscrewed from the inside knob.  Random things, frantic jiggling, shaking.  Shouting.  :)emands for a carpenter immediately.  Sounds of pain.  Telling me I am too fat to make it in the back door so I can just stay outside since I obviously broke it.  Yelling at me to stop shouting at him through the door (I was not, but anything I say when he's like this is shouting).  

I give up out front, squeeze in just fine from the back, and try to take a look.  Yes, it's stuck.  I think a hacksaw or Dremel might manage to get the old lock out so we can buy a new one, he won't let me use them.  Yells at me for daring think I am "so smart" stomps around.  Just totally irrational and volatile.  Managed to hit a point where he "gives up" and goes to play a video game 5 feet away, while I struggle with getting the door sorted so I can go buy a new lock and put it in.  

After struggling for about 30 minutes, the MRI trip friends ask if we're going for a walk as planned.  I tell them no, our door broke, trying to fix it.  I also have ot tell lady picking up desk that I am delayed but will message her when it's outside.  

H gets mad at me for not being able to get the lock/knob out of the door.  Tells me to take it off its hinges, makes fun of me for still working on it "so smart".  So, I get the top and bottom hinge pins loose, the middle one is a bitch and no matter I can't get it out.  Mind you, he is playing a damn game, and I am trying to keep this from escalating.  He insists on trying on the middle hinge, hurts himself with the hammer several times (so had I), but finally, finally, we get them out.  Now, I think he jumped the gun and pulled them all, so there was all this weight on the hinges, so when I went out to push the door in, it would not budge.  I had an idea of what was neede,d but I needed H to listen to implement it (crowbar under door to help with weight).  He was not listening.  

There are no "handy men".  There was no professional type person to call.  I finally ask the friends if they know someone I CAN call (the husband's dad is a contractor), and they insist on coming over to help.  H freaks, then claim he doesn't care, I stop caring, tell them to beware, he's angry, but yes, if you can come to look, I'd appreciate it.  The wife has her own tantrums it sounds like, so none of this seemed to phase them.  

(So I guess find another BPD couple?  Everyone?  Maybe it's a good thing?)

Anyway.  H resigned himself to them coming.  He demanded I get the desk out anyway and then went to put on nicer house clothes.  I was still in the shambles of my pencil skirt and work clothes.  I change, clear the path to the back door, get the desk out, along with a few other items to donate with it (fundraiser garage sale).  Friends come, H calms the EFF down, and we get the door off with the crowbar method and me kicking from out front again.  The wife and I go buy a new set of locks, and the person at Lowes even offered to help us key them to my house key so H would not need to change his keychain.  The husband tells H that these locks all fail at some point, showing him no one jacked with our door.  And convinces H I do not need to go buy a brand new door.

The husband and I install the new locks, all is well enough.  I need to buy the wife some sparkly fabric she wants as a thank you (she does not know I'm doing it).  

H is now in the "I got angry and hate myself" mode.  He also physically hurts after that much rage.  

He ate late, he exerted himself just trying to get the door off, and he exerted himself by being soo angry.  H is now feeling like he had the flu, from all of it

I am fine, mostly.  Kinda sad.  At only one time was I worried about being in harm's way, and it was like he realized it and stepped back.  Mostly today I am worried/anxious over the down in th dumps/useless feelings he has, plus the shame at losing his temper, and the phsyically poor feelings that come with that.

I can't not ask for help even if it hurts his feelings, can I?  :)id I do wrong both by letting the fiends know ride would be welcomed and that I welcomed help with the door?  I work so hard to not undo any feelings of self-worth H can cobble together, but I can't help it if he loses patience too fast to actually solve a problem and it's not a one-person fix, and it can't wait till he's centered and calm and can listen to me.  I have managed many times to fix things or change tires, or whatever on my own after he's stormed off, but I could not this time.  

And the driving to my MRI, well, if it was that important that he shows he can do those things for me, why did he not tell me, "I can learn the way" or "can you program the Garmin tonight in case you need me to drive?"  when I mentioned I may not be able to navigate for him.  He did none of this.  I am worth him feeling he should make the effort, but not the actual effort   

He may realize on some level that I do a lot and that I may need help or be tired, stressed, sick... .but it never seems to click that the ONLY WAY for this to change is for him to DO MORE.  Sure, I can lay on the couch and skip the store on Sunday if I feel terrible.  But I still need to go Monday, then, cuz food doesn't' come magically to the house.  :)ishes don't wash themselves.  Trash does not take itself out of all containers magically and walk itself to the curb.  The cats can't scoop their own box.  

