Sometimes I miss what she says

[shyguy9]

There's a similar thread in another board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143568.0, but my SO doesn't have speech pattern issues, also that board is not for discussions on relationship tools;  I'm starting a new one because I am interested in learning and applying tools to help with the situation.

I'll also briefly introduce myself and my situation, since this is my first post:

In a long-term relationship (4 yrs), we live together but aren't interested in marriage or kids. we take care of a 2 yr old rescue dog (who is lovely).  Overall our situation is much more mild than a lot of others here, since my partner is a relatively "high-functioning" pwBPD (no violent outbursts or real shouting matches). Very very thankful for that. At the same time, we have rough spots and I deal with FOG.  I'm interesting in bettering but at the same time, admittedly conflicted about staying in the relationship.  I push back against an inner dialogue that tells me I should leave her so i can get on with my ambitions around work.  I question the morality of giving up on a nurturing, domestic family situation in favour of feeding "my obsession with technology and code and music".  I only work part-time, but i enjoy work and crave doing more.  I tell myself that i'm in a period of self-betterment and learning to take better care of my SO, so it's worth putting in this time for us and the pup.  It's a lot less lonely and i'm better at cooking.  i am content where i am, although there are underlying tones of sadness, but that might have been going on for longer than our relationship, in all honesty.  I should be thankful that they are just underlying tones, no doubt.

The issue: Sometimes, I don't hear what my partner says.  It could be for a lot of reasons, for instance: I might be distracted by something else, she might be talking too quietly, there might be other louder sounds that obscure her words.  Sometimes I actually don't care but i'm too scared to say so, and I try to force myself to listen, but fail.  Whatever the reason is, she's told me that when I don't hear her, it makes her feel like I don't care, as though I'm not listening on purpose, and i'm not interested in what she's saying.

When this happens, I often ask her to repeat herself, but it pains me to do this because I know that she is thinking and feeling the effects of me not being interested / not caring.  I'll admit that sometimes I choose to avoid that feeling for her, and just pretend like I am hearing her, or not respond at all.  I'm sure more often than not, she catches on and knows i'm faking it.  I don't want to do this, but sometimes i slip - I know that it's a bad habit i've developed .

I'm quite sure it's better for me to be honest about not hearing, and show her that I DO care by asking her to repeat herself.  The problem is that this also hurts for her, because she knows that I missed what she said, and that means I don't care about what she's saying, which means i don't care about her, and all of that kind of thing... .

From experience, I've learned that there are better or worse ways to ask her to repeat herself, for instance:

- if i heard a part of what she said but not all, I should help her out by making it clear that I heard "everything before X" , that way she doesn't have to worry about the possibility that I missed everything, and she has to repeat more than she needs to

- if i think that she said something in particular but i'm not totally certain, I should avoid repeating back to her what my guess is.  Because if i'm wrong (and oftentimes I am) then I'm putting words in her mouth, and if it doesn't make any sense in context to what she's talking about, then it becomes evident in her mind that I don't care enough about what she's saying to figure out that my guess makes no sense.  The problem is that sometimes i'm pretty certain i heard her right, but I didn't


I guess I have two questions for the community here:

1) What kind of techniques can I use to ask her to repeat herself when I miss something, to minimize her perception that I don't care?

2) When this results in a conflict, should I admit that I did something wrong by missing something she said, or am I kind of digging myself into a hole by tolerating / validating her negative feeling?  Being honest with myself, I usually don't believe that it's my fault for not hearing her, especially when she's talking at a low volume.  That said, I do think I have a tendency to be distracted, and i'll say "sorry, I got distracted" but i don't really know I could apologize in a meaningful way (ie. i apologize for X, and I'll do Y to try to make it better for next time) I can say I'll pay more attention all I want, but at the end of the day I just zone out sometimes.  I am practicing meditation to help me be more mindful, but i'm not sure what else would also help

I know this has been long, but I think a lot of the times when I'm distracted I can be lost in my own thoughts.  I'll daydream about things I want to get done on my own (ie work on hobbies, make plans with friends).  I suspect that the more I make time for myself and take care of my needs in life, the more I'll be able to be there and fully show up for her when I'm with her.  We live together, and sometimes it's hard for me to take enough time for myself, because it's riddled with guilt (but that's another topic

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[pearlsw]

Hi shyguy9,

You remind me of an exercise we did in a Sociology class in college... .We would sit facing another person and take turns really listening to each other. We would take turns, not listen ahead in terms of preparing a reply, but just be present and listen. To be honest, if I was you... .I would work on ways to show her you are really listening, because from a typical female perspective, if you aren't listening... .why am I with you at all? That's how big of a deal listening is for us.   

