Introduction : He manipulates, throws my things away, need advice

[Happysurvivor]

My partner thinks his behavior is justified by my faults. I agree that I am far from perfect. I don't agree that I deserve manipulation. He has a pattern of throwing my things away when I am away. I may have to leave him. I need advice to help me find happiness, especially in the times when he disowns me.

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[desperate.wife]

Welcome,

It is good you came here; you'll will find nice people here.
No one likes to be manipulated. What does he do to make you feel this way?
What is his reason to throw your things away?
How long are you together? What is happiness for you?

You will find here information to help you and more experienced members to find the right one for you.

From my experience I can share episode from last weekend. He was in the cellar arranging things. I saw he did something that I asked not to few months ago. He lost it. Shouted on me. Screamed. He is not like that. I left while being screamed to come back. I didn't. Later he was calm, but he didn't feel guilty. Took half day and lot of emotions to tell him it is not ok to shout no matter what my reaction was. He was surprised. After other half day that he spent somewhere alone, he texted me he was sorry, he doesn't know how to respond to my reactions.

[pearlsw]

Hi Happy Survivor,

I'd like to join desperate.wife in welcoming you here!

Can you tell us more about what leads up to him throwing your stuff away?

In what ways are you being manipulated?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[isilme]

My partner thinks his behavior is justified by my faults.

Of course he does, if he has BPD.  BPD is about making sure they are absolved of responsibility for feelings and actions based on those feelings.  It can't be their fault, because the condition won't let it be.

Once you can wrap your head around their need for avoiding blame, shame, and fault as a BIG motive in their behavior, some of it clicks.  It may be a few days after an incident, but if you can find HOW what they did or said prevented them from having to feel shame or blame, you can make more sense of it.

H always likes to say he'd not have to yell at me if I'd just not mess up.  This makes total sense to him, he has no idea how crazy that sounds.  Like, getting an alternate item because the store was out is not messing up.  

Also, you not being perfect does not factor in.  No one is.  So that's a non-issue.  You do not deserve BPD treatment.  No one does.  BPD is an emotional disorder.  They can't process emotions well at all and rely a bit on us to do some of it for them.  We are the scapegoat, we are the sounding wall/punching bag (figuratively, hopefully), we are an external emotional appendage there for them to use to work through things they just can't internally.  

So, even if the claim is "I am mad about what you chose to cook for dinner" or something like it, is it really?  Or is it he is overwhelmed with work, family, upcoming holiday expectations, illness, and is choosing to blow up over dinner because it's immediately there, and takes no introspection inside himself?  Try to remember no matter what blame is thrown at you, you do not have to catch, claim or own it.

Throwing your stuff away - this is more about making you feel as bad as he feels.  He is upset, so you have to be upset, too, so he can feel validated and also, so he can re-work the memory to make it your fault he was upset in the first place.  I think BPD very much is misery loves company, and so they want us to feel as mixed up and disordered as they do.  When we are able to remain calm, not freak out back, to even leave calmly and come back calmly, it fries a circuit.  How can you be calm when they are upset?  Aren't you enmeshed into one person?  

What type of things does he throw away?  Are they small things, things that can be replaced, or are they more personal, harder to replace?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Welcome! What you're describing sounds a lot like my ex. You are most definitely not alone in this. *hugs*

I need advice to help me find happiness, especially in the times when he disowns me.

I think being able to recognize the BPD behaviors may help. Once you get better at recognizing them, hopefully you'll also realize you are not to blame for any of it. We are responsible only for our own emotions and behaviors, not other people's. Sometimes the BPD behaviors seem to come out of nowhere and can be extreme at times. I found it helps to try to detach if you can and not react emotionally in the moment when these things do occur. Then to try to take some time to think about what just happened and what may have caused that behavior. If you're able to talk about it, can you give us a little more information about what happened when he disowns you? Is it usually in the heat of the moment? That is a very painful thing to experience. My ex would actually physically turn his back on me. It shocked the hell out of me when he would do that.

We are the scapegoat, we are the sounding wall/punching bag (figuratively, hopefully), we are an external emotional appendage there for them to use to work through things they just can't internally.

For me, sometimes my ex seems to behave like a toddler having a tantrum. I'm not saying that to be mean either. BPDs tend to struggle with emotional regulation. So do toddlers. Knowing that helps me to detach better so that I don't react emotionally in the heat of the moment. Reacting emotionally in the heat of the moment usually just made it worse from my experience. Knowing that gives me more peace of mind and I feel much better in general.

Throwing your stuff away - this is more about making you feel as bad as he feels.  He is upset, so you have to be upset, too, so he can feel validated and also, so he can re-work the memory to make it your fault he was upset in the first place.  I think BPD very much is misery loves company, and so they want us to feel as mixed up and disordered as they do.  When we are able to remain calm, not freak out back, to even leave calmly and come back calmly, it fries a circuit.  How can you be calm when they are upset?  Aren't you enmeshed into one person?

Thank you! You answered something that's been bugging me about my ex recently. It explains SO MUCH! Especially the part about "re-work the memory to make it your fault he was upset in the first place." Thank you!

[isilme]

Thank you! You answered something that's been bugging me about my ex recently. It explains SO MUCH! Especially the part about "re-work the memory to make it your fault he was upset in the first place." Thank you!

22 years into this, this is how it looks to me at least.  If everything is about avoiding responsibility and shame, you can see how the twist and turn to dodge it, and NEED it to be your fault, not theirs.

And yes, toddlers and drunk people are on par with the emotional coping skills of a pwBPD.  In fact, a lot of what I've read about it seems to indicate that for some at least, the BPD developed BECUASE at about age 2-5 years old, some form of real or perceived neglect took place, and they never learned to self-soothe in a healthy way.  I had a blankey, it was my buddy all the way to college (yes, I was 22 before I stopped needing it to sleep - but, given my current issues with worsening insomnia, maybe I need to drag it back out). 

I seem to be my husband's "blankey". 

[eggshellfiancee]

This sounds very similar to my husband.

Last night he destroyed a hat I had just purchased at a baseball game during his rage. He's already destoryed many of my clothes and several of my most valued posessions. He has told me he feels like I value those "things" over him so he will keep destorying them essentialy until he is all I have left. It's so upsetting. I in no way value my things over him, but I do hold value to some things and it hurts when he destroys them. sometimes its actually useful items too - my juicer, my hair straighter, my curling iron, my crock pot, etc. Its so upsetting. You are not alone.