Hoping for Light at the End of the Tunnel

[looking4light113]

While listening to a podcast about someone with borderline personality disorder, I thought “that is my mom exactly”. After reading more about the disorder so many things from my life make more sense. I am not diagnosing her but she is someone who has many traits of the BPD. I finally started getting somewhere with counseling about a year ago and my mom had been living on my husband and my property in a granny flat. I asked my counselor about setting some realistic boundaries with my mother and she frankly told me the healthiest option would be for my mom to move out. Since then we asked her to move out and she has made my husband into the villain in her head. She has been so unbelievably nasty to him calling him a liar and a thief, disrespectful and all in front of me as well as  behind his back and to his face. I have defended him and told her she won’t be able to see her grandchildren (we have 3 kids) if she continues to act like this. She moves out today.

A little back story- my mom was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive in my childhood. My parents divorced because of the way she treated my father and she made it so my dad couldn’t see me by telling the courts whatever she could. She lied to us about my dad because in her eyes he was all bad. I grew up from age 8-18 only seeing or speaking to my father a handful of times. My mother made it seem like it was all my dads fault but now at 34 I am figuring out the truth. She told us lies and brainwashed us into hating my dad when she was the one at fault as well. She parentified me and shared way too much information with me and my younger brother. She will never see the truth though because in her mind her truth is the truth. Every time we get into arguments she remembers a completely different side of the story where she did nothing wrong and my husband and I are untrustworthy and all other kinds of nasty things.

I am coming here for support to figure out how I go forward with her. I have walked on eggshells with her my whole life and done everything for her. Now that my husband won’t tiptoe around her she hates him. She is mostly an overly nice person who says careless remarks and gets easily stressed. When confronted though she turns into a different person and starts spewing the nastiest most hurtful words she can come up with meant to hurt. Then later she acts as if nothing happened. My husband hadn’t seen this side of her until now. She wants to have a relationship with my children but my husband never wants them alone together. The hardest part is she doesn’t see any of it and thinks she is completely the victim. We are the delusional ones to her. My husband’s family would never treat each other this way so he is beside himself and has even thought she would hurt one of us when he’s not there. She doesn’t understand she’s legitimately given him this concern with her tone, body language and words when she has confronted him. He was never the one who wanted her out, I did and he didn’t want to until she started taking it all out on him.

Like I said, I’m hoping for some light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know how to move forward since I can’t be honest with her that I think she has a personality disorder, I can’t go back to the way things were either. Thanks for listening.

[zachira]

There is light at the end of the tunnel. You and your husband have taken the most important step by protecting your children as much as you can from your mother's influence. Protecting their children is where many children of people with borderline traits begin this journey because they don't want the grandchildren to be abused the way they were as children.
Now you are wondering how to set new boundaries with your mother now that she is moving out. There are many tools on this site and books on how to set boundaries with people who have borderline traits. You are already setting some important boundaries with your mother. The next step will be to give your mother some guidelines about the type of behaviors you will not allow in the presence of your children and how you will not allow her to abuse either you or your husband in certain ways.
I have had to set boundaries with my BPD mother and my two siblings who have borderline traits. As you know from your experiences, your mother will challenge your boundaries, and there will be times when she is behaving badly and all you can do is get up and walk away.
There are many people on this site who have been raised by mothers with challenges with BPD. Many of us are happier and healthier than we have ever been because we are facing the challenges, just like you are, of having a parent that does not know how to treat the children and grandchildren with love and respect. Take heart in knowing that things will get better, and you will indeed  meet the challenges that come your way, though it will never be easy to accept having a mother with borderline behaviors. Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and help in any way we can.

[Harri]

Hi Looking4Light!    I want to join zachira in saying welcome!  You are definitely in the right place to figure out how to manage a relationship with a mother with BPD, whether she is diagnosed or not.  It is the behaviors that we focus on and how we can change the way we respond and interact with a pwBPD (person with BPD).

