My mind is spinning and I need some help

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi DogMan,
Wishing you all the best. I'd just offer a couple thoughts: (1) the process of coming into a more full state of acceptance of the reality of my circumstance took three years (eight years was the full length of the journey) as I would talk myself into / rationalize why I should go another round and (2) so around and around and around I went, but each year kept getting worse, until I just had enough and said no more.  It sounds like you are in your process of getting to your "no more" too. I encourage you to be loving and caring toward yourself during this time and process and be careful with the language you use to talk to yourself in. Wishing you much health and healing.

[sdyakca]

Hi DogMan,
Wishing you all the best. I'd just offer a couple thoughts: (1) the process of coming into a more full state of acceptance of the reality of my circumstance took three years (eight years was the full length of the journey) as I would talk myself into / rationalize why I should go another round and (2) so around and around and around I went, but each year kept getting worse, until I just had enough and said no more.  It sounds like you are in your process of getting to your "no more" too. I encourage you to be loving and caring toward yourself during this time and process and be careful with the language you use to talk to yourself in. Wishing you much health and healing.

[DogMan75]

Or is it stronger than you think?

Much like many others here, I've found myself in a situation I could never have even realised the existence of. The deepest emotional abyss I've ever come across in my life so it seemed.  And yet I found a way that leads me back to finding myself back again. I think once someone gets through what many of us here are going through, it will you stronger. And maybe regarding more than you now may think

I'm glad you are able to feel better, Dogman

Thank you.

I know I’ll get through it, but it’s just slow and painful and some days are worse than others. I look back on my last heart rending breakup for perspective: 12 years ago with my daughter’s mother. Up until that point, I’d never really known true heartbreak. It took years to get over, but get over it I did.

This has been worse in many ways, but I learned a lot from that first breakup, and I remember that no matter how devastated I might feel at the moment, it will subside eventually.

[DogMan75]

Also glad to hear you are feeling better Dogman, there is always going to be the inevitable road bumps to getting through this but its not going back to square one even if it feels that way at times. A little progress and a dose of willpower each day becomes cumulative. I think your on a good track by the sounds of it.

Thanks, man.

I can’t wait to be able to truly go no contact, I think that’s going to be key.

Right now I need to be in contact with her because of a mutual legal entanglement, and from the looks of things, I’ll actually have to see her in person in October (oh god). It’s possible that I may be able to work that out sooner and avoid that, but we’ll have to wait and see.

In any case, if I’m being honest, almost all of the contact since November has been voluntary, though I was in the mindset of hopeful reconciliation. Since June, it’s been a whole different story, and all contact with her has been followed by prolonged periods of refreshed anguish.

I’ll just have to be disciplined about keeping what necessary contact there is to an absolute minimum, and keep my focus on full extrication in the minimum possible time.

That is going to be an unbelievable weight off my shoulders.

[DogMan75]

Hi DogMan,
Wishing you all the best. I'd just offer a couple thoughts: (1) the process of coming into a more full state of acceptance of the reality of my circumstance took three years (eight years was the full length of the journey) as I would talk myself into / rationalize why I should go another round and (2) so around and around and around I went, but each year kept getting worse, until I just had enough and said no more.  It sounds like you are in your process of getting to your "no more" too. I encourage you to be loving and caring toward yourself during this time and process and be careful with the language you use to talk to yourself in. Wishing you much health and healing.

Thank you.

I’m at my no more, for sure, I don’t even have a choice. It really is just grieving. I am mourning the death of hope, of my future with her, of the end of all those moments of joy and love.

The happiest moments of my entire life were with her. I know if she could have gone a different way, we could have had many more, but that’s just not the way it is.

I am entering the stage of acceptance, but the transition into that stage is arguably the most painful. It is real, it is final, and it is tragic.

The unspoken flip side of “it gets better” is that there is a point where you just couldn’t possibly feel any worse. Let’s hope I just passed that point.

[Roler]

And if you have a fall back, and find yourself going a low point, that is ok too. Just accept that as well.

