Setting boundaries in a loving way

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello, BPD-Family!

While I have been working on my validation skills a lot and could reestablish a sweet and loving connection to my ex, I wanted to ask you about another tool, about how to set boundaries.
I know this i something that can escalate quickly. We are keeping our contact nothing but positive at the moment and no conflict has occured for months, I thought this was the right moment to ask you about this, so that I will be prepared in any situation where I gotta react and set them. I'd say I am acting like a little punching bag at the Moment because I am scared of losing him again and wanna change that

Maybe you have some examples of how you set clear boundaries with your partners or friends with BPD, in a way they could accept easily and they didn't feel hurt?


I can give you an example where I would like to set a boundary in the future, maybe you have advice on this:

My ex is struggling with money and I helped him out with 20 pounds in May - so nothing too big and something I really can wait for longer!
He has been asking many times if I was sure that I wanted to do that for him - it really wasn't a big deal for me!
He said he appreciated it and said thank you a million times. He told me he didn't know when he'll be able to give it back as he is struggling with money (as always), but he will give it back. I said it was okay, he can take his time and can pay it back within the next months, just when he has enough money. No rushing!

In the past he always gave my money back straight away whenever I lent something - I am not worried about not getting it back at all.
Just... .this time I am waiting for two months already, which is okay - I told him it was alright and that I do have enough while he is struggling. I jokingly reminded him two times within the past weeks and he was laughing about those jokes and told me, it's not forgotten and that I will get my money back, no need to worry - but he didn't say a word about when... . 
What makes me feel a little bad about this situation is how he keeps going to the cinema weekly and how he is tweeting about buying expensive merchandise... .well from a friend I'd expect to give the money back before I spend so much money on stuff that is just for fun - that's just my opinion. So he is spending a lot and lets me wait... .

Well, this really is a small thing and nothing I would blow up our new born friendship for.
As we plan seeing each other in October, I expect to get it back then.
Just as I know how sensitive he is when he is critisized - how would you handle this as an example of boundary setting?
To every other friend I'd just say, "Hey, before you get that merch, please give my 20 pounds back!" and it wouldn't be a big deal. It probably would make him feel attacked - so, can you give me advice on situations like this one - or heavier cases?

Thank you!

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[pearlsw]

Hi FaithfulInLove,

Well, to be honest if you really don't need the money and can wait then I'd let it be. If you need the money then you should do/say something. You don't have to loan him any more money, and if this is not a lot for you than you are not out much, so why not just let it go? If he pays it cool, if not it's the price of a small gift. That's life.

My SO owes me some money. He said he'd pay it in February, but didn't. I know he is in debt and I don't need it right now so I don't press him about it.

Are you sure you don't need the money?

sincerely, pearl.

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey pearl!

Yes, I am sure that I don't need the money and no I won't ask him of course! That's such a small thing, I won't overreact here and start a fight for nothing!

Still I wanna hear more about how to set boundaries in a way that isn't hurtful. Maybe that was a bad example as it's just really not important enough... .that's why I've been asking for your examples on standing up for yourself.

Wanna talk about this in a theoretical way: Just imagine it would've been more money and I could use it myself now and he'd still be acting like this, say "you'll get it back don't worry " and don't do it - for more than a few months maybe.
I think it actually is a quite disrespectful thing to do that - throwing around with money while letting another person wait - and those things happen a lot in BPD relationships, don't they?

Any experiences in boundary setting you can share?

[lostandconfused6]

My therapist has been working with me on setting hard and soft boundaries for the last couple of weeks. The best advice he gave me is to use "i"  or even "we" statements and not you. This is because you can't tell them how to feel or how to control their emotions no matter how ridiculous they may be they are still their feelings and emotions.

Example: instead of saying "you have to stop  yelling at me or threaten to leave me again when you get mad just to shut me up" you can say "i will believe what you tell me from now on and i will act and thing according to exactly what is said"

I will get my journal tonight when i get home and give you better examples that was just off the top of my head!

