he has messaged me to pack his things..advise needed...what do i do?

[blackorchid]

Hi,


My boyfriend has actually done much better... .the last time he fully disregulated was in 2016 and then we had the same dance of him blocking me and moving out.

This time it started on June 5th... .he split me and since then it was constant arguments in the house and he was demanding that I give him money to leave me, as payment for furniture we have bought together.  That made me so angry and I guess I forgot about all my lessons and just couldnt beleive what I was hearing. He has been unemployed due to an injury since September and finally started a new job in the middle of May and now he wanted money from me after I have done everything to support us. Honestly, in hindsight I know I should have kept the techniques I know going, but Im only human... .

I actually did try at first, I left the house, took the dog for a long walk, but he was still screaming and shouting at me when i came home. Then 5 days later he brought a friend to stay with us and that made everything so so so much worse.

After 12 days the friend left, then he didnt come home for 3 days. He came home at 12;30am last Saturday night, still completely disregulated and packed up everything.  Went to sleep (!) and then woke up in the morning and left.

Then i was blocked on everything, phone calls, facebook, instagram, whatsapp etc... .

he unblocked whatsapp on tuesday to tell me that he has paid the utility bills and if i want to pay him back i can but if not thats cool.

then he messaged on thursday to say he forgot a lot of clothes ( i guess you can do that when you back in haste and a rage) and he needs them, will  i pack them or does he have to go and buy new clothes (!)

I replied that I'm not a bad person, I wouldnt make you but new clothes, when will you come?

He replied Saturday

I asked what time and he said at 18:00.

I said no because the England match is on at that time can you please pick another time.

He didnt reply.  But left me unblocked.

Last night I sent him a message saying: Hi I hope that you're ok, Im worried about you.  I'm sorry that you got so angry and I understand why youre angry. I miss you. Good night.

He responded telling me not to disturb him. Have I packed his stuff, his friend will collect it tomorrow.

I said as Ive been working I havent packed it yet.

He replied can you please pack my bag. and asked if he could come at 19.00 or dont pack it and i can buy new things, whatever, bye.


I said that I dont want to pack it,  i hope that you will calm down and we can talk when youre ready, Im always thinking of you.

he replied, please understand me and forgot me.  I feel nothing for you.

what do i do? do I pack everything today and pass it to his friend?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[once removed]

what do i do? do I pack everything today and pass it to his friend?

i would.

i think doing so, and giving him some space, letting him get back to baseline and in a position where he wants to talk would go a long way toward cooling things off.

[pearlsw]

Hi blackorchid,

From where I stand, a lot depends on how you feel about him at this point. Do you want him back or want him gone?

Personally, I'd have him come and pack his stuff if you feel safe having him around. Perhaps you'd want to step out for a bit while he does it (if that is safe)?

If you don't want to see him, then do as much packing as you can stomach and no more and have the friend pick it up. Does he not want to see you because he might feel attracted to you? (My SO was this way many times.)

My SO packed up and ran off and came back a few times... .after INSISTING he would NEVER come back.

Do you think this break up will take?

take care, pearl.

[blackorchid]

Hi

Thank you Pearlsw and once removed for the reply.

I leave in Turkey so before both of you had replied (for which I am grateful) it had already happnened.


I didnt want to pack it but I figured I needed to do the thing that would make him the least angry ... .so I packed it. Which I'm already regretted. When he has dysregulated and packed before he has never took the box of all our memories (photos, cards and letters sent from me when we lived in different countries and letters when he was in miltay service), Im so worried that he is just going to throw them away...    I replied saying I didnt want to pack the things,I dont want you to move out, I am only packing them because that is what you want.,


When the door bell rang i was shocked because it wasnt his friend it was him.  He said that he is only here to collect his things. If i stop him he will run and leave without anything.   I walked into the living room and just sat down.  Im English and was watching the aftermath of the England match online and the internet keeps stalling, I just asked him can you help me with something.  He said no. I said the internet hasnt been working very well this week can you please call the service provider.  He said no. Write it in your brain we are finished. I will never help you. You will never see me again. I have everything now and so I have no reason to contact you again. Then he picked up the last bag and left.


