Okay to ask SO questions to confirm BPD?

[starlet564]

Hi All,

I'm new to the group.    Been in a relationship with my SO for 3 years.  Everything was wonderful in the beginning.  However, he did exhibit some red flags that he explained away or I ignored.  I am now finally starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together that were evident early on.  As most of you know, when he's good, he's great.  Not so much when he's going through a moment.  I feel for him so much though because I see the pain that he's dealt and is dealing with in his past because of this.  He is such a good guy with a compassionate heart except when he's in crisis.  I desperately want to get him help.  He said he's been through counseling and anger management.  He thinks psychologists and the DSM are crap.  He hasn't been diagnosed, but ticks all the boxes for BPD.  Are there questions that I can ask in normal conversation to get a better understanding of his thought process and confirm what I'm thinking?  Is that a naive question?

Thanks in advance.     

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[pearlsw]

Hi starlet564,

It is not advised to tell someone you think they have BPD as this can be very upsetting for them. I did this with my SO because I find descriptions of it before I found this site. He goes back and forth about it and I learned to just refer to it as "emotional sensitivity" and defuse some of the tension around it by being very positive about it. I explained we all have emotions, and his are just stronger and that is okay. I didn't want him to feel any sort of shame or oddness about being himself. I know how hard it can be to not have a way to talk about this stuff when we feel like talking about it directly could make a difference.

All in all, I learned to just focus on the behaviors and work on changing myself bit by bit to understand and manage with this reality.

You could ask him how he sees himself, if he feels upset, out of control, like this emotions are hard to manage. My SO has a brother with diagnosed mental illness so he was both more understanding and more afraid to try to figure out if he has it too. But he has always described himself as "crazy" at times so I was able to harness his self awareness a bit to get him to go further.

How does he typically respond when you talk with him about his issues?

Again, this is advised against and this is discussed here so you know about it: Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD

It'd be great if you let us know what you think once you've read it.

Proceed with caution!

best wishes, pearl.

p.s. Hopefully others will join us and share their experiences and thoughts on this topic!

[starlet564]

Thanks for the insights, Pearl.  That's the name of one of my closest friends  . 

The link was very insightful and helpful.  It all makes logical sense.  Thank you for sharing your experience too.  I like how you termed it "emotional sensitivity".  Is your SO currently seeking treatment then?

Depending on this situation and his mood, he's open.  My SO is also somewhat self-aware.  He acknowledges his temper and foul mouth.  He tells me he doesn't like talking to me like that and asks me to help him by not engaging in behaviors that bring "the demon out" in him.  When he listens to harsh, explicit music and I ask him if he identifies with it, he'll share that sometimes he does and it's part of his struggle.  Like you said, I'm curious to know if I can get him to go a bit further. 

Thanks so much!

[pearlsw]

Thanks for the insights, Pearl.  That's the name of one of my closest friends  . 

Awww, that's sweet.     I took it from the name of one of my favorite albums. (Lots of songs by a great singer about a woman in a bit of pain over her love life! )

The link was very insightful and helpful.  It all makes logical sense.  Thank you for sharing your experience too.  I like how you termed it "emotional sensitivity".  Is your SO currently seeking treatment then?

He's been taking anti-depressants for a few months. It's tough because he has BPD traits, I am not sure he'd meet the threshold of a diagnosis, but the traits he has are pretty awful. He has also been suffering from Depression and hearing he had PTSD would also not surprise me. He may also have ADHD. I have no idea and I think it would take a lot of gymnastics here to get a diagnosis so I just deal with what I see and experience as best I can. Him describing himself as "sensitive" and "crazy" were things I used as "ins" for discussion since they were his own words. But I always tried to keep it positive and not scare him over it. I wanted him to see we were a team, and that it is normal to have emotions, we all have them, his are just heightened and we needed to understand that. He agrees for the most part, so I'm been a little lucky in that sense compared to many here.

Depending on this situation and his mood, he's open.  My SO is also somewhat self-aware.  He acknowledges his temper and foul mouth.  He tells me he doesn't like talking to me like that and asks me to help him by not engaging in behaviors that bring "the demon out" in him.  When he listens to harsh, explicit music and I ask him if he identifies with it, he'll share that sometimes he does and it's part of his struggle.  Like you said, I'm curious to know if I can get him to go a bit further.

Him being able/willing to work with you in any way on this stuff is a big point in your favor! Reading and practicing the tools here, asking lots of questions, giving and sharing support can all go a long way towards seeing improvements, or at least not making things worse. The biggest step now is for you to become as aware as you can and to start the work on yourself first!

Oh sure! happy to share our experiences - the more we all participate here the more positive difference we can all make in each other's lives. The better we are all at working with these issues the more we can be there for each other. Glad to have you with us!

warmly, pearl.