How to answer or not answer anymore

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Given my gf has strong traits on BPD and she’s in therapy I’m finding myself in a conundrum on certain things .It really isn’t complicated but I can really use advice so that I don’t “over think” or “react” wrong.Like most ppl and couples we tease and stuff verbally that’s all perfectly normal.Now comes the however part : this past few days I received some what I would like to think are playful jests but given the way people with BPD react or feel ,I’m no longer sure or confortable on how to answer them.I got a text with a beautiful beach so I thought wow nice play you want to go there someday? She answered ,just thought it was pretty we should go there for our honeymoon.Also last night I told her ,reserve me a kiss this week when I come see you, I got the ,ill reserve anything for you.Now as cute and playful as those are I just have a tiny fear they may be , infatuation maybe again like in the beginning 7-8 months ago.I hope not really but I’m on guard.With that said how does one answer or should I’m this case?

I know it seems petty maybe stupid I posted for this but I really just want to be sure ,opinions ? Thanks

[Shawnlam]

Given my gf has strong traits on BPD and she’s in therapy I’m finding myself in a conundrum on certain things .It really isn’t complicated but I can really use advice so that I don’t “over think” or “react” wrong.Like most ppl and couples we tease and stuff verbally that’s all perfectly normal.Now comes the however part : this past few days I received some what I would like to think are playful jests but given the way people with BPD react or feel ,I’m no longer sure or confortable on how to answer them.I got a text with a beautiful beach so I thought wow nice play you want to go there someday? She answered ,just thought it was pretty we should go there for our honeymoon.Also last night I told her ,reserve me a kiss this week when I come see you, I got the ,ill reserve anything for you.Now as cute and playful as those are I just have a tiny fear they may be , infatuation maybe again like in the beginning 7-8 months ago.I hope not really but I’m on guard.With that said how does one answer or should I’m this case?

I know it seems petty maybe stupid I posted for this but I really just want to be sure ,opinions ? Thanks

[isilme]

Are you engaged?  If not, the honeymoon comment is a bit loaded.  If you are, it's pretty safe to answer, that'd be nice if we can swing it.

I have some non-committal answers that are on par with "yes, dear", when I have trouble reading H and his moods.  I feel bad, because he claims at times he is playing with me, joking, but to me it often feels he is actually criticizing.  Given that I am weird, both overly empathetic due to having two BPD parents growing up, but also socially untrained even at 41 years old, I don't always catch things the right way.  I think someone on here said I might actually be on the light-end of Asperger's that it is not uncommon for those of us attracted to pwBPD to be along that spectrum.  And throw in the BPD-fed tendency to be a little mean or cruel at times, but then claim it was a joke, and I can feel wrong-footed. 

Also, try to remember that not all texts or comments require a reply.  It's okay to change the subject, start a new conversation, or just wait until you have something to say.  In today's social media-driven world, where we all have a communication device on us at all times, we forget it's okay to not respond.

[WileyCoyote]

Hi Shawn,
  Being unsure and reaching out is never stupid.  Healthy interdependence is something to strive for.  

I would like to share with you some similar thoughts I have had myself.  

Recently I have made some major changes in how I present myself to my wife.  Namely, actually being MYSELF.  At first this was not taken well by my wife, with intermittent bursts of bad behavior.    Then she started acting completely different.  Talking sincerely about serious topics and being kind to me.  Telling me that I am a great dad.     :)on't get me wrong.  There is still daily attempts to pull me in to the quagmire, but she seems to be responding to my healthier behavior. I feel like an extinction burst is looming, but I try not to let that fear drive me.

I say all that to share a convo I had with my T.
I told him that I am having a hard time believing that her behavior is "real".  That it is not a trick.  But I desperately want it to be real and not a ploy to pull me back into codependency.   Where all the good is pulled away and I am blamed. He asked me... .if it was "real" would you act differently than if you knew it wasn't?  I thought about this hard... .No, I would not.  I would keep being me and appreciate what I could.  Treat it as real until it is not.  Take the moment for what it is until it derails.  BUT the derailment is not inevitable.  I just steel myself for the LIKELY outcome and enjoy the pleasant behavior. Rewarding the good behavior when I can by letting my wife know that I noticed. Knowing all the while, that if something goes sideways for HER, I will be fine.

How would you answer that question?  If it was "real" would you act differently than if you knew it wasn't?

[Shawnlam]

Yeah know last weekend I had that conversation with myself ,no joke.I said to myself “shawn are you acting as you right now (the new me that is)”, and the answer was yes.I then said what if she’s trying hard to pull you in but then goes back to pushing you away , should you act different ? My answer was no because then that wouldn’t be me then I would feel off. I guess like most here I just have to remind myself to just act like me,when or if conflict arises then I’ll just deal with it then .I was kinda hoping believe it or not that her therapy may have corrected her push and pull type behaviors,but in all fairness she did tell me she was now aware of them VS before she wouldn’t have acknowledged that behavior.

