help absent for a year or 2, trying to get to Adult Children Discussion

[debday]

Hi!

I'm struggling with what appears to be the disintegration of my family of origin.  My mother was a BPD, and NPD.  My dad was pretty narcissistic.  And, realistically, they actually also had a lot of great characteristics.  My family has generally been relatively close.  Last year my 89yo mother killed herself.  A shock, but not a total surprise, as she had been clear for 30 years, that she would do this.  My dad died in January.  My sibliings are acting as though it is normal to delay, or not even have a memorial for my dad.  Last year, 3 of us made one for my mom.  The other sib insisted that he wanted to delay to this summer, as it was more convenient for him.  Well, now we have another dead parent!  And that sib is saying that Next year is more convenient!  And now the other 2 aren't talking about recognizing his passing, either.  I don't really know.  I don't get it.

They are all treating me as though I am bizarre to want to have a memorial for my dad.  (whom they all loved, and miss - they did not have bad relationships with him!)

The thing that is hardest right now, is that the message I am getting, is that it is unreasonable for me to want to have memorial for our dad, as we did for our mom.

To me, this feels like a completely broken family.

[Harri]

Hi debday and welcome back.  I am so very sorry to hear of the passing of both your parents.  That is a lot to deal with for sure.   

I am not sure what is going on with your siblings but I can understand that it must hurt and be confusing, especially if no one is directly giving an answer regarding a memorial.  That said, how would you feel about putting one together yourself?  Pick a date, notify your siblings and then leave the decision to them.  At least this way you can do what seems to be important for you.

Have you and your siblings ever talked about your parents and your childhoods?  They may have had different perceptions of your parents than you do?  I am just guessing here.  what do you think?

[Kwamina]

Hi debday

I am very sorry both of your parents have passed away. Your mother sadly took her own life and now your father is gone too.

The situation with your siblings unfortunately only makes this more difficult for you. How are things now?

It's hard to tell why your sbibilings behave the way they do, do you also see other puzzling behaviors in them? Do you believe they have truly accepted the fact that both your parents are gone now?

I think it's very normal and very reasonable that you would want to have a memorial for your dad.

Take care and welcome back

The Board Parrot

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for the loss of your parents.

While you felt your family was close, and you had some positive experiences growing up with BPD/NPD parents, keep in mind that your siblings also had their own individual experiences growing up in your family. They may have appeared to feel a certain way when with family ( to keep the peace ) but possibly had difficulties as well. People also deal with their grief in an individual way.

I do think it is reasonable for you to want a memorial service for your father, yet it is also possible that your siblings don't want to do one, or don't feel emotionally ready to have one. You all are one family, but you are also each individuals responding to his/her relationship with your father. They may not feel up to showing up as if all was OK with them and your father when it was not.

I was very attached to my father and his passing away was very difficult for me. Yet, along with the grief was an odd sense of freedom that I didn't expect to feel. Because I loved my father and wanted to please him, I was not allowed to stand up to my BPD mother. If I did, she would go to my father ( in victim mode) and he would rescue her by punishing me. When he passed away, I no longer feared his disapproval of me. That didn't mean I would mistreat my mother- I didn't want to do that, but it also meant I didn't have to allow her to mistreat me.

Your siblings may also be feeling a sense of freedom from an obligation and not ready for what they may consider another one.

But back to your wish to honor your parents- your father. It is a nice one. I think it is reasonable to want a memorial for him, but your sibs may not want to attend. You can still honor him. You can have your own memorial but there are other ways to honor him. One is to donate to a charity he would have supported in his memory. Provide the flowers for a religious service, donate to the school/ college he attended in his name- designate it for scholarships or a building/development fund, an animal shelter if he liked animals. Do what speaks to your heart so you can express your grief and feel you have done something good in the memory of your father.

Consider that the timing of getting together with your siblings is less important than that you all do get to be together. It doesn't need to be a solemn occasion- it can be a reunion or other situation. When you are all together you can take some time to remember your father.

[zachira]

Your family sounds a lot like mine. My mother is BPD and NPD, and my father was pretty narcissistic. I have been in therapy for years due to the toxic family dynamics. I can only imagine what you are going through, and how painful this is. My siblings have never really wanted to take a look at how our dysfunctional family has affected them, and as a result, seem to want to deny their feelings. You may be in a similar situation. It is sometimes easier to bury painful feelings than to feel them, which I believe is the case with my siblings. We welcome your sharing on this Board how you are feeling and what is going on. There are many of us here who are/have been in similar situations to yours. We are here to support you and listen. Is there anybody you can talk to other than your siblings that might be more able to empathize with how you are feeling? It is so terribly painful to deal with your family disintegrating after the death of your parents. Hopefully you will be able to find ways to stay connected with your siblings, and maybe you can write up some of your memories of your dad and share them with friends, family, and other people that would appreciate them. Would you be willing to have a memorial service for your dad whether your siblings come or not? Maybe you can still get your siblings to agree to set a date for the memorial service for your dad if you only ask about a date, and do not ask whether they want one or not.