Missing My Ex - Suicidal Thoughts

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't want to alarm anybody on here as I am not suicidal, but I continue to have fleeting thoughts that living without my ex is bleak. These thoughts float in and out of my head and I shut them down. I read on these boards about the type of attachments that happen to us in our childhoods. My mother was emotionally needy, bullying at times and domineering. My father was passive but had a vile temper and was self-centred. Both parents spoke alot about how much they loved us but didn't really demonstrate it in their nurturing. I was the kind of black sheep of the family for a while.

I know my type of pathology attaches in a co-dependent and anxious way to a love partner. Due to the way I was parented I think I already felt vulnerable and was suffering from low self esteem from very early on in life. I now believe that the yearning that I used to tell my exuBPD married lover I was feeling is similar to the kind of emptiness that she used to complain of. I have always looked for a woman to fix me, to make me feel whole.

I am trying to change that narrative. I read in the tools on here not to contact my ex, not to think of her as 'the one' and to get on with my life and look forward. It once took me ten years to get over breaking up with an ex gf. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't understand why I couldn't shake off the feelings of terrible loss.

I had a FB argument with somebody today who is relentless in his resentment towards me. Thanks to being in AA and thanks to working on controlling my impulses since coming onto these boards, I behaved very well, but I feel a terrible rage towards him and wanted to threaten him. I am glad that i didn't because he is trying to provoke me into a very public emotional response. I practised restraint of tongue and pen and blocked him instead. The whole altercation made me miss my ex. I don't understand why. Am I feeling unloved? My wife told me she loved me tonight but it didn't make me feel any better. Why? Why do I continue to hanker after my ex, a woman who demonstrated over a long period of time that her devotion is to her family and I was nothing but an occasional port in a storm. Why am I missing her so profoundly? When will it stop?

[RomanticFool]

I don't want to alarm anybody on here as I am not suicidal, but I continue to have fleeting thoughts that living without my ex is bleak. These thoughts float in and out of my head and I shut them down. I read on these boards about the type of attachments that happen to us in our childhoods. My mother was emotionally needy, bullying at times and domineering. My father was passive but had a vile temper and was self-centred. Both parents spoke alot about how much they loved us but didn't really demonstrate it in their nurturing. I was the kind of black sheep of the family for a while.

I know my type of pathology attaches in a co-dependent and anxious way to a love partner. Due to the way I was parented I think I already felt vulnerable and was suffering from low self esteem from very early on in life. I now believe that the yearning that I used to tell my exuBPD married lover I was feeling is similar to the kind of emptiness that she used to complain of. I have always looked for a woman to fix me, to make me feel whole.

I am trying to change that narrative. I read in the tools on here not to contact my ex, not to think of her as 'the one' and to get on with my life and look forward. It once took me ten years to get over breaking up with an ex gf. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't understand why I couldn't shake off the feelings of terrible loss.

I had a FB argument with somebody today who is relentless in his resentment towards me. Thanks to being in AA and thanks to working on controlling my impulses since coming onto these boards, I behaved very well, but I feel a terrible rage towards him and wanted to threaten him. I am glad that i didn't because he is trying to provoke me into a very public emotional response. I practised restraint of tongue and pen and blocked him instead. The whole altercation made me miss my ex. I don't understand why. Am I feeling unloved? My wife told me she loved me tonight but it didn't make me feel any better. Why? Why do I continue to hanker after my ex, a woman who demonstrated over a long period of time that her devotion is to her family and I was nothing but an occasional port in a storm. Why am I missing her so profoundly? When will it stop?

[Panda39]

Hi RomanticFool,

I come at BPD from another angle my significant other has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife, so I'm not often on this board, but I did want to pop in though and give you     .

I'm glad you decided to stop in and chat, it's really good that you are processing, trying to work through things, and talk about how you are feeling.  It looks like there are resources in the box to the right have you had a chance to check out anything there?

I wish I could tell you when the pain will stop (like a week from Thursday  , but like they say it's a grieving process and will take time... .not anyone elses time clock... .just your time how ever long it takes.

Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  I'm concerned about depression with these suicidal thoughts... .and your profound sadness... .okay time for a few more    .

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Harri]

Hi RomanticFool.  I understand how you can have suicidal thoughts but not really want to die.  It is tough but like Panda said, I am glad you reached out.  It sounds like you are made a lot of very good choices today (writing here and not getting into a fight with that guy).  The fact that you can do that while feeling so down speaks to your will to improve and to stay here.  

You mentioned some pretty serious FOO issues and for sure they impact the way you relate to others as an adult and have a big influence on who you are attracted to and when you feel comfortable.  By comfortable I mean the behaviors you grew up with and that influenced your attachment style  become your version of normal.  I don't mean on an intellectual level but an emotional one.  When FOO issues are not resolved we/you try to resolve them in other relationships, frequently romantic ones.  (I am sure you know all that since you were in AA... .just saying )

The whole altercation made me miss my ex. I don't understand why. Am I feeling unloved? My wife told me she loved me tonight but it didn't make me feel any better. Why? Why do I continue to hanker after my ex, a woman who demonstrated over a long period of time that her devotion is to her family and I was nothing but an occasional port in a storm. Why am I missing her so profoundly? When will it stop?

Could it be that your ex is similar to your parents in that they were unable to meet your emotional needs and were more self centered?  Just guessing here.  sound familiar?