What you describe with your mother and how she is now treating your husband is, unfortunately, common.  So you will definitely get tons of understanding and support here.  As zachira said, things do get better. 

Your name caught my eye.    I see positivity and determination there, and that is wonderful.  Sometimes things start to feel worse as we work on all that happened in childhood in an effort to understand how things came to be today but, again, it gets better. 

So I hope you dig in and read and post here and in other peoples threads.  I have benefitted so much from posting here and still do.  Just knowing I have a supportive community to come to when I need to talk or someone to help me get out of the rabbit hole is healing and helpful.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome looking4light113, 

Let me join zachira and Harri in extending you a warm welcome. 

Your story is so familiar as I had an uBPDm too. The nasty rages are pretty tough aren't they? Especially when you haven't done the things they accuse you of. I recently read where one of the important steps to letting go of relationships that are unhealthy for us also means letting go of the need for them to like us. That stopped me in my tracks for a bit!

I'm glad you are in T and taking steps to add to greater space between you and your mom. Are you already prepared for the stories she will be spinning about you? It can be so difficult to not be hurt by the ugly words a pwBPD says. What do you do to help you get past them?

Again, welcome to our family. There are so many others here who can benefit from your story and the things you have learned and are in the process of learning. Please jump in and make yourself at home. 

Wools

[Harri]

Hi!  How did the move go yesterday?  Let us know how you are okay?

[looking4light113]

She’s out and we have all the keys. It’s sad. She’s been so difficult for my brother. He helped her move. She insisted on taking anything that she had paid money for, her ceiling fan, screen door she can’t use for her new place, window coverings that won’t fit her new windows. My brother now is feeling very stressed about being in the middle and said he wants to be done with both of us until we can sit down and work it out. I think he knows he was overreact but it still hurts. There is no reasoning with her. All I wanted was a physical boundary and because of how hurt she has been she has treated my husband so horribly he says he will never have a relationship with her. Sometimes I wish she would have never been able to have children because of the damage she has done to me. I know that’s sad to say. It’s been a hard couple of days.

[zachira]

I am sorry that the move was so stressful and it has strained your relationship with your brother. The worst is hopefully over now that you no longer have your mom living at your home; still it really hurts to be treated so unfairly when you did everything you could to help your mom. Your mom will probably be quite nasty for awhile, though, she may calm down when it does not get her anywhere.
I often have had the thought that my mom should never have had any children because she was such an abusive parent, and then if she hadn't, I would not be here. Yes, my mom did a lot of damage, and I have spend many years in therapy because of her. You will start to feel better with time, although all of us who have a BPD parent wish we could have had a parent that loved us like all children deserve.
How old are your children? What are your plans to protect them from their grandmother?
Keep us posted on how things are going. We care and are here to help.

[Harri]

Hi.  I just saw you started a new thread.  Sorry but thank you for posting here too.

The whole situation is sad.  I am glad she moved out though.  Something had to give and hopefully you will all have some time and space in which to begin to heal.  Her taking everything she paid for is a over the top for me especially because the items  won't fit in her new place but that is on her. 

My brother now is feeling very stressed about being in the middle and said he wants to be done with both of us until we can sit down and work it out. I think he knows he was overreact but it still hurts.

I am sorry his anxiety and upset got directed towards you.  that is frustrating especially when you are already stressed out.  I think your brother is probably getting a ramped up litany of upset from your mother, not that it makes it any better.  He has to stop putting himself in the middle.  And your mother (and maybe you?) need to stop bringing him in, or trying to.  I said maybe you because I know it was something I did and did not even realize it.  A lot of us here have done that and are learning not to.  If it does not apply, I apologize. 

Back to your mother though, she will keep being who she is.  Setting a boundary like you did by having her move and saying no took a lot of courage and strength.  It goes against everything you were trained to do.  As kids we are trained to care for our disordered parent.  Breaking that behavior is incredibly difficult and you will feel stressed, upset, scared, any number of things.  The important thing is that you did not allow any of that to stop you.  You not only are fighting your mother but you are dealing with an internal struggle with your own reflexes/instincts.  That is hard but it does get easier.

