In her most recent rage, I told her we cannot fix this ourselves, we need help

[hoemee]

Hello everyone, I have been following this board for some time and have been hesitant to post because I believe advice is what we ask for, but already no the answer... .anyways - here goes:

I have been involved with a female that I am pretty sure would be diagnosed with BPD.  When I first encountered her, my journey of self education began with the question of " how can someone have such a high opinion of themselves, yet have such a low self image... .which initially led me to study narcissism.  Further experience with her began to bring BPD into the picture and I think both conditions exist.

With her, I have been through the idolization, devaluation and discard phase.  Within weeks she was once again involved with the "perfect guy".  After about two months of no contact, I initiated contact and we began again - as she tossed the current BF to the curb immediately without a second thought.  Armed with so much knowledge I figured we could do this right again.  We have been together ever since and are currently engaged... .which I think may have been a mistake on my part.

I have experienced splitting, black and white thinking, mirroring, projections (rage), silent treatments as she hits every criteria on the list for BPD except cutting or self mutilation.  Her dominate or over arching display is fear of abandonment.  FWIW, I have completed a 12 week course of therapy for C-PTSD for my issues.  I connected with a wonderful psychologist who helped me and really opened my mind and begin to understand myself and many of these issues.

Having said that - understanding these issues in no way helps you navigate through them while you are experiencing them.  They are emotionally painful even though you know what she is doing, why she is doing it, etc.  

She has triggered and successfully tied into some of my issues, such as the white knight complex and perhaps my empathic/co-dependancy issues.  Fast forward to where we are today - I have begun to employ boundaries and they are not going so well.  When she rages - I leave.  No more financial support - she is failing financially.  She is on the verge of being evicted and I will not let her move in with me.  When I discussed a prenuptial agreement... .well, the latest blowup and most violent rage I have seen to date - nothing physical.

Having said all of that I know she loves me and I do lover her - and her children - and they have bonded with me (12, 11, 5 and 4 yrs old), further complicating things.  I find myself at times trying to shield the children from her and try to get her to realize what she is doing.  I consider myself very strong willed intelligent person, but I will admit I am no match for what i think is BPD.

Of course as an empth I understand and want to help her!  I truly do understand you cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves... .or in these cases, someone who isn't even aware they need help in the lifetime wake of destruction that would make General Sherman blush.

In her most recent rage, I told her we cannot fix this ourselves - we need help.  I told her I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix us and suggested counseling/therapy.  Surprisingly she entertained the thought... .and sheepishly agreed.  I don't believe her; I think it is just her mirroring and trying to regroup and maintain control.

I am hopeful; but I am empty.  My life would be so much improved if we ended it and I walked away forever.  I am trying to be strong and maintain boundaries... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi hoemee and welcome.   Congrats on making your first post. It's always a big first step.

First off, I think you have done some brave and excellent work on boundary setting already. And it was a great move to propose counseling together rather than demand she go alone. I think you are very much on the right track.

In terms of your work here, I suggest you post on threads of members in a situation similar to yourself to gain context on your own relationship and start building your support network.

How does she behave towards the children, and how do you try to shield them? And what are you doing to maintain self care in what sounds like a very toxic situation?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[hoemee]

Thank you for your reply... .as far as the children, it is overtly her rage.  When she is triggered she screams at them out of control, sometimes with profanity.  Covertly, it is using them for supply to console herself.

As far as support - none so far, other than this board.  This is ingrained and I know it as a law enforcement officer; we do not ask for help, nor do we admit weakness.  We have a very distorted thought process that we are supposed to help and protect others, never admitting weakness because we have to be strong and fix things.  I know this is not right, but very hard to reverse.  Also shame; for allowing myself to get into this situation, not wanting to let anyone know... .

I do reset by being alone - again, I know isolation will not help me, but working through it... .

[pearlsw]

I consider myself very strong willed intelligent person, but I will admit I am no match for what i think is BPD.

Of course as an empth I understand and want to help her!  I truly do understand you cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves... .or in these cases, someone who isn't even aware they need help in the lifetime wake of destruction that would make General Sherman blush.

I am hopeful; but I am empty.  My life would be so much improved if we ended it and I walked away forever.  I am trying to be strong and maintain boundaries... .

Hi hoemee,

Glad you have started posting! It takes time, but there are so many supportive and insightful people here who are willing to offer so much to each other! We are not alone in this.

Oh, I hear ya! I feel at times I am no match for this either. Other days I realize how much of my pride and ego is involved in facing this and "defeating" it. But ultimately it is something we manage with. We will have our own highs and lows in facing these struggles. We will have successes and our share of personal failings.

How long of a relationship is this may I ask?

Given your line of work, and what you've described here, I can see why you face this alone. Heck, I've tried to face this alone! It can't be. We need each other to avoid isolation and to help sort out the confusion - this doesn't make us weak, but quite skilled actually that we found this place and participated.

What else do you do to avoid isolation? Has this affected your work, friendships, etc.?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[hoemee]

Thank you for your kind words Pearl.  This relationship has been going on for about a year.  It hasn't affected my job or my friendships, other than I push people away.  I have a small business on the side involving computers which is actually a sort of therapy for me.  I really enjoy what I do and interacting with my customers.  It is satisfying and rewarding as they appreciate what I do - this is quite opposite to my law enforcement career that is primarily riddled with conflict and stress.