I think besides the issues she is working on , her turning 30 is also a period of self reflection in her life right now.Her mom,sister and others have told her it’s time to grow up a bit,get serious about what you want in life and work to get it.She then told me she wanted the family life and home versus the party girl,bachelorette life .Shes going through a lot lately I need to give her the space,comfort she needs from me so she can deal through it properly and unpressured.

[WileyCoyote]

Yeah know last weekend I had that conversation with myself ,no joke.I said to myself “shawn are you acting as you right now (the new me that is)”, and the answer was yes.I then said what if she’s trying hard to pull you in but then goes back to pushing you away , should you act different ? My answer was no because then that wouldn’t be me then I would feel off. I guess like most here I just have to remind myself to just act like me,when or if conflict arises then I’ll just deal with it then .I was kinda hoping believe it or not that her therapy may have corrected her push and pull type behaviors,but in all fairness she did tell me she was now aware of them VS before she wouldn’t have acknowledged that behavior.

   

It feels like there is positive momentum here for both of you!  Her awareness (while not likely to immediately stop bad behavior) is a huge development IMO.  You can't take steps forward until you can see where you stand.   And if she steps in a puddle and calls it quicksand, you sound like you will be able to see it clearly.

[formflier]

I was kinda hoping believe it or not that her therapy may have corrected her push and pull type behaviors,but in all fairness she did tell me she was now aware of them VS before she wouldn’t have acknowledged that behavior.
 

It's good that she is aware.  You also have a role to play in helping keep her centered.

The "visual" that I use is to make sure that you are always "in between" (about halfway) where she "is at" and "center" or "neutral"

So... .imagine a 1 to 10 scale.  She gives you a "push" of 6 (get away from me blah blah blah) you should give her a "3" push back ("some space would be good for us to reflect". 

Same for "pull" if she gives you a 6 (let's go to this beach on our honeymoon), give her a 3 back (thinking about potential trips makes me feel closer).

It's not the exact words that matter, but that you are "in between" them and neutral.

Get the idea?

Example of bad:  She gives you a pull of 6 (beach/honeymoon) and you give her (yeah... and let's get pregnant too and buy a house together).  See how that would "up the ante"?

FF

[sotiredofthis]

The "visual" that I use is to make sure that you are always "in between" (about halfway) where she "is at" and "center" or "neutral"

FF

This is amazing. I needed this. Thank you.

[Shawnlam]

It's good that she is aware.  You also have a role to play in helping keep her centered.

The "visual" that I use is to make sure that you are always "in between" (about halfway) where she "is at" and "center" or "neutral"

So... .imagine a 1 to 10 scale.  She gives you a "push" of 6 (get away from me blah blah blah) you should give her a "3" push back ("some space would be good for us to reflect". 

Same for "pull" if she gives you a 6 (let's go to this beach on our honeymoon), give her a 3 back (thinking about potential trips makes me feel closer).

It's not the exact words that matter, but that you are "in between" them and neutral.

Get the idea?

Example of bad:  She gives you a pull of 6 (beach/honeymoon) and you give her (yeah... and let's get pregnant too and buy a house together).  See how that would "up the ante"?

FF

Excellent points I will put this into practice ,thank you!

[formflier]

This is amazing. I needed this. Thank you.

You are welcome!  Focus on "mindset", vice trying to "memorize" lines or something like that.

Plus... ."thinking through" how to say this or "stay between" the numbers will cause you to "pause and think", vice react.  Almost always... .pausing and thinking before speaking is a good thing.

 

FF

[pearlsw]

It's good that she is aware.  You also have a role to play in helping keep her centered.

The "visual" that I use is to make sure that you are always "in between" (about halfway) where she "is at" and "center" or "neutral"

So... .imagine a 1 to 10 scale.  She gives you a "push" of 6 (get away from me blah blah blah) you should give her a "3" push back ("some space would be good for us to reflect". 

Same for "pull" if she gives you a 6 (let's go to this beach on our honeymoon), give her a 3 back (thinking about potential trips makes me feel closer).

It's not the exact words that matter, but that you are "in between" them and neutral.

Get the idea?

Example of bad:  She gives you a pull of 6 (beach/honeymoon) and you give her (yeah... and let's get pregnant too and buy a house together).  See how that would "up the ante"?

FF

Hey FF,

This is some interesting advice, thanks for sharing this. I like how you show a way to reply, but not react in these examples. It has a nice balance to it.

And to Shawnlam,

I think you need to be very wary of the "honeymoon comment". That is pretty loaded and I can easily imagine this getting a lot, lot worse if you are not exactly in sync with her feelings... .and that is not a small thing.

FF, gave you some great advice, but I would be ready for the pressure to increase. Get in touch with your feelings, think about what you want and don't, and be ready to say it honestly, if carefully.

wishing you the best, pearl.

[formflier]

To clarify... .you don't "have to" do this...

If the goal is returning to "neutral", this is helpful. 

There are times when things need to be said... .and just say it... succinctly.  Generally that should be rare.

During those times... .say it and let them process it and do what they do.

FF