Please help... Isolation

[heartofglass]

I have two very young kids. I am finding it increasingly impossible to cope with having no family support or love at all anymore since going No Contact with my BPD mom in December. My dad is dead, my only sister is completely codependent with my mom now and can't be trusted, and the rest of my family is my mom's family and she is at every family get-together anyway (so I can't go). We have NOBODY that loves us or cares about our kids.

We live in a town where we don't know anyone at all (my mom convinced us to move here with her -- now she's moved far away with her boyfriend). I don't have it in me to "get out there" and join things right now. I feel zero connection with this place anyway. I am constantly near tears, desperately lonely. I have upped my antidepressants in recent months, but even they can't mask my profound sadness about losing my entire family.

I desperately NEED to move closer to my husband's supportive family but they live thousands of miles away so that would be a HUGE undertaking. So we're stuck for now. And every day that goes by I feel like I die a little more.

I desperately need some tips to cope with isolation when you have a young family that really SHOULD be surrounded by people who actually love and care about them. I feel like I am still actively being punished by my horrible mother, even though she's no longer in my life.

[zachira]

You are feeling isolated and depressed right now. It is overwhelming to be raising two small children and living in a town where you do not have anybody you feel close to. You really are upset about how your BPD mother has affected your life. Know you are not alone in experiencing the despair from having been raised by a BPD mother. It is normal to feel overwhelmed at times by all the ways a BPD parent has affected your life, and sometimes those of us who were raised by a BPD parent feel nobody understands and we just want to isolate. I know the pain of depression can feel unbearable at times, as I too have experienced extremely painful bouts of depression.
What I want you to know, though it may not seem that things can ever get better, that you will feel better as you face how being raised by a BPD mother has affected you, and you look for ways to put the past behind you and to live in the present moment the kind of life you have always wanted to have. The first step is probably to get some help with your depression. The best treatment for depression includes therapy, as medication never works all the time. Have you ever been to therapy, and how do you feel about going? If you decide to do therapy, not all therapists are a good fit, so it is important to find one that you feel understands you and really helps you to feel better.
Can you tell us more about your husband and children, in particular the things you love and enjoy the most about them?
Please keep us up to date on how you are doing, and let us know how we can help. Though it may not seem like it right now, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel.

[hellebore1]

My heart really goes out to you.  For years and years I felt like I couldn't go around my family b/c they didn't understand my reaction to my BPD half-sibling (we had been raised in another state and they didn't see a lot of what my upbringing was like.  My mother was still in full enabling mode and trying to convince the rest of our family I was the problem for not accommodating BPD brother's behaviors.  She later got counseling herself thankfully.)  

One thing to remember:  You survived an upbringing by a BPD parent.  That, my friend, is tough.  You are strong.  You can do this.  I'm sure moving to your husband's family location seems Herculean right now but just start looking into it a small step at a time.  What are the schools like, etc.  Call them and tell them you need help.

If you don't already have a counselor please please consider getting one.  Have been thinking about you and hoping you're doing OK (hope this doesn't come off as creepy, just it really affects me when I read about someone going through what I did for so long and feeling as powerless and alone as I did.)  

One thing that's so hard about this that other people genuinely don't understand what it's like dealing with BPD.  "Surely it's not that bad" and similar.  It is.  Let us know how you're doing.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi heartofglass, 

I'm so thankful that you reached out to us here. You definitely are a part of the family here, and we care very much about how you are doing. You've gotten some helpful words from zachira and hellebore1.

Is your husband's job in the area where you currently live? How old are your precious little ones? It's hard being a mom, and especially when you feel alone. Is there any chance that there might be a MOPS group nearby? (Mothers of pre schoolers) I know you can look it up online to find a location near you.

Please stay in touch!
Extra hugs for you   
Wools