Introduction

[monlapin]

Hi. We found out a couple of months ago from an emergency duty Psychiatrist that my 17 year old daughter had emerging BPD. Her behaviours have hit us really hard over the last 12 months with no help or guidance from the mental health team she had seen for 3 years who would not communicate with us.

Still in the dark, but with a topic to google, I am hoping to learn tips about how to deal with someone with BPD to prevent deteriorating our relationship, and help her in her healing journey.

her father and I have been separated since she was 4 and she lived me mostly or 50% of the time. Now she goes from 100% with me for months, to "I hate you and do not want to speak to you" for weeks with no warning or reason. Any advice idea how to deal with this and remain emotionally strong please?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello there, Monlapin, and welcome to BPD Family.

You have indeed come to the right place for help... .especially on helping yourself.  That is the key - self-care which gives you the strength to face and deal with whatever comes your way.

It is sad and maddening to read that the mental health team your daughter has seen for 3 years will not communicate with you.  This should be a team effort!

You write... ."Now she goes from 100% with me for months, to 'I hate you and do not want to speak to you'.  Boy, do I relate to that statement.  So many times I would be basking in the wonderful feeling of thinking all is in the past... .then in the blink of an eye I (her Mom) was her nemisis... .the cause of all her problems.   Literally, I would be stunned, left trying to catch my breath and wracking my brain to figure out what had happened to bring this on.  The first book I read was "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" and gotta say, I sobbed when I read it because it was so validating.

I am one of the older parents participating in/on this forum, the tumultuous, roller-coaster  relationship with my daughter spanning 40 years... .me playing the role of victim to her tole as bully.  Coming on board here was a game changer for me... .and realizing it was ME who had to change.  I had to tell myself... .and then believe!... .that I had done the best I could for her... .but not for me.  I was a mess!

I so urge you to do your homework here... .all the info to the right and with links to more.  On top of that, documenting/venting your progress by posting here can really be soothing because you know you are sharing with others who are nodding when they read your posts.  We learn from each other here.  What works for one may work for another... .or may not... .but a work-in-progress is better than no work at all. 

I'm sure you can conjure some memory from the past when a change has occurred in your life.    Unless you decided to walk away, you pretty well  had to adapt and change yourself.  This is the effect that you can have upon your daughter.  (See Lesson 2 "If your current approach is not working - change it>".

Hope to hear more from you, Monlapin.   Lots of success stories here... .but I've learned that the  look of "success" doesn't always turn out the way I envisioned to be... .and that can be okay, too.

Huat

[Merlot]

Hi Monlapin

I also join Huat in welcoming you here.

"Now she goes from 100% with me for months, to 'I hate you and do not want to speak to you'.  Boy, do I relate to that statement.  So many times I would be basking in the wonderful feeling of thinking all is in the past... .then in the blink of an eye I (her Mom) was her nemisis... .the cause of all her problems.   Literally, I would be stunned, left trying to catch my breath and wracking my brain to figure out what had happened to bring this on. 

My experience has been exactly the same, loved and adored one minute to the most hated mother on the planet the next; used abused and spat out.  I can so relate to Huat's comment about being left catching my breath and trying to figure out what happened.  My brain and emotional reaction totally out of sync with each other.

I have been coming for 6 months since she cut me and off along with my granddaughter.  Huat was one of the wonderful members who posted to me in the midst of my crisis and grief.  I have spent much time reading and learning and like Huat, realising that I can't change her but I can change me.  While I a still no contact, I am more confident about paving a new way forward if and when I get the opportunity as I will have a different approach.

You say you are own your own, do you have support from family, friends or a therapist?

We are all here for you as we walk along side you and we look forward to hearing more from you.

Merlot