I LOST THE PLOT. why i even try reasoning with him when I know he is not normal, i know he wont respond in a normal rational way but still i try.  Its like the more abnormally he treats me the more crazy I go.  I tried following him out.  He was already in the car, He sped off which left me feeling like ___e.

By the time i went back into the apartment I was already blocked again on whatsapp.  40 mins later he unblocked me and wrote:

'Tomorrow I will call the landlord and talk to him for cancelling our contract.  If you want to keep the house alone you will have to contact him.

I have left the home and I hope that you can pay me 500 dollars soon (he wanted paying for leaving me) if you dont no problem.
But when you leave the house you must tell me as I have to cancel all the utilility bills.'

By the time I had opened the message I was already blocked. And have been ever since.



noone understands me, my friends wont even talk to me about it other to say Im glad he has gone he is a ass and to them thats it done.  But me? I just want the normal him back with me. Not this monster version of him that he becomes.  I cant make sense of what happened. I know Im just thinking about it and making myself ill and crazy.  i have created a fake instagram to see what he is doing and he has met his family three hours away for a holiday and im sure that they are just filling his ead and encouraging me him to stay away.  they have never wanted us together and are the usual trigger for him to do act like this.  i dont know if that is the base of all of this.  his brother asked for 1000 dollar loan and i told him i dont have the money.  i honestly dont know if that was where it started. afterwards we were ok for a week.

and its not even like i can do anythng now because im blocked.  but the blocking just makes me feel worthless and frustrates me so much. how can he do this to me again.

Pearlsw how many times has your SO done this if you dont mind me asking?

[pearlsw]

Pearlsw how many times has your SO done this if you dont mind me asking?

Hi blackorchid,

It may shock you to hear, but I have been broken up with hundreds of times. It is always a bit different. Big shocking breaks with him leaving the apartment we live in, although all is in his name, and small insulting verbal ones, the whole gamut.

My question is what he is like aside from this? I have come to see the breaks are... .well, he is extremely black and white in his thinking. It never feels like he'll come back, he is totally convincing when he says it's off, but then... .he goes back to baseline and is very sorry and wants me to forgive him and take him back.

What is your guy like when is not being like this? How does he himself see the times when is acting like this? My SO really regrets that he acts "so crazy" and is convinced he loves me. Oh, and he always says he'll never do it again.

I imagine it is tough because this is also going through the different culture/language filter - I deal with that piece too. We are not from the same cultures or native languages. I can easily imagine his family having a big part of this, a big sway over him and zero sympathy for you.

with compassion, pearl.

[blackorchid]

Hey Pearlsw,

I’m sorry to hear about that for you. I too have had it what feels like hundreds of times.  Which is why friends and relatives just don’t understand why I take him back, why I’m upset now, why I love him. Etc.


Its also the same small verbal ones and then big blown ones like this. I have no idea if this is a sign of BPD but it happens almost to the same date every year. June/July. Which makes my family very angry as it ruins my summer and bday.


When he comes back to baseline he says that he did act crazily but that I pushed him to it and why do I have to always push him. He is very sorry and most times cries. A lot. Which makes it easier to take him back. Every time he leaves it feels like it’s the complete end and all hope is lost. 


When he’s at baseline he is very caring very thoughtful just a normal nice guy.  Wanting to marry me and start a family. But this is always at the back of my mind. If we had a family would he still pack up and leave like this? 