I am glad you came back to post.  You don't have to work your way through this alone. 

[Learning2Thrive]

  lookinh4light113,

Back to your mother though, she will keep being who she is.  Setting a boundary like you did by having her move and saying no took a lot of courage and strength.  It goes against everything you were trained to do.  As kids we are trained to care for our disordered parent.  Breaking that behavior is incredibly difficult and you will feel stressed, upset, scared, any number of things.  The important thing is that you did not allow any of that to stop you.  You not only are fighting your mother but you are dealing with an internal struggle with your own reflexes/instincts.  That is hard but it does get easier

You are not alone. Many of us have been through very similar struggles. We are here for you. Hang in there. You are stronger than you know. That still, small voice of love and truth is within you. Let it guide you toward the light of freedom, acceptance and self-compassion.

We’re here for you,

  L2T

[looking4light113]

Zachira - our kids are 5, 3 and 6 months. They have spent a lot of time with my mom. I feel like the scales have just fallen off of my eyes and I can see her for what she is. I have spent a lot of time with her too up until a few months ago. I am not sure how I am going to protect the kids from her yet. My husband doesn’t really want the kids around her at all at this point. In the future I think she shouldn’t be alone with them and the visits will be short.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It is so comforting to have people who understand what I am going through. My husband is not convinced my mom has a mental health issue. Everyone’s words have been very valuable to me. Thank you.

[Turkish]

I'm a little late to the party looking4light113,

She doesn’t understand she’s legitimately given him this concern with her tone, body language and words when she has confronted him.

This sounds like what your husband thinks.  What do you think?

Your H has expressed that he doesn't think that your mother has mental health issues, yet you both seem to be enacting boundaries based upon her behaviors. Can you tell us what is your husband's take on all of this? Do you agree with the boundaries?

I know that these things are complicated. I dealt with ,you uBPDex and my BPD mother,  burgh diagnosed with depression and anxiety, my mother far more low functioning.

[Learning2Thrive]

Zachira - our kids are 5, 3 and 6 months. They have spent a lot of time with my mom. I feel like the scales have just fallen off of my eyes and I can see her for what she is.

It is an eye-opening experience, isn’t it?

I have spent a lot of time with her too up until a few months ago.

Yes, having a break from constant exposure to the behaviors gives us a chance to have a more clear and healthy perspective.

I am not sure how I am going to protect the kids from her yet. My husband doesn’t really want the kids around her at all at this point. In the future I think she shouldn’t be alone with them and the visits will be short.

Take your time, continue to learn about the disorder, establish healthy boundaries and practice using the tools (see green bar at the top of the page).

I will share that the one true regret in my life is that I allowed my mother unsupervised access to my 2 now adult kids when they were young. Oldest son (early 30s) sees her for who she is and keeps her at arms length (they are not close). However, adult daughter (also early 30s) was close to my mother has been pulled into uNPD Grandma’s gotcha game drama (against me, causing alienation between me and my daughter); now daughter displays her own uBPD behaviors, but she is high functioning, strong young woman and I am hopeful that we will have a healthy relationship someday after my mother is long dead.

Conversely, I did not allow my mother any unsupervised access to my 2 younger kids (now late teens/young adults). Since we have alway lived several states and thousands of miles away from her, there was a natural barrier to her ability to interfere. They are now healthy, normal young adults and we have healthy parent-young adult relationships. They have chosen not to have a relationship with my mother. The older son is doing so well in his job, he moved out of our family home this past May and into his own apartment. I’m so proud of him stretching and testing his wings and the confidence he has in making his own way. His apartment is in our town and we communicate appropriately, with loving, respectful adult to adult boundaries.

