I Bumped into him outside our house...confused

[blackorchid]

So my boyf moved out on July 1st and we had barely any contact since. He moved out of our apartment and moved to where he works, which is the next town and a 30 min drive.  He has no reason to be near our apartment... .

Last weekend as I was walking our dog I was sure that I saw him walking at the opposite end of the street that I was about to turn onto... Unfortunately at the time his friend had called me and I didnt want him to hear/see the call as I dont think he would be too happy for me to be talking about it with his friend.  So I didnt turn and carried on straight and circuled back to the house. When I got there, there was no sign of him... .But I swear it was him.

The week before on July 24th my friend swore she saw him in the park where I walk the dog... .again he had no reason to be here.


So last night I was walking the dog again (he knows when and where I usually go of course) and on the same corner we literally bumped into each other. I was on a call and hung up. I was so shocked to see him and asked what he was doing here.  He said that he was just going for a walk... .this is a residential area and not a place where you would just walk... He asked how me and our dog was and then said hes going to the concert and will be late he has to go, maybe see you later.  Again I was confused and said I dont understand why youre here and he replied that he got off the bus here to go to the concert.  Which makes no sense, as you would continue 6 stops on the bus and get off at the venue. I asked who he was going with and he said noone as he has no friends and noone to go with. Our dog was going insane to see him and i said if you want walk her for 5 -10 mins  but he said he would be late so he couldnt. He walked away.

i looked on my phone and saw that he had sent me a whatsapp message about 5 mins before that and then deleted it.  I called after him and asked.  I couldnt hear what he said (its a flight path and planes were landing overhead) so I walked towards him and asked.  He said that he sent the wrong thing and why am I trying to control him again. I said enjoy the concert and left.

I have no idea what happened... .

Last Thursday night I sent him just a friendly message saying hi... .he responded,  Constantly reminding me that we are just friends nothing more.  Then later in the night we spoke again it was almost midnight.  He said he was drinking, I said me too he was shocked and asked why. Then he said if he knew I was drinking too he would have came. I said you can. He said no because you will have hope at a relationship again.  I said i respect you and you just want friends now.  He came.  we talked  he kept saying friends but then after an hour or so he kissed me.  He left in the morning for work before I had woken up.

That night we agreed that he would look after our dog on Sat night (last night) so I could visit my mum... .but then our dog got an agressive skin rash on fri night and so I said Im not going as the vet can only come on sun afternoon.

I messaged him when he was at the concert saying if you need to sleep here you can if you cant get back to your town at this time of night.  He replied "but  what can I do,Jes came?"(Jes is my sister, she was flying in and I was getting the hotel car with her to the hotel where my family is staying).  I replied saying no shes on the way to the hotel now... He didnt read the message and then this morning he sent me a message saying sorry I didnt see your message I was drunk ... .

Im confused. This is the second time he has asked if my family is in the house.  They stayed here before the hotel. Its like he wants to come but scared/embarrassed/ashamed? to see them...


no idea  but im totally confused

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi blackorchid,

I know it's confusing, but he probably does want you. My guess, from over here, is he misses the love/sex. Part of him has set up this friend idea, put you in that box, but another part realizes how much is missing now. You were loving and accepting of him.

What do you want? Would you want him back in time? If so, go slow and low pressure.

wishing you the best, pearl.

[blackorchid]

Hey Pearl, Thanks!

Yes I would want him back... .despite what everyone else is telling me. I think he is going  through a truly rough time. Hes now not talking to his friends and one of them has told me that he has no money and is asking people to lend it to him.  SO god only know where his money has gone although when he is like this he can be very extravagant with spending... .


Im trying to take it easy with the messaging and when he says friends Im trying to do a SET style message reply... .

[pearlsw]

Hey Pearl, Thanks!

Yes I would want him back... .

Im trying to take it easy with the messaging and when he says friends Im trying to do a SET style message reply... .