I do think the triggers are his family. He repeated over and over that he’s leaving me because I treated his family badly. They live like 12 hours away and we haven’t seen them since last summer. However, a friend of his called me yesterday and explained that his sister was demanding that he pay for her holiday this year as your girlfriend ruined it last summer ( they came to stay with us, it was a complete disaster- we had a 2 bed apt and there were 5 adults and 2 kids  and our dog. )   

Sometimes I feel like them asking for money is his trigger. Yet he never says no to them. But flips out at me. I guess that would make sense with him saying I treated his family badly.

I don’t know the ins and outs of his childhood as he won’t talk about it. But I know it was messed up. His grandmother took care of him until from what I can figure he was at least 7. But in the meantime they had his sister when he was 3. Last year his mum told me that when he used to come for his weekly visit he would cling onto his mums legs and refuse to look at the sister.  I don’t know if he fears adbondoment from them and therefore constantly bank rolls them. It’s one theory I have. If that makes sense.

Thanks for replying. Not having people to talk to atm is making it worse. Feel like everyone is just sick of it happening again and again and they just don’t want to talk about it. As my sister says you choose to go back and you know he’ll just do it again.

[desperate.wife]

Hi, it must be really hard for you. Family wants the best for you and I understand they see things this way. It is hard to understand from outside. Do they know about borderline? My sister was very understanding when she learned about it but I still keep some things to myself.

Is there more good or bad times when you are together? You say he leaves every July, and how does he behave the rest of the time ? How long did it take till he would come back before?

Do you try to say nice things about his family (even if you don't feel it)?

What is other reason you are together, if you are not wanting to create family with him? Can you live without family? (I was unconsciously holding back too, and it was just mild BPD) What do you see in the future?

Recently I was reminded of this quote: "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" which got me thinking maybe I am the one insane? :d

[blackorchid]

Then I must be insane too 

When I talk about borderline I swear they just think I’m making it up. And trying to find something to excuse his disgusting behavior.

There are good times. However  This year has been different though. He was injured and his football career came to an end and he has been severely depressed. A lot of days he wouldn’t even get out of bed. He was depressed because of his  injury. Unable to work out. Even walking hurt.  So he spent more and more time in the house alone as I was working. His perfect little family did nothing to help and at no point asked If he was ok for money.

Day to day life was ok but draining at times but before the injury we obv had much more happier times in between the BPD.

I haven’t been ready to start a family. Aside for his BPD and with only me working it was impractical too anyway. Turkey has no support system or benefit system. So if I couldn’t work for a while we would be up the creek without a paddle. But I’ll be 32 in a few weeks so it has been something we were thinking about more.
For the future? I want him to see that I am always the one by his side and not his money grabbing, user families. Just for him to recognize that actually they have treated him awfully. He has nothing money wise because of them. Not me. He blames me all the time. It’s like as long as he can blame me he can keep ignoring the fact that they do it. They have some deep control over him and I just don’t know why.

[pearlsw]

They have some deep control over him and I just don’t know why.

Well, there is certainly something about one's Family of Origin (FOO). They can manage to push one's buttons pretty well.

My SO with BPD traits can become a totally different person under their influence, and then revert back when it just him and me.

Are you able to and would you want to go ahead and set all up in your name? What is possible/the best for you in terms of stability? Would you remain there without him?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Hi again,

Also meant to say, many of us have families who don't quite understand our situations - and that is when we are brave enough to tell them or it spills out somehow and we can't keep it private (which we probably shouldn't so much). I live it and I wonder how I got into this mess at times, how I could let it go on for so long?  It is indeed EXTREMELY CONFUSING to be with someone who has mood swings, whatever the cause might be. When they started I didn't know what I was seeing, I just thought he was someone who stored up his anger and then exploded. I do not deal with all the things I read about here, or in the Eggshells book, but the BPD traits he does have are quite extreme - when they are present.

We're here. We understand!

warmly, pearl.

[blackorchid]

Thanks Pearl.

Apparently I can set up certain things  if not everything in my name. But I need the new Contract. Ours expires on July 25th and he has told me to call the landlord to continue it alone. As of yet I’ve put off doing it.