I believe the best thing I can give my children is the love, skills and confidence to fly free into their own adult lives to experience all the richness of life on their own terms.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It is so comforting to have people who understand what I am going through. My husband is not convinced my mom has a mental health issue. Everyone’s words have been very valuable to me. Thank you.

  looking4light113, you are so welcome here. I hope you will continue to drop in and update us from time to time. We’re a lot like family here—like a healthy family of brothers and sisters who want the best for you and cheer you on. Sharing our stories and struggles, resources, tools, and successes helps all of us and also helps others know that they are not alone and there is hope for a better future.

Be extra kind and compassionate to yourself today.

  L2T

[zachira]

Thank you for sharing about your children and their ages, and the relationship with their grandmother. You and your husband are caring parents who are naturally concerned about how your mother's behavior could affect your young children. Right now you are wondering how you are going to deal with her behavior in front of the children, though you have already decided you do not want her alone with them and that the visits will be short. The challenge will be to let your mom know that certain behaviors are unacceptable in front of her grandchildren, and to enforce the consequences if she exhibits behaviors that are scary for young children.
My mother who has BPD and NPD never saw the grandchildren as separate people from her, and behaved badly in their presence. The difference was that they were used to being treated with love and kindness at home, and eventually rejected their grandmother. Indeed one year, the grandchildren who were in college came for Christmas, and mom acted so badly that the grandchildren still do not want to come for Christmas many years later. When they were young, my brother-in-law was very upset about how mom treated his children, and mostly did not leave her alone with them (Giving her feedback about her behavior has never worked.).
I hear your pain in finally realizing who your mother really is and you cannot change her. Keep us posted on how things are going. Let us know what works as far as keeping your children safe, as there are many parents who ask us what helps to protect their children from a grandmother with BPD.

[looking4light113]

I'm a little late to the party looking4light113,

This sounds like what your husband thinks.  What do you think?

Your H has expressed that he doesn't think that your mother has mental health issues, yet you both seem to be enacting boundaries based upon her behaviors. Can you tell us what is your husband's take on all of this? Do you agree with the boundaries?

My husband definitely thinks the kids shouldn’t be alone with her. He thinks she is dangerous. At first when I suggested my mom move from our property he was against it. He hasn’t seen her in her rage before. The first (of many altercations) happened after I told her my counselor suggested that for the health of our relationship we should not live so close. She started talking very disrespectfully in tone and body language directed at my husband and I and he told her no one speaks to him that way and if she is going to continue speaking like that could she leave the garage (his work space). She then ramped up and said she didn’t like the way HE was talking to her (he was being totally calm) and that he would have to make her get out (implying physically) in his face. Thank God he is a calm person, if it was me I probably would have physically pushed her out. I have my own anger issues from growing up with her. She then told us we would have to evict her if we wanted her out. She was screaming in the street and cussing at this point.
After that she sent a nasty email and had verbally accosted him several times saying all kinds of things that are untrue and twisting every nice thing he has done for her. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with her because he is scared she might lie and say something untrue that could get him in trouble like elder abuse. When I was young she lied to the courts and told them my dads brother molested me (they lived on the same property) and said my dad was on drugs so that I couldn’t have visitation with my dad anymore. My dad has said that he just had to give up on seeing my brother and I because he was scared he would end up in jail because there was no end to her lies. My husband knows all of this and so now that he has seen her like this he believes my dad and thinks there is nothing she is incapable of. It is like jekyl and Hyde. And you never know what is going to set her off and turn her into the victim. This all started with my husband after he opened her windows and door for her (on our property gated in with secure locked gates). He did this to let air in because she was always complaining about how hot it is in her place. She called him yelling and accusing him of being disrespectful and invading her privacy and wouldn’t let him speak. He genuinely thought she would be appreciative but she turned it into something negative will ill intent. She doesn’t see people as doing things to be nice. There are no thank yous.
There has been so much damage done in their relationship. He is annoyed by everything she does and thinks she is vindictive and malicious and if ever nice that it’s fake.