[FaithfulInLove]

Hey lostandconfused, thank you for that example, that's exactly what I've been looking for!

I'm afraid I'm not fully understanding it - I understand why you shouldn't be saying the first thing, but don't fully understand the connection to the second quotation.
"I will act accordingly to what is said" means you promise to keep promises in the future because the reason for the jelling was you not meeting the expectations, is that right? Promising to change ones behaviour instead of criticising his?

[lostandconfused6]

Hey lostandconfused, thank you for that example, that's exactly what I've been looking for!

I'm afraid I'm not fully understanding it - I understand why you shouldn't be saying the first thing, but don't fully understand the connection to the second quotation.
"I will act accordingly to what is said" means you promise to keep promises in the future because the reason for the jelling was you not meeting the expectations, is that right? Promising to change ones behaviour instead of criticising his?

im so sorry i am terrible at explaining things sometimes  they make sense in my head but don't come out right... .let me try again

this completely an example and i know this isn't the problem you are dealing with but it's the best example i could come up with... .

if the problem is your PWBPD is them threatening to leave you or trying to intimidate you to get you to be quiet or to "win" when you get in a fight or say something they don't like and you want to set a boundary  instead of telling them YOU can't threaten to leave me every time we get in a fight just to make me be quiet

you can say "I will take what you say seriously and believe what is said and act accordingly to that "

meaning if you say you are going to leave me i will take you seriously... .

this is prob a horrible explanation, but basically you aren;t supposed to use you statements because you can't tell them what to do, think or, feel (that will just start more problems) i'm sorry if i made things more complicated maybe one of the awesome users here can rephrase what i said... .i apologize again

[braveSun]

Faithfulinlove, this is a very good question. Many people struggle with boundaries. It's not easy to apply. It's more of a work in progress type of thing.

I myself struggle with this.

Here is a good place to start getting familiar with the general idea:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Basically what I understand is that boundaries are something we do for ourselves. We want boundaries because we want to discourage an offending behavior. Not because we want to punish or control our loved one.

So in the language we want to communicate what we are going to do next time, not what we want them to do. We keep the control of the output in our hands. Something along the line of:

Next time ___________________ does _________________________________, I will _____________________________ .


The last part is the consequence we will apply. This takes some reflection before hand. It's more of a strategic proactive approach on our part than it is an all or nothing ending, or a request to the other party to do something for us.

In your example with money not being returned, you could say:

Next time ______________________ asks me to borrow money I will ____________________________ .

Something I think of could be 'give him a date when I need to money returned and stick to that date'. I'd chose to restrict the time frame to a time frame I am comfortable with. I say this because of the discomfort you were expressing. Not because I believe it should always be like that in general. Boundaries are specific in nature, so the consequences need to stay specific to the behavior and context.

As a result, if the time frame I am giving him doesn't feel right for him, he still has options to try to borrow money from other sources. He is not trapped in any kind of ultimatum or no win situation.

Want to try something yourself?

Post away!...  

Brave

 

[FaithfulInLove]

I think that example is a good one, lostandconfused, I just didn't fully understand it right away, thank you!

Thank you for explaining the whole idea further, braveSun!

So , to sum this up: I'm setting values/boundaries for myself and try to express them in a non-threatening way by telling him how I will be handling similar situations in the future while he can decide himself how he will be handling them when he knows about how I will react?

[pearlsw]

Hi FIL,

Yes, the point is boundaries are for you, not him. They are not about punishment, they are about you respecting yourself and living comfortably in the world according to your values, as I understand it.

~pearl.

p.s. Thanks for taking the time to write this out and explain lostandconfused. I'm gonna save what you wrote. It is totally appropriate for my situation!

[FaithfulInLove]

I'm glad this thread is not only helpful for me

I'd love to collect some more examples if you can think of any.