Moving on from a BPD ex

[toughday]

Hi all

I've never posted on a site like this for any help before in my life. My story seems so similar to lots of people on here that i'm not sure its even worth posting but i am a bit lost right now so just reaching out really.

I split from my exgf about 5 months ago after being together for 2 years. for the last 6 months we lived together, I have only recently discovered about BPD and the moment i saw the condition it just clicked immediately. I had always known something wasn't quite right but i was in hook line and sinker and like a lot of people am quite codependent so despite my friends telling me i deserved to be treated better my low self worth wouldn't allow me to leave. The thing that i'm really struggling with is moving on. She decided to to end the relationship after my behaviour started to change. i no longer recognised the person in the mirror. I was just a shell. Two years of stress, verbal attacks (and one physical too), put downs and very subtle cold brush offs had left me broken and my behaviour changed. I became mean to her and she asked me to leave. The break up was stressfull. Her behaviour became so destructive that i almost felt i wasn't even part of the arguments. She would just lose it despite anything i did. or even if i did nothing it felt like she was arguing with herself.

Since the break from jan to april she was just horrific. Telling me i was the reason she was going to die alone and i had ruined her life and i didn't realise how ___ed up i was. i would just stay calm and tell her i loved her always secretly hoping she would forgive me. Then She said she wanted no contact which i stuck too, she then twice got back in touch saying she wanted to stay in contact and leave the door open for a reconciliation. We had a few dates although no intimacy of any kind and they went really well it was the GF of old, she cared and i felt like my old self and i dared to hope that it might improve and we could get back together. Since then she has been avoiding me and saying she is busy for the next two months till i had to take something of hers back to the house and she lost her ___ at me and accused me of using the situation to get back in her life and the house (like i would just grab the sofa and refuse to let go!) and i had my chance and i blew it. That was two weeks ago. ive now realised that this can never work. Learning about BPD has woken me up to the reality that it isn't me. Yeah my behaviour changed but it took time and a lot of verbal attacks for it to happen.

The problem is she owes my some money and still has some of my stuff. I'm going to ring her tonight to say that we need to go completely no contact and arrange for things to be sorted out. But i am finding it so hard to do.I miss her more than i have ever missed anyone, yet she was horrible to me at times. Its the weeks of happiness inbetween the chaos that make it so hard. I dont think she will say it but if she asked me back i think i would go despite everything i know and what i have experienced.

Sorry if this is rambling its kind of where i'm at right now. I'm scared to call her. How can that be. i am so confused by my feelings and also by hers. BPD is quite the he*d*u*k!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey toughday, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar and lots of us on this Board have been in your shoes, so you are not alone.  How did you happen to hear about BPD?  For most, it is under the radar.  Leaving a BPD r/s is somewhat like quitting an addiction in the sense that on one level you know it's unhealthy but on another level you still want to participate in it.  That's normal and to be expected, my friend.  Five months is a relatively short time after a two-year r/s, so I suggest you cut yourself some slack.  Don't beat yourself up!  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome because most BPD relationships are not built to last, in my view.

Let us know what you are struggling with the most and we can help.  You have come to a great place.

LuckyJim

[toughday]

Thanks Lucky Jim i'm glad i found this place!

Its the nagging thought that i could have perhaps behaved differently and we would have been able to make it work thats getting to me, She is in therapy now although not for BPD (she is undiagnosed) just general counselling so i keep thinking she will improve meet a new bloke and they will probably live happily ever after and i will have missed out on a great person.
I heard of BPD from my osteopathic studies a while ago and then i saw something on facebook last week and it pretty much described the last two years of my life. She isn't completely typical i think. She is very high functioning. our relationship developed quite slowly which is different to the norm apparently and she is very good with money so i'm a little wary of diagnosing her myself but their are so many traits that she has that i'm fairly sure its BPD. From the moment things became more serious between us her rage started and it got worse and worse. Its odd because i remember at 6 months saying we needed to stop the rowing (ie she stop shouting) and it took her completely by surprise, she wasn't even aware it was happening, which should have been a warning sign!

I think going forward i'm concerned that i'm going to find a relationship with a non BPD a bit dull. I've had the most amazing rollercoaster ride with fireworks and everything with an unbelievably beautiful woman and i'm worried that whilst it was unsustainable in its good moments its given me a very high unrealistic benchmark to compare new relationships to.

[Lucky Jim]

Its the nagging thought that i could have perhaps behaved differently and we would have been able to make it work thats getting to me,

Right, toughday, that's what everyone thinks, which is why so many Nons (including me) end up recycling, often many times, only to end up in the same place down the line, except with more pain. 

I'm sure you do have fond memories from the roller coaster ride and fireworks to look back on, but it's best left in the rear-view mirror.  In my view, it's a lot better to find someone kind, with whom you don't need to walk on eggshells.  I'm happy to be off the BPD bus.

This might be a good time to ask yourself why you got involved with a person suffering from BPD in the first place.  Hint: Usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.

Keep posting and I'm sure you'll hear from other folks around here.

LuckyJim

[toughday]

Thanks I've done a lot of reading In The last few days since discovering BPD and realising my ex has it and I'm feeling a lot stronger. I really feel for her. At least I know what's happening. She is doomed to potentially repeat this pattern forever. That's horrific.

But I can only focus on myself and look at why I allowed myself to be treated in such a way. I'm talking to a therapist and doing a lot of work on myself to improve my self worth.

I feel very grateful to be in this position of awareness and understanding relative to where I was 6 months ago and I am convinced that I will never return to the nightmare that was my old relationship. Thanks again for your replies and advice it's good to feel positive about the future