[pearlsw]

Thank you for your kind words Pearl.  This relationship has been going on for about a year.  It hasn't affected my job or my friendships, other than I push people away.  I have a small business on the side involving computers which is actually a sort of therapy for me.  I really enjoy what I do and interacting with my customers.  It is satisfying and rewarding as they appreciate what I do - this is quite opposite to my law enforcement career that is primarily riddled with conflict and stress.

Hi hoemee,

Oh sure!

Oh, interesting... .you say (way above) you are hopeful, but empty. Can you tell us a bit more about the emptiness you are feeling? What is that about?

Wow. It's tough! One year in and already thinking about counseling. (I have had a couple relationships where I tried to pull out all the stops and give it my all like that.) I imagine you must love her very much, but are feeling so frustrated that despite all that it just doesn't quite work at the moment, and I imagine you worry where this might be going. How do you feel about that at the moment? Are you conflicted or sure you want to work on things?

I am so glad to hear you have these other outlets and there are things that bring you satisfaction in life. It sounds like you have a good sense of wanting to balance the different sides of your life - that's impressive. I want to be cautious too though. Maybe you are a bit like me, the kind of person no one tends to help because you seem to have it all together? I am not sure, it's just something about the way you write, but in any case, I hope you stick around and give and take support here because these issues can indeed be incredibly challenging and I think this could be an important part of your support system.

I have some military and law enforcement folks in my family so I can somewhat imagine the stress and challenges you face. I know that takes a lot of strength, but it's okay, we all have our limits too! I tend to try to handle all life's problems on my own and have trouble asking for help. You can lean on us here! In life I just naturally think I have to handle all. And yet, here I am telling you it's great that you are asking for and getting help and wanting to say to you "Hey, Don't push people away!" Anyway, all that to say, I can get how messy and confusing life can be!

Well, let's not let you get lost and slip away in all this. Ideally you would have support while going through this. There are success stories and life can certainly become more manageable. Is there any timetable on her starting with therapy?

If she loses her housing what happens? Is this a BPD related issue, her financial or work issues that are leading to this? What specifically makes you perhaps not want to be engaged at this point? Is she counting on you for financial support or to be getting closer in the near future? Is the father(s?) of her children in the picture?

take care, pearl.

[hoemee]

Wow - you dig deep The emptiness I speak of is created I think because of walking on eggshells.  As I have attempted to educate myself on various Cluster B disorders, I have learned.  Like I had stated previously, knowing about this, seeing it in action, being able to predict responses... .and then doing what is necessary to avoid them is very tiring.  You obviously can lose a lot of yourself in this process.  That is what has prompted me to begin to employ boundaries.  To protect myself; but also to try and use them as a catalyst to either help my partner or set me free. 
     As far as a willingness to enter counseling so quickly... .having been through counseling previously with an accomplished psychologist, I know firsthand the value and necessity of it.  It was a massive hurdle for me to even seek help, let alone participate in the process and try to allow change.  On a side note, as my psychologist would blind side me with very accurate observations, I began to tell myself - ok, listen to her and do what she is telling you... .and you know what - it worked!  Another reason I know counseling is needed - I am not qualified, nor accepted  by my partner, as someone who can offer change.  She continually falls back on: if you loved me you would accept me for who I am ( emotional beatings and all ).
     As far as her timetable for therapy... .none yet - I considered it a great step forward that she would entertain it.  I have planted a seed, now I shall water it.  Therapy is ultimately to help her gain peace and her own understanding of why she does what she does.  For me it will be to illuminate any issues I may have but are not seeing in how we relate to each other. 
     As far as her potentially losing her housing... .she does have family, that I assume will assist  her.  This is tough love on my part; I have been offering her help in learning about finances and managing her money.  For her impulse spending or stress induced spending is part f the issue.  She has refused my help for the past year.  She wants financial help (more money), thinking that is the issue.  I know from life experience that I can't throw enough money at this situation and her habits will bring me down too... .hence financial boundaries.   I have stressed continually to her it is not what you make, but what you keep.  Also, if I give her a fish I will feed her for a day - but if I teach her how to fish I will feed her for a lifetime... .
     The engagement may have been premature; I do love her and she loves me and we are interested in no others.  She wants to be married for several reasons... .financial help, help in raising the children, a life partner to share with and I know she loves me.  As you know with BPD individuals there is great fear of abandonment; I wanted to show her I am here and I am constant and committed to lessen that constant anxiety.  The push/pull is ever present with her, but with the engagement I can demonstrate my commitment and get over that psychological hurdle of "you are leaving me".  It enables me to say no I am not, and can we now work on some of our issues... .
     The children... .the two oldest have a father in their life with shared custody.  However; he has been no contact with her for 5 years.  She doesn't get what this is other than "he is not allowed to talk to me" because of his current wife.  The father of the two youngest children is estranged and not allowed to see the children, by her doing.  He is into drugs, etc.  So, the two oldest children do not need a father, but I feel the pull by the youngest two.  This is another issue I have to navigate as I have never had children and wasn't prepared for this.  I love them all dearly, but have different roles to play with each of them.

... .working through this all