I know he is struggling with feeling useless and unmanned due to his illnesses, but at the same time, I don't think he HAS to be useless.  I think he is wallowing, and my concern is always going to be there, but my pity/patience is wearing a little thin.  I am tired.  I am trying to take better care of me, and that means if I need help, I need help.  I just read the spoon theory about chronic illness, and I can see how it applies to H as far as being active outside of obligations.  Like work uses so many spoons you have none left to later.  But I feel the same way.  I am not trying to unman him.  I just can't sit back and wait for him all the time.  I needed the damn door repaired enough to lock it so we could go to sleep, and gain so I could make it to work.  There is no magic handyman in town.  I don't have a dad to call, or brothers, or a handy mom or sister.  I have NO family.  This is not helpful.  We barely ask his brother to keep an eye on our house when we go out of town, and even then, are not sure they actaully do it.  There was no other way to get the stupid thing fixed wehn his solution was to just hit it.

Sigh.  I want to go home and sleep.  He is in toxic shame mode, and will likely be testy, trying to blame me for his shame.  We have a birthday to attend tongiht, I ahve no idea what we will do - go home and skip it, go and I get a headache at their house indoor/outdoor pets).  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi islime,

Short answer: Go the birthday. Get out. Enjoy life to the fullest even with its shortcomings. You can rest later. A new event/experience helps put the bad one behind you. Going home early to sleep can be done anytime. Just my two cents!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[isilme]

Going home early to sleep can be done anytime

But no, it can't.   

I cannot express how tired I am.  I have very few feelings anymore.  Just tired.  I never feel refreshed, well slept.  Just tired.  Just "I need to move, can't stay in bed all day" dear God I don't care about eating tired.  I don't feel super happy, just tired.  Looking at yesterday, I am sad but mostly tired.  I feel like Superman, wearing a necklace of Kryptonite, still struggling to keep a train from falling.  I am on the verge of crying right now, thinking about how tired I am.  But even going home there is no guarantee I could even get to sleep no matter how much I want. 

And their house literally lays me up after a few hours due to the allergens, no matter how much Benadryl I take on top of my other allergy meds.  I have to not sit down, especially not on any couches - just the hard, stiff hardwood chairs.  I can't touch anything and never touch my face and I can maybe last about 2 hours max, washing my hands every few minutes - I can postpone the attack a bit, but it's happened the last few times there.  These people want you there from 6pm till 2am.  we get out of work at 5, so can't even make it by 6.  They are extroverts.  The suck energy from others, so I am sitting there dying, and they are bouncing off the walls, waiting to play Card Against Humanity, a game I hate.  I memorized the cards by accident the first time I played.  It's crude and boring to me, but it's their favorite.  I lose energy being around them.  But, it hurts their feelings for us to not come over.  So we will likely go and try to leave early.  They DO try to be good friends, but they are on the "user" side and don't realize it. 

If it was a simple "let's meet for dinner' I can manage.  It never is. They never want to spend money to eat out, which I understand, they have 2 kids, and just put an addition onto their house.  Which I am sure they'd like us to see.  Another reason we will likely go. 

So, if I go, I will likely not have rest tonight.  I will have a BAD headache tonight, not "just" the tingly tender, weird stabby headaches I've already got - that is annoying to be sure, but at least not as alarming now that the MRI shows my brain is not (so far) damaged by it.  I will be laid up, can't open my eyes, can't even sleep because it hurts too bad, but the only way to get rid of it is to sleep kind of bad.  No rest to be had bad.  I got one last weekend after the whole MRI day to town.  I could not read, I could not have my eyes open, it hurt.  I may still have it through tomorrow to Sunday. 

Even with the "normal" lower level pains, last night I could not find how to put my head on my pillow comfortably to get to sleep.  I am finding ways to hang my head so it's not touching anything.  Not super comfortable, but not feeling like I am sleeping on a big bruise. 

And we have other friends coming from 10 hours away tomorrow - we only get to see them every few years.

I will spend all of tomorrow cleaning for their arrival, then the evening entertaining.  The new medication is hit or miss - and I only get 9 doses a month.  9.  And you can only take one a day, so if it doesn't knock it out, too bad.  I've had a headache event 25 of the last 29 days, so I am about 14 does shy of even hoping to be pain-free - when it works it's good.  I am holding off from using one now, for the party if we go, so I can take it there and hope to God it works and is not too late into the pain progression. 

Sunday - catch up on chore day, groceries, mow the back lawn if it's not storming because the backyard is already knee-high since I've "let it go so I can rest" because I could not manage both front and back on the 4th of July - I got worn down and pass-out tired Wednesday just doing the front.  Jelly arm tired. 

Laundry, things I need so I can go to work Monday - change and wash sheets to fight my insomnia and allergies. 

Monday-Friday -work.  Cook, clean as much as I can on a work night to keep things from getting worse, try to exercise to keep the weight coming off, and to fight depression and insomnia.   

So every day for me is "you can rest later."  But when?  It will be next week before I can plan on any appreciable rest.  So going to a birthday tonight is not sounding fun right now, with a level 2-3 headache sitting here, scared of a level 7 or more. 