And yes, I agree with the boundaries. Like I said, I have my own anger issues and they are magnified when I am involved with her. Nothing and no one makes me angry like she does. I am trying to heal. I am trying to be the best mom to my kids and being around her brings out things in me that I don’t want to be. I know no one can “make you feel” a certain way, I am giving her that power. In counseling I am working toward not being viscerally affected by her but I am NOT THERE yet, unfortunately. My biggest fear is me being to my kids the way my mother was and is to me. When she gets fired up she uses words to hurt and shame. She told me she is going to get new children and grandchildren the other day when I asked her why she was taking a baby seat with her that we could have used. She can be so hurtful and I never want to be like that with my kids but I know I have it in me.

[Learning2Thrive]

  looking4light113

I think you’re doing great—certainly the best you can in this very difficult situation. I understand your anger. I do not feel safe having a relationship with my uNPD mother because she did use my daughter to try to hurt me. The smear campaigns are ongoing and distant relatives/flying monkeys periodically try to contact me on her behalf.   They have no idea what she’s done or what she’s capable of. All they see is the little old lady victim she portrays to them.      

Nothing and no one makes me angry like she does. I am trying to heal. I am trying to be the best mom to my kids and being around her brings out things in me that I don’t want to be. I know no one can “make you feel” a certain way, I am giving her that power. In counseling I am working toward not being viscerally affected by her but I am NOT THERE yet, unfortunately. My biggest fear is me being to my kids the way my mother was and is to me. When she gets fired up she uses words to hurt and shame. She told me she is going to get new children and grandchildren the other day when I asked her why she was taking a baby seat with her that we could have used. She can be so hurtful and I never want to be like that with my kids but I know I have it in me.

  You are resilient and self-aware. Your husband sounds like a wonderfully supportive partner. You have placed and enforced boundaries. You are actively seeking counseling and you are self-aware enough to know you have FOO (Family Of Origin) toxic issues within you. You are absolutely in the right place on this board. 

Practicing wisemind,  boundaries and the communication tools on the TOOLS link (in the green bar at the top of the page), will help you a lot.

Also, keep posting... .and feel free to comment on others’ threads. We are here to support you and each other. Our shared struggles and successes work together to help all of us and others who are going through similar experiences.

I hope you’ll do something delightful just for you today. You are worthy.

  L2T

[Harri]

She can be so hurtful and I never want to be like that with my kids but I know I have it in me.

 I have it in me as well.  I think a lot of us do.  Given how we were raised and how our parents modeled behavior to us, it makes sense we would.  The thing is, we can regulate our emotions and even if we have trouble doing so, we can learn to regulate them and change or use healthier ways to release emotions, fears, etc.

It gets better, just keep going to therapy and posting here.  We've got ya.

[looking4light113]

I will share that the one true regret in my life is that I allowed my mother unsupervised access to my 2 now adult kids when they were young. Oldest son (early 30s) sees her for who she is and keeps her at arms length (they are not close). However, adult daughter (also early 30s) was close to my mother has been pulled into uNPD Grandma’s gotcha game drama (against me, causing alienation between me and my daughter); now daughter displays her own uBPD behaviors, but she is high functioning, strong young woman and I am hopeful that we will

How old were your kids when you would leave them with your mother? What is the game your mother has pulled your daughter into?

[Learning2Thrive]

 

How old were your kids when you would leave them with your mother? What is the game your mother has pulled your daughter into

Okay, this is kinda complicated and will probably get long in order for it to make any sense.

When I was 24, my two older kids were 2 and 4. I was a military wife at that point and we were stationed in California. My mother lived in the mid-west. My 20 y/o sister who had just become a newlywed (also military wife) was tragically killed in a car accident. My mother was having a difficult time so I moved to her area with the children for about 9 months to help support and console her.

I, of course, had to get a job. So she watched them occasionally when I was initially interviewing. I quickly got a job and my own apartment because she was not stable and disregulating... .in front of all of us.

After I moved to my own place (within a few weeks), unsupervised visits were extremely rare. For the most part I think she was ok with them when alone... .then. But she clearly favored my daughter; my son never bonded with her.

