Why this special bond between BPD/NPD ?

[HappyChappy]

Dear BPD Family forum members, 

There is a special bond between people with a PD, I’ve seen this so often. I read that 50% will partner someone with a PD, so that’s statistically significant. But witnessing it first hand with my BPD, its astounding at times. Her golden child was her only child with a PD. His behaviour has been appalling, he use to punch her, and scream her down if his dinner wasn’t on the table at 6pm and the rest. Her favouritism for him was blatant. There were two other people that acted out as obvious NPD, both mistreated our BPD terribly, she would complain but if you joined in, she instantly defended them and scolded you. Bizarre.

My BPD even defend the indefensible, two of the UKs most famous paedophiles (off children’s telly) when no one else in the country would dare too. Jimmy Savil had over 300 victims, and her line was how terrible this was to pick on a poor old man, how on earth can anyone prove what happened 10 years ago. 

If she likes someone no one else does, they almost always are acting out like a NPD. She’s like a NPD radar. Has anyone else noticed this links. I see similar allegiances among famous people acting out ask NPD, and also certain groups of people are more NPD than most. Birds of a feather flock together.

What does everyone think ? Have you noticed something similar ? 

[Notwendy]

There are two types of bonds that I have read about. One is the BPD/co-dependent, enabler, non bond and the other is BPD/NPD. From what I have read, the BPD/enabler is a more stable long term bond. Both have drama but I think BPD/NPD have fireworks, intense drama, which makes the relationship less stable for the long run, but probably intense in the short run.

I think the attraction involves drama, but also shared dysfunction- two alcoholics, or drug addicts can form a bond, but so can an addict and an enabler. Perhaps they see parts of themselves in the other person and that makes them feel OK. But I think two unstable personalities would have a hard time forming a long term relationship. Relatives might, as they are connected by family.

Looking at my BPD mother, she tends to get into drama with her helpers. She tends to choose people with their own issues. I think it is because a helper who has a strong professional background would not go along with her requests. She's elderly and needs assistance, but what she wants is like hiring a babysitter who lets the 4 year old run the show. A good sitter won't do that. She chooses people who will.

[HappyChappy]

Thanks NotWendy,

You saved me from a tumbleweed moment , feeuw. You make some good points, I have also read the BPD/NPD thing and wonder if Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor fit that bill. Taylor then became big friends with Michael Jackson, not an obvious fit, until you read about Jackson very NPD behaviour (pretending to be Jesus with children kneeling in front of him and the Brit awards etc... .) and Jackson married Priscilla Presley, Elvis was considered NPD. Jackson bought the rights to the Beatles songs and Lennon was considered NPD.

But also Yew Tree investigation and Jimmy Savil, he even started visiting a serial killer - how odd was that ?

I know this is all conjecture, but people with a PD do seem to have a connection. The love hate thing between Trump and Kim and Putin... .

[Learning2Thrive]

I know this is all conjecture, but people with a PD do seem to have a connection. The love hate thing between Trump and Kim and Putin... .

I agree there seems to be a connection. Perhaps it’s the resulting drama and trauma it causes?  You know... .they need to have their supply. Plus it keeps all of us so busy trying to figure out what’s going on that it’s a great distraction technique to keep us under control and always guessing trying to make sense out of the insanity.

[Notwendy]

Most of us don't become that famous, but it is interesting to see the drama and instability in Hollywood relationships. Several of the people you mentioned also experienced different forms of abuse as children, probably contributing to their emotional challenges. Even without a history of abuse, child stars seem to be vulnerable- perhaps the conditions of stardom and the pressures add to their issues.

[zachira]

You are right on when you say that people with PDs attract each other. You might enjoy reading: "Attached" by Levine and Heller, sold on Amazon.com. This book talks about how we are either attracted to people with secure attachment and/or insecure attachments, and how we can acquire secure attachment for ourselves by having relationships to those with secure attachment, the people who can truly have loving, caring, committed long term relationships.

[Turkish]

My ex left me for a likely NPD. He's a "nice guy" on the surface,  but was always nice to be to the point of being obsequious (maybe he was afraid of The Wolf, I don't know). He was/is a young, studly college football jock,  but he telegraphed major insecurities, at least by my middle aged man judgement. 

Masterson wrote that the NPD is the "inflated false self," while the BPD is the "deflated false self." Each gets something from the other that each lacks.

Dr. Craig Childress's blog isn't well organized (I just searched it to try and find something,  maybe someone else can have better luck),  but I caught this from his Facebook page a while back and it may help answer this question:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=310385.msg12875854#msg12875854