And most of this is just how I feel.  This is even talking about also having H there and his messed up feelings. 
H's mood is not wanting to be around people right now as it is.  He is likely feeling ashamed, he does not seem to be able to feel much else.  So he will be on edge, expecting me to read his mind, likely wanting to pick a fight so I can be a bad guy about the door and everything else making him mad/sad.  And he has legitimate health issues on top of his emotions which exaggerate his legitimate health issues. 

So, I'd rather this birthday was at least next week.  Not stacked with the visit from the other friends. 

[pearlsw]

Hi islime,

So, it was more of rhetorical question?

What did you end up doing?

Hope you are doing well!

I hear ya, if I go to the home of someone with cats it feels like I've caught a cold! Ugh!

One thing I've learned: the date of a birthday (or any occasion) can be moved! If it's better on another day just move it.

warmly, pearl.

[isilme]

One thing I've learned: the date of a birthday (or any occasion) can be moved! If it's better on another day just move it.

It was not my birthday or event, so, no, I can't just move it.    

Sorry - I was really really in a bad place on Friday - still feeling crappy today, but I got a little rest finally yesterday by skipping out on the store - not enough "spoons".  Guess I am using the curbside service again tonight.  Head is still prickling, hurting, had trouble putting it on a pillow every night this weekend, and had to use my 5th does of medication Friday night to not need to go lie down, but at least we were not subjected to the allergins at the friends' house.

We did not go.  Both of us get sick at their house, something about it hits us both hard and H was not feeling great, either, on top of the aftermath of the door freak out.  He felt the same as me, if it was a go-meet-for-dinner-at-another-location thing, we could have managed, but going to their house just makes us both sick - how do you tell anyone that?  It's not a dirty house, it's got to be the animals bringing in pollen and rubbing it into the furniture, making a pollen/dander mix.  They don't smoke inside.  Or these house has something in the walls.  I don't know.  It's not just them, but the other people whose homes I can stay in long were NOT terribly clean. 

We ended up instead eating a quick dinner with a different set of 4 friends on this side of town at a place close to home, and they came over to our house for a quick not-cards-against-humanity nerd card game (MTG).  Thank goodness our house was not in terrible terrible shape (I'd known the Dallas friends were coming, and have been trying to get things scrubbed and cleared throughout the week to get ahead of things), so cleaning it quickly Friday before dinner meant less to do Saturday.  Being at home meant no super headache to fight, and that was good.

I feel bad, I think the birthday girl is upset we did not go (we did not promise we'd make it, nor advertise we did anything else that night), even though she knows H's health ahs been dicey for the last 2 years, and that I just had an MRI for chronic migraines since winter, and I'd mentioned in a PM that any day it rains I am likely to be laid up or unable to leave the house.  At my house, I can control the temperature, I have access to "comfort items" like a hat that sometimes helps, have access to lots of water, and even if people are over, if I need to I can go lie down if H is up to continuing to entertain.  And I don't need to worry about trying to drive with the aura happening.  It sucks, but I realize that we invite people over partly because it's a lot less stressful to clean my house but know it's not going to trigger me, than to risk going to someone else's. 

H was surprisingly ok this weekend.  We have been clearing stuff out of the 2nd bedroom "office" to make it more functional and less storage.  We have to assemble a bookcase to move some items to the living room.  Usually, this can trigger a rage.  He was good.  Even when we discovered the manufacturers forgot to drill in 2 holes, and I had to get out the drill for him to put them in, he did not lose it.  He expressed irritation, but not the level he usually would.  And we got it together and assembled and into position in less than an hour.  And he seemed to enjoy finally being able to go through his collection of print items, and get them ready to be cataloged (he works in a library, books and movies and songs are cataloged).  He even let me go take a nap so I'd have some energy for our guests. 

Yesterday, he was okay, except for one time when he prevented me from doing dishes because he wanted help with fixing a MTG card game deck for a friend.  He got balky and I figured a sink of dirty dishes was okay if it got the deck finished do he'd eat. 

I put him on some B vitamins, hoping they'd help increase his energy, and maybe elevate his mood.  Maybe it's working.  We find out his results from his urine screening a month back this week, so maybe we will finally have some treatment plan for the kidney stones, and then I can maybe focus on getting my head sorted. 

One of the friends who came over this weekend wants me to try high blood pressure meds, anti-seizure meds, or antidepressants to prevent my migraines - can't quite get her to understand my mom's substance abuse issues and my fear of almost all Rx meds.  If it helps and causes little to no side effects I can consider it.  But my blood pressure average low (which seems to be a trigger for some people FOR migraines).  I don't want to take something for seizures I don't have, and antidepressants did weird things to my body. 

Anyway - here' hoping this week is better than last.  Damn, I had a question to ask everyone regarding their BPD SOs, but it's gone.  There was some causation/correlation question I had last night.  Will start a new post if it comes back.