Your spouse has been (sort of) diagnosed with BPD. Not something you can get a lot of leverage with, but maybe. It can go one of two general ways. If your spouse will get into serious therapy, DBT or CBT, and truly apply it in her thinking, perceptions and overall behaviors over the long term, then your marriage can become workable. However, if your spouse discounts this or fakes changes such as by taking a few sessions and then declaring herself cured, then separation or divorce is a more practical solution.
It all depends on her handling of things. You can't fix her. (Probably she can't listen to you because the emotional baggage of your close relationship drowns out whatever sincere attempts you have made in the past.) It takes a trained expert to guide her toward recovery. But the key element is that she chooses to recover. Perhaps getting on a pathway to recovery will be a lifetime task for her, at least to stay on the path. (As a rough analogy, consider alcoholism. It is often a lifetime challenge, not just to get dry but to stay dry or keep the impulses at bay.)
It is very important that your spouse keeps seeing the psychiatrist or whomever is recommended. If she sets aside her Denial of the impact of her skewed perceptions and gets into sessions that can really help her and she applies them, then there is hope.
There are tutorials on Boundaries here. Strong and appropriate boundaries are vital. Likely she's managed to smash or derail many of your attempts to limit the stress, discord and chaos.
Do you see the
RELATIONSHIP TOOLS menu near the bottom of this thread? One of its links is
Values and Boundaries. You, and your BF too, need to review how to handle the ex's inquiries, demands, reactions and overreactions. Here's what I wrote recently to another new member:
I found this site in the first month or two after our separation in late 2005 — and I'm still learning or refreshing my memory. This is all a process, but in a positive direction. Collectively, our coping skills weren't very good at first, often just being passive, compliant, acquiescing and appeasing. We were accustomed to getting slammed down every time we tried to stand up for ourselves. Here we have the opportunity to educate ourselves, learn communication skills, be more observant and more capable. You've just gotten some excellent posts on communication approaches.
One change you'll note by gaining education on these matters is that you can make more informed and more confident decisions, responses and observations. Your boundaries will become better and more effective. I had a hard time getting it drilled into my head what effective boundaries actually are. I thought they were, "You must do ___ or you must not do ___." Wrong, in most cases we really can't force our spouse or ex to change or respect our boundaries. It's almost like boundaries are to them as waving a red cloth is to a bull, it must be attacked, gored, trampled.
A key insight I eventually understood was that the boundary is for us, not the others who are more inclined to trample them. So the boundary is on us to maintain, as in, "If you do ___ or do not do ___ then I will do ____." See the difference? We take charge of the boundary aspect which we can control. The others can ignore it or not but their actions will guide how we apply our boundary.
