Healing from relationship with BPD/NPD mother

[alphabeta]

This is an update of whether or not I am healed from a relationship with my BPD/NPD mother after going LC with her for a month:


I don´t know if I´m fully healed; however, it seems that I have figured what I need to feel healed.

My feelings towards my mother have been very strong -- fluctuating between fear, guilt, sadness, confusion, anger, and frustration.

There are things that trigger these feelings/emotions like hearing certain stories on the radio.

In order to re-engage with my mother, I need to be aware of these triggers and control my emotions, so that when I'm around her I don't feel horrible.  Furthermore, I need to be consistent in enforcing my boundaries with her.  My therapist suggested that we have timed visits if any... . 

Anyhow, I did feel horrible when she called me one day last week (repeatedly) and then came over to my house when I didn't pick up the phone -- a text message was not enough.  My wife told my mother to respect me by not entering the house, and my mother simply screamed and insulted her, banged at the door several times, pulled her hair, and pushed her way inside. 

Not only did I feel scared of this incident, but my son was very frightened a well.  This incident also showed me that I was not ready to engage with my mother at this moment, and I have decided to have extremely limited contact with her.

Now I know that although no one is truly good or bad, having a relationship with my mother in this state is not conducive with having a healthy relationship with my son and wife.

She wants to see my son.  I understand her need to be with her grandson.  However, the way I see it, this is a privelege and not a right.  If she can't acknowledge and own up to her emotionally and physically violent behavior, I don't think it's good for my son to be around her.

What are your thoughts?  I would like to hear others' opinions about this.

Thanks again... .

[Harri]

Hi alphabeta.  It is good that you posted! 

Are you familiar with Wisemind?  We have an article called Triggering and Mindfulness and Wisemind  I think you may find it very helpful in terms of getting a handle on your triggers and as a way to manage them long term. 

I came across the following when reading an old thread.  Skip posted: 

wisemind is about us and how we process things.  It doesn't have much to do with any the other person, really.  Triggering is when simple events reactivate past conflict and emotion within us.  Wisemind is about not reacting in a destructive way.

  That about sums it up really.  I recommend you not just read this article, but practice this daily.  Over time, it does make a difference.  Use mindfulness as a technique so that you can work on you and your triggers and how they affect you and your relationships with your wife and son.  At this point, I agree that distance from your mother is a good thing, especially when she can not be trusted to not invade your home and act out in front of and towards your wife and son.  But use the quiet or down time to work on you.  A lot of people only post here when they are in crisis and that is okay, of course.  The real benefit of posting though is to post when things are calm and you can focus on developing healthy coping skills. 

Mindfulness can help you get in the right state of mind so that you can enforce boundaries and go about your business without getting triggered to the point you do now. 

However, the way I see it, this is a privelege and not a right.  If she can't acknowledge and own up to her emotionally and physically violent behavior, I don't think it's good for my son to be around her.

I agree 100%.  What I wrote above re: mindfulness and getting a handle on your triggers is just for you.  It is not meant to get your mother to act better (yes, I am sure you know that).    Your mother may never be able to acknowledge and own up to her behavior and I don't think it is good to expect that or even hope for that.  That is okay though.  You get to decide if she can have contact *and* demonstrate to her with the use of boundaries, SET and other tools that her behaviors are not acceptable and she can only see your son and you and your wife when she can stay calm.

It takes time.  There will be pushback as you are seeing already.  But it is possible to have good boundaries regardless of what she does.  It is also possible that she is one of those who will need very hard boundaries like my mom did.  Some are dangerous to the point that no contact is the only solution.  I am not sure where you mom falls.  You get to determine that.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Alphabeta,  

So nice to hear from you again and to get caught up on things. You are doing well taking these steps to protect yourself and your son.   I think it's awesome and absolutely essential that you step back and evaluate the positive changes in your journey to healing. Kudos!  

Have you noticed that you've become more aware of things that you didn't see before since you've reduced contact? As my hyper vigilance began to drop, I could see my emotions begin (a teeny tiny bit at a time) to settle and the facts would start to emerge. Eye opening!  

There are things that trigger these feelings/emotions like hearing certain stories on the radio.

I can relate to this. It's normal, and it shows that there are other similar things that trigger the same emotions or feelings within us because the topic triggers a similar response in our minds and bodies to the parallel happenings with our pwBPD.  :)oes that make sense?

Not only did I feel scared of this incident, but my son was very frightened a well.  This incident also showed me that I was not ready to engage with my mother at this moment, and I have decided to have extremely limited contact with her.

It's okay to take this step of pulling back. It's setting a boundary around you and your son for protection. She'll be there trying to break the fence down that you've put up. You don't have to let her in. It's scary when they keep trying so hard, but she's known one way from the past and doesn't want it to change. Hold on.

Remember to be kind to yourself. What kind thing have you done for yourself today?

 
Wools