Hi blackorchid,

I hear ya, and know how hard this is. It does sound like he's having a hard time too! This is a great time to study the tools, and learn all you can for when he is back. Another user reminded me lately that you can actually practice the tools here by just reading posts and writing something back to the poster that shows you have heard what they said. You can validate. You can write out things you'd want to say and try to learn how to refine/be more careful. And please remember to post/lend support to others to if you have the chance/inclination. A few words of support go a long way and can make a difference for someone else also struggling!

Any news or ideas on what's up with him, anything you've heard about his relationship with his family? I wonder if he blew that up too a bit?

wishing the best for you! pearl.

[blackorchid]

Thank you, yes yesterday I spent some time reading other peoples post and I had the same idea so I will make sure to do more of that tonight after work. Thank you for reminding me to do so... .

I think that the family is definitely putting pressure on him to leave me... .as the sister called me last Tuesday asking me why I was still in Turkey and to hurry up and return to England.  That they keep telling my boyf that we are not right for each other.  So Im just guessing that they are saying things like that to him too... Honestly the things they say to me... eg... .youre a bad daughter why arent you living with your mum... .!


I have thought in previous episodes that his family is his trigger... .but he wont talk about it. He is highly sensitive about his family.  The friend that Ive been talking to told me that when he saw him just before he moved out, he agreed with his friend that I am a good women etc and he wont be able to find someone like me again but his family dont get on with me (which in my opinion is just an excuse as both of us hadnt seen them in a year).  Apparently they had called him with some rubbish about how I ruined their summer last year... .and so he had to make up for it this summer... .The friend also remembers years ago when he went to stay at their house, the mum moaning and wishing that he had found a "more suitable gilfriend" i.e. muslim and turkish...   I dont know its all speculation but he just kept repeating over and over as he was packing that he was leaving as I dont treat his family right...



I dont understand why hes tied so strongly to his family... .I only found out last year in a convo with his mum that from birth to age 8 he wasnt allowed to live with his parents, he lived with his grandmother, even after 2 years later they had his sister.  The mum said when he visited every fortnight, he refused to look at his sister and just clung to his mum crying.  They abondoned him again when he was 14 which I have just recently learned from his friend, left him in their hometown whilst they relocated. He was a footballer so they left him there as he was playing in the junior team but he had nowhere to live and hopped from friends house to friends house.  In my honest opinion, I think that they are nothing but leeches, always wanting money from him, which used to be a constant source of arguments for us.  I found it disgusting that after him being out o f work for 9 months, after just 2 weeks of work his brother asked for around $700... .and dont know if that was the start of his desregulation.  Like I said a lot of it is speculation on my behalf... .

But i wonder if the abondonment that he has lived through is the source of everything... .

[pearlsw]

But i wonder if the abandonment that he has lived through is the source of everything... .

Hi blackorchid,

I think you have absolutely put your finger on it! That is a lot of abandonment. Poor guy! Yes, families will sometimes try to play that card, but all in all, you are right, he's been with you, you probably know him best and provide him a solid source of love. You live in a different place than the rest of the family, I am sure culture is a factor, but he was probably happier away from them a bit. It is not easy for him to be caught between cultures/worlds the way he is with you... .and it is not easy for you either. Believe me, I've been there! In fact, I think I didn't realize a lot of this stuff was BPD traits because I chalked it up to cultural differences.

His family probably just want you out of the picture because you influence him in a different direction than they want for him. It's not their choice to make, it's his, and he'll have the strength to make it or he won't. I dated one person who could and one who couldn't withstand cultural pressures from his family. He may not have close ties, but he likely has deep wounds and doesn't really, given what you've described here, even know quite how to be in a family, how that all "should/could" work in a healthy sense.

What does his family think of his drinking/partying? Are you living totally alone and independently now, or getting there?

warmly, pearl.

p.s. thanks for supporting! every little bit helps us all!