Please share your experience with fwb

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As written elsewhere, I felt quite wound up in this department last year during the r/s. Now I feel wound up with no one in particular in mind. I'm seeing several nice gentleman, not super attracted to anyone but they all strike me as being amenable to intimacy. Some would probably prefer exclusive r/s, others I think would be okay with fwb. I'm not inclined to be exclusive with anyone now, as I'm just enjoying dating.

Never in my life have I been intimate with more than one man at a time, am wondering if I might, say jump into the pool and see what happens.

What have y'all's experiences been with fwb? Can it be done without jealousy and possessiveness?

[spacecadet]

As written elsewhere, I felt quite wound up in this department last year during the r/s. Now I feel wound up with no one in particular in mind. I'm seeing several nice gentleman, not super attracted to anyone but they all strike me as being amenable to intimacy. Some would probably prefer exclusive r/s, others I think would be okay with fwb. I'm not inclined to be exclusive with anyone now, as I'm just enjoying dating.

Never in my life have I been intimate with more than one man at a time, am wondering if I might, say jump into the pool and see what happens.

What have y'all's experiences been with fwb? Can it be done without jealousy and possessiveness?

[Forearmed]

Never in my life have I been intimate with more than one man at a time, am wondering if I might, say jump into the pool and see what happens.

What have y'all's experiences been with fwb? Can it be done without jealousy and possessiveness?
[/quote]

Yes, it can be done but you really have to have no semblance of caring for each other. Once any feelings come into play (or even if it's just ego) you're in trouble.

The problem is the fwb business is we're all human beings, so ALL manner of things can go wrong - notwithstanding STDs from dabbling a little too much out there.  For me, the first paragraph is important and the second for being as sensible as you can.

Not an even mid- term thing i would advise... .

[JNChell]

Just my quick $.02. It’s been my observation and experience that embracing this type of culture will likely have you swimming in Cluster B infested waters. I understand how difficult it is to spend day after day as adult without intimacy. I haven’t been with a woman for roughly 9 months. The last one being the mother of my Son. Quite honestly, ending up in another bad situation scares the crap out of me, but the sexual urge is there in full force.

I hope that this isn’t an over generalization. I’m not implying that all people that are looking for casual sex are disordered individuals. I’m trying to say that many of us are on this forum because we’re very susceptible to the damage that a Cluster B Personality can dish out. If you decide to move forward with this, just be careful and practice caution. Even if emotions can remain bridled, there is still a level of vulnerability when it comes to being sexually close with someone.

[Lady Itone]

Ethical non-monogamy/polyamory is my default setting. I've often carried on more than one relationship at a time with various levels of success. I start to feel stifled if monogamy is imposed on me from the outside, I don't feel like it's my natural state. But sometimes, I'm really only attracted to one person and become monogamous because I only want them for a time.

I've done FWB, and I have the opposite problem of "catching feelings." I get bored. Without the juicy emotional, romantic stuff, it's just bodies banging together and not terribly fulfilling. I usually just ghost or fade and turn more focus towards more engaged relationships.

[WindofChange]

I'd say that if you truly think you can have a fwb relationship and remain just that without other emotions getting involved And if the person you get involved with is very stable and it has been made clear to him what the situation will be And (obviously, ) if you practice safe sex, then it could work out okay. But as others have said, many things can go wrong, emotions can get involved on one side or the other, and you have to be on guard against that.
It's been years since I was in a relationship like that, but I did have a couple. They were okay in the short term, but in the long run they weren't very satisfying to me. I always wanted the closeness, the intimacy, and casual friendly sex didn't give me that. Just my own personal experience. Others may feel differently.

[spacecadet]

Thanks for your feedback everyone. I'm still not sure how I feel about this, won't rule it out but agree it needs to be done ethically and with care/caution.

[once removed]

i dont know if id call it friends with benefits in my case. i dont really know what id call it.

reconnected with a gal from high school who promptly invited me over in the wee hours of the morning. i went. we messed around a little and shared a bed. she asked me the same night to keep us a secret because she had "others". i wasnt thinking or expecting exclusivity, far from it, but that exchange was fairly off putting... .but whatever, i wasnt threatened, just lowered my expectations.

i did ask that she keep the details of those relationships to herself. i thought that seemed reasonable. what i dont know wont hurt me.

a week or two later she started divulging details. i reminded her id rather not know. she said she felt like i was rejecting her. she went off on me. any attempt to explain that i was not rejecting her only made things worse.

the entire ordeal was kinda surreal. i understand you dont go from meeting to exclusive, but i tend to be a one girl kinda guy, and im not sure im cut out for a friends with benefits scenario. its an awkward one even if you are cut out for it.

i do have a very close friend, there are some feelings, and id be open to it, but she tends to attach very strongly, whereas i know we couldnt ever work, so its probably a road best not traveled.

[Gemsforeyes]

Here’s my take, for what it’s worth.  You should NEVER have to be a secret.  Never.  So if you’re truly FRIENDS with benefits, you wouldn’t have to be a secret, right?

If you’re both emotionally mature enough to handle it and in the same head space, fine.  Have a clear spoken understanding of what the relationship is and is not.  And be peaceful with the knowledge that between your loving and the next time you see him or her, someone else’s lips may be where yours just left.  Further the affiant sayeth not!

Gemsforeyes

[Harley Quinn]

I had a very successful fwb situation many years ago which went on for about 12 months.  At the end he met someone who he decided to settle down with and we parted ways amicably.  I was happy for him to have met a nice girl that he wanted a proper r/s with.  I think you really have to be on the same wavelength with the person and both of you be really clear on what is in bounds and what is out of bounds regards pressure or expectations.  During the 12 months we did have a couple of occasions where I had other plans and he became frustrated but we moved past them easily and remained good friends throughout.  Something that made it work I think was that we were both fond of one another but that's as far as our feelings went, we had a good laugh and enjoyed being around one another, and trusted one another to be healthy and safe.  There was always a mutual respect and care.   

Although I've considered it since and the idea is an attractive one since being single for 18 months (I know... .) I've not met anyone since that friend whom I had such a good connection with to trust them enough to be genuine and not seeking more from me.  (Other occasions I attempted the same sort of arrangement it was clear that despite assurances to the contrary, there were actually feelings involved and I quickly knocked it on the head so as not to hurt the other person.)

Listen to your gut instinct when considering who would be a good prospect.  Any slight reservation is something to pay attention to.  If you really have a good r/s and understanding, then it can be great.

Love and light x

[Caco Canepa]

I've been considering FWB situations — it did seem to be my default state before I got involved with my soon-to-be-uBPDx and (got caught in this washing machine for the last 7 years). I really felt a fondness and connection with the people with whom I'd had those relationships, and almost all of them have remained friends.

I'm a little concerned about how to go about getting back into the waters again — and I probably shouldn't even be thinking about sex until the separation agreement is signed and we sort out the child custody, house, and property settlement. But there is an ache, and an anxiety. Like, do I still have anything that anyone would be attracted to anymore?

One of my old FWB's advised me last night that I should only stick casual hookups and one-nighters for the next year or so. Not get attached, nor let the other people get attached. So I've been eyeing the Tinder app.

But, yes, I see the obvious things:
  I need to get my separation sorted out and signed to cover myself legally, and
  Working on the healing and post-relationship trauma, that can't be skipped.

Cheers, Y'all!  Caco