Have not seen my (BPD) adult daughter with two grandchildren in 4 years

[twomaries]

My story is long of the abuse which I have endured with my estranged adult daughter .  I have not seen her in 4 years.  She has blocked me off of any social media  , I do not have a phone number and address.  I do know that she is living in a small community trailer park.  I have heard that professionals say do not reach out and try to see a mentally ill adult child which has been abusive to a parent  to regain a relationship.  You are only doing them wrong by teaching them it is ok to be abusive.  It is best as a parent to stay away from them until they come back.  I am looking for helpful opinions on this.

Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Scout206]

Hi twomaries
My story is similar to yours except it has only(!) been 2 years instead of 4.  I am not invited to her wedding next month and am quite sure I will not see my grandchildren when they arrive.  I don't know how this happened.  I keep trying to make some sort of rational sense out of an irrational and cruel mental illness that I only learned about 6 months ago. I don't know about professionals saying don't reach out but I understand their thoughts of possibly 'giving them positive reinforcement for abuse.'  The problem there is I don't think that my daughter thinks she has been abusive because she seems to lack empathy (where I am concerned at least.)  Not reaching out can also be interpreted as reinforcing their feeling that you don't care.  I hope other people have some input on this because I don't know what to do either.   I am glad that you found this site.  It has been a lifesaver for me.   Scout206

[Feeling Better]

Hello twomaries and welcome

My heart goes out to you, it really does. I don’t think I can give you any helpful advice, each situation, although in many ways similar, is different. My adult son has been NC (no contact) with me for about 18 months now. I am currently working on myself, learning new ways of communicating with him and making myself mentally stronger so that at some point I will try to reconnect with him. Of course I know that I also need to be prepared for further rejection. I personally don’t think that there is any right or wrong answer, you know the situation with your daughter, so I always think go with your gut.

I can definitely see what you mean in saying that by reaching out to an abusive child it is saying to them that it is ok to be abusive, however, reaching out to them and indicating your own personal boundaries (eg. not tolerating abuse) you are actually saying that you want a relationship but on your terms, not theirs. Then of course it depends on them how they respond. I’m sorry to say that there is no easy solution, but I can tell you that you are not alone, there are other parents on here experiencing the same as you so I expect you will get some more responses to your post x  
And of course Scout206 is one of those parents (she posted while I was writing x)

[twomaries]

Thank you for the responses back.   God Bless us all dealing with such hurt.

[Feeling Better]

Hi again twomaries

God Bless us all dealing with such hurt.

Thank you for those kind words and yes, there is an awful lot of hurt to deal with.

Have you thought about what you would like to happen with your relationship with your daughter? Four years is such a long time. Do you think that you have accepted and come to terms with your situation? Or would you like to see a change? 

[twomaries]

Those all all great questions!  What I would like to happen with the relationship.  Great question.  I was always her savior before, trying to pull her out of poverty and troubles.  I would want that to change, not feeling the need to buy her cars, pay her debts etc.  At times, I have accepted the situation of not knowing her and my grandchildren any longer and then I mourn the loss of my daughter and grandchildren.  She is not the best mother, I found her to be very neglectful when she lived with me with grandbaby and wanted to save the baby from her.  So I may be just be asking for trouble finding her.  It is being between and rock and a hard place.

[wendydarling]

Hi twomaries

I'd like to join Scout206 and Feeling Better welcoming you to the community, though sorry what brings you here. My heart goes out to you and parents here who are in no contact with the children you love dearly. It is exactly as you say being between a rock and hard place.  

I agree with you Feeling Better's questions are great.   I think we are all here in some way looking for change, getting unstuck, dealing with our grief …... to get to a better place whatever may be our situation. Here we can do this in the safety of this amazing forum, with caring people who get it.

You've identified you don't want to be in a position of rescuing your daughter from all her troubles, can you enact that boundary if you were in contact again, can you see that happening? Your DD has coped without you rescuing these last years, perhaps it may not be a problem going forwards? What do you think?

What kind of neglect did you observe? Many parents have wellbeing concerns for their grandchildren, as we see here in hangingon thread working through with support.

Answering these questions may help you identify what you DO want from a relationship.

Is your daughter in contact with any members of the family?

I'm so glad you joined us and with others look forward to supporting you.

Lean on us, we are listening  

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Those all all great questions!  What I would like to happen with the relationship.  Great question.  I was always her savior before, trying to pull her out of poverty and troubles.  I would want that to change, not feeling the need to buy her cars, pay her debts etc.  At times, I have accepted the situation of not knowing her and my grandchildren any longer and then I mourn the loss of my daughter and grandchildren.  She is not the best mother, I found her to be very neglectful when she lived with me with grandbaby and wanted to save the baby from her.  So I may be just be asking for trouble finding her.  It is being between and rock and a hard place.

You couldn’t have put it any better, yes, it is like being between a rock and a hard place, wrong if you do and wrong if you don’t, not knowing what to do for the best.

I can see how you would want things to change, who wouldn’t? You don’t have to bail her out, she may be your daughter but she is an adult and responsible for herself. Presumably she has been managing ok these past four years without you bailing her out, so you could put a boundary in place if you feel that you need to.