I feel so hurt and angry atm. He unblocked me to talk about bills again. And I responded calmly. Last night. . But then this morning  I let my anger get the better of me. And said I’m so angry with you. How can you use my money to go on holiday. You blackmailed me and threatened me for that money. Enjoy your holiday paid through with the dirty money you got from me. I know I shouldn’t have reacted. I’m just so sick of all it.

I have seen thrOugh friends Instagrams that he has rented a gigantic mansion villa for him and his family for the week. One friend asked how much it was and it was 5000. The exact amount he wanted paying. Which doesn’t feel like a coincidence .

His family have sent me lots of nasty messages saying that now they are with him they willl make sure he never returns to me (they have done this in the past). And I just saw red. So now I’m blocked again   And obv now regretting it. But it’s just not fair.

[pearlsw]

But it’s just not fair.

Hi blackorchid,

I am sorry to hear this! Not that it makes you feel any better, but last year I loaned my SO money for a vacation that he disinvited me from with his kids. I was stuck alone through the holidays with not so much food, and he even told me he had cameras on me watching me. It was pretty messed up to say the least. He's taking medication now, and not like that currently, not so extreme, but it is a lot when you see what a person is capable of saying and doing. I think the camera thing was a bluff/lie, but it did make me nervous to even go out and try to buy food. His purpose was just to control me.

Anyway, all that to say, I am sorry! I know he seems so strange and distant now... .and with the family influence around him it can be hard for him to think of you or work anything out with you. I waited out many such phases with my SO until he would finally break. I always knew that sooner or later, with is hypersexuality/emotional intensity, he'd be back at some point wanting sex with me, wanting to reconnect.

I know, I know dear. It's not fair. I imagine you are typically the more supportive, understanding person in his life. Chances are though, soon enough, he'll be in conflict with his family too and want to get away from them - they will overwhelm him too.

I never knew what to do. Like you now I was forced into living two lives. And it is hard to live two and prepare for two lives at once. I think this is extremely hard, and it can mentally break you.

What do you want to do? Keep two tracks in life open? Shut one down eventually? I know it is so hard! Oh, and I should have said this sooner, your anger and hurt are totally understandable. We can't be perfect. I know I'd lose it at times too when he would just keep interrupting me and pressuring me and... .he wanted me to lose it. He wanted an emotional reaction. We all have our breaking points and it is not small thing when another human is jumping up and down on those points to make us break so we can match their emotionally intensity and they can have something to really be mad at us for!

with deep compassion, pearl.  

[blackorchid]

Thank you Pearl. I’m so sorry to hear of all that you’ve been through. But at the least it makes me feel better knowing than someone else does this. He has never been diagnozed with BPD. I came to the conclusion after much researching. Like I said docs here aren’t great. They just say he has anger issues.

When you’re SO does it how long does it normally take him to self soothe and come back to you.

I feel like this time it’s worst because so many people are getting involved. I’ve had the vilest messages from his sis and brother. Telling me I made their brother ill and this time they will make sure that he listens to them and won’t come back to me.

His friend who was staying her for a holiday was creeping me out as I’d never met him before and he kept telling me he would come back to my city to help me move house or to open the bills into his name.

I mentioned this yesterday to a girlfriend who is married to my BFs friend. Who went on to tell him. So now he has something else to be angry at... .
I am a liar (of course) and his friend wouldn’t do that.


The hyper sexuality is making me worried. It’s tourist season here and he has moved into the hotel he has just started work at. So it will be easy for him to pick up a tourist. Which makes me sick to the pit of my stomach.

I’m so fed up of people getting involved. The whole thing wouldn’t have happened if people didn’t come to our house in the first place and now it’s just getting worse and worse and I’m left helpless watching it all unfold unable to do anything.


Honestly what I want? Him just to hurry up and come home. But I have no control over that. I hate how everyone just things I’m a fool and a pushover. So I can’t voice that to anyone. But that is all I want.