However, she had a nasty penchant for overriding my parental authority with regard to food/treats, household rules, and other issues. It was pretty disgusting.

I mostly distanced myself by being too busy and eventually moved back to CA. This is not where I believe the real damage was done, but it set the stage. And I, of course, chalked the majority of her behavior up to grieving my sister so let her get away with a lot of crap I otherwise wouldn’t have. I figured now I was an adult and she was no longer under the stress of raising 4 kids as a single parent.

 Note, I was the oldest of her 4 kids and I was parentified in an emotionally incestuous relationship with her from the age of about 11... .she also required me or one of my sisters to sleep with her through high school and up until I/they moved out.  Once I left her home I was so relieved to be free I swept it all under the rug and tried to forget.

About 10 years later I realized I had married a mirror/male version of mt mother.  I ended up divorcing him after several DV episodes which occurred over the 13+ years we were married, including him punching me in the belly when I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter. No, I never reported him. I protected him, just like I protected my mother before I finally escaped her.

It was after the divorce, my ex-husband, against my wishes sent my daughter to spend summers (we live in different states and he got them for the summer) with my mother. That is when it happened.

After I remarried, my current husband recognized mother’s manipulative behaviors and during one of her visits she tried to override one of our decisions about the kids. We called her aside privately and let her know she was not the parent and she would not be calling the shots with our kids. At that point she threw a fit and refused to ever come to our home again. She started calling my husband “David Koresh” to extended family and saying I was brainwashed.

When I did not acquiesce to her horrid abuse, she began focusing on manipulating my daughter over summer visit (per my ex’s decision to send daughter to spend summer with my mother so he would not have to be responsible for daughter).

I can’t possibly be angry with my daughter. It took me more than 45 years to realize the severity of my mother’s depravity. It’s all so horribly unnecessary, and it took me way too long to realize what was really going on because I didn’t want to believe it.

 My mother is continuing this behavior with my remaining siblings’ kids too. Now she’s dangling the promise of inheritance. And so it goes.  

Sorry this got so long. There’s really much more to it than this. This is just the basic timeline of how it happened.

[Woolspinner2000]

Looking4light113,

This break up from your mom sounds so very hard. It must be quite wearing on you and your husband. I hope the dust settles soon.

My biggest fear is me being to my kids the way my mother was and is to me.

So many of us parents have had this exact same thought. We worry that we too might have BPD or the behaviors that our pwBPD does. Something I read quite a long time ago here on the board has stuck with me and been so helpful. It is all about choice. I chose to be a different parent and not do the things my mom did. Typically us adult survivors never want to repeat the pattern, and we cannot imagine doing to our children what our parents did to us. When I realize that I have just as much opportunity to harm my kids as my mom did but I didn't, then I suddenly realize that I did make that choice in spite of horrible parenting. Our pwBPD also chose the way they parented because if you and I can chose after having learned what we did, then I believe they could've too. Have you taken a look at #5 in the list on the side? ------>> > Click on it to open it up. It says that "I accept that I was powerless over my abusers' actions which holds THEM responsible." Yes, we have things to unlearn, but overall the picture is good because you are self aware and know the difference between how you were parented and how you are parenting now.

 
Wools

[Harri]

L2T said:  

It’s all so horribly unnecessary

This.  Not one bit of what happened had to be.  

[looking4light113]

L2T - your childhood sounds  A lot like mine. My mom had me sleep with her until I was a teenager. If I left the house to go hang out with my friends she would make me feel guilty for leaving her alone. I was parentified as well and always took care of her emotions. Thank you for sharing your story.

Wools - thank you for the encouragement. It is much appreciated.

[Learning2Thrive]

looking 4light113 

It’s been a couple days, how are you doing?

Sending good thoughts, positive energy and gentle hugs.

  L2T

[looking4light113]

I’m doing ok. I went to therapist today to talk through it all and got some good tips. I think I need to still wrap my head around the realization that neither my children or I are going to have the relationship with my mom that I thought we would. I feel like I was brainwashed and I am just coming out of it. It’s really confusing for me honestly. It’s hard because my husband doesn’t want any contact with her, doesn’t want her at our house or our kids at hers, and after the way she has treated him I totally understand but it’s sad for my kids.

