Sadness, my 23yr daughter and 6 week grandson, waiting for place in Sober Home

[Thayer]

Hi All,
New to this sight and looking for support and ideas. I have a 23 y o daughter w/ undiagnosed BPD. She is 23 Living in CA - currently in a hotel since she had just been kicked out of her living sotuation(friend and her kids, plus ex- boyfriend).
She just had a sweet baby boy (6 weeks) and is on welfare waiting to go into a women’s Sober Living Home. She feels angry, alone and doesn’t own her behavior. I want to rescue her and the baby but have done that over and over. She sees us not being there for her. We are trying not to be codependent.
I’m so sad when I think of how she must feel - alone, abandoned by us and unsupported.
Looking for others parents who have  young adult daughters who are not willing to help themselves and continue to self sabotage. Also, this baby... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Thayer

Welcome to bpdfamily.    I'm glad you've joined us for support and ideas, many parents are in similar situations to you, you are not alone. We are all working through here together, supporting each other. I understand your worry and your daughter perceiving you don't care couldn't be further than the truth is hard to deal with.  If you read posts here many parents are doing exactly as you are, standing back from enabling, rescuing, exacerbating and investing in ourselves, gaining knowledge, working on improving the core relationship through the communication tools and lessons here.

A move to the Sober Living Home may be a good one? My 29DD spent time in a Women's Crisis home twice in 2016, a month each time and it was a very positive experience, they provided her the support and space she needed at that time, it was a stepping stone to helping herself. I wish that for your daughter. jones54's daughter is presently in a transition home recovering from drug addiction.

Has your daughter ever talked with you about her struggles? We are listening, when you feel comfortable to share a little more.

Thayer have you met with your daughter since her son, your grandson was born?

WDx

[Merlot]

Hi Thayer

I join Wendydarling in welcoming you here

There is nothing more challenging than watching our children struggle with independence, especially when your grandson is involved.  My heart goes out to you 

She feels angry, alone and doesn’t own her behavior. I want to rescue her and the baby but have done that over and over. She sees us not being there for her. We are trying not to be codependent.

I think part of being angry and alone is about making you feel responsible for her.  I'm glad you recognise that rescuing her hasn't led to a better outcome for her/or for you.  I have been in your shoes, where I rescued my DD27 and GD1 for 12 months and lost myself and my life in the process.  It was fine for her until I pushed back and then the rages started and I've now been cut off for six months.  I also get the lies and manipulation; since being cut off I've learned of an almost double life she was living that I was unaware of until about 9 months after the baby was born.  My daughter was incredibly angry and hurt and felt rejected/abandoned, enough to cut me out.

Wendydarling and other parents provided me with much encouragement when I came here in crisis.  I've been working through my grief, trying to understand BPD, as nothing I was doing has really every worked.  I've learned to step back and breathe, learn strategies to care for myself and learn the tools needed to support her without rescuing her.  It is a work in progress and very much baby steps.

It will be a very delicate balancing act of loving your daughter and also being there for your grandson while supporting her as parent. Blueskyday is travelling a similar journey and there is much wisdom in her approach.  I think critically it is about finding calm moments to help them help themselves and engage them in this discussion, rather than providing advice.

I wish you well Thayer and hope you keep coming to share as we are here to support you through the crisis and beyond. 

Kind regards
Merlot