I understand also when you say that at times you have accepted the situation. Yes, sometimes it is easier not to rock the boat. And then at other times you mourn the loss of your daughter and grandchildren, I imagine that could be quite overwhelming for you. I know with myself I can get on with my life and then out of the blue I get an overwhelming longing to see my son’s face, give him a great big hug and tell him that I love him.

Who do you have in your life right now twomaries, who is there for you? x 

[twomaries]

Wendy and Feeling Better, thank you for your response back.  I really do not know if she can have a relationship with me without me helping her financially.  She seems to feel it is owed to her and if I don't then she does not want anything to do with me.  Just how it was when she was in my life.  But I am willing to find out I suppose. However, I fear my heart being ripped out again with her abusive words  . "I am dead to her", "She wishes I would be dead" , back turned , doors shut.  She is living by her dad and step mom. They will not respond back to me with helping me reach out to her.  She sees my son and his family when he comes to the state to visit , they do not want any part in trying to talk to her either.  They are all afraid of her words and withdrawling ways.  My son (her brother) and her are not close at all , they do not talk throughout the year , only when he comes to visit their dad.  I suppose she has asked them all to not give me her number or address .  My son told me that his step mom is afraid to betray her wishes.  My son says he does not want to get involved.  She had tried to ruin my son's whole life one time years ago, after she starting punching me because I would not let you take the boat out that day as her brother wanted to use it and was only at my home for another 2 days from one week visit .  He hopped on her and held her down and said "I will not allow you to hit Mom"  , She tried to file a police report and said they he beat her up, he only held her down.  The police officer basically told her that it would be her that would end up in jail . So she backed out of it.  She ruined my sons wedding day with all the photos taken, as they had asked her to stand up in their wedding.  She made ugly faces in all their wedding pictures and they had to cut her out when developed.  Yes, my son has been through the ringer with her as well.  As for me , you ask, do I have for support?   I have my husband (who is been diagnosed with a terminal heart and lung disease ) .  He does NOT want me to contact her again.  He is trying to protect me.  I have my mother which I talk to almost everyday on the phone and see a few times a year as she lives out of state.  I also have a sister that I talk to often on the phone , as she lives out of state.  They understand the Borderline Personality Illness and find it to be a shame.  I have girlfriends.  Nobody knows how to counsel with this. 

[twomaries]

Prayer that is all I have.  I gave it to God , I put her and my grandchildren in HIS hands, but somehow it keeps riding heavy in my heart and soul. 

[wendydarling]

Oh twomaries   I'm so sorry to hear your husband has terminal cancer, I can't imagine how difficult this is for you working through all your feelings. Your husband loves you wants to protect you from the abusive behaviour you describe.

You fear your heart being ripped out again is exactly what others share here, being prepared for that.

Are you familiar with the tools to the right of your screen?   us skilling up can help improve how we relate with our BPD. They do take practice to learn.

We are all here for you.

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

twomaries, thank you so much for giving us some more information about your situation, it certainly is a tough call.

I’m sorry to hear that you feel that your daughter will still want financial assistance from you. Do her dad and step mom help her out financially?

But I am willing to find out I suppose. However, I fear my heart being ripped out again with her abusive words  . "I am dead to her", "She wishes I would be dead" back turned , doors shut.

Please take care of yourself if you do decide to reach out to her, you need to be in a good place both mentally and physically, I understand your fear of having your heart ripped out again, you need to be strong.

She is living by her dad and step mom. They will not respond back to me with helping me reach out to her.  She sees my son and his family when he comes to the state to visit , they do not want any part in trying to talk to her either.  They are all afraid of her words and withdrawling ways.  My son (her brother) and her are not close at all , they do not talk throughout the year , only when he comes to visit their dad.  I suppose she has asked them all to not give me her number or address .  My son told me that his step mom is afraid to betray her wishes. My son says he does not want to get involved.

I would say that your son is very wise to not want to get involved, maybe the same could be said for her dad and step mom, sometimes it’s best to keep out of the drama, and yes, it is possible that she has asked them all to not give you her number or address. Is there no other way that you could contact her?

As for me , you ask, do I have for support?   I have my husband (who is been diagnosed with a terminal heart and lung disease ) .  He does NOT want me to contact her again.  He is trying to protect me.  I have my mother which I talk to almost everyday on the phone and see a few times a year as she lives out of state.  I also have a sister that I talk to often on the phone , as she lives out of state.  They understand the Borderline Personality Illness and find it to be a shame.  I have girlfriends.  Nobody knows how to counsel with this.  

I am glad to hear that you have support from your husband but am oh so sorry to hear that he has been diagnosed with a terminal heart and lung disease, how terrible for you both. I can see why your H doesn’t want you to contact your daughter, that he is trying to protect you, no wonder you are very torn when you have this to consider also. You also have support from your mother and sister, it is good that they understand BPD, that must mean such a lot to you.

Prayer that is all I have.  I gave it to God , I put her and my grandchildren in HIS hands, but somehow it keeps riding heavy in my heart and soul.  

twomaries, I am pleased that you also have your faith to help you through, but sorry that you still feel burdened, it is such a difficult thing that you are trying to deal with. There are no cut and dried answers, I wish with all my heart that there were x