It seems like she has been nasty to him to hurt me. It’s hard to believe someone could be so mean to someone. I feel like she thinks a sorry will just make it all go away. But she hasn’t apologized for any of her behavior toward my husband. To me she said “sorry your feelings are hurt” and “sorry things didn’t work out the way we thought they would with the loving situation”. That is not taking ANY responsibility for the things she has said and done. It is so hard because the things she has done have hurt me so much and she can’t even see it. She had given us $25,000 towards our down payment on our home so we could afford a house with a granny flat for her to live in. She paid a portion of our mortgage payment each month (about half of what rent is in our area) including utilities and she did laundry at our house. When I told her I thought she should look for another place to live for the health of our relationship, instead of saying “ok we will work out how we would pay her back the money” she flipped out, called us untrustworthy, said she never should have trusted me, demanded we pay her in full even if we had to take a second mortgage on the house even though she knows money for us is already tight. I honestly think she wanted us to lose our home. Like if she couldn’t live here then none of us should be able to. Paying her back was a huge sacrifice for us but we figured it out and wrote her a check for the full amount. In the couple of weeks it took for us to figure it out, she withheld the rent she owed us and didn’t even tell us she was doing it. She just stopped paying - putting us in another financial bind. She turned my brother against me during all of this, convinced him we would evict her with a sheriff and never pay her her money back. We paid her back and when I gave her the check she started a fight again and ended up screaming at me and slamming her door in my face. And then just expecting me to let her see our kids like nothing happened. It’s all just mind boggling to me and brings up so many things from my childhood. I don’t remember a lot and I think it’s my brain protecting me from how crazy things were. I remember her being abusive a handful of times and she denies it - slamming my head into the fridge when i spilled milk, throwing a Nintendo at me, slamming a vacuum on me, slapping me. The verbal abuse I don’t remember as much, I just remember thinking she fights dirty, searching for the most hurtful thing to say, not being logical, always right.

I just don’t know how to be in relationship with her and it makes me super sad. It’s not a real relationship, we can’t work through issues. I think I am still a little in denial that she has a mental illness. I think her mom was narcissistic and her dad emotionally unavailable. Her siblings are all messed up and don’t talk to each other. I made this so long... .I guess I needed to vent! it’s all just overwhelming to digest. She’s pretty pissed at me and my husband too. I told her I’m done with her several times now when she has been verbally insulting me and I have said “then let’s just be done”. I am so triggered by her and I hate the way I feel when I’m around her. If she knew it would break her heart but I’m pretty sure her heart is already broken over all this. I feel guilty and bad about it because she just doesn’t see her part in any of it which makes me feel so bad for her. Her reality is what she lives in with zero self awareness. Everything is someone else’s fault.

Thanks for checking in! I will keep posting. I have taken great comfort in reading others posts as so much of what is said is like reading about my life.

[zachira]

You feel like you were brainwashed by your mother and indeed you were. As children we have no choice but to go along with our parents' agendas because we need to do so to survive. It is not until we are adults and feel safe enough that we can face how caretaking our parents and believing their lies has affected us. The main agenda of a parent that is seriously ill with BPD is to not allow their children to become separate individuals from them because then the children will become healthy adults in their own right and the parent will no longer be able to control the children as long as the parent is alive. You have married a wonderful man and are a caring mother. Can you tell us more about how you have made good life decisions despite being brought up by a mother with BPD?
Right now you are reeling from seeing your mother for who she really is. It is so painful to discover that she will never change and always be doing things that hurt you to your very core. I can 't tell you the number of times I have just sat down and cried my eyes out over the evil things my BPD mother and other family members have done to me. My heart goes out to you. We care and are always here to listen to how you are doing. There is light at the end of the tunnel, though it may not seem like that right now.