It helped me, in my recovery so far, to have read as well as said to me, that is it ok and a normal thing in the process of grief, to find yourself going back and forth through the stages, that it is not a linear process but can fluctuate, and not means it should make you feel scared, disappointed or failure about that.
I'm sometimes going through all stages, sometimes even during one day, and sometimes not even in logical order. But the stages are short and especially after a moment of longing back to how things were with her, it
seems to loose some negative energy as  I've come to accept I have good days in which I seem to move forward, and worse days in which I feel I fall back.

Acceptance doesnt mean surrender or defeat. I realised some days I can accept, but the following day not. It felt like failure in making progress, but I learned it was not a simple every-day-should-be=better thinh, learned to not be so hard on myself thinking I should be making linear progress. Maybe there is an element in that for you as well, if you say the lowest point is hopefully passed?

It is acceptance of whatever you feel; not only accepting the relationship is over but also everything it makes you feel. It allows for the grief be processed, where resistance doesn't. Allow yourself to enter whatever stage you feel you go through, accept it and it can help in moving forward. Because that is where you eventually take yourself.
What do you think?

[DogMan75]

And if you have a fall back, and find yourself going a low point, that is ok too. Just accept that as well.

It helped me, in my recovery so far, to have read as well as said to me, that is it ok and a normal thing in the process of grief, to find yourself going back and forth through the stages, that it is not a linear process but can fluctuate, and not means it should make you feel scared, disappointed or failure about that.
I'm sometimes going through all stages, sometimes even during one day, and sometimes not even in logical order. But the stages are short and especially after a moment of longing back to how things were with her, it
seems to loose some negative energy as  I've come to accept I have good days in which I seem to move forward, and worse days in which I feel I fall back.

Acceptance doesnt mean surrender or defeat. I realised some days I can accept, but the following day not. It felt like failure in making progress, but I learned it was not a simple every-day-should-be=better thinh, learned to not be so hard on myself thinking I should be making linear progress. Maybe there is an element in that for you as well, if you say the lowest point is hopefully passed?

It is acceptance of whatever you feel; not only accepting the relationship is over but also everything it makes you feel. It allows for the grief be processed, where resistance doesn't. Allow yourself to enter whatever stage you feel you go through, accept it and it can help in moving forward. Because that is where you eventually take yourself.
What do you think?

Sounds familiar. I do cycle through them, to some extent, for sure.

I realize there will be ups and downs, and I’ll just have to roll with it. What else can I do, really?

My friends have been really supportive and understanding, but I’m sure they’re sick of hearing about it at this point. Hell, I’m sick of hearing it from myself. This forum has been absolutely essential in helping maintain what sanity I can through all this, and I’m sure I will continue to rely on it for a long time to come.

[Harley Quinn]

That's what it's here for DM.  I didn't realise when I first arrived here that this place would form such a large part in my journey, not only through the crisis that I was in, but everything that has followed. 

Rolling with it sounds like a good plan.  I agree with Roler - what we resist persists.  Make sure to allow yourself time to just go to bits if that is what you need on any given day.  It helps.  Then continue doing what you're doing to move forwards in your self care and set yourself little goals that you can celebrate achieving.  This worked for me to help me feel less like I was being swallowed up by an enormous black ditch and instead was being active in climbing out of it.

Love and light x 

[Harley Quinn]

Hey DM,

Just wondering how you're doing at the moment?  We're here for the good, bad or ugly. 

Love and light x

[DogMan75]

Hi Harley.

I’m ok. She’s been calling and texting off and on again since the 11th, four or five times over the last two days (she’s got impeccable timing: coinciding with my uncle’s wake and funeral).

I haven’t responded since the fifth. I’m going to have to talk to her again eventually, in Oct, at the very least.

It’s so frustrating hearing her sound so sincere and apologetic, but knowing the damage is done and irreparable at this point. I know she’s mentally ill, but she should still have known better and I’m still so angry at her for ruining what could have been. I just want to unload on her but I know there’s no point in that and it won’t help either one of us.

I’m hoping I can be further along by Oct.

[Harley Quinn]

So sorry to hear about the loss of your uncle.  That really is a tough time to be receiving emotionally loaded messages and calls.  How have you been handling that?  Do you want to offload here to vent those frustrations?  We won't take it personally 

You really are going through a lot.  Be sure to post and get support 

Love and light x