Women really crave being listened to. (I am sure men do as well... .) But for women I can say that this kind of bonding and connection is pretty crucial. It is okay that you aren't great at it now, a lot of men aren't you'd hear most women say, so you don't strike me as a horrible outlier on this, just a typical guy.

But, to enhance the quality of the relationship with her you are gonna have to up your game on this and be willing to start all over again from a new place with this. If what you are doing doesn't work, toss it and start fresh. Dedicate yourself to being a great listener. Get as excited/into listening as you do other things, that way it won't be miserable for you. This can be as much of a connection and bond as sex is, and you may find if you do this well, a nice side benefit, would be that your sexual connection could improve too. Just sayin'.  If a woman feels listened to she will be more... .interested and excited to be with you in every way.

Just my two cents... .

with compassion, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Backing up a bit, how do you do on the listening skill in general, once she has your attention?  Have you mastered the art of sitting and actively listening to a woman, without necessarily offering to fix any problems, just letting her express her emotions?  There are definitely special issues around BPD, but I found as a guy I entered the relationship with only modest listening skills and had to get really good at it.  Where I'm going with this is that in addition to looking at specific instances where she doesn't hear you, you may want to broaden your approach to make sure she feels heard by you as much as possible in the relationship.  How would you say things are going in that regard?

WW

[spacecadet]

Hi Shyguy9, I appreciate you for looking at yourself and identifying this area of personal growth, plus committing to it in actions. I agree with a couple things Pearls said:

Women really crave being listened to. (I am sure men do as well... .) But for women I can say that this kind of bonding and connection is pretty crucial. It is okay that you aren't great at it now, a lot of men aren't you'd hear most women say, so you don't strike me as a horrible outlier on this, just a typical guy.

But, to enhance the quality of the relationship with her you are gonna have to up your game on this and be willing to start all over again from a new place with this. If what you are doing doesn't work, toss it and start fresh. Dedicate yourself to being a great listener. Get as excited/into listening as you do other things, that way it won't be miserable for you. This can be as much of a connection and bond as sex is, and you may find if you do this well, a nice side benefit, would be that your sexual connection could improve too. Just sayin'.  If a woman feels listened to she will be more... .interested and excited to be with you in every way. 

As someone in communications and with a performing arts background, I'll add that MOST of us can afford to learn so much more about how to listen well, and even people who are pretty good at it continue to flub and learn (if we're inclined to learn). It's a lifelong journey. It comes down to practice, and learning to listen smarter. There are many techniques to be learned from books, one of my favorites is "The Art of Empathy" by Karla McLaren. Some initial thoughts:

If you don't hear her and want her to repeat, how about "I missed your last comment and really want to hear it." Do you have trouble "filtering" sounds in a room? I do, so sometimes in a noisy restaurant I'll share this so people know if I ask them to repeat it's just a mechanical miss, not a lack of interest on my part.

Listening includes body language. If she's talking with you and you are distracted, try turning head or body towards her, looking at her eyes and features - I don't mean staring necessarily, but scan her face for signals of her emotions. Since 95% or so percent of communication is body language, if we're not looking at the speaker we miss a lot.

Active listening. This includes mirroring back what you believe she's saying to you, and checking back with her to verify, e.g. "it sounds like you're concerned about visiting your family this weekend, am I understanding you?" Then ask follow up questions to draw her out. "What is your biggest fear, what do you think might happen?" etc.

Listen below the surface, hear with your heart. Often we'll talk around what's really bothering us. Since someone w/BP issues is really afraid of abandonment, she's probably often testing your steadfastness. Four years in is pretty much where the honeymoon "best us" is gone entirely and the people who remain are both of your authentic selves. So... .does the real you love the real her?

As Pearlsx said, for a woman being heard, feeling heard, is extremely romantic, an aphrodisiac. And many people never even realize how little they do it so you're ahead of the game right now.