How do you get them to see how hard you are trying? I’m blamed for everything

[inthemiddle1]

My dBPD bf has absolutely no patience for anything I do. I’m constantly told I do everything wrong, that I’m selfish and don’t think about him at all, but how can I get him to see that he’s unreasonable about things and that I’m trying my hardest (and failing almost every time) to make him happy. We’re never happy talking to each other any more as it always ends up with one of us frustrated with the other and someone in tears (more often me). He tells me that I’ve created these situations that has caused our relationship to break down and get blamed for everything. How can you get someone to see something that they’ve already made their mind up about what you have and what you haven’t done? How do you get them to see what you actually do for them? I feel like I sacrifice so much and tiptoe around everything to make him happy and it’ll never be enough. How do I live up to these expecatations he has of me and our relationship when I have absolutely no flexibility to get things wrong and learn or change things? It’s it to got to the point where I dread talking to him over the phone. I love him but I’m not enjoying our relationship right now and I’m just so unsure if this will ever change or how we can better it... .

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[pearlsw]

Hi inthemiddle1,



Such relationships are extremely challenging to say the least. To be clear though, you are not responsible for his happiness, he is. You can do all the nice things in the world, how he feels about them or receives them is about him, not you.

Have you had a chance to look at any of the Tools yet?

There is one that helps with Blaming: Have you seen this resource? Stop Accusations and Blaming

If you can pull away from the nastiness of what he says what is his critique of you? Is any of it valid? My SO makes complaints more than anyone I've ever been involved with. I try to listen past the extra garbage and get to the core of what he says. For example, the other night he was pretty extreme, but the basic message was "I want to spend more time with you." I took the time later when he was more calm to tell him that is a better way to say it than making threats to me. This might not work for you, but hearing what he is really saying at the core of it could help.

Are any of his critiques of you partially valid or are they all noise?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hi inthemiddle1,

I agree with pearlsw and want to re-iterate what pearlsw wrote "you are not responsible for his happiness, he is." You are also responsible for your own happiness.

How can you get someone to see something that they’ve already made their mind up about what you have and what you haven’t done? How do you get them to see what you actually do for them?

I don't think you can. You can only be yourself. This sounds like my ex. I learned he was projecting his feelings, behaviors, and unhappiness onto me. He still does. My ex was also unable to regulate his emotions and basically wanted me to do it for him, in a way. Does this sound like it may apply to your situation as well?

Similar to what pearlsw wrote, he may be using the wrong words. Kind of like a toddler/young child. My D5 will say "I hate you" when she probably really means "I am mad!"  For me, it helps to try and figure out what the underlying issue is and not necessarily take it at face value. 

Have you read about setting boundaries? https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries  This helped me a lot when trying to deal with these types of behaviors.

*hugs*

[isilme]

Short statement - you can't stop the blame.  You can only stop accepting it. 

Just because they throw a ball at you does not mean you have to catch it and own it. 

You also can't make someone happy.  You can set the stage for things that would likely make someone happy, and then they can choose to accept that happiness or reject it.  BPD is not exactly bipolar, but the two can have overlap.  Bipolar people often refuse their meds, not because they don't work, but because they do.  The meds even them out, remove the sharp highs and lows, and allow them to live on a plain similar to non-bipolar people.  Know what?  That feels weird to a person with bipolar disorder.  You'd think they'd love to not have those horrible jagged feelings, but those feelings are "normal" to them. 

I think (based on my H) pwBPD do not trust being happy.  They find it much more "normal" to seek out reasons to be unhappy, reasons to be afraid, stressed or anxious.  Because they lack the ability to deal with those feelings, they can't handle them happening by surprise, and I think just existing in that state feels more normal than anything else. 

I am codependent.  It has taken (and still takes) a lot for me to accept I can exist in a happy state, or at least content, even if H is in a bad mood, sad, or depressed.  I can validate his feelings.  I can remove as much stress as possible.  But I cannot "fix" his feelings, no matter how much I try to do.  I used to be really bad (I am not just partly bad) about thinking I can't allow myself to feel good or happy unless he feels good and happy.  Which often lead to me resenting him for preventing me from being happy. 

I think what you can do instead is
1. give yourself permission to not own blame thrown at you
2. allow yourself to do things because you want to, not because you are hoping for a certain amount of appreciation - realize that amount of appreciation may not currently be in the capacity of your partner.  If you want to give a gift, cook dinner, anything nice, do it because YOU feel its the nice thing, right thing to do, regardless of how it's taken.
3. Allow them to feel what they feel, no matter what you are currently feeling.  This does not mean accepting a rage outburst.  Just don't invalidate their feelings, no matter how off you feel they are. 
4.  Allow yourself to feel how you feel, regardless of your partner's words, actions, and outward expressions of feeling.

We all tend to get enmeshed, but we are separate people ho choose to be together.  It's okay to have your own thoughts, ideas, and feelings.  Remember they effectively have an emotional disability. 

[Radcliff]

Welcome!  Wow, some great advice here from pearlsw, I_Am_The_Fire, and isilme.  All of the links they've recommended are excellent.  My personal favorite that could help you in this situation is learning how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).

I know we're throwing a lot of reading material at you.  It's worth diving in and reading, but the real magic of this place is the personalized support you can get on the message boards.  Reading is one thing, but applying these tools in real life takes practice and can sometimes be discouraging unless you've got support.  If you start a discussion with us about the particulars of your situation, we can help you figure out how to focus your efforts, recover from setbacks, and support you in your progress.

WW