The tools we teach here can help you change dysfunctional behaviors but don't really address the core wounds that are driving your urge to be with your ex.  That is more of what we focus on over at the Parents, Sibling and In-Laws board.  Check it out some time but in the meantime, keep posting here too.  The questions you are asking are good.  Sometimes therapy is called for.  I'm not saying you need it though.  It is just something you may want to think about if you are having a hard time.  If therapy is not possible for financial reasons, sometimes you can get help from a psych student (an intern who is supervised) or even on a sliding scale. 

In the meantime keep reaching out.  We've got ya.

[pearlsw]

Hi RF,

Like you I have someone who floats into my mind at times... .A "one that got away" type character. I may not have as big childhood wounds as you express here... .but I was trying to understand myself a bit this week... .Why does this person sometimes show up in my thoughts when I feel empty inside? What does this person represent to me?

One reason is for a few years he was my only friend, the person who I could rely on the most. I can't say he knew me so well, but he let me write to him and he would respond. It was disproportionate because of language differences, nevertheless the small things he wrote made me happy.

I think for me he was a source of comfort, he also represented a part of my love life, that, while not perfect, never had a chance to go bad, and that meant a lot to me. (Well, the first time I knew him at least which was decades ago things did not go badly.) But I really needed something good in life I could hold onto... .because as I look back sometimes there is a lot of loss and disappointment, things not working out. 

I think it might be important to separate out the real person you loved for so long and what needs she was fulfilling for you - perhaps both healthy and unhealthy ones. I know you've been going over these issues for awhile so it's unlikely you never considered such things, but it might be time to circle back.

I too feel a bit despondent and hopeless at times. It is not always easy to find meaning in life. I can see how a person like this seems to fill in for something missing.

I know your relationship with your wife satisfies you in some ways, and leaves holes in other ways. It's hard to watch life passing by and not being as fulfilled as we might want and feeling a bit powerless to change anything.

You are right. These are fleeting thoughts. Dark clouds in the sky of your mind. They will pass. Watch them come and go, but do not attach to them. They are just thoughts.

You know you also remind me of bit of something, another example. My father was terminally ill with cancer when I was a kid over a lengthy number of years, the better part of my childhood. It was very emotionally painful for me. But after he died, I was so used to the pain, of my love for him being bound up in pain, of just being in pain, that when he died it was almost hard for me to give up the pain because I knew once I did... .I would lose him again, lose even more than I already had if that makes any sense. So, in a way, holding onto my pain... .it was like the pain had become "my friend"... .I didn't want to let the pain go... .because then he would be really gone... .well, anyway... .

Are you holding onto the pain because it keeps you connected to her? Are you holding onto the pain because you got so used to the pain because the whole relationship was pain because it could never fully blossom into the relationship you desired with her?

I can tell you this. It is okay to let go of the pain. It doesn't mean you didn't love her, it doesn't mean she wasn't a big, important part of your life, but you don't have to carry this pain anymore.  In fact, I hope we can help you process this pain and learn to let the pain go eventually. Let it go. Maybe you need a mantra in your head, thoughts that focus you right in on this... .Maybe something like, "I let you go. I wish you peace. I wish you happiness. I wish you a good life. I let you go."

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Cromwell]

I always remember a quote I came across long time ago along the lines of 'suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'

There is a lot of soul searching to be done, a lot of feelings to make some sense of and I can relate, it can feel, for me it was; overwhelming.

In the midst of it, youve kept your composure and ignored rather than get drawn into arguments, that is hugely commendable show of strength.

I look back at my former self a few months after the relationship end, I was a walking powder keg just waiting for someone to ignite. Easily irritated and I did let off some steam on the wrong people as a result. I dont suffer fools gladly at the best of times, but in the state of mind I got to the tolerance level was near non-existent anymore.

It includes people here on this board, my primary source of support in getting out of that state. For the length of time youve been through this RF your posts come across as someone who has the strength to reach out when things become too much but in a highly self reflective way.

Dwelling on it too much and feeling sorry for myself were both ingredients that made me feel the worse. Hold on to the hope that how you are feeling now is transitory and embrace the good days and the small achievements - I found them significant looking back but couldnt appreciate their value at the time. Life is not one day, and what you have been through does not represent your life or your future.

When you miss your ex, it is a broad sweeping statement. Im sure there is stuff you dont miss combined with stuff you do?

I miss her for a lot of positive qualities she had, I do not miss her expert ability to wage war on my emotional weakpoints when she felt in the mood to do so. So it would be misleading to say to myself "i miss her" because there is major caveats involved in that statement that cant be overlooked.

At one stage I even started to 'miss' the chaos - a product of becoming climatised to it, and conditioned to expect it. As time went on I realise the faulty feeling attached, do you think over 11 years you really miss that, or was it something that happened so often that it just became an accepted form of living - a new baseline that the mind gets accustomed to rather than truly wants to live that way.

[RomanticFool]

Thank you all for your kind responses they have really helped. Panda, I'm not seeing a therapist at present but am seriously considering doing so. I was about to answer you all individually tonight when out of the blue my ex got in touch. She wanted to know whether a song I had posted on Twitter was directed at her. A very long and detailed conversation ensued in which I was very clear about where I'm at in life and how I see our respective pathologies. Of course she tried to deflect, finger point and blame about everything I brought up regarding examples of how she has hurt me, but I think something may have got through to her. I wasn't attacking or aggressive but clear and boundaried with her. It was a cathartic conversation for me and no doubt it has annoyed her but we have discussed our respective traits before in previous conversations. Her initial response is always that she has no disorders or complexes but after I go into detail about the numerous examples of how she has visited ST upon me and been less than kind, she can never just brush it off as all my doing. This isn't the start of a rekindled r/s and my initial pleasure at hearing from her was tempered by her usual dismissal and ridiculing of everything I say regarding her behaviour.