How to stop this vicious cycle?

[Chosen]

According to my uBPDh:

1. He has very low expectations for me as a wife, but I constantly fail him (me: I don't think I'm that terrible as a wife.  He doesn't have "very low expectations" for me, and he also expects me to do things exactly the way he wants.  Actually, he wants everybody around him to do exactly as he instructs, otherwise they "sabotage his life", "make it difficult for him", etc)

2. He does everything in my best interest and he wants me to be happy (me: I think he does want me to be happy, and when I'm unhappy he either takes it as a personal attack- even for things unrelated to him- or he will attack me for being "unable to please".  He doesn't understand that sometimes he is the source of my unhappiness)

So what happens is, he will usually expect me to do something ("X", but somehow I will not be able to do it properly- at times through fault of my own (e.g. not following his instructions, forgot to do it, rebuked him and didn't want to do it etc), at times completely not my fault (e.g. he is going to buy something, and asks me where he can get it.  I tell him to go to a certain place where I have bought the item before.  He goes there, they no longer sell it.  He will say I lie to him and how come he marries a liar and why should he trust me etc.).  Then he will scold me/ lash out at me (depending on how frustrated he is/ how big the "mistake" it) and I will apologise.  But he will of course not leave it at that.  He will keep on going on and scolding me/ having passive aggressive remarks for a very long time.  Which means I will either be crying or looking a bit sombre. 

When he sees the way I look (you can't really expect me to be laughing and giggling when being scolded, right?  And even if I'm smiling, I'm sure he will find fault in that as well), he will say "I do everything to make you happy, and look at the way you look now.  You disgust me/ it is very unpleasant to be with someone like you/ etc."  He will also say "I don't like to instruct you like I'm teaching a child.  Why do you always have to make me do that?"  Obviously I can't suggest him to "overlook my mistake" or say stuff like "I wouldn't be looking upset if you didn't go on and on about how I constantly fail you".

Argh.  This tires me and also makes me feel crap.  Like I'm good for nothing.  Oh, and the uBPDh would often say I'm the worst mistake of his life, he wished he's never married me.  At other times (rarely though), he would say he can't live without me.  Granted, he takes care of me and the family very well, and I do believe he loves me (but as I often "joke" to him, I think he loves me but doesn't like me.) 

The only way to prevent this type of occurence is to avoid making any "mistakes", which I'm sure I won't be able to.  But I'm really sick of repeating and repeating this kind of scenario!  I am tired of constantly being told I'm wrong, then apologising for it (note: if I'm really not wrong at all I will try my best not to JADE), then being told he hates the way I look and why I have to ruin everything.  Am I saying/ reacting wrongly so this keeps happening?  What should I do to reduce this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi Chosen,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time with your husband. Any relationship, I've found, can develop some pretty bad patterns that can get pretty entrenched. It is even more difficult without the communication skills that might steer you out of certain problems.

I think the first thing I'd recommend, and I need to do this too, again, is to start a meditation practice. If you seriously commit to meditation you can slow yourself down and grow a well of compassion inside yourself like nothing else in this world.

I know, this is not for everyone, not always practical or even interesting for all, but this is the kind of self-help that can help melt away resentments, slow down reaction times, help dispel anger, and much more - it is an amazing thing. (And free!)

Short of that, I'd say that it is time to go back and study the skills here. Take some time every day to read and think and put those practices into your head so you will be ready with them. They are not just for the crisis times. Sometimes I think I've used them that way and I noticed Skip (the site director) recently indicating we ought to be using them in an even broader sense - or I think that is what he was suggesting.

So, this always, always comes back to us. They are gonna do what they do, our partners, and it will be frustrating and painful and the tools will feel futile some days, but if you can find a way to dig deep and make a commitment to bringing your best to your communication maybe you will see some changes, at least in your own inner peace if nothing else - but that is a lot!

wishing you peace, pearl.