Hi Thayer
I join
Wendydarling in welcoming you here
There is nothing more challenging than watching our children struggle with independence, especially when your grandson is involved. My heart goes out to you
She feels angry, alone and doesn’t own her behavior. I want to rescue her and the baby but have done that over and over. She sees us not being there for her. We are trying not to be codependent.
I think part of being angry and alone is about making you feel responsible for her. I'm glad you recognise that rescuing her hasn't led to a better outcome for her/or for you. I have been in your shoes, where I rescued my DD27 and GD1 for 12 months and lost myself and my life in the process. It was fine for her until I pushed back and then the rages started and I've now been cut off for six months. I also get the lies and manipulation; since being cut off I've learned of an almost double life she was living that I was unaware of until about 9 months after the baby was born. My daughter was incredibly angry and hurt and felt rejected/abandoned, enough to cut me out.
Wendydarling and other parents provided me with much encouragement when I came here in crisis. I've been working through my grief, trying to understand BPD, as nothing I was doing has really every worked. I've learned to step back and breathe, learn strategies to care for myself and learn the tools needed to support her without rescuing her. It is a work in progress and very much baby steps.
It will be a very delicate balancing act of loving your daughter and also being there for your grandson while supporting her as parent.
Blueskyday is travelling a similar journey and there is much wisdom in her approach. I think critically it is about finding calm moments to help them help themselves and engage them in this discussion, rather than providing advice.
I wish you well Thayer and hope you keep coming to share as we are here to support you through the crisis and beyond.
Kind regards
Merlot